Thursday, June 30, 2005

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

My head hurts.

No, no, don't worry about it. It's not like a brain tumor or anything. I'm healthy as a camel. I do, however, appreciate your concern.

The problem is that I have been banging my head into the wall all day long, over and over and over. It's the only way I can deal with that speech Bush delivered to the American people last night.

He repeatedly kept tying the current Iraq unpleasantness into the 9/11 attacks. Granted, he never actually came right out and said I was behind them, but he certainly implied it enough times. And he--as well as Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Rove--knows full well I had nothing to do with happened that day. As I've said before, I'm not stupid enough to attack America itself. Now Osama, on the other hand.... Well, let's just say that his SAT scores were down in the triple digits.

Last week I mentioned that some US Senator compared what was happening at the Guantanamo Bay prison to what the Nazis used to do. That Senator was Dick Durbin from the state of Illinois. His comments understandably touched off a firestorm of controversy, and he has since apologized.

What a wuss!!!!

Look, if you're going to say--or do--something incredibly outrageous, at least have the cojones to stick to your guns. Apologies are for sissies. Once you say you're sorry, you may as well just start wearing a damn burka, because you're no longer a man.

Did I apologize when I invaded Kuwait? No, of course not.

Did I apologize for killing Kurds? No, never.

Did I apologize for gassing Shiites? No, absolutely not.

And did Bush apologize for invading the wrong damn country? No way. He just came up with a new list of excuses.

Hey, I may disagree with the American President on a number of foreign policy issues, but I'm still prepared to admit that the guy has balls of steel.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Most of the time I enjoy reading the Daily Kos. He is an intelligent, well-spoken blogger who puts forth opinions based solidly on fact. Oh, and most importantly, he's a left wing Bush-basher.

However, I have to take serious issue with an entry he posted the other day. I find it most insulting and downright libelous! He was writing something attacking Karl Rove about his recent comments on the difference between the conservatives' and liberals' response to the 9/11 attacks. Again, it was very well written until suddenly, and completely without warning MY name popped up in a most unflattering context!!! Here's what he said:

"Instead of defeating our enemies, we went to war against an impotent enemy -- Saddam. And yes, we want to understand. Like, why did they lie to go to war in Iraq? Why is that war still going, unabated? Why are we no closer to victory now, than we were in when Bush declared "mission accomplished"? Why don't our troops have proper ammo? Why aren't there enough boots on the ground in Iraq? Why are we still dying in Afghanistan?"

Excuse me!?!?!? I have never EVER been impotent in my life!!!!! Little Saddam has NEVER let me down when called upon to perform!!!! Why, I don't even need that stinkin' Viagra crap! Using that stuff is a sign of weakness! That's why I plan to publicly execute all the spammers when I finally get out of here. How dare they send me emails suggesting that my manhood is somehow running a little slow!

Remember when the Dixie Chicks came to my defense a few years ago? Well, now you know why they like me so much!

I've said some pretty insulting things about Donald Rumsfeld over the last couple of years, but only because I think he's dumb as a rock.

No, no. I said dumb as "a rock," not dumb as "Iraq." There's a difference. Maybe not much of a difference, but at least some nonetheless.

At any rate, Rumsfeld has finally said something intelligent, so I thought I should go ahead and make a public note of it. He appeared on the Bush Administration's propaganda outlet, Fox News, and admitted that the Iraqi insurgency could go on for years. "It ebbs and flows," he said.

Yeah, and so does a backed-up sewer.... I'm not sure what that analogy means, but at this point I have nothing to lose, so what the hell.

The problem with this insurgency is all these foreign fighters that are coming across the various borders of Iraq just so they can martyr themselves and get laid by 72 virgins. Now as I've said before, I don't get the whole virgin thing. I prefer my women to have experience and to know what they're doing. The last thing I want to be doing during an intimate encounter with some 18 year old babe is explaining what goes where. Then they'll start giggling because my moustache "tickles down there." It can very distracting.

But some guys are into that, so who am I to judge them? But my point is..... What is my point? Did I even have one?

Oh, right. My point is that most of these damn foreigners coming into my country and stealing jobs from Iraqis are not professional terrorists. They're just bored young men looking to get laid. If there weren't Americans occupying Iraq, these people would still be back home tending to their damn goats.... And yes, having sex with them.

I suppose I have to agree--in a sense, at least--that the Americans are fighting terrorists. But the only reason they're terrorists in the first place is that there are Americans over here. It's a regular catch-22, whatever one of those is.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

In what some observers are calling an ominous sign for the future of despotism in the middle east, Iran has elected a new President. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a hardliner, so things aren't likely to change much. He claims to want to expand Iran's economy and modernize it, but if you're going to keep stoning adulterers to death in the streets, well, the rest of the world may be a little reluctant to do business with you.

Besides, the real power in Iran lies not with elected officials, but with the wacko mullahs who strictly interpret Islamic law.

In other words, it's kind of similar to the United States in that it's not the elected officials who make the laws, but the religious right.

Friday, June 24, 2005

It would appear that Bush is losing support for the Iraq war among members of his own party. Did I say "losing support?" Actually, it's turning into a regular avalanche.

First up, we have Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel. He has come right out and said "Things aren't getting better; they're getting worse. The White House is completely disconnected from reality. It's like they're just making it up as they go along. The reality is that we're losing in Iraq." It should be noted, however, that he's not terribly popular among his fellow Republicans since he had the balls to voice concerns about the war in the first place. Now it seems like he was downright prophetic.

Then there's Walter Jones, a congressman from North Carolina. Not only is he from a southern state, but his district includes a huge Marine Corps base, Camp LeJeune. He has introduced a bill to require the United States to begin withdrawing troops from here by October of 2006. "It's time now," Jones says, "to take a fresh look at where we are and where we are going."

Personally I think October of next year too long to wait, especially since my trial is expected to begin in just a few months. But while Jones may need to work on his timing, I won't quibble with his intent.

But Jones' opposition is more significant for another reason: He's the guy who, when France refused to join Bush in his Iraq folly, said that the term "french fries" should be changed to "freedom fries."

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Here's a bizarre story out of America involving the actor Nicholas Cage. Evidently some evil doer has hijacked his email address and has been using it to send sexually explicit messages to people. A spokesman for the actor wants to assure the general public that Cage is not some sort of pervert.

I understand exactly how Cage feels. I keep hearing rumors about some idiot who's writing a blog while pretending to be me.

I pick on the American President a lot. And I know I make some nasty remarks about his IQ. I feel bad about that; maybe I should pick on something a little larger.

So when it turns out that Bush has finally accomplished something concrete, well, let me be the first to congratulate him. In fact, here's some good news now: According to a new report from the CIA, Iraq is now a terrorist training ground. In fact, there's concern that it may even give rise to better trained terrorists than the 1980's war in Afghanistan, which of course produced Osama bin Laden!

According to the report, the current conflict is producing terrorists trained in making carbombs, carrying out assassinations, and even conducting highly coordinated assaults on targets such as police stations. And once the insurgency ends, these people are expected to disperse throughout the world to wreak havoc!

As you may recall, Bush tried to justify his attack on Iraq by saying that it was a haven for terrorists. Well, it took a while to turn into one, but it looks like he's finally right!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Central Infidel Agency director Porter Goss has an interview in this week's Time magazine in which he says he has a pretty good idea of where Osama bin Laden is hiding. The problem, according to him, is that with "sovereign states, you're dealing with a problem of our sense of international obligation, fair play. We have to find a way to work in a conventional world in unconventional ways that are acceptable to the international community"

At the risk of being a smartass, since when has anyone in the Bush administration cared about the sovereignty of other countries, and doing things in a manner acceptable to the international community?

Uh-oh.... I probably shouldn't have asked that. Now they're going to take away my Doritos..

Monday, June 20, 2005

GQ, which is a magazine intended for dapper infidels, has interviewed some of my former guards. It is an insightful look at my day-today life, and it also confirms my suspicions that they still haven't figured out that I sometimes crawl through the ceiling to the General's office and surf porn sites on the internet.... Oh, plus I occasionally update this site.

They describe me as being something of a "clean freak." What's that supposed to mean? Is there something wrong with taking pride in one's appearance, even when (more or less) confined to a jail cell?

They also say I like Raisin Bran for breakfast. So what? When you get to be my age, it's important to take extra steps to maintain the regularity of your bowel movements.

They also seem surprised that I was offering them marital advice. Well, why not? With as many wives as I've had--simultaneously--Allah knows I have plenty of matrimonial experience! And I have no problem with offering helpful suggestions to those who are still single. Besides, I have nothing against the youngsters who guard me. They're just doing their jobs. And I'm sure they'd rather be in here keeping an eye on me than out there in that craziness that has overtaken Iraq, which used to be such an oasis of peace and prosperity in the middle east.

Lately there has been a lot of criticism in the United States about the conditions at the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba. One Senator went as far as to compare the conditions there to Nazi prison camps.

This came on the heels of an Amnesty International report that likened the Guantanamo prison to the Soviet Gulags. The White House, not surprisingly, wasted no time condemning Amnesty International. Curiously, Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld had no problem with the group a couple of years when they cited Amnesty International reports about me in order to justify their invasion of my poor, defenseless nation.

So this next item ought to piss off a whole lot of people: The Pentagon has just announced that it will add room for 220 more detainees. Oh, and here's the best part: Do you know who got the $30 million contract to build this addition?


That's right. Dick Cheney's old outfit. If this doesn't send Bush's critics into an absolute tizzy, I don't know what will.

Friday, June 17, 2005

USAToday had an interesting article the other day about how blogging can get you fired. They even listed some specific cases, though they did neglect to mention yours truly.

One of my favorite examples was that of a (now former) flight attendant for Delta Airlines. She posted some pictures of herself posing across the seats inside the cabin of an airliner. Unfortunately she's fully clothed, but you can still tell she has a great ass.

The bottom line is that employess have to be careful what they write in their blogs. If you start talking about your co-workers, or take a picture of yourself peeing in the boss's coffee cup because he gave you a bad review, you're putting your job in jeopardy. Likewise, smart companies need to set guidlines so their employees know what the limits are.

This is no laughing matter, folks, and I speak from personal experience. I started writing Saddam's Cyber Palace in February of 2003. It seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, how many other despots do you know who are also bloggers?

Less than two months later, I was out of a job.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Oh man, am I exhausted! I've been laughing myself silly all afternoon.

But Saddam, how can you do that? You will soon be going on trial, and unless you succeed in moving the proceedings to southern California, you will likely be found guilty of crimes against humanity and executed! How the hell can you possibly anything funny under those circumstances!?!?!?!

Well, it's about Bush.

Oh, well, in that case it must be absolutely hilarious!!!!!

Oh, it is. The White House has released a statement. In it, Bush says that the upcoming presidential election in Iran "ignores the basic requirements of democracy."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Everytime I start thinking about that line, I laugh so hard I pee my pants!!!

First of all, it is an election. Isn't that what the United States keeps bitching about, that there should be more elections in the world? And when a previously autocratic government announces that it will, in fact, hold elections, America has the audacity to get picky about the particulars? Give me a break! They should be saying things like, "It's a good start," or "We applaud this move in the right direction," or "We're leaving Iraq now. Bye."

Secondly, what right does Bush have to be lecturing anyone about the "basic requirements of democracy?" Granted, I'm a dictator by vocation and don't have a whole lot of experience with elections, but I'm nonetheless familiar with the theoretical aspects of democracy. And unless I'm mistaken--and if I am, please let me know so I can track you down and yank out your fingernails for having the nerve to correct me--one of those theoretical aspects is that the guy with the most votes wins!

Um.... Has Bush forgotten what happened in 2000? I seem to remember Al Gore having more votes. The only reason Bush eventually got to move into the White House is because his own brother just happened to be governor of the very state that was in contention.

Nope. Nothing fishy about that.

And he won last year with 50.8% of the vote, and then called that a mandate?!?! If 50.8% is a frikkin' mandate, then what's a squeaker? 50.7999999%?

A dictatorship is so much simpler: One man, one rule.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

By now the whole stinkin' world is aware of the so-called "Downing Street Memo." That's the one the British government prepared in July of 2002--eight months before the unlawful invasion of my peace loving* nation--that said the "intelligence and facts were being fixed" by the United States in order to justify the upcoming war. This document only recently came to light, but there has been a surprising lack of outrage over it.

Then again, that may well be because everyone has been too busy following the Michael Jackson child molestation trial. Consequently, no one has had time to pay attention to something which might explain why tens of thousands of people have died unnecessarily.

Thank Allah the world has its priorities straight.

But now a second, possibly even more damaging document has come to light. This one is a briefing paper written for Blair--shortly before the Downing Street memo--that says the United States had done virtually no planning for the postwar occupation of Iraq, and warned that dangerous instability would plague the country once I was deposed.

This last article also quotes then Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz' testimony on Feb. 28, 2003, before the US Congress. He said that containment of Hussein the previous 12 years had cost "slightly over $30 billion," adding, "I can't imagine anyone here wanting to spend another $30 billion to be there for another 12 years." Wolfie was quoting these figures to further justify the upcoming invasion on an economic basis.

So how have those numbers withstood the test of time? Well, as of May, the Congressional Research Service estimated that Congress has approved $208 billion for the war in Iraq since 2003. Now I wasn't a math major in college, nor did I even minor in the subject. I was much too busy studying how to build non-existent weapons of mass destruction. But even with my limited knowledge of really big numbers, it seems to me that 208 billion over two and a half years is slightly larger than 30 billion over 12 years.

Remember all this the next time Rumsfeld says that no one could have foreseen the current insurgency.

*Except for the occasional invasion and plundering of a neighboring country.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

My upcoming trial has been receiving an increasing amount of attention. My lawyers, in an effort to make sure I receive I fair hearing, want to move the proceedings to a neutral location, such as Sweden.

F*ck that. The last thing I need is a "fair" trail. I'm not stupid, you know.

So forget Sweden, or Switzerland, or Austria. And screw Luxemburg and Leichenstein, too. Those last two countries are so damn small, they'd never be able to hold all the millions of my supporters that would be sure to turn out.

No.... My trial needs to be held some place where I can be assured of an acquittal. Some place where the seriousness of the charges doesn't matter, and the people are so incredibly stupid that will dismiss all the evidence against you. Gosh, where could I possibly find such a place....?

California, here I come!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Sorry I haven't blogged for the last several days, but I found this Paris Hilton hamburger commercial and have been busy watching it over & over & over & over & over.... It finally got to the point where I thought my wrist was going to fall off!

Anyway, what else has been happening in the world? Oh, here's a wonderful item about how more than half of the American public now believes that attacking me was a mistake!

Welcome to the club, folks!! I've been saying that for the last 27 months!! But did anyone bother tp listen to me when I was saying it? No, of course not!!! No one wants to listen to despots even when we do occasionally happen to right.

Not that I'm bitter....

Anyway, this poll also goes on to reveal that a majority of Americans believe that the Iraq war has NOT their country safer, two thirds think the US military is bogged down, and 75% feel the level of casualties is unacceptable.

Too bad the American didn't think of all that before November 2 of last year.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Sometimes the guards ask me, "Hey, Saddam, aren't you worried about your upcoming trial?" Then they throw water balloons at me.

And the sopping wet answer to that is that no, I'm not the least bit concerned. In fact, the prosecution's case is falling apart even as I write this! Originally they were going to try me on something like 500 counts, ranging from mass murder to torture to violations of human rights by the thousands to jaywalking.

But now the prosecution's case is down to only 12 counts, and the most serious of those is parking my tank at an expired meter. A little further legal maneuvering, and my team of lawyers should be able to get that dropped as well. Or, in a worst case scenario, I may end up having to do 15 hours of community service.

Meanwhile, we're preparing our own civil suit against the United States. I'm seeking 3.5 trillion dollars in pain and suffering.

Seriously, my neck hurts. The doctors tell me it's from stress brought on by having my good name disparaged.

Plus, my dick burns when I pee, but that may be from something else.

The White House is attempting to downplay the recent revelations about Koran abuse at Guantanamo Bay.

So what else is new? When Newsweek was forced to retract its story about the Muslim holy book getting flushed down a toilet, Bush officials made a big deal about explaining how such a thing could never happen. The United States had too much respect for Islam for such a thing to happen. But now that confirmed reports are starting to emerge, well, the alternative would be to come right out and admit that, golly by gosh, maybe Newsweek was right after all!

But that would mean admitting that Bush was wrong! And I think we all understand that no matter what new evidence may surface, or what photos may emerge, or what confirmed reports may turn up in the future, there's not a chance in hell that the White House will ever admit that it was wrong.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

More good news from the Guantanamo Bay prison: Even the US military now admits that the Koran was mishandled. One copy had urine splashed on it, a second one had a "two word obscenity" was written in English inside its cover, and another was deliberately kicked by a guard.

Ah, but the good news is that none were flushed down a toilet!

But the one that gets me is that several copies got wet while guards were throwing water balloons at the prisoners.

Water balloons!?!?!?!?

I'm quite proud of the many forms of torture that I have used on my people. Pulling fingernails out with pliers, attaching electrodes to nipples, hanging people from the ceiling by their testicles, cutting off limbs, etc. But I am ashamed to admit that I have never, ever, tried throwing water balloons at prisoners.

Those American guards are a truly sadistic bunch.

One of my favorite things to do when I surf the net is to look for stories about stupid criminals. You know the ones: Bank robbers who are asked for two forms of ID before being handed the money, then forget to take their drivers license back; or burglars who break into a house, then into the liquor cabinet, and end up drinking themselves into a drunken stupor; or world leaders who invade a foreign country without the foggiest notion of what to do once they take over. That sort of idiotic stuff.

With that in mind, here's a great article about missing weapons equipment here in Iraq. These are the same ones that the United Nations was keeping track of before the war. But once Bush launched his totally unwarranted assault against us, the UN people had to get the hell out of here for their own safety.

Since then, many items that could be used in the manufacture of chemical and biological weapons has disappeared. The UN has been able to verify that much through satellite photos and other methods. But as to what happened to the material, well, no one seems to know. Some of it has likely been melted down, or simply looted, or sold on eBay. But the point is that no one knows for sure.

What is so wildly amusing about this is that the whole reason Bush invaded was to keep this kind of technology from falling into the wrong hands.

This would seem to be an ideal time for me to point out yet another problem with democracy: Sometimes the people will elect a total numbskull!

But I won't.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

France had an integral part in setting up the European Union, and French President Jacques Chirac had invested his nation's international prestige in its creation. But then he made an incredibly stupid blunder: He allowed his citizens to vote on whether to accept the European Union's constitution!!! So what did they go and do? They rejected the proposed constitution!!!

Now let me say at this point that I love Jacques Chirac.... Er, I mean that in a "manly" sort of way, not a romantic one. In other words, I respect him as a leader and an opponent of the Iraq war, but I don't want to make a Paris Hilton style sex tape with him. Got that?

Anyway, my point is that as much as I love him (as a friend), the fact is he's stupid. What the hell was he thinking when he let the French people vote on it!?!?!

This whole fiasco points out one of the classic flaws in a free democracy: The people will go and vote whichever the hell way THEY want to, not the way YOU want them to. It just serves as a further example of why despotism is a far superior form of government.