Friday, October 31, 2003

Happy Halloween!!

Oh, you didn't know we celebrate Halloween here in Iraq? Well, congratulations on broadening your narrow little minds today! And you thought this site was a worthless waste of time....

The kids dress up in terrifying costumes such as ghosts, goblins, witches, and US Army Rangers. Then they go out trick-or-treating, collecting bagfuls of candy and munitions.

Then afterwards, the families gather around the fireplace, which is kind of stupid since it's still 87 degrees at night, and tell scary stories.

My personal favorite from when I was growing up was the one about the legend of the Camelman. He was supposedly a half-man, half-camel psycho killer who would prey on young lovers parked in the desert.

Some say his ghost still appears on Halloween and wanders the streets of Fallujah looking for his head.

If you go by Bush's definition of success, the New York Yankees won the World Series in four games!

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

I've been noticing some disturbing irregularities in my bank statements over the last several months, and it has nothing to do with Mugubu Otunga of Cameroon who keeps asking for my account numbers in order to expedite some "immediate business opportunity."

No, my missing money is being stolen by.... AMERICANS!!!! They have been using seized Iraqi assets and my own personal petty cash stockpiles stuffed into the walls of my palaces to pay for such worthless things as hospital supplies, humanitarian needs, road repairs, and bringing power plants back on line! How outrageous is that?!?! The Americans have been doing this in order to circumvent their own bureaucratic hurdles.

Need I point out yet AGAIN that my roads did not have potholes until a certain unnamed world superpower started dropping 1,000 pound bombs on them? So why in Allah's name am I the one getting billed for the damage? Needless to say, I am so outraged that I'm sputtering, and now I have spit all over the inside of my windshield.

You can bet your sweet bippy that I'm keeping track of every last penny that has been stolen from me. And when the time comes, I'll expect Misters Bush and Rumsfeld to sit down with my accountants from Arthur Andersen and work out a repayment plan.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Remember Bush's speech from the deck of that aircraft carrier? Remember the "Mission Accomplished" banner? Well, now the President is saying it wasn't his idea.

Yeah, right. American leaders seem to have an awful lot of problems mastering the English language. Bush can't seem to define the word "accomplished," and the guy before him didn't know what the definition of the word "is" is.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Remember Lt. Smash, who was over here a few months ago looking for me? Some 125,000 of his closest buddies are still doing so. Unsuccessfully, I should add.

Anyway, Lt. Smash--or is it MR. Smash now?--lives near San Diego. He is providing some riveting accounts of the fires plaguing that area. Those fires, incidentally, are fueled by the dreaded Santana Winds.

See, that's the nice thing about living in a desert. There's nothing here that'll burn. Well, aside from the occasional Humvee or Bradley fighting vehicle, I mean.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Well, the New York Yankees shouldn't feel too bad about losing the World Series. After all, they're not the first superpower to embarass themselves this year.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Tens of thousands of my beloved supporters are demonstrating in Saddam City, DC--er, I mean WASHINGTON, DC (for a while longer, anyway)--on my behalf. Such open shows of devotion always warm the cockles of my heart!! Or maybe I'm just feeling that pastrami sandwich I had earlier....

And while I may not be entirely sure exactly what a "cockle" is, I am quite certain that mine is bigger than any other man's.

Anyway, I had hoped to get to America and address the crowds, but things didn't quite work out. I did have a ticket on Ghetto Dilta Airlines all the way to JFK in New York, and then I was going to take a cab to LaGuardia and catch the USAir Shuttle to DC. Then on the way back I was going to try and sneak into Yankee stadium for tonight's game.

But all my well-laid plans were for naught when I ran into a slight snag at Saddam International Airport. It seems my titanium alloy penile implant kept setting off the metal detector!

Hopefully my supporters can take comfort in the fact that I am with them in spirit, if not in body.

And my friends call ME paranoid!!!

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

The Florida Marlins won last night and are now one game from beating the evil New York Yankees. Consequently, I've been wearing my "ABTFNYY" hat all day.

But the other big news item of the day is that a US Senate Committee has concluded that the case against me was "overstated."

Well.... DUH!!!

Most of the problem seems to center on a 100 page "National Intelligence Estimate" that was put together in October of last year. This NIE consisted of reports from assorted intelligence agencies regarding the threats posed by my humble little country, not only at that time but during an actual war and subsequent occupation. The problem is that these NIE things usually take up to a year to properly assemb; this one was thrown together in three weeks.

So the question now becomes: Was this report simply a failure of the intelligence community, or was it deliberately tailored to fit the White House's expectations?

This whole situation kind of reminds me of a Roadrunner cartoon. Naturally, I'm the Roadrunner, always evading the various traps laid out for me.

And the White House and Pentagon are the coyote. Every little plan to catch me keeps blowing up in their faces.

But that's what happens when the Acme corporation supplies your intelligence information.

Oh.... And in case you're wondering what the "ABTFNYY" on my hat stands for: Anyone But The New York Yankees.

Friday, October 24, 2003

People sometimes ask if I'm a baseball fan. "Why do you ask?" I always answer as I pistol whip them into a semi-comatose state. "Are you with the CIA?!?!"

Still, I suppose it is a legitimate question in light of all the recent attention on the world series. And the short answer would have to be "No." The game, as it stands now, is just too boring. Plant land mines in the outfield and equip the dugouts with machine guns, and that should liven things up.

Still, I must confess that I did caught up in the Chicago Cubs hoopla during the last couple of weeks. For deep psychological reasons that I really can't explain, I tend to identify with the underdog in any conflict.

And I suppose that's also why I so despise the New York Yankees. I have always hated big superpowers that go around beating up on helpless smaller countries.... Er, I mean, baseball teams. So for that reason, and that reason alone, I'm rooting for the Marlins in tonight's game 5.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

President Bush, forced to flee the United States by his declining poll numbers, decided to address the Australian Parliament. However, some members ended up heckling him.

Democracy can be so dignified at times!

It seems that the United States government is springing more leaks than the Titanic ever did!!!

The latest furor is over a memo Rumsfeld wrote to some of his top brass. And unlike the rosy picture he keeps trying to paint to the press, this memo says that the US is in for a "long, hard slog in Iraq and Afghanistan." Needless to say, this document was not supposed to become public, and the Rum Man is quite furious that it was divulged.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. You see, apparently this is a "bad" leak for the Bush Administration, whereas the other leak--about the CIA agent--was a "good" leak. Any bets on which leak's source gets found first?

This is what happens when your ship of state hits an iceberg named Iraq!

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

There are few things I enjoy more in life than a good Bush-bashing cartoon. That's why the future position of Minister of Cartoons is, quite frankly, a toss-up between Gary Trudeau and Aaron McGruder.

For those of you not familiar with Aaron's work on my behalf, he draws the comic strip "Boondocks." I am a faithful reader of his daily contributions to anti-Americanism, and quite frankly, there are times I am amazed by the size of his cahones.

And last week, Aaron had them on full display as he went after Condoleeza Rice. Unfortunately, the Washington Post decided decided to censor his work and did not run the six installment series. Quite frankly, I was surprised to read of this since the very liberal Post is usually in the forefront of Bush-bashing.

As a public service to my vast readership, I have compiled the strips in question into a single location and you may view them here.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

In what I can only assume is a sign of a growing rift between the US military and that country's civilian government, the United States navy has defeated National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice.

I didn't even know they were fighting!!

Monday, October 20, 2003

As it turns out, the troubles now plaguing the illegal occupiers of my homeland should NOT have come as a surprise to anyone! The United States State Department had spent a year and $5 million preparing a report that predicted uncontrolled looting, problems restoring electricity, and strong resistance to the occupation. Rumsfeld and the rest of the brass at the Pentagon poo-pooed the idea, however, and instead predicted unbridled joy and jubilation among my sheep, er, "people" at their liberation.

How many times do I have to explain this: Democracy will not work in Iraq (actually, Democracy is a failed concept; I shall address this point later). If presented with freedom, they will immediately begin stealing anything that's not nailed down, as well as killing one another. They need a brutal dictator to keep their passions in check.

And the Iraqi people understand this. They may bitch & moan, but deep down, they appreciate my brutal control of their lives. It's much simpler to go about one's daily routines when someone else dictates what that routine will be.

And now they miss me.

I just hope you Americans are pleased with yourselves.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

Yeah, that Bush is a shrewd fellow. Can't get anything past him.... Unless, of course, you work in the White House and illegally give out the names of CIA agents.

----------Danziger, Tribune Media Services

Bush and Powell are claiming major success in the United Nations, but why? No one else is sending troops to reinforce the Americans, and there is vast disagreement over what kind of financial aid should be offered. So then what, exactly, is the victory?

Even worse, the New York Yankees are in the World Series AGAIN!!! What is this, their 108th appearance since 1881? Does anyone think that there's a single person outside of New York who gives a pile of camel dung that the Yankees are in it? I seriously doubt it.

Now if it had been the Cubs and the Red Sox, then that's something the rest of the world would have been interested in. Of course, the chances of such a matchup ever happening are about the same as the chances of a successful democratic society taking root in Iraq.

When I take over the United States, I shall ban the Yankees from all future World Series for the next 50 years.

Give someone else a chance to play, for crying out loud!

Friday, October 17, 2003

Have you heard what singer Alanis Morrisette did in Peru the other day? She ended her first concert ever in Lima by yelling, "Thank you Brazil!!" Very sloppy work, and to think I was going to make her my Minister of Irony!!

Need I point out that the Dixie Chicks would never, ever have made the mistake of saying something stupid in front of a concert audience?

One of my bodyguards, concerned for my safety, has suggested I should "tone down" my personality and be somewhat more iinconspicuous. Specifically, he's worried because whenever I arrive in a new town to hide, I blast Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" through the giant speakers I have mounted on the roof of my '73 Vega.

I was touched beyond words by his very legitimate concern for my personal security. It was obviously a matter he had given a lot of consideration to. I thanked him profusely for his hard work, and his devotion to my well being.

Then I shot the insolent bastard.


Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Here's a news item about Shiite factions shooting at one another in Karbala. And the American's response is that they may have to intervene soon!

I just don't get it.... When the Shiites kill one another, no one really seems to give a flying load of crap in a sandstorm about it.

But when I kill Shiites, I end up being condemned by the international community of nations!!!

Either way you've got a pile of dead Shiites, right? So what the hell's the difference how they got that way?

I love this time of year. All the new TV shows are starting their new seasons after a summer filled with nothing but reruns. For example, tonight is the season premier of one of my favorites, CSI: Baghdad.

I love it when they use special effects to reenact crimes.

So yesterday the American military was saying they had "credible evidence" that I was in Tikrit. But now, only a day later, they are denying the existence of any such evidence and are basically admitting they don't have a clue as to my true whereabouts! Well, wherever I am, I'm sure that $87 billion is being well spent.

Curious though, how none of these reports ever mentions a '73 Vega....

----------Jack Ohman, Portland Oregonian

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Earlier I went into a 7-11 and bought a pack of cigarettes (Yes, I smoke. I had actually quit a few years ago at the urging of my now ex-wife Jennifer Lopez. But until then, I used to smoke like a burning oil field. Recent stressful events in my life, however, have driven me back to it). So the clerk gives me my change, but it's obviously counterfeit!! So I said "HEY!! What's with the fake Dinars?" And the little weasel explains that's what the NEW Dinars are like: No more pictures of "that Saddam guy" on them."

Then I realized all the other customers, including a squad of American GI's who were buying camel jerky, were staring at me, so I put the clerk back down and released my grip on his throat. I'm still trying to get the hang of this being a woman thing, and lifting people off the ground with one arm, slicing their throats open, and ripping their insolent tongues out is apparently considered unladylike around here.

Oh, and in case you're wondering what brand I smoke.... Camels, of course.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Did you happen to catch that Red Sox/Yankees game yesterday? Now I'm not much of a baseball fan, you understand, but I am forcing myself to watch it so that I may better understand the people I will soon be ruling. But quite frankly, it is an extremely boring game. As the great infidel funny man Robin Williams once put it, "Baseball is five minutes of excitement crammed into three hours."

There was a brief burst of excitement--and hope--when the Red Sox ganged up on a 72 year old man, but it only lasted a moment. Still, it gave me a great idea for improving the overall pace of baseball games.

Equip the dugouts with rocket propelled grenade launchers, mortars, heavy artillery, and assorted WMD's. That ought to liven things up a bit!

Oh, wait.... I just remembered something.... I DON'T HAVE ANY WMD'S!!!!

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Here's a wonderful article about the San Francisco/Oakland/Berkeley area and how depressed they are over the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is painfully obvious that these poor lost souls are eagerly awaiting my arrival, and their soon-to-follow liberation from the yoke of oppressive democracy.

They just don't know it yet.

Saturday, October 11, 2003

And people wonder why I love the French so....

----------Ramirez, LA Times

Friday, October 10, 2003

Loyal reader and infidel without a life because he spends all day on his stupid computer reading blogs rlpekrul asks if I have any suggestions about how the illegal occupiers should deal with the Shiites. rlpekrul is concerned that if the Americans start killing Shiites themselves, then the Shiite population may become depleted, thereby depriving me of my favorite hobby when I make my triumphant return to Baghdad.

First of all, I don't normally discuss military strategy with total strangers. For all I know, rlpekrul is actually Donald Rumsfeld. If such is the case, let ME ask YOU a question, Rummy: Now that your role in Iraq has been diminished and Condi Rice is in charge of the operation, how does it feel to be working for a woman!?! Is she making you use coasters? HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

What a wuss....

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, Shiites.... I will say that this doesn't concern me. Shiites are like cockroaches in that there are always more of them. Even if the Americans do begin killing Shiites by the hundreds, more will crawl out from underneath the refrigerator the moment the lights are turned off.

So no, I'm not concerned that there might not be any left for me to shoot.

But thanks for asking.

I don't understand why this Iranian chick won the Nobel Peace Prize. I thought for sure it would have been either me or George Bush!!

This is terrible, horrible news. Absolutely depressing! The only thing that could possibly be any worse is a Chicago Cubs/Boston Red Sox World Series!! What am I saying? That's just downright unimaginable!!

Anyway, what might otherwise have my underwear in a bunch--except that I don't wear any--is the news that there have been no major power outages in Iraq for four frikkin' days now!!!! This is, of course, a major setback for me. For their sakes, my saboteurs had better pray that they are either dead or rotting in a coalition prison. Otherwise, heads will roll for this outrage.... Literally!!!

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Yes, I'm sure this is something my people will look forward to.


----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Curious thing, this "democracy" crap. Even after I rehired all those former personal hookers of mine to go to "Calleeforneeah" and make up stories about how Schwarzenegger groped them, the voters STILL went out and voted for the former Nazi sympathizer. Hell, if the rest of the United States is anything like California, I'll have no problem emerging triumphant in the Presidential election next year.

Of course, I don't expect to win the Shiite vote....

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Bush's desperation in Iraq is becoming increasingly obvious. Now he has ordered a major reorganization of the so-called reconstruction of my country.


Whoa!!! Almost popped a blood vessel in my head with that one!

Anyway, the new setup give Condeleeza Rice more control over the goings-on in Iraq. This is good for me, since it diminishes that fire-breathing lunatic psychopath schizo Rumsfeld's authority. Besides, Rice is a good gal.

I used to date her, you know.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Now conservative commentator and leading infidel loudmouth George F. Will, who is about as Republican as they come, is calling on the Bush Administration to admit it f*cked up. Well, maybe not quite in so many words, but that's certainly the gist of it.

Look, any time Bush decides he's ready to apologize, he knows where to reach me....

Oh, wait, NO HE DOESN'T!!!!


----------KAL,Baltimore Sun

Tomorrow's the big day, the day I take over California! While I haven't made any actual campaign appearances, my scheme to plant dozens of women with stories about Arnold's sexual harassment is coming along quite nicely.

I have come up with a new poll. Now please don't misunderstand me: I still don't give a camel's ass what you think.... in general. On the other hand, I have watched with keen interest the difficulties you Americans have had in restoring order in Iraq. And if there's one thing I've learned from this embarassing fiasco, it's that you absolutely have to win the hearts and minds of the people you plan to rule.... THEN you abuse the hell out of them.

Consequently, I would like to determine what is important to the average infidel in the street.

In the meantime, here are the preliminary results for "Who would you like to see elected President of the United States in 2004?" Not that THESE results really matter, you understand....

Me (combined total)-------------------------62

John Kerry-------------------------------------03

Wesley Clark----------------------------------16

The Dixie Chicks, provided they deliver

their State of the Union addresses in

their underwear------------------------------44

Micheal Moore (combined total)-----------09

Howard Dean (combined total)------------06

A fully clothed Hillary Clinton---------------08

As you can see, I am the overwhelming favorite among Americans, according to this highly scientific unbiased poll of my fan base. However, the strong showing by the Dixie Chicks indicates that a sizeable percentage of you people, while solidly unamerican, are also sexual deviants. But that's cool; I kind of identify with you.

Monday, October 06, 2003

Over the weekend Israel bombed the crap out of some terrorist training camp near Damascus, and now Syria wants the United Nations to condemn the action.

Yeah, right. Fat chance of that happening.

I've got an entire frikkin' foreign army illegally occupying MY country, and the UN ain't doing squat about it. So why in the name of Allah they give a crap about a measly little bombing raid?

If Syrian President Bashar Assad really wants something to whine about, he should try putting himself in my shoes for a while.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

I can only assume that the artist drew me crawling out of a sewer only because he doesn't know what a '73 Chevy Vega looks like.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Friday, October 03, 2003

My rival for the governorship of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is apologizing for some "past mistakes." A number of women have accused him of groping them, making lewd & suggestive remarks, improper physical contact, grabbing their breasts & buttocks, trying to remove their bathing suits, and assorted other acts of sexual harassment.

So what's the problem?

I have to admit I'm beginning to admire Bush for his stubborness. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he continues to insist I "was a danger to the world." In what way? Manufacturing spitballs of mass destruction? Hocking up loogies onto sidewalks? What else am I supposed to do with my excess phlegm?

Yesterday Bush's own chief weapons inspector, David Kay, testified to congress that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq. In fact, the only violation of any kind he has uncovered thus far is a missile we were developing that exceeded illegally imposed range limits.

Well, excu-u-u-u-se me!!! Slap me on the wrist and send me to bed without my supper! The fact is that missile's design was a mistake! Really!! I would never, ever intentionally deceive the United Nations! There was a mathematical mistake involving the conversion of kilometers into miles. But that's what I get for hiring former NASA rocket scientists....

Bush needs to just admit he was wrong and put this whole thing behind him. He should go on National TV this Sunday night--preferably AFTER The Simpsons--and say,

"My fellow Americans.... I f*cked up. Good night. May God continue to bless the United States." Now that's 16 words that would make up for those OTHER 16 that got him in so much trouble last January. Why, it may even qualify as irony!!

I'll run the speech by Alanis Morissette and see what she says.

I always suspected as much....

----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

I am truly glad I'm a despot and don't have to deal with that democracy crap. I mean, what in the name of Allah's green Earth is going on in Washington?

When that Democrat Clinton was in the White House, the Republicans constantly had special prosecutors crawling all over him, investigating one thing or another. I seem to remember him sneezing one time, and Newt Gingrich demanded his resignation. At the same time, the Democrats were saying there's no need for special prosecutors, it's all just politics, and who the hell is Gingrich to point fingers at anyone when he's shtupping a 34 year old woman who's not his wife?

So now that they have one of their own in the White House, the Republicans are the ones saying there's no need for a special prosecutor, while the Democrats WANT to appoint one!

I mean, is something in the water, or the air, or is it the temperate climate?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

This actually brings up a related point:

Bush went against world opinion by invading me, and he launched his invasion on increasingly questionable grounds. As a result thousands of people have died, his military is stretched to the breaking point, Muslim extremists are more fired up than ever, and he has led the United States into a quagmire from which there can be no face saving exit.

Not to mention the fact that an entire country, which had been quite stable, has now been thrown into a state of total anarchy! But enough about the United States.....

Despite all these inescapable facts, Bush remains popular.

Now his predecessor, Clinton (who never, EVER, tried to invade me) led America through eight years of relative calm and increasing prosperity. And in return, he gets his butt impeached for playing hide the lollipop with a chick half his age?!?! Oh yes, that's much MUCH worse a crime than revealing the name of a CIA operative, an act that may well endanger lives and compromise national security.

It is obvious the United States needs strong leadership more than ever. And I'm tanned, rested, and ready to go.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

I can't believe Arianna Huffington did this to me!

The two of us were having dinner the other evening, and she confided that she was thinking about dropping out of the California governor's race and endorsing me. Well, of course, this immediately got my attention.

So we finish eating, have a few too many glasses of wine, one thing leads to another, and the next thing I know, we're out in my '73 Vega testing the springs in the backseat! It was great!! The best one-woman-at-a-time sex I've had in years!

She told me she loved me, and of I course believed it. Really. I honestly thought we had something special.

So what does she go and do? She pulls out of the governor's race as promised, all right, but then she endorses that weiner Gray Davis!!!! How could she do that to me? Didn't the other night mean anything to her!?!

I now realize that she never really cared about me as a person. All her empty promises were nothing but a clever ploy to get in my pants.

Anyway, I've gone through three tubs of chocolate ice cream and am finally starting to feel better.