Monday, February 28, 2005

What the hell is happening to this world of ours? Has it gone mad? Has up become down, down become up, and east become west? What's next? Michael Jackson being acquited of child molestation charges?

I am referring, of course, to the arrest of my half brother--Sabawi Ibrahim al-Hassan--in Syria. Now I could understand him getting arrested in, say, Italy or Spain or Poughkeepsie. But frikkin' Syria!?!?!? I mean, if Syria's going to go all goody-two shoes on us, then where are the world's terrorists supposed to go for sanctuary?

Time was that if you were a notorious bad guy who enjoyed killing innocent civilians and you needed a country to back you up, you could always count on good ol' Syria. But ever since Hafaz al-Assad died a few years ago, the place has been going downhill. And quite frankly, the problem is that stupid son of his.

Bashar took over the country when his old man croaked, which is normally how we do things here in the middle east. But the problem in this case was that Bashar hadn't been properly trained. I mean, the man is a frikkin' opthamologist, for crying out loud!!! That's great if someone needs glasses, but it hardly qualifies a person as a ruthless, bloodthirsty dictator!!!

That's why I was so proud of my own sons. They didn't waste their time going to college and medical school so they give something back to the world! They were spoiled brats who had the run of Iraq, and who could kill anyone who as much as looked at them funny.

Now that's how you properly groom kids to grow up to be despots!!!

Friday, February 25, 2005

In case you missed the story, a recently released tape reveals the American President admitting to past drug use. This comes not from Dan Rather, but a family friend who secretly taped the then Governor Bush in 1998.

Well, that would certainly explain what he was thinking when he decided to invade Iraq.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

President Bush continues to encounter protesters in Europe. Most of them are voicing their displeasure at his unlawful, illegal, and highly irregular invasion of my peace loving nation. And for that I am eternally grateful. Really. I'm moved beyond words.

However, I am disturbed by the prescence of a few loudmouths who are demonstrating against Bush because of his opposition to the Kyoto treaty about that greenhouse gas crap. This bothers me because it distracts from a far more important matter: Me and my continued imprisonment on trumped up charges of crimes against humanity.

How many times do I have to explain that they were NOT crimes against humanity? They were crimes against Shiites and Kurds!!! There's a difference!!!

But I digress... What's important--and it pains me to say this--is that I have to agree with Bush on this particular matter. Yes, it's true: I, too, refused to sign the Kyoto Accords.

The treaty would have seriously cramped my style. Setting entire oil fields on fire releases tens of thousands of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and we would have quickly exceeded the limits imposed on us by the Kyoto treaty.

And quite frankly, blowing up oil fields was half the fun of invading Kuwait!

Monday, February 21, 2005

President Bush is in Europe and he's busy calling for unity.

Isn't that kind of like closing the barn door after the camels have gotten out?

Did you hear about Mullah Mohammed Naeem? He's some Taliban leader they caught in Afghanistan.

But Saddam, I hear many of you asking. We thought you didn't have any 'meaningful relationships' with the Taliban. What gives?

Excellent question, Mr. Italics. And I still don't have any 'meaningful relationships' with them. Just because I'm mentioning them in a blog entry should in no way be misconstrued as proof of the contacts Cheney kept blathering about last fall during that stupid election campaign.

No, the only reason I bring this story up is because I found it to be absolutely hilarious. Naeem was arrested by Afghan troops who found him--get this--hiding in a well!!!

Oh, right....

I mean, how frikkin' pathetic is that!?! What kind of leader tries to hide from his enemies by crawling into a hole in the ground!?!?!?!

Friday, February 18, 2005

In a surprise move, President Bush has nominated his ambassador to Iraq, John Negroponte, as the United States' new head of intelligence. Quite frankly, I never thought very highly of Negroponte, but he has proven himself to be quite smart.

After all, he had enough sense to get the hell out of Iraq!

Back on Feb. 5, I posted a cartoon by Ruben Oppenheimer. Mr. Oppenheimer himself saw the posting and was kind enough to send a color version of the same cartoon, which I have since posted. I guess this just goes to prove that not all infidels are mean-spirited warmongers hellbent on invading poor, defenseless countries that would never harm a sandfly.

Well, unless it was a Shiite sandfly, of course....

Monday, February 14, 2005

Saturday, February 12, 2005

New allegations of prisoner abuse have surfaced at Guantananmo Bay, but with a twist: Supposedly, female interrogators were using sexually suggestive methods to get information from the inmates. The women would do things like rub up against the detainees, sit in their laps, and wear skimpy clothes.

If true, these new allegations are absolutely outrageous!!!!

How come I've never been questioned like that!?!?!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Damn Shiites....

Monday, February 07, 2005

Sometimes I am amazed by the kind of scams people come up with. And no, I'm not referring to my oil for food deal.

I'm referring to some of the internet based scams that are out there. The best known of those are the ones those stupid Nigerians send out. You know the ones: "Hi, I'm Moumbuttu Ugambawamba, and I am trying to smuggle $17 million out of my country. Can you help me? Just send me your checking account information." Needless to say, I started to get a little suspicious after we fell for that one a few dozen times.

In fact, you know all those billions of dollars I and my sons supposedly looted from Iraq's national treasury? Well.... We, uh, didn't.

That's right. Those damn Nigerians got it all. Every last dinar. Stupid Uday gave them our account numbers, and the next thing we knew, POOF!! The whole damn country was broke.

I bring this up only because now there's a new version of the scam floating around, and this one involves American soldiers trying to smuggle millions of dollars out of Iraq. The only problem is that it's not true.

I'm not sure who's behind this new con job, but I don't think it's the Nigerians. The grammar in the email is much too good for them. But I do have a theory: It's Bush! That's right, Bush!

It's his latest attempt to fund Social Security.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Longtime readers will know that I'm not a sentimental kind of guy. In fact, if there's one thing I detest more than Kurds and Shiites, it's sappy, overly sentimental stories.

Nonetheless, I recognize that some of you weenies may enjoy such worthless drivel. Therefore I thought I would share an article about something that happened during Bush's State of the Union address the other evening.

Now if any of you women readers want to cry, fine. Go ahead. But if I catch any of you guy readers with so much as a tear in your eye, rest assured I will personally rip the testicles from your body. Real men don't cry, so if you do start sobbing like a girl, it will be obvious that you have no use for balls.

So here's the story: Seated next to Laura Bush during the speech was Janet Norwood, who recently lost a son in Iraq. And seated behind her was some Iraqi chick named Safia al-Souhail. Now some of you may wonder why Safia was there. Well, apparently I killed her father a few year's ago. And the Bush people, desperate to justify their invasion of Iraq, decided to trot her out onto national TV.

Did I kill her father? Hell, I don't know. It's not like I kept track of all the people I had killed. After all, I was busy running a country--a country free of all WMD's, I might add--so it's not like I could be expected to keep track of such mundane details as the names of people I had put to death. I mean, if we had to fill out a damn form every time we executed someone, we'd never have had time to oppress the masses.

Needless to say, at some key moment, the two women--one who lost her father, and another who lost her son--decided to hug.... And my own public approval ratings suddenly went in the toilet.

Thursday, February 03, 2005


President Bush is delivering his annual State of the Union address even as I write this, but I have decided to skip it. Unless he is prepared to admit that he was wrong, I was right, and that the United States government is prepared to offer $500 billion in damages to Iraq, then there's is absolutely nothing he could say that would be of interest to me.

I'm sure, however, that instead of taking responsibility for his actions, the President is instead going off on another of his "Freedom on the March" delusions. Freedom is NOT on the march, folks. It is in full retreat from the superior forces of despotism and tyranny, which are the wave of the future.

Now I'm sure some of you think ol' Saddam is cracking up again. Go ahead, admit it. Raise your hands if you think I'm nuts....

Okay, thanks. You may put your hands down now, and take a few minutes to prepare your last wills and testaments. I can't believe you idiots were stupid enough to openly disagree with me!

Anyway, Bush and a few of his fellow western leaders continue to believe that freedom and democracy will continue to dominate the world. The fact is, however, that more and more ordinary citizens are beginning to realize that government oppression is actually much more efficient. For example, some fancy American foundation recently conducted a survey of high school students and their feelings about the First Amendment.

What they found was quite revealing: 36% of them believe that newspapers should get government approval of stories before publishing them. Additionally, 32% of those surveyed said that the press enjoys too much freedom in the United States.

It gives me hope to know that the future of the United States is in such capable hands!!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005