Did you know that the United States controls the internet? Oh, it's true. In fact, the www was started as a project by the Pentagon to tie its computers together. But then the porn industry got a hold of the idea, and the rest is history.

Remember that old Matthew Broderick movie, Wargames? He hacks into some top secret computer and almost starts a nuclear war. Now the plot suddenly all makes sense!! What still does NOT make sense, and never will, is how that little twerp ended up marrying someone as hot as Sarah Jessica Parker....

Anyway, there have been some proposals that control of the computers that control the internet should be turned over to an international body of some sort, such as the European Union or the UN.

Actually, I'm available, too. I'm looking for work. Plus, I'm essentially a man without a country at the moment, so that makes me pretty damn "international." And I can absolutely guarantee you one thing: Give me control over the internet and I will put a stop to all the damn spammers, the phishing schemes, and those stupid Nigerian emails with the bad grammar once and for all.

It's time to face the awful truth: At the moment the United States is running the internet about as effectively as it's running the war in Iraq.

I have made no secret of the fact that I disdain democracy and couldn't care less about public opinion. However, this is one of those rare opportunities where I must make an exception to my own rules. As a world famous despot, I am entitled to do that.

An infidel college professor named Bainbridge is running a poll asking people what's wrong with President Bush. Most people so far are saying he's started drinking again.

If true, that would certainly explain a lot.

Lately there has been much concern that the proposed Iraqi constitution will be used to oppress to women. It is too early to say whether that will be the case, but there are some hopeful signs that women will be held in equal regard to men in the future.

For example, yesterday Iraq had its first female suicide bomber! Now is that a giant leap forward for equal rights, or what?

The incident happened in Tall Afar. If the city's name sounds familiar, that's because there was just a major crackdown on insurgents in the area. The fact that she was able to get through checkpoints and infiltrate a line of police recruits before blowing herself to teeny tiny bits also raises serious questions about what is going on here in Iraq.

For example, what does a female martyr get when she arrives in paradise? Is she still rewarded with the 72 virgins? And if so, are they lesbian virgins? And what exactly is a lesbian virgin anyway? Does that mean she's a lesbian who hasn't been with another woman yet, but it's okay if she's slept with men? And does the martyr take turns with the 72 virgins individually, or do they all, er, "do what lesbians do" all at once, all over the floor?

I find myself wrestling with these profound questions of religious dogma, but my knowledge in these matters is limited to what I've seen on the Playboy Channel. Too bad I don't have any significant meaningful ties to Osama, or I'd ask him.

I appreciate all the anti-war demonstrations in Washington this past weekend. I really and honestly truly do. I can't possibly emphasize enough how grateful I am.

That's what makes it all the more awkward to say what I'm about to say.... And while original forms of protest are certainly to be encouraged, and while no one appreciates a topless woman more than I.... Well, there are sometimes lines that just shouldn't be crossed. And quite frankly, this photo is a perfect illustration of what I mean.

Let me first say that I have no problem with the chick holding the bullhorn. From what I can tell, she's a babe. And the one in the pink pants holding the near end of the banner looks okay, too.

But as for the other two.... Well.... How shall I put this delicately? PUT YOUR TOPS ON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!! You're hideous!!!!! If i woke up one morning next to you, I'd have to gas myself!!!!!

Some things just shouldn't be seen without the benefit of a darkened bedroom.

One of my favorite American political analysts is the brilliant Bill Maher. He recently had the following to say on his HBO show:

America must recall the president.

That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky! I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

Impressive words, indeed.... And I fully expect Mr. Maher will be sharing my cell by the end of the week.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" He begins to openly weep.

His staff sits stunned at this sudden, unexpected display of emotion. They nervously watch as the President buries his face in his hands. His entire body is wracked by the sobbing.

Finally,Bush looks up. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he asks, "How many zeros is a brazillion?"

What? I've been frozen in carbonite!?!?! How come I'm always the last to know about these things?

Well, so much for America's so-called "freedom of speech." Cindy Sheehan, the mother of an American soldier killed in Iraq, and who has become a vocal critic of the war, was roughed up in New York City when police broke up an antiwar protest in that city. That was a couple of days ago.

Then yesterday her caravan was on its way to the United States Capitol when it was stopped by police in DC, supposedly to be inspected.

I truly admire Sheehan's courage and moral convictions. Of course, if she had tried that crap here back when I was in power, she would have been imprisoned and tortured, but that's besides the point.

President Bush has received a lot of criticism for taking so many vacations. In fact, he was at his ranch in Texas when that big sandstorm named Katrina hit his country. Have you ever wondered what the American President does during all those vacations? So have I, and I recently obtained a copy of an essay by Bush titled What I Did on My Summer Vacation.

I'm guessing he wrote it as a homework assignment for his remedial reading class.

Every now and then the infidels do something so incredibly stupid that I end up laughing until I pee my pants. They just did it again.... And I just did it again as well.

This latest boneheaded move by the occupiers happened down in Basra, which had been relatively calm.... Until now.

It all started a few days ago when Iraqi police arrested two British commandos. The Brits claim they were undercover agents, but the police claim the soldiers shot two officers. And despite British demands, the Iraqis were refusing to release the prisoners.

So what did the British do? They attacked the police station with freakin' tanks and helicopters!!! The assault destroyed a prison wall, and they were able to free their two soldiers.

And here's the best part: 150 other Iraqi prisoners escaped through the breech as well!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

This, of course, raises serious questions about the legitimacy of Iraq's so-called sovereignty. Just how sovereign is a country if the occupying forces won't let them exercise their judicial protocols? This incident is bound to have serious ramifications throughout the entire country, and will likely serve as a great recruiting tool for the insurgency.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my shorts.

Once again the world is witnessing another example of why democracy doesn't work, this time in Germany. Apparently no one won the election!!

Both current Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's Social Democrats and challenger Angela Merkel's conservatives are claiming victory. Each of their parties won 222 seats in their Parliament, which makes it a little tough to figure out who's in charge.

Further complicating the matter is that neither candidate has a brother who is governor of Florida.

So once again we get to see why despotism is a superior form of government: No elections to muddle the question of who's in charge. The only time you have to worry about a change in leadership is if there happens to be a coup. But if you're a smart despot, and carry out periodic purges and mass executions of your opponents, you don't have to worry about that!

A series of bombings and shootings throughout Baghdad have left 200 people dead over the past two days. The terror group Al Qaeda in Iraq (which, incidentally, did NOT exist when I was in power) is claiming the attacks are in retribution for the American crackdown on insurgents in the western part of the country. The terrorists are mostly killing poor, defenseless civilians who merely going about their daily business of trying to find work, or attending mosque, or going to the market, or simply trying to buy the latest copy of The Iraqi Enquirer to see if Brad and Jen are back together.

But according to the Bush Administration, the Iraqi people are better off than they were under me, so I guess the killings are a normal part of becoming a free and open society rooted in the principles of democracy.

I have followed with great interest the developments in the United States with this Katrina thing. First of all, I find it odd the Americans find it necessary to name their hurricanes. What's that about? You never hear about Iraqis naming our sandstorms. Must be some sort of infidel thing.

But specifically, I was most fascinated with this Michael Brown fellow. He was so damn familiar to me, it was driving me nuts! I kept trying to figure out where I knew him from, and then it finally dawned me!! But let me first back up a bit....

Brown was the head of FEMA, which is some sort of collection of bureaucrats whose job it is to get together whenever a major disaster hits the country and sit around with their thumbs up their asses. I can only pray that they used their own thumbs up their own asses. Otherwise.... Well, let's not even think about that.

Brown spoke several times about how everything was completely under control even as CNN showed dead bodies floating by. Then he would say something like "no one predicted the levees would break," even as the newshows were citing various studies over the years that predicted that very thing. Then in several interviews he said he only just then learned of worsening conditions inside the Superdome even though the media had been talking about it for days.

Then it finally dawned on me why I thought I knew him from somewhere: It was like I was watching my Minister of Information, Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf!!!! Remember when Mo denied there were American troops in Baghdad even as they were practically carrying him away from the podium? HAHAHAHA!!!! He was the absolute best at denying the painfully obvious.... Just like Brown.

I received the picture on the right via email. It supposedly appeared on Irish TV. All I can say is that I guess the Irish are firm believers in "truth in labeling."

In other news, insurgents have placed a $200,000 bounty on the heads of top Iraqi leaders. I have no particular objection to this, except that if anyone goes after President Talabani in his office, my desk had better not be damaged. If there is as much as a scratch, it's coming out of someone's reward money.

And Tal Afar, the big offensive against insurgents has been surprisingly quiet.

Well, duh!!

It's like I said a few days ago: If you tell the enemy in advance you're about to launch a surprise attack, they're going to leave! What, you think this is like a surprise birthday party, where the recipient somehow finds out about the party and then pretends to be all shocked when he switches on the lights and everyone jumps out from behind the furniture!?!?!?

I've heard that the Americans have sent National Guardsmen from Louisianna and Mississippi back home to deal with the effects of that hurricane.

Well, that's certainly a start. How many states are there? 50? So with any luck another 48 hurricanes will hit and I'll be off the hook!

Though I suppose it's somewhat unlikely that, say, North Dakota will be hit by a hurricane.

Illegitimate Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, who had better not be putting his feet on my desk, has come out and said that American troops won't be needed in Iraq in another two years. He also says that the only reason they are still needed now is to intimidate the country's neighbors.

My only disagreement with his present assessment of the geopolitical situation in Iraq is the timing. Personally, I don't think the Americans are needed now, so why wait? Besides, aren't they needed in New Orleans to stop the looters?

And Allah knows I never needed any help from the Americans to intimidate Iraq's neighbors when I was in charge!

One of the most time-honored traditions in the annals (that's "annals," not "anals"--there's a subtle but important difference) of military history is that of the "surprise attack." And one of the key aspects of a "surprise attack" is the element of what is commonly known as "surprise." And a key factor of any kind of surprise is not telling the other person (or persons) what is about to happen.

Has anyone bothered to explain this to Donald Rumsfeld? Back in the spring he and his commanders publicized the upcoming attack on Fallujah, which gave the insurgents plenty of time to get out of town. Then they did the same thing with Mosul. Far be it for me to tell the American Secretary of Defense how to do his job, but he probably should NOT be publicizing upcoming military operations.

For example, the Americans are now talking about launching a major offensive against rebels in the town of Tal Afar, which has become a major base of operations for the insurgency. But by talking about it, the Americans are essentially telling the insurgents to move their operations elsewhere before the attack.

Then again, maybe I'm just missing some ingenious new grand strategy on the part of Mr. Rumsfeld. I mean, what do I know? I'm just a deposed dictator.... Whose followers just happen to be giving the world's sole remaining superpower a run for its money.

Yesterday was a busy day for the Americans. They succeeded in freeing a contractor who had been held hostage since last October. Guess I should be polite and congratulations them for an operation well done. I'm guessing the reason it succeeded so well is that Rumsfeld didn't plan it.

Meanwhile, the infidels also spent much of the day bombing insurgent positions near the Syrian border. I'm hoping some innocent civilians were killed because that always looks good on the news, but no such luck so far.

And in Najaf, the Americans handed over control of the city to--GASP!!!--the Iraqi army!

This is how rumors start....

First of all, I did not confess to any crimes or massacres or anything of the sort. I merely, um, "acknowledged" possibly giving strong suggestions to some of my officers by asking if they valued their lives and the lives of their loved one.

Besides, Talabani and I were sitting around during visiting hours and playing a new drinking game. It's called "Huh? What'd He Say?" It's quite fun.

You sit around with your buddies and put on a tape of George Bush talking, making a speech, conducting a press conference, whatever. Whenever he mispronounces a word, you take a drink. If he utters a completely incomprehensible sentence, then you chug the rest of your beer.

Needless to say, the game usually ends pretty quickly.

Anyway, Talabani and I were sitting playing it, and right about the time Bush said "nucular" for the seventh time, we started talking about how annoying those Kurds are. He asked if I had any advice on how to handle them, and I suggested gassing them. "Always worked for me," I said.

And that's the last thing I remember, because then Bush said "There's an old saying in Tennessee--I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee--that says, fool me once, shame on--shame on you. Fool me--you can't get fooled again."

Didn't regain consciousness for three days after that one.

The Americans are finding Iraqi inmates to be quite resourceful. For example, several hundred prisoners dug a 357 foot tunnel in an effort to escape from a prison camp near the Iranian border.

They had worked on the tunnel for almost a year, using five gallon water cans to haul the dirt out, transfer it to their pockets or whatever, then discreetly spread it out over the soccer field. The Americans began to notice things like the soccer field was subtly changing colors, and the wooden floors in one of the buildings appeared to be rising, but they couldn't figure out what was going on.

The plot only became known to the occupiers when some weasel betrayed his fellow imprisoned Iraqis and squealed to their captors.

But here's what puzzles me: The Americans are making the Iraqis who built the tunnel sound like they're evil or something. Yet when Steve McQueen does the exact same thing in some old infidel movie about World War II POW's trying to escape from the Nazis, the Americans are portrayed as heroic, brilliant, and resourceful!

Now if that's not a double standard, I don't know what is.

Memos about the Bush Administration's planned invasion of me and the occupation to follow continue to crawl out of the woodwork. Now one dated Feb.7, 2003 has surfaced, warning of "serious planning gaps for post-conflict public security and humanitarian assistance." This one was written by three officials at the United States State Department, and came at a time the Pentagon was increasingly taking over post-war responsibilities from the State Department.

The memo also warned that "a failure to address short-term public security and humanitarian assistance concerns could result in serious human rights abuses which would undermine an otherwise successful military campaign, and our reputation internationally." Hmmmm.... Would that include things like naked human pyramid building?

It just further illustrates that the American leaders became increasingly cocky after their initial success in Afghanistan, and figured they could do no wrong.

Unfortunately no one informed us, and we screwed up what little planning they did do.

I just heard that they are reopening the Iraqi embassy in Kuwait. This is an absolute outrage!!! First of all, this implies that Kuwait is somehow a separate country, independent of Iraq, which is ridiculous. Everyone knows it's our 19th province.... Or was it ninth? 12th? I forget, but that's not the point.

What is even more upsetting about this is that after we defeated the Americans in the famous 1991 Battle of Kuwait City and voluntarily went back home, those people over there had the audacity to burn our embassy down!!! Then they just flat out refused to pay the bills we sent them. We finally turned the entire matter over to a collection agency, which explains those phone calls the Emir of Kuwait keeps getting at awkward moments.

Have you been following what's going on in America with that hurricane thing? The infidel city of New Orleans has been flooded for two days now, and is rapidly descending into a state of absolute anarchy. Earlier today they even had to suspend evacuation operations when an American military helicopter came under gunfire!!

Isn't that unbelievable? Those damn Iraqi insurgents are everywhere!!

Yesterday, there was a procession of several thousand people commemorating the death of some martyr back in the year 799. We Muslims are big on that sort of thing. Anyway, some mortar rounds went off, there were a couple of small explosions, and rumors of a suicide bomber in their midst spread through the crowd.

As a result, panic broke out among the marchers just as they were crossing a bridge. In the ensuing melee, as many as a thousand people were killed as they plunged into the river below.

Thankfully, the dead were all Shiites.