Wednesday, March 30, 2005

According to an interview he gave to a German magazine, Colin Powell thinks the Bush Administration was "too blustery" in its rhetoric prior to invading Iraq.

Blustery!?!?!?! What's Powell doing? Hoping to win the Understatement of the Year Award? It was more like a frikkin' category 5 hurricane!!!!

Well, this is horrible news and a major setback for my legal defense. My lead attorney, Johnnie Cochran, has died.

I mean, this guy was able to convince a jury that O.J. Simpson was innocent, for crying out loud!! How frikkin' amazing is that!?!?! With him leading my defense team, I have no doubt I would have emerged from that courtroom with a Nobel Peace Prize.

Now I'm just plain f*cked.

Wonderful news!! That new Iraqi Parliament thing met yesterday, and it dissolved into a shouting match between Kurds, Shiites, and Sunnis as they tried to select a speaker for the chamber. Tempers flared, and the country's fake President stormed out, along with the fake interim Prime Minister.

See? I told you that stupid democracy idea would never work in Iraq. But does anyone ever listen to me? To good ol' Saddam? To the guy who ran the country for 25 years? Who knows Iraq better than anyone? No, of course not! They're all too busy calling me names and accusing me of crimes against humanity!

Not that I'm bitter....

Sunday, March 27, 2005

The situation in Kyrgystan--or whatever the hell it's called--continues to detoriate. It's also become yet another example of the failure of democracy: There are now several rival parliaments arguing about which of them is the legitmate one!

That's just plain nuts, and leads to nothing confusion. For example, let's say one parliament decides to go poking its nose into a highly charged family squabble and orders the feeding tube reconnected. Meanwhile, another totally different parliament votes to mind its own damn business, not get involved, and let the state courts settle the matter. And that's not even counting the religious fanatics out on the sidewalk who keep getting arrested for trespassing with a glass of water. So who does the hospice listen to?

If you have a single dictator who is able to consolidate power and kill his opposition, there would be no silly questions about who's in charge.

Friday, March 25, 2005

What is the deal with this spreading scourge of democracy? Isn't there some sort of protective vaccine that can be given to us despots?

It seems that another country has unjustly deposed a longtime dictator. This time it was Kyrgystan.

Yeah, that's exactly what I said. But I checked, and there really is a country by that name. It used to be part of the old Soviet Union, until they went all soft and wishy-washy.

The people of Kyrgystan apparently got fed up with constant government corruption, disputed elections, and a severe shortage of vowels.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I have on several occasions talked about the inferiority of democracy. Some of you, I'm sure, have disagreed with me. And if I knew who you were, I would personally come to your house and yank out your toenails one by one.

But alas, I don't. That's one problem with the anonymity of the internet.

I bring this up only because there has another colossal failure of democracy. I am referring, of course, to the American Idol fiasco. In case you've been living under Iraq--er, I mean under a rock--and missed the story, here's what happened: During Monday night's episode, Fox TV showed the wrong phone numbers to call to vote for each individual contestant! I should also note that Fox TV is run by the same group of morons that run Fox News, which explains a lot (More on those nimrods tomorrow).

And the worst part of it is that we can't blame Simon for the mess.

How the hell can you screw up something so major as American Idol!?!?! I mean, fine, it's okay if the United States screws up its presidential elections. It's not like those things matter. But American Idol!?!?!?! When the selection of a winner can effect every single infidel living in that country!?!?! This is shocking, and only serves to further demonstrate how fragile democracies are to the winsome whims of the fickle finger of fate.

We despots are big on alliteration....

Rest assured I would never have tolerated this type of mistake on Iraqi Idol. On the other hand, because I was running the damn thing, we didn't have to worry about voting, either.

A recent poll of Iraqis shows that a majority of those surveyed think the country's future looks bright.

Nonsense. That brightness was actually the flash from an exploding car bomb.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

People sometimes come up to me and say, "Hey, Saddam! Are you looking forward to your trial? What is your legal strategy going to be? Which do you prefer: The electric chair, a firing squad, lethal injection, hanging, or the gas chamber?"

Well, first of all, that question assumes that there's even going to be a trial. There is still too much turmoil in Iraq, and the judges keep getting blown up. But still, I like to plan ahead just in case. So my lawyers will argue that I can't possibly receive a fair trial here because the potential jury pool has been tainted and/or killed. So we'll move to have the proceedings moved to California. And once that happens, I'll be as good as free. California juries never convict anyone, regardless of the evidence. Hell, they let O.J. Simpson off, didn't they? And who was that other, washed-up actor? Robert Blake? He even tried to hire frikkin' hit men to knock off his wife, and he STILL got acquited.

And you just watch: Michael Jackson's going to get off as well, and I don't mean "getting off" from playing with little boys.

In fact, I'm thinking about following Jacko's lead on this by repeatedly showing up late in the courtroom, wearing pajama bottoms to the trial, and crying like a big ol' baby in front of the judge.

On the other hand, if I follow his example too closely, I might get locked up for being a wack job from outer space.

The gas chamber!?! Man, would that be an ironic death or what?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Gosh, has it really been two years since Bush started the war too early with that "decapitation attempt?" I bet if you ask Laura, she'll tell you that it wasn't the first time the President did something prematurely.

Anyway, it warms the cockles of my heart--and believe me when I say I have one of the biggest cockles around--to see so many of my supporters all around the world protesting the illegal invasion and occupation of my palaces.

So what exactly has the United States accomplished during the last two years? Well, they've spent of billions and billions of dollars trying to pacify my country. But rather than being pacified, it continues to behave like a colicky baby. Or, more precisely, a colicky baby armed with machine guns, rocket propelled grenade launchers, and roadside bombs.

And yes, they have captured me, but so what? How was I threat? I had no nuclear program, no poison gas plants, no stockpiles of Anthrax, no working relationship with Al Qaeda, and my air force was subterranean (that means buried in the sand, you ninny). Plus, I had finally decided to be a nice guy and let the United Nations weapons inspectors in like Bush wanted, and what happens? He tells them to leave!!! He changes his mind more often than my wives when they're trying to decide what to wear to a public execution!

Oh, and here's the best part: The guy who killed the 3,000 Americans on 9-11 is still on the loose!!! And making frikkin' videotapes!!!

But at least I'm in jail, so the world must be a better place.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

There are some reports that Al Qaeda terrorists may be training as scuba divers so that they can attack ships. That's gotta be the craziest damn thing I've ever heard--Well, at least since that time Bush gave me 48 hours to get out of Iraq.

Now I have no way of knowing for sure since--as the whole stinkin' world now knows--I don't have a working relationship with Al Qaeda. But I do know middle eastern men, and we just don't do water very well. In fact, if you look at the statistics, 73% of drowning victims are Arab males.

Well, okay, maybe I made that part up. But the truth of the matter is that we don't have a whole lot experience with H2O. I suppose that's to be expected when you live in the middle of a frikkin' desert surrounded on all four sides by more frikkin' desert. Hell, expecting one of us to take up scuba diving makes about as much sense as thinking that Jamaicans can field an Olympic quality bobsled team.

It's also why middle eastern guys only bathe every two months or so. That's almost as rarely as the French. It's also why we all look so swarthy--and it ain't from sun exposure.

So to think that you're going to teach some poor 19 year old sap from Jordan to swim is just plain nuts. Good luck with that. Seriously You're about as likely to convince him to jump into the water as you are to make him want to strap on explosives and voluntarily go blow himself up.

Hmmm.... On the other hand, I guess we're dumb enough to try anything once.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

The temporary seat warmers currently pretending to be 'governing' my country have reasserted their commitment to democracy.

Yeah, right. We'll see how long that lasts.

Look at what's happening in Lebanon. People got all excited when the demonstrators forced Premier Omar Karami to step down. But then Hezbollah stepped in and organized even bigger demonstrations in his favor, and now he's being reinstated!

So much for democracy there, eh? And if the demonstrators keep protesting back and forth, arguing about who's mob is bigger, it's only a matter of time until the whole country slips back into a civil war.

Then there was some sort of democracy thing in Egypt, where some opposition leader was freed from prison and may now run for President. Hey, let me give you a little tip: If you're dumb enough to believe Mubarak is going to give up power just because he loses an election, you're dumb enough to believe Michael Jackson is innocent!!

As I've said before, democracy is a passing fad. It may even work for a little while in some societies. But ultimately despotism will prevail, for people love being told what they can and can't do. Oh, they may not want to admit it, but deep down, they crave discipline and having boundaries set for them.

Kind of like teenagers.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Longtime reader, renown legal scholar, and faithful sniveling follower Tung Yin writes:

"Hey Saddam, that bin Laden guy has told that al Zarqawi guy to concentrate on attacking the U.S. directly. Doesn't that mean that Mr. Zarqawi won't be trying to get Iraq back for you?"

That is a common misconception, Mr. Yin, and I am grateful you have provided me with an opportunity to address the matter. By the way, forget filing any more briefs on my behalf. I have found boxers to be much more comfortable.

Let me first say that Zarqawi is operating in Iraq as an independent contractor. As such, he is not entitled to any health benefits, vacation time, or overtime pay. Additionally, he is here uninvited. While I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I have to wonder about Mr. Zarqawi's motivations for offering his services. Is he truly fighting for the liberation of Iraq, or is he one of those religious nutcases like Osama bin Laden or Jerry Falwell? Based on some of what Zarqawi has said, I suspect he's the latter.... In other words, he wants to turn my country into another Taliban dominated theocracy.

By the way, in case anyone wants to use him as an example of my ties to terrorists, do I need to point out that Zarqawi is Jordanian? He didn't show up here in Iraq until AFTER the United States invaded.

Monday, March 14, 2005

In an interesting development, President Bush now says that preventing another attack by bin Laden is America's "greatest challenge."

It is? Well, then why did Bush allow himself to get sidetracked by coming after me? Shouldn't he have stayed focused on America's greatest challenge?

Now I will freely admit that I'm not exactly a neutral party in this matter. Having said that, I strongly feel that if the infidels had sent 150,000 troops after bin Laden instead of having them get bogged down in a country that wasn't even a threat, then maybe Al Qaeda wouldn't still be a threat to the entire world.

Iran has accused the United States of "hallucinating" over talks to end its nuclear program. Well, if so, it wouldn't be the first time. The United States has a long history of hallucinations when it comes to the middle east.

In fact, I've long suspected that there's more than just roses growing in the White House rose garden.

Saturday, March 12, 2005


According to the New York Times, a respected infidel newspaper that allows its reporters to make up stories, the United States intelligence on Iran "is insufficient for making firm judgements."

WHOA!!!!! Is that even possible!?!?! The Bush Administration relying on faulty intelligence!?!?! I'm sorry, but I just find that incredibly hard to believe. America is not the kind of country that would go around making snap decisions based on screwed up, unverifified intelligence. I mean, the ramifications of launching an invasion of a sovereign country based on false evidence would be too great, and no American leader would ever allow such an irresponsible act to take place!

So if the United States says that a country has a nuclear weapons program, well by gosh, it must be true!!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Did you happen to see this photo of Condoleezza Rice? It was taken when she and Bush were in Europe a couple of weeks ago. Is it just me, or does she look like some sort of sinister but sexy cross between Darth Vader and a hooker?

Anyway, while you ponder that, her are a couple of great jokes I came across:

AN IRAQI INSURGENT walks into a bar, orders a drink and proposes a toast "to the health of the great George W. Bush."

The bartender is dumbfounded. "How can you -- a murderous, insane, poorly shaved religious fanatic -- drink to the health of a man who embodies everything you oppose: namely, the spread of freedom and liberty and goodness across the globe?"

The filthy swine slaps his forehead. "You are right!" he says. "Forget the drink. I'd better
beheading home!"

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Was that a hoot or what? Okay, here's another one:

PRESIDENT BUSH AND TWO ENEMIES OF FREEDOM are on a small airplane when the pilot keels over dead. The plane plummets. There are only two parachutes. The first enemy of freedom grabs one and says, "I need to remain alive so I can continue to ensure that people live in tyranny," and jumps out of the plane. The second evildoer grabs the second parachute and says, "If I die, who will enslave the masses?" and jumps out of the plane.

President Bush says to himself, "Gosh, it's too bad that we are over the ocean and those fellows are going to drown." Then, utilizing the skills he learned when defending our country in the National Guard, he takes over the controls himself and brings the plane down safely on an island. Chuckling softly, he says, "Mission accomplished."

Did you get it? Mission accomplished!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! when I read that one, I about peed my pants! Here's one last one, short but cute:

I JUST FLEW IN FROM BAGHDAD, where I have been commanding thousands of brave troops who are fighting day and night to spread liberty across the globe, and, boy, are my armies tired!

And I'll leave you with this one last photo, taken when Bush stopped in Bratislava during his European tour last month. I think the lettering on the wall pretty will sums things up:

In what appears to be a historic first, a blogger was invited to attend a White House Press briefing this morning. The honor fell to an infidel named Garrett M. Graff, the writer of a Washington based site known as Fishbowl DC.

How odd! I wonder why I wasn't invited?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Saturday, March 05, 2005

For the last month the people of Italy have followed with great interest the story of Giuliana Sgrena, a female Italian journalist kidnapped by insurgents just over a month ago. The kidnappers demanded that the Prime Minister of Italy withdraw the 3000 troops that were stationed here in Iraq. He was keeping those soldiers here despite widespread opposition from his own citizens. Now if it had been me, I wouldn't have cared what the stupid people thought. But public opinion matters a lot in democracies, which is a fundamental weakness of that horribly flawed form of government.

So it was with great relief that the Italian people and their President learned of Sgrena's release yesterday. I don't know why she was let go, but her release was negotiated by Nicola Calipari, an Italian intelligence official.

So what happens on their way to the airport? As they approached a checkpoint, American soldiers opened fire on the vehicle. Calipari, instead of diving for cover, instead threw himself on top of Sgrena to shield her.

His actions got him killed while saving the freed reporter's life, though she was wounded. An accident? Well, yes. But all accidents carry consequences for those responsible.

The repurcussions of this event will be severe. Don't be suprprised if Italy ultimately decides on pulling its troops out of Iraq because of it.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Oh my. Gunmen have killed a member of the illegal tribunal that was set to try me, as well as a lawyer working for the group. This comes just days after that very same tribunal ruled that a number of my top government officials are to be tried on charges of crimes against humanity.

Hmmm.... I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

Incidentally, the number of American troops killed in Iraq has now hit 1500. Meanwhile the man who killed 3000 Americans on September 11, 2001 is not only still on the loose, but continuing to make videos urging his followers to kill even more Americans.

But hey, that's okay. At least I'm in jail, so I guess it's all been worth it.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

This democracy thing is getting completely out of hand. Now the entire Lebanese government--which was controlled by the Syrians--has resigned. And you know why? All because a couple of tens of thousands of people were protesting outside their parliament building.

What a bunch of pussies!!! All Prime Minister Omar Karami had to do was send in some tanks to crush a few dozen helpless, unarmed demonstrators and everyone would have fled for their lives. That way, he would still be in power, his government officials would still have jobs, and the Syrians would still be solidly in control of Lebanon. Then Karami could have sent in some political prisoners to clean the blood off the pavement, and everyone would have gone home happy!!!

Hey, it worked for the Chinese at Tiananmen Square!