Friday, November 26, 2004
A big deal has been made of that American marine who killed the wounded Iraqi, and here's a blog entry by the journalist who shot the footage.
Personally, I think it's a great story. It serves to inflame Arabs across the entire middle east, and now even the ones who used to think I was a real prick are starting to admit that maybe ol' Saddam wasn't such a bad guy after all.
And you know what the best part of this whole story is? Al Jazeera Keeps playing the tape of this guy's death over and over, yet they won't play the film of that woman relief worker being brutally executed!
Is that fair? Well, no, I suppose not. But then again, we're talking about the middle east. The word "fair" is not in our vocabulary.
Well, at least I don't think it is....
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 4:20 AM
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Outgoing infidel Secretary of State Colin Powell says that Iran is trying to build a nuclear bomb.
For it's part, Iran insists that it is using its acquired nuclear technology for peaceful purposes, like generating electricity. Yeah, right. They're sitting on one of the world's biggest deposits of oil and natural gas, and they need nuclear power to run their frikkin's light bulbs?
Even the idiots in the Bush Administration have been able to tell that the Iranians have been lying out their turbans.
And here's the dilemma faced by the United States: There's no other nuclear power in the middle east to offset those crazy Shiites!! Now I could have have done that, if the United States had only decided to let me build my own damn nukes years ago. So I invaded Kuwait! Big deal! If the older Bush hadn't gotten all bent out of shape over that, and let me keep the country, and not slapped all sorts of international sanctions on my ass, I'd ALREADY have my own damn atomic bombs and I could tell the Iranians to knock that sh*t off!
But alas, the US decided to get all self righteous on me, and now there's not a damn thing they can do about Iran. Hell, they can't even invade the country because the Americans are too busy trying to control the assorted insurgencies here in Iraq!! Maybe--just maybe--if they hadn't invaded the wrong dang country, they'd have enough manpower to go into Tehran and kick some Shiite ass.
But as it stands, they don't. And why did the Americans invade me instead? NOT because I actually had nuclear weapons. And NOT because I even had a nuclear weapons program.
No.... They invaded me because I had the desire to have a nuclear weapons program at some distant future date!
Oh please!! Since when is desire an international crime against humanity!?! I mean, what heterosexual male among us has never lusted after some unattainable goal, such as Catherine Zeta-Jones, or had dreams of being the sausage in an Olsen Twins sandwich!?! Of course, we would never admit that to our wives, but that doesn't make us bad men, does it? No, of course not!
So when the "prevention of lust" is the only reason you can come up with as the justification for invading a country, well, that's a sign of desperation.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Thursday, November 18, 2004
I can not begin to tell you how sorry I am to see Colin Powell resign as Secretary of State. The only thing that could possibly be any worse is if Bush were to name Condoleeza Rice to replace him.
Powell was the one voice of reason on the Bush Foreign policy team. Unfortuantely, Bush all too often chose to ignore him, and instead listen to the two rabid lunatics, Cheney and Rumsfeld. You may recall that it was Powell who warned Bush about the dangers of invading my country when he said, "If you break it, you own it."
Well, Iraq is broken big time now, and I'm guessing that Bush is wishing he had bought the extended warranty.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 5:43 AM
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:40 PM
According to some investigation by the infidels, I made over $21 billion in kickbacks from the United Nations' oil for food program.
Well, so what? Everyone's gotta make a living! I mean, did you see my palaces BEFORE the Americans moved in and trashed the places? You think those gold plated toilet seats grow on trees? Hell no!!! That stuff is expensive, and only available by special order from Home Depot. So yeah, I decided to make a little money on the side.
Besides, why is that MY fault!?!?! Not only were the French and the Russians willing participants in the scheme, they're the ones who thought it up!!
But do you see any of them getting invaded, thrown in jail, and forced to participate in naked human pyramid building!?!?! No!!
I get blamed for everything.
Monday, November 15, 2004
Saturday, November 13, 2004
For my 47th birthday my top aids took me to a wonderful place called a Chuck E. Cheese. It was a blast! In addition to having a rare delicacy known as a "pepperoni Pizza," they had many great arcade style games. One of my favorites was called "Whack-A-Kurd." You'd put your dinar in a slot in the front, and then little kurds would pop up out different holes on the machine. As each one would pop up, you'd try to hit him with a big rubber mallet. Of course, each time you nailed one, he'd disappear back into his hole but another would pop up out of another hole! Eventually it grew tedious, however, so I sprayed the whole thing with sarin gas.
Kinda cleared out the restaurant, too.
I bring this up because the current situation in Iraq reminds me of that game. As soon as the Americans go into one city and crackdown on the insurgents, another town falls apart. For example, they have pretty much regained control of Fallujah, but now there are reports out of Mosul that the local police have lost control of the city. Gangs of armed men armed with machine guns and RPG's are strolling about the streets totally unopposed! This news comes on top of similar reports from other Iraqi cities.
I have heard some American critics of the war comparing the current situation to Vietnam. Well, that's silly! First of all, Bush won't understand that comparison because, well, he was never in Vietnam! Secondly, Vietnam had many more trees than Iraq, so the entire landscape is entirely different. You can't compare a sub-tropical rainforest climate with an arid desert environment, you morons!
Though I do appreciate the effort!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 5:51 PM
Thursday, November 11, 2004
A spokesman for the PLO just said that Yasser Arafat's condition has "deteriorated further" in the last few hours.
What the hell does that mean? The man's been in a coma for the last two weeks and knocking on Allah's door the whole time! How can it possibly deteriorate any further!?!
Do me a favor, will you? When my time comes, which it won't for a very long time, possibly another even another 300 years, just tell them to pull the plug. I don't want to linger.
The worst part is when your relatives gather around your deathbed and start arguing about whether you're just a little bit dead, or completely most sincerely dead. And while the ventilator puffs away, the people who were the closest to you suddenly turn on one another and start arguing about who gets custody of your prized WMD collection. It's all so petty and undignified!
If only you could still be around to see their faces when they finally realize that there IS no WMD collection!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Excuse me for not posting for the last couple of days, but I had to break into the General's liquor cabinet. Getting roaring drunk was the only way I could cope with Bush's re-election. But alas, the Jack Daniels is all gone, and I find myself sober once again.
Anyway, as you have no doubt heard, the Americans have launched their long anticipated assualt on Fallujah. I'm sure the fact that it will long and bloody with many casualties on both sides had nothing to do with the decision to delay it until after the US elections.
And what will this accomplish? Aside from pissing everyone off and creating even more terrorists? Well, probably not much. The insurgents will only pop up somewhere else in Iraq.
In one early development I find quite interesting, that wacko Shiite cleric, Moqtada al-Sadr, urged the Iraqi soldiers involved in the assault not to fight. Can you imagine that? A Shiite defending Sunnis!?!?! Seeing such an exhibition of unity brings a tear to my eye!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 3:53 AM
Saturday, November 06, 2004
The Americans certainly have an odd way of settling ties in elections. For example, two candidates in White Pine County, Nevada were running for County Commissioner, and each received 1847 votes. So to decide the winner, they cut a deck of cards. The loser ended up with a seven of diamonds while the winner drew a queen of clubs. Then civil war erupted.
No, no. Just kidding about the civil war part.
As you know, Iraq was a thriving democracy until the Americans invaded. Granted, I personally never had any opposition, but that was purely by coincidence.... And the occasional public execution.
However, down at the local levels, electoral draws would occasionally occur. But under the terms of the previous Iraqi constitution, we settled such ties in a much more civilized manner: The candidate with the bigger militia won.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 5:42 PM
Friday, November 05, 2004
Thursday, November 04, 2004
A message from Yours Truly to the infidel Americans:
What the hell is wrong with you people!?! Granted, I did foolishly urge you to go out and vote, but I meant for John Kerry, you morons, NOT frikkin' George Bush!!!!!
I mean, I figured you people had enough sense to know what I meant without me having to provide you with detailed instructions!!! But n-o-o-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O!!!!! You just had to go and reelect him, didn't you!?!? You realize what this means, don't you? Now I'm NEVER going to get out of here!!!!
Why did you do it? Is it because 40% of you still stupidly believe that I was somehow involved in 9/11? Have you forgotten that the Commission which investigated those attacks said there was no connection between me and Al Qaeda? And have you forgotten what Richard Clarke said? That he had tried to warn Bush and Cheney about Osama in the first few months of the Administration, but they just ignored him.
So what happens? I'm the one who ends up in jail while the guy who killed 3000 American civilians on American soil is STILL on the loose. What's more, he's even making frikkin' videotapes taunting you people!!! And you know why? Because the American military is busy trying to bring my country under control instead of out looking for him!
And so you go and reelect Bush.... We'll see if you people still feel the same way when he turns the United States into a Christian theocracy and starts flogging women who try to get abortions.
Just don't come crying to me when you realize your mistake.