Gosh, has it really been two years since Bush started the war too early with that "decapitation attempt?" I bet if you ask Laura, she'll tell you that it wasn't the first time the President did something prematurely.

Anyway, it warms the cockles of my heart--and believe me when I say I have one of the biggest cockles around--to see so many of my supporters all around the world protesting the illegal invasion and occupation of my palaces.

So what exactly has the United States accomplished during the last two years? Well, they've spent of billions and billions of dollars trying to pacify my country. But rather than being pacified, it continues to behave like a colicky baby. Or, more precisely, a colicky baby armed with machine guns, rocket propelled grenade launchers, and roadside bombs.

And yes, they have captured me, but so what? How was I threat? I had no nuclear program, no poison gas plants, no stockpiles of Anthrax, no working relationship with Al Qaeda, and my air force was subterranean (that means buried in the sand, you ninny). Plus, I had finally decided to be a nice guy and let the United Nations weapons inspectors in like Bush wanted, and what happens? He tells them to leave!!! He changes his mind more often than my wives when they're trying to decide what to wear to a public execution!

Oh, and here's the best part: The guy who killed the 3,000 Americans on 9-11 is still on the loose!!! And making frikkin' videotapes!!!

But at least I'm in jail, so the world must be a better place.