American teenagers have a reputation for being, shall we say, "dumb." Compared to others of the same age around the world, American teens are less proficient in math, ignorant of history, clueless in geography, less knowledgeable of current events, and unable to properly put on a pair of pants without the damn things hanging below their butts. So I suppose it really shouldn't come as a surprise that 16 year old Farris Hassan took it upon himself to not only travel to Iraq, but he did it without telling his parents.

If he were my kid, I'd ground his ass till he's 55.

Anyway, Hassan first went to Kuwait City, then took a cab to the border. That turned out to be sealed because of the upcoming elections in Iraq. So he took the cab back to Kuwait City, then argued with the driver over the fare. Hassan then took a plane to Lebanon, and from there caught a flight to Baghdad. He managed to make his way to the green zone where he was finally intercepted by the American military.

Now you may wonder why on Earth anyone would do something this stupid. Evidently he's taking some sort of course "immersion journalism," in which the writer basically becomes his subject. It's not clear if this includes running the risk of being kidnapped by jihadists and having your head chopped off, but apparently that's how this moron interpreted it.

Sounds like a really stupid course, if you ask me. Maybe he should study intelligent design instead. It would still be stupid, but at least it won't get him killed.

As it turns out, some good DID come out of the recent elections after all! Remember that fat slob Ahmed Chalabi? You may recall that he is the one person most responsible for convincing the Americans to invade Iraq. Chalabi thought he could then return to Iraq after a 39 year absence and take over as President.

Well, guess what? Chalabi and his party didn't win even a single seat in the new parliament! Is that funny or what!?!? Apparently the Iraqi citizens didn't appreciate him waltzing in here after almost four decades thinking he could start ordering everyone around!

I guess some good can come out of democracy after all.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I have this sudden, inexplicable craving to get advice from you, my beloved readers. This is rather frightening, especially when one considers that most of you--at least judging from the comments and emails I receive--are incapable of forming a coherent sentence. And don't EVEN get me started on your spelling!!! Seriously, Americans' grammar and spelling skills are almost as bad as their science skills. In fact, I'm guessing that the reason so many of them question evolution is that they simply can't spell the word.

Anyway, I have prepared a new poll asking what sort of compensation I should seek from the United States to ease the emotional trauma inflicted upon me by the illegal invasion of Iraq. You can find the new poll in the left hand column of this page. Feel free to vote. It's perfectly safe, unlike in Iraq, where voting can get you blown up.

The city of Samarra has long been one of the roughest places in Iraq. It's populated by nothing more than criminals. Even back when I was in power I couldn't bring law and order to the place. Things got so bad there that I finally just gave up and ordered a bypass to be built around the stupid city so travelers would be safe. It's really no exaggeration to say that Samarra is nothing more than a wretched hive of scum and villainy.... Yes, much like Mos Eisley Spaceport.

The Americans have learned that the hard way. Their occupation of the city has been marked by repeated bombings, slayings of police officers, and kidnappings. Several times now the infidels have tried to return control of the city to the Iraqis. And each time, the attempt has ended in failure. Then the American soldiers would be forced to move back in to restore some semblance of order. Last summer they went as far as to build an eight foot wall around that hellhole in an attempt to keep the insurgents out.

Well, they are poised to return control of the city to local authorities yet again. The concern is that if the city goes to hell again, it will raise questions about the United States' overall plan for Iraq. After all, if they can't restore lasting order to a single city, how can they possibly do it with an entire country.

I wish the Americans well. After all, I've got a big enough mess to clean up around here once I return to power without having to worry about Samarra.

The American defense minister, Donald Rumsfeld, who I strongly believe has fangs and a forked tail, was in Iraq to serve Christmas dinner to his troops. You'd think he would have stopped by to say hello to me just for old times sake, but he didn't. Rather rude of him, I think.

I'm not entirely sure what this Christmas thing is, but I believe it commemorates the birth of some infidel guy named Jesus some 2000 years ago. Infidels today mark this holy occasion by participating in an orgy of greed, acquisitionhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.spell.gif
Check Spelling, gift giving, and the trampling of the weak and elderly in Wal-Marts.

Well, my trial has been adjourned until January 24 of next year. Hell, at this rate it will be 2017 before it ends.... With my acquittal, of course. And needless to say, I love this judge. He pretty much let's me run the show! Like that stuff about me being tortured by the Americans.... He just let me go on and on about that crap! Those allegations are going to look good in the Arab media.

Did I exaggerate those torture claims? No more than Bush exaggerated the evidence of my weapons of mass destruction. And that's all I'll say about that.

Meanwhile, Rumsfeld has announced that the United States will be withdrawing several thousand soldiers in the coming months. Currently there are about 160,000 of them here, and that number is expected to fall below 138,000 by the end of January.

Well, that's certainly a good start, but it still leaves 138,000 too many.

Well, here's a heavy dose of irony for you: The sissies at today's trial proceedings were complaining about how I used to torture them, or else ordered others to do so. So what? Wasn't American President Bush arguing until recently that the United States should be allowed to torture its prisoners? Why should it be okay for them and not for me? Why do I feel like I'm getting a three foot long, six inch wide dose of double standards shoved up my butt?

And have you heard about how Bush is trying to justify spying on his own citizens? No court order necessary, and no approval by congress. Just his own executive order. In other words, forget the rule of law: The President knows best. Trust him or you'll be branded unpatriotic.

Hmmmm.... Perhaps Bush and I have more in common than I thought!

Vice President Cheney paid a surprise visit to Iraq earlier today, supposedly to see how things were going in general. However, his real reason for coming here was to meet with me to discuss terms of surrender. And all of you are no doubt wondering how that went.

Well, it didn't. I had my secretary tell him that it was rude to show up unannounced like that, especially since I'm such a busy man. Sometimes you just have to show people who's boss!

But between you and me, Cheney scares the hell out of me. You never know what's going on behind that crooked smile of his.

Here's a stunning piece of news: President Bush has accepted responsibility for the invasion of Iraq!!

Well, I'm glad he cleared that up. I thought maybe the Tooth Fairy or one of the seven dwarves was behind it.

For quite a while now Bush has defended his unlawful attack on my peace-loving nation (well, except for the occasional invasion, plunder, and rape of neighboring countries) by pointing out that Congress voted to let him do it. Some critics in Congress, however, have said that they only did so based on the intelligence supplied by the White House, intelligence which may have been "cooked." Bush's people have repeatedly denied this, saying that Congress saw the exact same intelligence that Bush did.

Well, now comes a report that the White House did, in fact, withhold some intelligence reports from Congress.

Okay, so, um, why exactly am I the one on trial?

JibJab has come out with Bush's musical review of 2005. The President is no Springsteen, but he does come close to being a William Hung.

I saw King Kong today, and I have to highly recommend it to all of my stinkin' infidel readers.

Uh, Saddam? How is that possible? Aren't you in prison? Besides, the movie only opened today in the U.S. and New Zealand. How could you have seen it already?

Hey, I have friends in Hollywood. Remember Michael Moore, Alec Baldwin, and that whole bunch? Remember how opposed they were to the war? Well, let's just say I called in a few favors, and thanks to some fortunate timing, I was able to sneak into the wheel well of a C117 transport plane. That's all you need to know. Now shut up and keep reading.

I saw the 1976 version with Jessica Lang shortly after it came out and thought it sucked big time. And as for the original 1933 version, well, I only vaguely remember watching it as a kid on Saturday afternoons in Tikrit on my family's black & white TV. I do recall feeling quite unimpressed by it.

This new version, however, is breathtaking on a number of levels. First of all, the photography is wonderful. I had to close my eyes several times near the end when Kong was at the top of the Empire State Building. Then there's the action, at least once things get rolling. While the first hour or so is a bit on the slow side, the movie REALLY grabs you when they get to Skull Island. And since it's a three hour movie, that will be your last chance to hit the head. After that, you're not going to want to take your eyes off the screen. Finally, the characters are great. You really end up caring about what happens to them.

Kong himself is the product of computer-generated imagery (CGI), yet he is incredibly lifelike. Remember Jar-Jar Binks from Phantom Menace, who was also computer generated? Well, forget him. Kong puts him to shame. The technology of CGI has obviously come a long way in just the last few years.

In fact, that brings up another important difference between (Kong director) Peter Jackson and George Lucas. In the recent Star Wars movies, Lucas used his CGI characters to show off his special effects. But in the end, that's all you really ended up with: A series of pretty pictures. Beyond the wow factor, you really don't give a crap about the people on the screen.

Jackson, on the other hand, is able to use Kong to connect with his audience. You're not just looking at a big ape on that screen, but a creature with real feelings. As a result you identify with him an emotional level. Add to that a terrific performance by Naomi Watts as Ann Darrow, and you're left with one of the most memorable on-screen romances in years. And most importantly, you end up with a real story with real heart. The end result of all this is that by the end of the movie, as Kong makes his last stand on top of the Empire State Building, you find yourself being reduced to tears.

Er, I mean most people would be reduced to tears. Not me, though. I'm too much of a manly man to cry.... Or at least admit to it.

But even before returning to New York--which only constitutes maybe 30 minutes at the end--there are a number of memorable scenes. One in particular was the fight between Kong and a trio of T-Rexes. It puts to shame anything the World Wrestling Federation has ever come up with. Another wonderful scene is after the fight when Kong takes Darrow back to his lair and they watch the sunrise.

Then there's the ice skating scene. Yes, Kong goes ice skating in Central Park after he makes his big escape and is reunited with Darrow. Not only is the sequence amusing, it's genuinely touching.

Of course, it's also too good to last. The American military soon shows up and everything quickly goes to hell. How typical is that? I guess some things never change, eh?

Of course, we all know how it will end. And as Kong slowly slips off the top of the Empire State Building while Darrow caresses his paw, I was reminded of the final goodbye between Jack and Rose in Titanic.... Especially when Kong says "Grow old, Ann, and make lots of babies."

Needless to say, that was somewhat unexpected.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Have you been following the things that have been coming out of the mouth of the new Iranian president? The guy's great!! After he gets out of politics, he should consider a career in standup comedy.

For example, last week he suggested that Israel should be transferred to Europe. Now he was a little sparse on the details, so I'm not sure how that would work. Do you use blowtorches along the border to detach Israel from the rest of the Middle East, then have a series of tugboats tow the entire country across the Mediterranean?

Now he's denying that the holocaust even happened. I love that! I guess Auschwitz is just a cleverly constructed stage prop. Oh, and those old black & white films of starving Jews being liberated from the death camps? Probably concocted by Spielberg with special effects. I mean, have you seen the new King Kong? It's amazing what they can do on film nowadays!

Of course, I hope Israel doesn't go anywhere. The reality is that having a Jewish state in the Mideast is a good thing. It gives us Arab dictators something to bitch and moan about, and to use to fire up the masses! If we leaders didn't have Israel to blame for everything, our citizens might figure out that they live in absolute squalor and start blaming us for their problems!!

Iraq will be holding elections in a couple days, and early voting is already being allowed for people living with a broad. It's also being permitted for Iraqi citizens residing in other countries.

Election officials say they are pleased with how smoothly it's going so far. Well, of course it is. It's the people living in places OTHER than Iraq that are voting at this point! Just wait till Thursday when voting starts here, and the wackos start blowing themselves up. Then we'll see how smoothly things are going.

By the way, where's MY ballot? I certainly wouldn't want to be deprived of my democratic rights.