Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Any bets on whether Bush will declare "Bring 'em on" during his acceptance speech on Thursday?

You've probably heard by now that the Bush campaign created something of a controversy when it referred to the Olympics in its advertising. It uses a clip of the President telling an audience, "At this Olympics there will be two more free nations--and two fewer terrorist regimes." The problem, however, is that the Olympics and politics is forbidden. Not to mention that crap about me cavorting with known terrorists! I thought that had been discredited by now, but apparently not.

But the best part about this story is the Iraqi puppet soccer team's reaction. One player, a Salih Sadir, said that "Iraq as a team does not want Mr. Bush to use us for the presidential campaign. He can find another way to advertise himself."

But the best quote came from player Ahmed Manajid: "I want to defend my home. If a stranger invades America and the people resist, does that mean they are terrorists? ... Everyone [in Falluja] has been labeled a terrorist. These are all lies. Falluja people are some of the best people in Iraq."

As much as I appreciate their comments, I am also somewhat suspicious of them. These men probably see the handwriting on the wall--assuming there are still any walls left that haven't been blown up by car bombs--and realize that I will soon be issued an apology and full pardon, at which point I will return to power. And when that happens, I'll be checking my list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice.

Yes, in a way I suppose that is kind of like what Santa does. But I'm betting jolly ol' Saint Nick doesn't go around publicly executing dissident elves.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Death to the Great Satan and all the evil it represents, but we love those Air Jordan sneakers and Nike t-shirts!Normally it pleases me when my many supporters throughout the world demonstrate on my behalf. Indeed, nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than hearing thousands of protesters chanting anti-American slogans in the streets of some European capital. And it positively brings a tear to my eye when some hooded anarchist burns the US flag. And the irony of it all just fills my heart with, um, well, irony. If any of these people had ever tried protesting against my regime in Iraq, they'd have ended up in Abu Ghraib faster than you can say "Death to the Great Satan and all the evil it represents, but we love those Air Jordan sneakers and Nike t-shirts!"

And keep in mind that when I ran that place, we engaged in only serious, classic torture. You know, stuff like pulling out fingernails with pliers, delivering electric shocks to prisoner's manly parts, etc. None of this gay porn crap the Americans were into. What the hell kind of movies do the infidels watch to come up with those kind of ideas? That's just sick.

---------------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

Anyway, my point is that I appreciate the gestures of support. However, I am finding the recent reports out of Greece somewhat disturbing. Apparently large groups of demonstrators have caused Colin Powell to cancel plans to attend the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but KNOCK IT OFF!!!!! Why are you protesting against Colin Powell? He is the only person in the Bush administration with a lick of common sense! He warned Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld that an occupation of Iraq would quickly turn ugly. But did they listen to him? No, of course not. Because those three had already made up their minds and didn't want to hear from anyone who disagreed with their rosy assessments of the future.

Granted, Powell did go before the United Nations and accuse me of some very nasty crimes, but that's okay. I'm sure he was forced to do that because President Cheney was threatening to ship Mrs. Powell and the kids off to Guantanomo Bay. I know from personal experience that nothing motivates reluctant cabinet ministers more than threats against their families.

But I can certainly understand the urge to vent frustration against America, so do what I do: Find yourselves a high quality Xerox machine--Oh, wait.... Is the term "Xerox" trademarked? Probably is, and I certainly wouldn't want to get myself into legal trouble....

So Find yourselves a high quality generic COPIER (Canon makes the best ones (HAHAHA)), drop your pants, sit on the machine, and make a quality image (spring for full color if you can afford it) of your hairy pimple-ridden tuckus. Then fax that to the White House.

And just for laughs, sign it Texas Guard Veterans for Truth.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

You are getting sle-e-e-e-e-py.... Very, very sle-e-e-e-e-py....According to this latest news item, things in Najaf may be about to come to a head.

Puppet Prime Minister Ayad Allawi is issuing yet another final ultimatum to Muqtada al-Sadr and his wacko followers still holed up in that shrine, warning that unless they immediately lay down their arms, then another ultimatum warning of dire consequences may be forthcoming. This could, in turn, lead to an final ultimatum followed by, quite possibly, another absolutely, positively no more ultimatums after this ultimatum. Both sides are currently in negotiations over the exact wording of the next ultimatum, which may or may not be the last one.

What's next? A bunch of "final chances?"

Personally, I think it would be easier to just gas the whole bunch of 'em.

(Thanks to Solar for the link.)

Everyone's a whiner....

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Stunning news out of Oslo, Sweden. Or maybe it's Norway. Then again, Oslo could be in Finland. Not that it really matters, though. No one can tell those three apart anyway.

Masked gunmen burst into an art museum and stole Edvard Munch's "The Scream" and Madonna. What the hell is this world coming to, when armed hoodlums can just stroll into respected Swedish art museums--though it could also be respected Norwegian or Finnish art museums--and walk out with famous paintings? What the hell is that about? It's not like we're talking about the Baghdad Museum of Antiquities, which was left wide open to looters because the Americans invaded me with insufficient forces to secure as much as a frikkin' gas station.

No, this particular outrage happened not in the Middle East, but in a civilized part of the world, right next to Scandinavia.... Or maybe it's next to Denmark.... Possibly Holland.... Though it could also be next to the Netherlands. Maybe even Belgium. Doesn't really matter, though. No one can tell them apart either.

Now as far as Madonna is concerned, who cares? She's getting kind of old and probably developing cellulite by now. But if it were Britney Spears, well, then that would be a different matter.

But "The Scream?" That's a world famous painting. What the hell are they going to do with it? Sell it on eBay? It's not like you can hang that one on your living room wall and no one will notice it.

Changing the subject just a bit, what's going on with the Americans' so-called "Dream Team?" They just lost ANOTHER basketball game, this time to Lithuania! Or maybe it was Latvia. Possibly Estonia. No one can tell those three apart anyway.

The Americans are NBA players, for crying out loud!! How can they lose to farmers from Lithuania.... Or Latvia.... Or Estonia? I mean, the Americans invented the damn game!!! Michael Jordan needs to come out of retirement again to straighten these guys out.

And I'll tell you something else right now: If Uday were still around, and he had been coaching the Americans, they would NEVER have lost. Uday knew how to motivate a sports team!

Saturday, August 21, 2004

---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Does anyone know what the hell is going on in Najaf? First Muqtada al-Sadr is surrendering, then he's not, and then the militants are coming out, and then they're still in there, and then the Iraqi puppet police are in control, and then they're not, And then Sadr is disarming, and then he's not, and then Nicky Hilton gets married, and a week later she still is, and then aliens have landed and made contact with earthlings, and then they haven't....

The whole thing is very, VERY confusing, and it only serves to point out what I've been saying all along: The only thing those damn Shiites understand is Sarin.

I would loan the Americans some, but gosh, I don't seem to have any of that stuff any more!

Since I'm Saddam, I reserve the right to go back and occasionally edit old posts. Any objections?

I didn't think so.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Now a Republican congressman has come out against the invasion of my country. In a letter to his contitients.... constitutionis.... his subjects, Doug Bereuter of Nebraska says the war is a "costly mess." He goes on to say that the United States' reputation around the world has suffered greatly.

This is a truly bold move by Congressman Bereuter, and I admire his cajones. Of course, if a member of my government ever broke ranks with me like that, well, it wouldn't have been pretty. There would have been electrodes, torture, fingernails being pulled, lots of screaming, splattering blood, etc. Of course, since Mr. Bush is running a democracy with freedom of speech, he can't do any of that.

So you see, being a despot has its advantages!

---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star


As many of you already know, I am multitalented. In addition to being a widely respected dictator hellbent on world domination, I have musical aspirations as well.

Here's my latest composition. Oh, and just like Enya, I play all my own instruments!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

I am experiencing quite a dilemma.

As you know I absolutely despise Shiites. They're good for absolutely nothing except target practice. Yet I must admit a begrudging admiration for Muqtada al-Sadr, who has proven himself to be quite a thorn in the Americans' side. Plus, there have been allegations he knocked off a rival cleric last year, so maybe the guy isn't all that bad after all.

Most importantly, Najaf is getting the holy crap pounded out of it. I mean, look at this photo!! Quite frankly, I don't think I could have done a better job myself!!

What? That's NOT a photo of Najaf!?! That's Florida!?! Well, why would Bush be bombing Florida? Did they screw up the election again, but this time in his opponent's favor? Never mind. I don't pretend understand the democratic process, and I hope I never do. Tyrannical rule is much simpler.

Anyway, my point is that I'm thoroughly enjoying what's happening with al-Sadr. The beauty of current situation is that there is no way the Americans can win this thing in the court of Arab public opinion. And if al-Sadr is killed, then he becomes a martyr not only in the eyes of his supporters, but in the hearts of everyone in the middle East.

On the other hand, if the Americans back off, then al-Sadr ends up winning a major victory! That, in turn, will only encourage further resistance to the occupying forces.

In the meantime, innocents will continue to die and carbombs will continue to explode. And with each subsequent incident, people will only come to further miss the good old days when I was running things!! Yeah, sure, occasionally my security forces would kick in the front door and drag someone's screaming relative off to prison, never to be seen again. But at least people could walk their dogs without having to worry about getting blown to bits in a drive-by bombing.

Plus, people knew what to expect in my prisons! Good old fashioned physical torture and a slow agonizing death! None of this foolishness about getting stripped naked while pregnant infidel women point at your naughty bits!!!

Monday, August 16, 2004

A number of you have asked me how I feel about the Iraqi soccer team's victory over Portugal the other day.

Let me first say that I'm not much of a sports fan. I'm usually too busy oppressing someone, or hitting on Arab chicks with hairy armpits in bars, or ordering chemical weapon attacks on the Shiites. Um, what I mean is, I WOULD be busy ordering chemical weapon attacks, IF I actually had any, which I don't. Not me. No sirree. Uh-uh. No way.

Although I'm sure the US would love to have some WMD's right about now to help clean up Najaf. But more on that later....

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

As far as the motivation of sports teams is concerned, that was always Uday's specialty. He enjoyed hanging around men's lockerrooms, and coaching gave him the perfect excuse.

But as far as this current Iraqi soccer team is concerned, keep in mind that they don't count. They're not the real Iraqi soccer team.

They're merely the puppet Iraqi soccer team.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

The Washington Post's editor's have been flogging themselves over their blind belief in the Bush Administration's wild rantings about my weapons of mass of destruction. But why? Do these people also stop and listen and carefully take notes when they encounter some wacko homeless guy on a street corner, pushing his worldly possessions along in a shopping cart, as he wildly flails his arms and rants about the alien mind control device implanted in his skull?

But now these Post bigwigs admit that a few reporters wrote stories questioning some of the intelligence, but those stories ended being buried on page A-18 next to the JC Penney lingerie ads.

Look guys, I appreciate your attempts to correct your past mistakes, but it's kinda late now, ain't it? I mean, thousands of people have died because some dyslexic idiot couldn't tell the difference between IraQ and IraN, my country is in ruins--even more so than when I was running it--and instability is spreading throughout the middle east, and NOW you're finally saying "Oopsies!"

It's understandable. Mistakes happen. Now stop torturing yourselves over it.

I'll do that myself when I get out of here.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Thursday, August 12, 2004

I continue to be vexed by the Bush Administration's double standards. For example, you remember how he branded my humble little peace-loving paradise of a nation as a "rogue state," and used that as a justification to launch his surprise attack, of which I had absolutely no warning? Just what is a "rogue state," anyway? A country that doesn't quite fit into international standards of normal behavior? And who's to say that Iraq wasn't merely an "eccentric state," a kind of nation-sized version of your eccentric uncle Fred, who likes hanging out at playgrounds in his trenchcoat? And what about Han Solo? Wasn't he a "lovable rogue?" How come Bush isn't condemning him? And if Han really is as tough as he pretends to be, how come he isn't kicking George Lucas' ass for destroying the Star Wars franchise with those last two sequels, or prequels, or whatever the hell they're called?

Now you may be wondering where I'm going with this. Go ahead, raise your hands if you think ol' Saddam has finally cracked..... WOW!!! There's a lot of you, isn't there? Well, let me just jot down your IP addresses, and I'll be over to pay you a visit as soon as I'm outta here.

Anyway, the reason I raise this issue is that I just came across this article about rogue waves that can threaten international shipping. These are 100 foot tall monster walls of water that can occur either during storms, or even in calm seas, and swamp a ship. Satellite imagery has demonstrated that these are a REAL threat, as opposed to the make believe fantasy threat that I posed to the world!!

So why isn't Bush out there bombing the damn ocean?

---------------Bill Schorr, United Media

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

I remember the firestorm of controversy that erupted a year and a half ago when the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines made her anti-Bush comment in London. She created quite an uproar among the groups' conservative fans, and many radio stations went as far as to ban their songs.

Well, that was now and this is then. No wait.... I mean THAT was THEN and THIS is NOW!! Not only have the views of the Dixie Chicks been vindicated, but many other musicians are now climbing aboard the anti-Bush bandwagon. Now I'm not sure what a bandwagon is in America, but around these parts, it's a traditional Bedouin mode of transportation pulled by camels.

But I digress....

The Dixie Chicks will be joining the "Vote for Change" concert tour. Other musicians included in the 20 city tour are Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne, and members of Pearl Jam. Their effort is specifically intended to oust to oust Bush by raising $44 million for John Kerry.

Needless to say, I would love to join them. No, no, that's not just wishful thinking on my part. I'm a serious musician, although my duties as a world renown despot often came before my rock and roll showmanship.

In fact, Natalie and I came out with a CD of duets in the spring of 2003. But alas, after she opened her yap that night in London, no radio station in America would even touch the album, and its sales went straight down the toilet.

Anyway, we've already talked about working together again just as soon as I get out of this joint. We're going to do an album of nothing but classic Captain & Tennile love songs.

And no free downloads!!! I need the cash.

Monday, August 09, 2004

---------------Mike Keefe, Denver Post


Wonderful news!!! I think my day of freedom just got a little bit closer!!

Remember that fat f*ck, Ahmad Chalabi? He's the lying sack of camel crap that convinced the Americans I had WMD's, and that their armies would be greeted as liberators. Of course, that doesn't mean this war is entirely his fault; after all, he still had to find a United States President, Vice President, and Secretary of Defense STUPID enough to believe him.

Then a couple of months ago Chalabi was accused of giving sensitive information to the Iranians. That had to be just a bit embarrassing for the Americans. But today his sordid tale got even better!!

Now comes word that the temporary puppet government of Iraq has issued a warrant for his arrest. Apparently he was caught with a whole sh*tload of counterfeit dinars in his house!! And if that's not bad enough, a separate warrant has been issued for Salem Chalabi, Ahmad's nephew. No, not for anything stupid like counterfeiting. Nope. Salem's warrant is for murder!!!! And it was Salem, you may recall, who was the SOB in charge of the tribunal that was going to try me for.... MURDER!!! Well, okay, technically there are several hundred thousand counts of murder against me compared to Salem's one, but still, it looks bad.

I mean, let's face it: Salem Chalabi trying me for murder would be almost as absurd as, oh, George Bush attacking John Kerry's war record!!!

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Further proving that I was right all along, the illegally installed puppet regime currently trying to do a pathetic imitation of running a country has reinstalled the death penalty in Iraq. However, they are stressing that it will be MUCH more rarely used than when I was running things.

Well, fine, but I think you're going to start seeing people spitting on the sidewalks again.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks


Those sniveling cowards in Kuwait have banned Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 911. They're upset that the movie insults the Saudi Royal family, and is opposed to the invasion of my country.

Oddly enough, however, they didn't ban Harold and Kumar Go to an Afghan Terror Training Camp Secretly Funded by the Saudi Royal Family and Learn how to Steer a Plane.

Friday, August 06, 2004

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

Some of you may recall that back on July 22 I cited the story of the missing jogger in Utah. And before any other details were known, I predicted that the husband did it.

Usually I enjoy always being right.

This, however, was not one of those times.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

As you've probably heard, the Infidel States of America has Washington, New York, and Newark, New Jersey under a Code Orange terror alert. You know what I find wildly amusing about this? If Bush hadn't wasted all that time--and all those resources--invading Iraq and chasing me around, they probably would have caught bin Laden by now!!! After all, he's the guy who killed who killed 3000 Americans on 9/11, not me!

That's the sad truth about the present situation: If bin Laden had been the one caught last December, the current Code Orange alert would not have been necessary and--even more importantly--I'd be sipping cognac next to my pool in Tikrit. Instead I'm sitting in a jail cell in Qatar sipping rancid water next to a metal toilet while guards walk by and point at my genitals.

With admiration, no doubt.

And why is Newark on that list of potential targets? I mean, who the hell would want to attack frikkin' Newark!?!?! How would you even tell the difference afterwards!?!?!

I've made a few minor changes on the site. First of all, I added a "Best of Saddam" section. You may either click the link near the top of the page, or scroll down to near the bottom. They're in chronological order according by date. The listed entries were selected by a highly impartial panel: Me. Well, originally, there 12 other people, but they kept offering suggestions that I didn't entirely agree with.

I'm sure they will receive decent burials.

Also, I finally found a weather feed for Iraq that works. It's at the top of the left hand column. Unfortunately, it's the conditions for Basra and not Baghdad, but who cares? If you've seen one frikkin' desert, you've seen 'em all.

My polls, which I offer in order to pretend I care what you think, are now ad free. Feel free to click on to them without being bombarded by half a dozen pop-ups.

If you're a Blogspot user and have extra gmail invitations on hand, you may donate them to the American troops. Now some of you may wonder why I'm doing such a nice thing. That's a legitimate question, and if you wish to press your luck further, you are most welcome to join the 12 members of my aforementioned "Best Of" committee. Oh, and bring your own shovel.

And one final note to you Blogspotters: As you are no doubt aware, Blogger has now begun offering its own commenting system. And if you're anything like me, you enjoy periodically gassing your neighbors, in addition to wondering how this new commenting feature works. And if you're NOTHING like me, you're probably still wondering how it works even though you're a pathetic wuss of an infidel.

Well, I finally found a site (and no, that link does NOT take you to a porn site, you simple minded pervert. Now pull your pants back up) that uses the new commenting feature, and quite frankly, it sucks. The first click only displays the comments already posted, and you need to click a second time if you want to leave one yourself. Plus, unless you want to leave an anonymous comment, you need to sign in with your user name. And if you're not already a Blogspot user, you need to sign up.

Frankly, that stinks. That's the kind of egotistical ploy you would expect from the French. If you're anything like me, you enjoy shooting Shiites for the hell of it, in addition to signing your work when you leave threatening remarks on the sites of rabid right wing bloggers who continue to believe Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are military genuises.

So follow the example of your Uncle Saddam and hide in a seven foot deep hole when 600 enemy troops looking to kick your ass suddenly show up in your backyard, and stick with Haloscan for your comments.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

You know, I was kind of missing my Minister of Information's ridiculous pronouncements. But then I started thinking about it....

---------------From an Email

I know there has been a lot of snickering going on behind my back about my alleged poetry writing. And that's okay! Really! I'm well aware of who's been making snide comments, and I've been recording your IP addresses. In fact, I just emailed the list to the Committee of Planning and Follow-up. They will be in touch with you shortly.

As for the rest of you who aren't suddenly fleeing for your lives, I thought I would share one of my poems with you:

They call me Beast of Baghdad.
They're hurtful and they're snide --
But that's because they've never seen
My sweet, poetic side.
Sure, I authorized some floggings,
And gassed to death some foes,
But I'm hoping now to show the world
The Saddam that no one knows.
This Saddam is filled with anguish
For all things mean and bad.
I weep for mankind's pain -- in fact,
My name begins with Sad.
My pen, it has a warhead
You thought I'd hidden weapons
And I admit I did, in part:
To warm the coldest heart.
Neither cell nor fetid rathole
Can still this plaintive wail.
I'll keep writing mush, I swear it
Till you get me outta jail.

Oh, and if anyone tries to tell you that was actually written by a some guy named Gene Weingarten, don't listen to them.