In their latest effort to stem the insurgency, the puppet government of my country has announced plans to surround Baghdad with 40,000 soldiers and police. The idea, as I understand it, is to seal off the city so the bad guys can't get in.

Bad idea. Don't these idiots ever watch horror movies? Locking out the bad guy never works!!

It's like when you have a crazed killer terrorizing teenagers on a camping trip. Usually there's eight of them, most of whom are virgins, except for the blonde, who's a slut. So what do these kids do? They go lock themselves in a house, thinking that will keep them safe from the guy in the hockey mask. Unfortunately, it turns out that he's already INSIDE the house, and now the teenagers are REALLY in trouble!!

Last week when Newsweek screwed up and ran the item about the Koran being run through a blender to make margaritas, or whatever the particulars were, the White House was all over them like stink on camel crap. A Bush spokesman called the story irresponsible, especially since people died in the resulting riots. So obviously the White House has pretty high standards for others. And by extension, these high standards would also apply to its own people as well, right?

No, of course not, you silly infidel! We're talking about the Bush White House, where hypocrisy rules!

In fact, you remember the thing with the aluminum tubes from before the war? The ones that I was going to use to develop nuclear bombs and blow up the world? The ones that were used as one of the primary excuses for invading my peace (usually, at least, unless we were busy invading a neighboring country) loving nation? The ones that actually turned out to be for rockets, which were legal for me to have?

Yes, those aluminum tubes!

What do you suppose happened to the intelligence analysts responsible for that particular screw up? Were they fired? Executed? Demonized for the death and destruction they caused? Billed for the hundreds of billions of dollars in damages that resulted from their incompetence? Assigned to study migratory walrus routes in Alaska?

If you guessed any of the above, you would be wrong, dear readers. But if you guessed that they have been honored with job performance awards, well, you'd be right.

The United States military is closing many of its bases. Not here, unfortunately, but back in the United States. Apparently this war is costing Rumsfeld far more than he anticipated, and he needs to sell off excess real estate to pay for it.

At almost 5000 acres, one of the largest facilities slated for closure is Ellsworth Air Force Base in South Dakota. This is a major deterrent located deep in the American heartland, and its loss would leave the state defenseless. Needless to say, North Dakota is eagerly awaiting further news of the base's closing, for it has long wanted to annex its southern neighbor.... Kind of like me and Kuwait.

Remember the Koran story from Newsweek a couple of weeks ago? Remember how much crap they caught when they apologized? Remember in particular how hard the Bush White House condemned them for making up such an irresponsible story? Well, it seems that Newsweek has been vindicated.

The fresh allegations come NOT from the magazine this time, or from any other news organization that Bush can call liars. No, this time the source is the FBI itself!!!!

That's right. The freakin' FBI!!! Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? It seems that some left wing terrorist organization calling itself the ACLU sued the agency to gain possession of some secret documents. They are transcripts of interviews with detainees, who claim that not only was the Koran flushed down a toilet, it was also kicked, stomped on, and thrown to the floor. Detainees were also mocked as they prayed.

This news should be good for a few more riots!

Another rumor has surfaced that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is wounded. This one, however, comes directly from his organization, Iraq Qaida or whatever the hell they call themselves.

Well, good. I hope he dies.

What? You're surprised I feel that way? Well, you shouldn't be. While I appreciate his hard work in trying to convince the Americans to go home, the fact is that he has failed so far.

Even more importantly, I have to question his motives. If he's in the business solely for the purpose of returning me to power, hey, I would love him like the son I never had. Um, actually, now that I think about it, I used to have a couple, didn't I?

Whatever.

The more I have watched Zarqawi in action, the more convinced I have become that he really doesn't give a camel's ass about me. His campaign to drive America out of the middle east is all about him. He wants to create an Islamic theocracy in Iraq.... As opposed to the Christian theocracy taking shape in the United States under the Republicans.

But here's what REALLY gets me: Do you have any idea how many Iraqis he's killed? Thousands upon thousands. Every time one of them car bombs goes off, it's mostly my citizens he's killing, not those pesky invaders! That imbecile is targeting the wrong damn people!! What a freakin' moron!!

And quite frankly, that makes me jealous as hell. I'm the only one who should be allowed to kill Iraqis!

Laura Bush is currently touring the middle east on a mission "to repair" America's image.

I hope she brought a lot of duct tape.

First off, let me welcome all of you who found me through various search engines by typing in "Saddam in his underwear" or some such term. Do your parents know what you little demons are doing on the computer? At any rate, I am genuinely flattered that you're so interested in checking out my, er, "package." Let me assure you that normally it is far more impressive, except that I had just taken a cold shower. And I don't think I need to explain how quickly cold water can turn an impressive ten foot one-eyed trouser cobra into a tiny two inch worm.

You're probably wondering where those photos came from. Well, remember last weekend when Condoleezza Rice paid that surprise visit to Baghdad? Officially she was in town to meet with the troops and boost their morale, as well as meeting with members of the new Iraqi government and asking if they prefer pine coffins or oak.

Unofficially, however, she came to meet with me and discuss terms of surrender. I told her there was nothing to discuss. I would accept nothing less than an unconditional surrender from Bush and Rumsfeld.

At that point I had to cut the meeting short. Rice was wearing that Darth Vader hooker outfit of hers, and the blood was rushing from my head to my head, if you catch my drift.

So I hit the shower for some relief and ended up, um, "servicing myself" while in there. By the time I finished and came out to get dressed, I figured she had left. Then the next thing I know, I start seeing these damn flashes. I look up, and there's the American Secretary of State with one of those little disposable cameras snapping pictures of me in my underwear!!! And I think all of you know how humiliating that can be!

But after thinking about it, I decided it was nothing to worry about. In fact, I kept assuming various poses for her. I figured that like most women, she just needed those photos to keep her company through those long lonely nights in foreign hotel rooms. No harm in that, right? Then the next thing I know, the damn pictures are on the front pages of The Sun and the New York Post!!

Now I know how Paris Hilton felt.

Well, it wasn't easy, but I was finally able to sneak out of here and catch a matinee of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: A Preponderance of Colons. And it had to be a matinee, of course. Since the Americans have taken most of my looted money--er, I mean my, um, "privatized retirement funds"--I can't afford to be shelling out extra dough for an evening showing.

My little outing almost met with disaster, however. While I was standing in line to buy my bucket of outrageously overpriced popcorn with extra butter, and a small diet coke, a suicide bomber walked into the lobby!! Blew up the guy who tears the tickets in two. But I think he was a Kurd, so who cares.

Then there was a brief disruption just as the goody-goody Jedi Knights start getting bumped off. Someone's cellphone rang! Can you believe that crap? In a movie theater, in the middle of one of the most important scenes of one of the most heavily anticipated movies in 25 years, some idiot decides to start yakking about goat futures or something. Needless to say, I had to go strangle the moron with my bare hands. He turned out to be a Shiite, so I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Then the predominantly Sunni audience broke into applause.

Anakin (Hayden Christensen, who can't act worth crap) battles the sissy Obi-Wan (Ewan
McGregor)in a noble attempt to make the galaxy safe for tyranny and despotism

Let me start off my review by saying that Lucas has redeemed himself.... Mostly. But more on my sole complaint later.

Sith starts off gangbusters from the very beginning with a wild chase scene as Anakin and Obi-Wan race to save Senator Palpatine. At his point I'm thinking, what's the point? He's a senator! That's one of them democracy things! But Palpatine soon shows his true colors as he begins to lure the young Skywalker over to the dark side. And as the movie progresses further, you begin to see how horribly evil that man is. Needless to say, he's my favorite character!

Things do slow down briefly while Luke and his true love, Padme, have a couple of gooey kissy-face scenes. But things quickly pick up again when Skywalker slaughters a roomful of children and completes his seduction by the dark side. And in the end, evil triumphs over good, so it has a happy ending. It was all very moving.

The film naturally has a lot of special effects, and is still much more dependent on computer generated characters than the original trilogy. On the other hand, the balance between live actors and the CGI ones is much better than in Episodes I & II.

There was a final confrontation between Anakin and Padme, but I'm not sure exactly what was said. There was a brief commotion in the back of the theater with some yelling and a couple of volleys of gunshots. Turned out it was a group of insurgents kidnapping a government minister who was in the audience. But since the distraction was for a good cause, I decided not to get involved.

The movie's most powerful scene actually occurs at the very end as Obi-Wan hands the infant Luke to the child's Aunt Baru and Uncle Owen. Between the music and the setting, it suddenly hits you that the entire Star Wars saga has come full circle. I don't mind saying that I began bawling at that point. I even turned to the American soldier sitting next to me and blew my nose on his kevlar flack jacket. Fortunately he didn't recognize me since his own eyes were welling up with tears.

And to think that a few days ago I mocked Steve Spielberg for crying when he saw the movie.... I probably should apologize to him for that, but he's a Jew, so forget it.

There has also been some talk about whether Lucas was trying to make some sort of political statement about Bush and the Iraq war. Specifically, Anakin says to Obi-Wan, "If you're not with me, you're my enemy." Some conservative nutcases view that as a snide reference to Bush's own "If you're not with us, you're against us" remark. Lucas insists, however, that the movie was written will before the invasion of my peace loving nation.

Besides, much of what happens in this movie has been preordained for the last 28 years, ever since the orginal came out

At the beginning I mentioned that I had only one complaint about Sith. It actually came to me as Obi-Wan was cradling the newly born Luke Skywalker in his arms. I realized at that very moment that this expressionless baby, who was just lying there, helplessly flailing his arms, totally without emotion, and unable to show even the most rudimentary communication skills, was a far better actor than Hayden Christensen.

You'd think that with all those fancy computer generated special effects, Lucas could have given Anaken an occasional facial expression or two.

What's today? May 19 already? Well, I guess that means summer is coming. Have you ever spent a summer in Baghdad? It gets pretty damn hot around here. The temperatures probably approach those of hell itself, which means the people around here really really really REALLY love their air conditioning.... IF there is electricity, that is.

Here's an interesting fact: Prior to the war, Our country's electrical output was averaaging about 4400 megawatts a day. Not quite enough to meet full demand, but still sufficient to meet our basic needs.

Since the occupation began in 2003, the Americans have sunk over a billion dollars and two years of work into Iraq's electrical grid. So what do you think the daily electrical output is after all that work? At least 6000 megawatts? Maybe 7000 or even 8000?

Nope.

Try 4000-4200 megawatts.

That's right: The electricty supply is even tighter now than it was prior to the Americans taking over. Pretty impressive, eh? And people are going to be royally pissed when the thermometer hits 48 degrees celsius and they switch on the A/C only to get a big fat stinkin' load of squat. I may not have a lot of experience trying to win the hearts and minds of people, but I'm fairly certain that's not the way to do it.

Sure, things were in sorry shape when I ran the place. But wasn't all that supposed to be corrected once I was out of the way? Wasn't my removal supposed to improve the daily lives of the Iraqi people? This is going to be the third summer since the so-called liberation of Iraq, and the people are even worse off!?!?

The people of North Korea better pray Bush doesn't liberate them.

Seven months before the unlawful and highly irregular invasion of the peaceful paradise known as Iraq, British intelligence warned Tony Blair that Bush was hellbent on forcing me from power. The report to the Prime Minister warned that the case was thin, and that American intellegence was "being fixed" around the idea that military action was necessary. It goes on to say that "Saddam was not threatening his neighbours and his WMD capability was less than that of Libya, North Korea or Iran."

In other words, Bush lied and he knows he lied. And not only did Blair know up front that it was all a lie, he willingly went along for the ride!!

So could someone please explain why I'm the one sitting in a jail cell?

I never thought I would be forced into such a situation, but here goes: I apologize.

I realize that many of you stinkin' infidels have come to rely on me as your major source of unbiased, factual news and intelligent, insightful commentary. I take this responsibility very, very seriously, and that is why you have come to trust that if I say something, well by gosh, it must be true. You can trust me when I say I would never, ever make anything up, or seek to intentionally mislead you.

Unfortunately, I am currently in a situation in which I find it difficult if not impossible to independently verify facts. That is why I often rely on outside, supposedly respected new organizations. Occasionally, however, the system breaks down.

The other day I posted an entry about how interrogators at the Guantanamo Bay prison flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet. This was reported as fact by Newsweek magazine. This story touched off several days of rioting in a number of Muslim countries and even led to 16 deaths among protesters in Afghanistan. Personally I don't see what the big deal is about 16 deaths, but some people get upset over that sort of thing. Then again, I used to wipe out entire villages at a time, so perhaps I'm just used to quantity discounts.

Yesterday Newsweek admitted that it was unable to verify they item, and they have now officially retracted the story.

Excuse me? How the hell do you make a mistake like that!?!?! That's almost as stupid as invading a sovereign nation on the basis of bad intelligence!!

The people at Newsweek are promising that "heads will roll."

What a colossal load of camel crap!!!! Don't believe them when they say that!! Sure, people may be reprimanded, and someone may even be fired. But it's a safe bet that you're not going to see any actual heads rolling across the newsroom floor. And that is precisely why the American press can't be trusted: They are never executed for their mistakes. They resign, then go on to make millions by writing a book on how they screwed up! That is why when my Ministry of Information said something, you could sure as hell accept it as being true.

Oh, and I continue to stick by my account of what happened to that Harry Potter book.

I'm sorry, but I just had to laugh at this: Over a dozen people have died in Afghanistan in anti-American demonstrations. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Is that gratitude for you, or what? The Americans saved them from the Taliban, and now they're protesting it!!! Kind of reminds me of the Shiites who want the Americans to leave, so I can return to power, and gas their villages again!

The present problem in Afghanistan--and the protests are spreading into the middle east--stems from allegations that Americans interrogating prisoners at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet. That's just too funny!!!! Did these morons have an idea of the uproar that would result once word of their actions got out!?! That's quite possibly even dumber than stripping Muslim men naked, making them pose with women soldiers, and then taking pictures of it!

The other question this raises is, what the hell kind of toilet were these guys using? I mean, do you have any idea how thick the Koran is? How can you flush one of those down the john with clogging it and getting water all over the floor?

Hmmmm.... Must've been one of those special Haliburton toilets.

Anyway, you just don't f*ck with sacred books, regardless of the religion or cultures that may be offended. It will eventually get you into serious trouble.

I remember back in early 2003 I was taking a dump in one of my palaces. I suddenly realized there was no toilet paper! Well, being the resourceful despot that I am, I decided to tear pages out of the reading material I keep in the bathroom. Pretty clever, eh? Unfortunately, word quickly got out that I had used a Harry Potter book to wipe my hairy ass, and less than a week later infidel tanks were rolling towards Baghdad.

The moment of truth arrives next Thursday: Has Lucas screwed up yet another Star Wars movie, or will this one live up to the glory of the first three? Advance word on the film has certainly been promising. In fact, I have heard that Steve Spielberg actually wept like a baby when he saw a screening of the film.

Personally, I have no plans to behave like a damn sissy. I am too much of a man to cry at movies.... Unless I'm on a date, of course, and think it might impress the chick enough to get me laid.

Well, okay, there have been a couple of exceptions. I did weep like a baby at Terms of Endearment, but give me a break on that one. Debra Winger ends up with cancer, for crying out loud!! I had to go out and gas some Kurds to regain my composure afterwards.

The other film that moved me was the third installment of Matrix. It's not that I found the plot all that moving or anything; it's just that I couldn't believe I wasted my money on that piece of crap.

But I digress....

I am still trying to devise a way to sneak out of here for a few hours and get to a theater to see Revenge of the Sith. Of course, I'll have to be careful on several levels: First, obviously I don't want to get caught. If that happens, the guards may cut off my conjugal visits from the Dixie Chicks. Second and most importantly, I certainly don't want to end up in a theater targeted for wholesale destruction by the insurgents. That would be REALLY embarrassing!

However, I suppose getting blown up wouldn't be quite as bad as, say, waiting in line at the wrong theater!! Did you hear about these guys in Los Angeles? They began lining up a month ago to see the new Star Wars, and turns out they were at the wrong theater!!

You gotta be careful. Bad intelligence will get you in trouble every time!

The United States military is having an increasingly difficult time meeting its recruitment quotas. In an effort to get more people to sign up, it has been offering bonuses of $20,000 and is considering going even higher.

Coincidentally, I hear that Al Qaeda has also been having a hard time finding new militants. Word is that Osama may increase the current bonus of 72 virgins for martyrs to as many as 88.

Is nothing sacred in this crazy, mixed-up world of ours? It turns out that Firefox, the web browser which is supposed to be so great, has some critical flaws in it that can allow hackers to seize control of your computer. So much for it being so much better than Windows!

Part of the problem is that as Firefox has become increasingly popular--something like 14% of computer users now rely on it as their primary browser--so has its attraction to hackers. After all, when only 5% of the people were using it, what was the point of wasting your time writing code to exploit it? But now that its share has become a much more significant number, well, suddenly it's more attractive to the bad guys out here in cyberspace.

It's kind of like international relations. Let's say you're, for example, a country like Sudan and you have virtually no oil. Do you think anyone in the world is going to give a camel's behind if you go around slaughtering the people of Darfur by the thousands? No, of course not! Kill away!

But if you're a country like, say, Iraq, and you're sitting on a quarter of the world's petroleum reserves, people are going to watch your every move and look for the silliest damn excuses to invade.

Okay, that's it. I have put up with a lot of crap since Bush invaded my peace loving nation. Insults. Jokes. Naked human pyramids. Snide remarks behind my back. The systematic dismantling of my once vast porn collection. Infidels sitting on the gold plated toilet seats in my palaces. And through it all I have maintained my dignity, self-respect, and polite manners. But there comes a point in every man's life when he must look at the indignities heaped upon him and declare: "Enough!!!"

I demand to speak to someone in charge.

What has me so frikkin' incensed are these reports that the American occupiers no longer consider my "Hussein loyalists" as a significant threat!!!! They have instead decided that foreign fighters pouring into Iraq from other countries are the greater danger.

I have never been so insulted in my life!

Congratulations to British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who won reelection by a VERY narrow margin. I'm sure he continues to believe his actions in trying to bring democracy to Iraq will be vindicated.

In fact, let's take a look how at well this democracy thing is working out, shall we?

Let's see.... The new government of Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari was sworn in April 28, a mere ten days ago. Since then, 290 Iraqi civilians have been killed in assorted attacks by insurgents.

Jeez.... At this rate, there won't be anyone left alive to vote in the NEXT election!

That works out to an average of 29 deaths per day. Now I don't have the exact figures available at the moment, but I'm guessing that the rate of executions during my regime, averaged out over the course of 34 years, was somewhat lower than that. Granted, there were days where I gassed a couple of villages at a time, and that would cause a temporary spike in the numbers. But then there were also times where I killed fewer than 29 people during a given 24 hour period, and that would tend to bring the average back down to a perfectly reasonable level of, say, 26.4 people per day. These numbers assume, of course, that you're not counting Kurds or Shiites.

So clearly the people of Iraq were better off with me than without me!!

For the last two years now I have been warning the world about what I would do if Lucas screws up the last Star Wars movie. I don't want to get into specifics, but let's just say it involved the removal of toenails and testicles.

Well, it would appear that word of my threats has gotten back to Lucas and he has taken my words to heart.

The stinkin' infidel movie director Kevin "Silent Bob" Smith has seen an advance screening of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and has proclaimed it to be "f*cking awesome." I should warn you, however, that if you read his review, Smith gives away quite a few spoilers about the movie.

Unfortunately he failed to begin his post with a disclaimer about the spoilers, and for his insolence I shall be forced to remove his toenails and testicles.

The infidel Steve H. at Hog on Ice has weighed in the movie as well. However, he is basing his opinions on a series of clips without having seen the entire film. This is not surprising, since Steve H. is a rabid Republican. Everyone knows Republicans are famous for jumping to conclusions without having all the facts in.

Previous Lucas/Star Wars related posts:

August 21, 2003----July 26, 2004----August 12, 2004

Have I shown you people the label in my underwear yet? No?

Well, you're in for a special treat!

A reader calling himself Tigger asks: "How do you feel about Condoleezza Rice's comments on Kim Jong Il's weapon projects: 'the United States is able to defend itself and its allies against nuclear and missile threats', as compared to the extreme threat USA saw You being?"

That is an excellent question, Mr. Tigger. Making such an inquiry of me demonstrates that you are obviously very familiar with the current geopolitical landscape of the world, as well as the finer nuances of the various dangers to global peace that confront mankind today. That said, I have nonetheless taken the liberty to slightly re-edit your question to make it easier for me to answer in a logical and coherent fashion: "Dear Saddam: What's happening, dude? So, like, what do you think of this Jennifer Wilbanks? She's the infidel chick in Georgia who was supposed to get married. but rather than walk down the aisle, she decided to disappear, thereby causing authorities to launch a massive search for her."

Thank you asking for my opinion, Mr. Tigger. Let me first say that Ms. Wilbanks is an obvious amateur. She turned up after what? Four days? Hell, I eluded the entire frikkin' American army for nine months!!!! And the only reason they finally found me is that I forgot to tip the pizza deliveryman, and he turned me in.

Needless to say, I will always carry extra cash for tipping from now on.

But back to the Wilbanks matter.... How many guests was she supposed to have at the wedding? 600? 600 people is not a wedding; it's a Springsteen concert. No wonder she was overwhelmed by her impending nuptials! Add to that 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen, caterers, a band, and pretty soon you've got the population of a small country.

Let's face it: This wedding was not for the benefit of Ms. Wilbanks and her infidel husband-to-be. It was actually for the parents, who probably didn't give a camel's ass what kind of wedding their kids wanted. They just wanted to impress everyone with their wealth.

I mean, who even has 600 friends? I'm a world famous despot, and even I don't have 600 friends!! 600 enemies, yes, but not friends.... Well, actually, it's probably more like 600 thousand enemies, but who's counting?

If her fiance truly loves her, he should say to her, "Jennifer, my love, forget the wedding. Forget what our stupid parents want. Forget the mob scene. Forget all that silly crap. Our wedding should be about us, and us alone. So let's just elope. Just the two of us, sharing our love as we begin a lifetime of commitment to one another. And for God's sakes, never everlook at me directly again. Those eyeballs of yours give me the creeps."

Not surprisingly, PFC Lynndie England has pleaded guilty for her role in Abu Ghraib prison torture scandal. While she has not been sentenced yet, most observers think that her willingness to admit that she was wrong, the fact that she's now a mother, and a general consensus that she's dumb as a rock will lead the court to give her a light sentence. In fact, she may end up serving only a few years in prison, followed by several hundred hours of community service working on a chicken farm.

Perhaps in a different world, in a different time, and in a different reality, I might actually feel sorry for British Prime Minister Tony "Bush Lap Dog" Blair. But we're in THIS world, during the PRESENT time, and in, er, um, THIS reality.

Blair has been locked in a particularly rough reelection campaign which has been turning personal. At appearances audience members have called him "fraudulent," "grossly negligent," and accused him of lying. Now if something like that ever happened at one of my campaign rallies, I'd have shot everyone in the damn audience. Blair, however, is stuck running a democracy, so he can't very well do that without risking adverse publicity.

Still, it seems likely he will win, which is unfortunate. As with Bush, he will use that as proof that the public supports his boneheaded decision to invade Iraq.

Once again investigators in Iraq are making a big fuss over a mass grave in southern Iraq that may contain the bodies of as many as 1500 Kurds. Most of the victims appear to have been women and children.

Yeah, so what? They're dead Kurds, for crying out loud!!! Who cares about dead Kurds!?!?! People in the west need to get over that silly belief that all human life is equally valuable. We're talking about Kurds! There's nothing equal about them. What's that old saying? "The only good Kurd is a dead Kurd." There's a reason Kurd rhymes with turd: They both need to be flushed.

Granted, I'm the one who invented that saying, but does that make it any less true? No, of course not! A truth is a truth is a truth, regardless of who says it.

Why are they digging around for old bodies anyway? Shouldn't they be looking for my weapons of mass destruction? Wasn't that the original justification for the invasion? In fact, this war wasn't supposed to be about finding dead bodies, but about tracking down the WMD's Hans Blix couldn't find! Try to stay focused on the task at hand, people!

Oh, right. It's already been proven that I haven't had any WMD's for almost 15 years.