Oh, jeez. EVERYONE has to have a blog these days, don't they? Even the Great Satan himself is getting in on the action!

Oopsies....

The unlawful invaders have found a major stash of dead bodies in southern Iraq. This really irritates me. Those were supposed to have been buried YEARS ago! This is the type of thing that makes a regime look bad. I mean, you give a simple order to execute 500 shackled prisoners, then bury the bodies with a bulldozer. Nothing complicated about that! So they carry out the execution part, but then what does some idiot do? Leaves 'em stacked in an abandoned warehouse.

You just can't get good help these days.

There are fewer bombs falling tonight. This would seem to vindicate my brilliant strategy: If I simply waited long enough, the dirt dwelling invaders were bound to run out of bombs!

Oh, I almost forgot. I promised the slime slithering hordes from the swamps of hell a BIG surprise tonight!!! I would tell you and all my other loyal allies in Hollywood what it is, but I better not. You never know who else might be reading.

So they've captured the airport. Big deal. I hate that place. The damn economy parking lots are almost all the way over in Egypt... Literally!!! Then you have to catch one of those open air cargo trucks packed with refugees and all their personal belongings just to get to the terminal building. Whoever designed that place should be shot. Or did I already do that?

And don't EVEN get me started on the airport cops! They are all a bunch of pricks. I remember one time I left my tank parked unattended in the white zone, and they towed it!! I wasn't inside even a minute!!

I tried explaining to the officer that I had just dropped off my cousin, Chemical Ali, who was catching a flight to North Korea on an important sales trip. But he accidentally left his nerve gas samples in the trunk, and I needed to catch up to him before he got on the plane. Sounded perfectly reasonable to me!

But the cop didn't want to hear it. Instead he handed me a ticket for 75,000,000 dinars and then had the audacity to tell me to have a nice day!!!

So then I had to catch a cab over to where my tank was. And of course, they've got 150 tanks there, all of which look the same in the dark. But we finally find mine, and now the tow truck driver tells me he wants 800,000,000,000.95 dinars for storage costs! What storage costs?!?!? He's had my tank for 15 minutes, and he wants storage costs?! So naturally I demand to speak to the manager, but they tell me he's not there. He's a political prisoner and is busy being tortured somewhere.

Anyway, I eventually got my tank back without having to pay any money, but I had to shoot 20 or 30 people to do it.

What a day that was!

Oh, crap.

One of my top generals has been killed trying to run a roadblock. In and of itself that doesn't bother me. What does have me concerned is that he had a phone book with my private, unlisted number in the car!! I guard that information very jealously. But now that those belly slithering invaders have it, I'll probably end up being harassed by calls from MCI asking me to switch my long distance service. I don't know which is worse: Getting bombarded by telemarketers, or by 2,000 pound JDAM's!

Then again, if someone calls with great prices on vinyl siding, a number of my palaces are suddenly in need of some VERY serious renovation work.....

Did you see my speech? Did you like the way I casually threw in that sly reference to the recently downed helicopter? Bet that really got their tongues wagging over at the Central Infidel Agency!

Unless it involves the splitting of atoms to create giant fireballs of death and destruction, I do not normally find myself interested in science. However, this particular site definitely arouses my curiousity while stirring certain awakenings in my loins.

Once this current little tiff with the Great Satan is resolved, and I finish installing a provisional government in the United States, I shall turn my attention to the study of semiconductor physics. It looks like an exciting field and a great way to meet chicks.

I still don't understand why President Bush keeps wanting to take me out. Are he and Laura having marital problems? Is he lonely? What?

The people of Baghdad are once again on the verge of panic. As their fearless leader, it is my duty to calm them, make them feel safe, and if necessary, to shoot the whole sorry lot of them. Consequently, I have asked my information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, to once again go on TV and reassure our citizens that all is well, and that the invading hordes spawned by Satan's own demon seed remain immobilized by fear at the Kuwaiti border. I would address them myself, but I do not wish to leave the side of my son. He may need something. Dead people can be so demanding.

Later, Mohammed and I will address the separate issue of my lengthy sentences and overuse of commas.

I am not sure, however, how many people actually saw his address. The power has gone out all across Baghdad, no doubt because of an unlucky squirrel crawling into a power transformer somewhere. Oh, you didn't think we had squirrels here?

Well, we do. These are desert squirrels, much larger than the puny infidel squirrels of the west. Our squirrels often grow to five feet in length and can easily weigh as much as a Honda Civic. The base model, I mean, without air conditioning and power windows. They have been known to chase down slow or infirm camels and eat them.

That is why we middle eastern males guard our nuts so closely.

I have just received word that the invaders raided one of my palaces just outside Baghdad. Did they think I'd just be sitting around in my underwear watching soaps or something? They're not going to find me THAT easily.

I just hope they didn't discover that stash of, um, "educational" magazines I keep under my mattress....

Now Jesse Jackson is talking about coming to Baghdad to look for some missing journalists, as well as any POW's we may have.

I will gladly meet with Reverend Jackson. Then I'll handcuff us together and use him as a human shield.

Then again, that may not be a good idea. It may only encourage Mr. Bush to increase the bombing even further.

I have been looking over the statistics of civilians killed and injured so far in the conflict, and quite frankly, the numbers make me weep with sorrow! They are not nearly high enough!

That is why I have ordered my Secret Police to put on those old US military uniforms we bought on eBay. Then they are to go out and begin shooting people at random. Maybe blow up a hospital or two in the process. A flattened daycare center or nursing home would look good on Al-Jazeera as well.

And I think we should dip into petty cash and hire an old woman to stand by the rubble, hold her head between her hands, and wail hysterically.

I'll put Uday on it. He needs something to do. Uday! ..... UDAY!!! ..... Uday?

Speaking of the American Minister of Defense, he has stated that nothing short of unconditional surrender is acceptable. I wholeheartedly agree. So anytime Rummy is ready to admit defeat and come to Baghdad with his white flag, I shall be available to meet with him in person. That should end his mindless blathering about whether I'm dead or alive or comatose or seriously injured or vacationing in the south of France, which incidentally, is a country that appreciates my worth as a human being.

And tell him to bring that Pentagon Spokesperson of his along. What's her name again? Right, Victoria Clarke. I shall let her personally inspect my throbbing long range massive missile of love.

It's been banned by the UN, you know.

Disturbing news about this rescued POW.... Aren't such rescues banned by international law? I mean, we captured her fair and square! Where's my copy of the Geneva Conventions? Oh, right, I tore it up years ago.

This never would have happened if the invaders hadn't banished Geraldo. If he were still around, I would have learned of the rescue operation before hand merely by watching Fox News and taken the appropriate precautions.

The fact that this particular operation succeeded tells me that it was planned by military officers who know what they are doing, as opposed to that civilian ninny, Donald Rumsfeld.

Oh, and Uday is still dead.

Suckers.....

Remember how I've been saying all day that I'm giving up? Well, guess what: APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!! HA, HA, HA!!! You people are SO gullible.

Hey, maybe you can get jobs as UN weapons inspectors!

WHOA!! Turns out Uday is alive after all!! We're going out to pillage women and rape livestock!!

I have made arrangements to go into exile in Saudi Arabia. Uday and I will be renting a room in Idi Amin's villa. This is not necessarily something I'm looking forward to. Amin is well known for his all night parties, complete with loud music, dancing girls, strippers, gambling, and human sacrifices.

Even so, it is likely to much quieter than Baghdad has been lately.

Okay, that's it, I give up. I'm leaving Baghdad and going into exile.

There. I said it. Is everyone happy now?