The American military prides itself on being a highly disciplined fighting force, and I've certainly seen evidence of that, um, "firsthand." So when a platoon in the United States army refuses orders in Iraq, it should be taken as a warning sign of serious problems despite Bush's claims of "everything in Iraq is just great! It's a regular desert paradise! The troops love it! The road to a democratic and free Iraq has a few teeny-tiny potholes, but aside from that, everythings on schedule! They're going to have elections in January! Ignore the suicide bombers in the supposedly secure Green Zone!"

Members of the 343rd Quartermaster Company have refused orders to deliver supplies along a highly dangerous route. They claim that their equipment is unsafe and prone to frequent breakdowns, and that the fuel they were to deliver was contaminated.

There is some question now as to whether the soldiers involved are merely being questioned or are actually being held under armed guard.

---------------Jim Margulies, The Record, (New Jersey)

There are four things In this world I despise more than anything else. They are, in order:

1) Shiites.
2) Kurds.
3) The Fox News Channel.
4) Building naked human pyramids.

And today I got some good news concerning one of the above: Bill O'Reilly, head loudmouth on Fox News, is being sued for $60 million. It seems that one of his production assistants is claiming that O'Reilly sexually harassed her!!

Among the various charges being leveled at Mr. Big Mouth is that he repeatedly tried talking to Andrea Mackris about vibrators, phone sex, and his own sexual antics.

All right, Bill!!!! It's always good to see a Republican get in touch with his inner pervert.

But the best part of this sordid little tale is that O'Reilly asked Andrea to get a good looking girl friend to join them for some three way action!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little menage a trois. All O'Reilly has to do is to keep the blonde on one side of the bed, the brunette on the other, and that way it will be "fair & balanced!!"

Now I wasn't going to say anything about this because I didn't want to alarm any of you. I know how much each and every one of you worries about my health. But now that the uncontrolled media has gotten a hold of the story, I guess I'll go ahead and tell you that I had hernia surgery a couple of weeks ago.

But don't fret!! Everything turned out okay despite the fact that Cheney was in the operating room and kept spitting on the scalpel. And I wasn't too thrilled about having Rumsfeld as my anesthesiologist.

Most importantly, my hair is growing back just fine. It does, however, itch like crazy. I just hope none of the other inmates mistake my constant scratching as some sort of invitation.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Now here's a funny story. You know how Bush always whining about stopping "nuculer" proliferation? Well, now it turns out that a whole crapload of my old "nuculer" material is missing, and it's the Americans' fault!!!!

Entire buildings and the precision equipment they housed have gone missing. This is stuff that United Nations weapons inspectors had tagged before I expelled them six years ago. When the inspectors returned in late 2002, they continued to monitor the material until Bush forced them to leave Iraq in March of last year. Then, once the "major combat" was (allegedly) over, they weren't allowed back in by the invaders.

I know exactly what he means.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

Renown infidel legal scholar Tung Yin writes in response to my post about the Afghan elections: "Wait, I'm confused. I thought Iraq *was* a democracy under your reign. Here in the Infidel States, we read about how you won elections with 101% of the vote."

And that is entirely accurate, Mr. Yin. I think where you are becoming confused is in the subtle differences between "American Style Democracy" and "Iraqi Style Democracy." You see, under American Style rules you start off with several candidates, and then through a series of small scale votes (primaries or conventions) you whittle the field down to two principle contenders, plus the occasional third party gadfly who can't take a f*cking hint.

The citizenry as a whole then votes in a national election, and the person with the most votes wins.... Unless, of course, the Supreme Court becomes involved because senior citizens who are too old to even remember where they parked the damn car screwed up their ballots.

Under Iraqi Style rules, on the other hand, you start off with several candidates in addition to myself. Then I shoot my opposition, torture their families, and date their daughters.

Then, and only then, do we actually hold the election.

Here's a question to ponder: Is President Bush a dummy?

No, no, I don't mean in terms of his I.Q. Besides, I think we all know the answer to that one already.

No, I mean is he literally a dummy, like a ventriloquist's dummy? You know the ones I mean: Those wooden things, where someone shoves his hand up the dummy's butt and makes his mouth move, but really it's the puppeteer doing all the talking.... Kind of like what I used to do with my Minister of Information.

Some alert observers noticed that during his first debate with John Kerry, Bush had an odd, square shaped bulge in the back of his jacket. There is some speculation that perhaps it was a transmitter of some sort, and that either Cheney or Rove were feeding him answers.

Now I know some of you are thinking that's a rather rude question to raise about the leader of the free world. Perhaps so, but is it any ruder than invading a sovereign nation under false pretenses?

Besides, even the Washington Post has addressed this issue! Of course, they didn't exactly use the word "dummy" in describing the President, but that's only because they didn't want to generate a flood of letters to the editor from wacko Republicans.

I have been rejoicing at the wonderful news out of Afghanistan today. In case you missed it, their attempt at democratic elections has gone down the toilet!!

Yesterday's voting was supposed to be the triumphant conclusion of three years of work by the United States. But instead, it's only resulted in more controversy among the different warlords. Apparently the problem is that the permanent ink used to mark those who voted turned out to be easy to wash off. Thus, it is impossible to say whether some voters may have cast more than one ballot.

As a result, the 15 candidates running against Interim American Puppet Hamid Karzai have gotten together and agreed NOT to honor the election results.

This is a perfect example of why dictatorships are so much simpler than democracies: You don't waste time campaigning, voting, and arguing over who won. And if anyone ever does have the audacity to question your right to lead, well, you just shoot 'em!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

A sympathetic infidel reader has emailed me a link to another great music video featuring Bush and Kerry. This one is to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger," which I believe was the theme to Rocky MXCVIII.

Incidentally, you can find links to more Bush related music videos on the left hand side of the page under the "Musical Interludes" header.

Bush should have known better than to try and breast feed that kid.

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Inteligencer

In yet another embarassing setback for the White House, Secretary of Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld has publicly said that he has seen no "strong, hard evidence" linking me to Al Qaeda.

Well, DUH!!!!

Isn't that what I've been saying all along? But do people listen? No, because they foolishly believe I'm out of the picture.

But that's okay. I'm keeping track of who says what about me, and when I return to power, rest assured a lot of people are suddenly going to be flip-flopping.

Now even former Infidel Administrator Paul Bremer has come out and said that the US didn't have enough troops to set up a proper occupation. According to him, this allowed an "atmosphere of lawlessness" to become established.

Say what you will, but lawlessness was something I never tolerated. If someone stole as much a piece of fruit from a street vendor, they would end up having a hand chopped off. Oh, and you know what was funny about that? We'd always give the suspect a choice of which hand to have removed. Then, depending on which one they picked, we'd chop off the other one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, after a while the criminals started figuring this out. So they would say they wanted their right hand chopped off thinking we'd chop off their left hand. But then we would, in fact, chop off their right hand.

But the criminal mind is always quick to adapt, and so the criminals started telling us they wanted their left hand chopped off thinking we thought they meant they wanted their right hand chopped off when they really meant their left hand, all the while knowing that we would chop off their right hand.

Well, needless to say, all this psychological warfare became VERY confusing after a while.... So we started chopping off their feet instead.

The trick, you see, is to stay one step ahead of the criminals. Of course, that's not too hard when they're hopping around on one foot!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

That's it. Iraq is doomed. The country will descend into civil war and cease to exist as a single nation.

Now some of you are probably saying, "But Saddam, that's an overly pessimistic view of the current situation! How can you be so sure of this?"

Because I said so. And what the hell are you doing questioning my ravings? Do you want to lose your thumbs? Because if that's the case, I will be more than happy to grant your wish.

Besides, Donald Rumsfeld just said that Iraq is NOT descending into civil war!

Keep in mind that this guy is the same genius who said that more American troops weren't needed in Iraq and that everything is going just fine and dandy. He's also the chief architect of the current occupation. And this man has done an exemplary job of repeatedly demonstrating that whenever he predicts something, the exact opposite ends up happening.

So yes, Iraq is doomed to civil war.

Did you watch the debate between Bush and Carrie? Oh, how I love being the center of attention!!!! Reminds me of some of the parties I used to throw. Of course, at them I was the center of attention for a different reason: The guests' lives depended on it! And may Allah the merciful have mercy on the souls of those who failed to RSVP in a timely fashion....

Which brings me to my next point, which really wasn't going to be a point at all, but now that I mention it, will be a point, though not the major point, of today's entry: What's wrong with people nowadays? If someone sends you a fancy-schmancy invitation to a lavish party, or a bar mitzvah (though I personally never got a whole lot of those), or a wedding, or a public execution, and they ask you for an RSVP, please take a few minutes to respond. Otherwise, how is that person supposed to know how many people to prepare for? It's the polite thing to do.

Unless you happen to be a despot like me, of course. Then you can show up at parties uninvited any damn time you feel like it.

Now back to my orginal point: That Carrie guy certainly has my vote! Did you see him running rhetorical circles around Bush last night? I thought he made some very good points, but feel free disagree with me if you want. Just keep in mind that it will be the last opinion you ever have.