Damn. I slipped up during my trial and admitted to ordering the destruction of some orchards as reprisal for that assassination attempt against me.

I may not have been worried about the Americans, but I sure as hell don't want the Earth First! people after my hide. That bunch is almost as crazy as some of my fellow Muslims.

If true, this is a real pisser.

According to the New York Times, Germany supplied the United States with extensive intelligence about my defenses for Baghdad. Germany is denying the allegations, however, so we'll have to see how this story develops.

Frankly, I find it hard to believe. I have always trusted the Germans and have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their fine weiner schnitzel. Stealing secret information about my defenses? That's the kind of backstabbing crap I'd expect from the French, who will collaborate with anyone they're scared of. But the Germans? No, I can't believe that.

On the other hand, it would certainly explain why my forces crumbled so easily when the Americans attacked. I had thought it was because my officers were cowards, and now I almost feel bad that I executed so many of them for running away.

Well, the Olympics have finally wrapped up. I followed the games pretty closely, which really shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, I've had a lot of free time on my hands lately.

The only complaint I really have is about the cheerleaders. At first I couldn't figure why I was so disappointed in them, and then it finally dawned on me: They're wearing w-a-a-y to many clothes! I mean, if you're going to get a crowd worked up, you have to show some skin, for crying out loud! With all the stuff these women were wearing, they'd almost have been acceptable to Osama.... Or at least I think they would have been acceptable to him. I don't really know for sure since we haven't discussed it. After all, we have no meaningful ties.

On the other hand, my favorite story to com out of these games was the American skier Bode Miller. He went to Turin with a really cocky attitude, acting like he was some sort of hot shit who was going to show everyone how great he is. So what happens? He screws up most of his runs and ends up winning zero medals. But is he humbled by his repeated failures? Does he apologize for disappointing his fans? No, of course not. In fact, he ends up telling a reporter "I'm comfortable with what I've accomplished."

Kind of sounds like Bush, doesn't he?

I also loved that little soap opera between the Italian dancers, Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio. In case you missed what was arguably the most memorable moment in these Olympics, the two had almost finished their routine when Margaglio slipped and sent Poli sliding across the ice. The mistake cost them dearly in terms of points from the judges. But the best part was yet to come as the woman started staring daggers at the poor guy. In fact, the temperature in the entire arena dropped by seven degrees.

Even the next night, as they were getting ready to go back out on the ice, the two could be seen not speaking to one another. As I'm sure Margaglio learned the hard way, it's never a good idea to piss off a woman.

My favorite part of the Winter Olympics has always been the women's figure skating competition. No, it's not that I'm into ice skating, you idiot. It's those little skimpy outfits they wear, with their skirts flying up, and their butts hanging out as they glide backwards across the ice! Little Saddam always quadruples in size when watching that.

Anyway, I've decided that once I return to power, I'm going to launch a bid for Iraq to host the 2014 winter games. Granted, we don't get a whole lot of snow around here, but sand will work almost as well. Oh, and you don't have to worry about sand melting in these times of global warming.

I know that NBC was disappointed with the ratings for the Olympics. Apparently many Americans just weren't that interested. But I already have a great idea to make Iraq's 2014 games the most watched in history: I'm going to add a lesbian ice dancing competition! Every guy in the world--except for those two that keep sneaking up Brokeback Mountain--will want to tune in for that!! And these will be good-looking lesbians, the kind that actually look like women and even shave their armpits!

And if this idea doesn't get me out of jail, I don't know what will.

Former Pentagon spokesbabe Torie Clarke has written a book, "Lipstick on a Pig." Basically the book says that if you have bad news, get it out in the open right away and be done with it. If you try to hide it, or sugarcoat it, or give it a positive spin, you're only going to make things worse for yourself in the long run.

Anyway, in her book she quotes Rumsfeld as saying only hours after the 9/11 attacks that "his instinct was to hit Saddam Hussein at the same time -- not only Bin Ladin." This is just further proof that the bush people have had it in for me all along, regardless of whether or not I was a threat.

It's no fun being framed. Just ask O.J.

That's odd. I just received an invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

The Askariya shrine has in Samarra has long been considered one of the holiest sites in Shiite Islam. Er, make that HAD been, since some insurgents kind of, well, blew the place up yesterday. Needless to say, Shiites throughout Iraq are royally pissed off about the incident, and have attacked and set fire to dozens of Sunni mosques in retaliation. And while the initial blast caused no casualties, at least 19 Sunnis have been killed by Shiites out for revenge.

Of course, the retaliatory strikes are only going to serve to piss off the Sunnis, who in turn will seek revenge of their own. That, in turn, will piss off even more Shiites, and pretty soon you've got a never ending cycle of violence, and a hell of a lot of piss. Everyone ends up blaming everyone else, and soon no one even remembers what initially touched off the fighting.

The question then is not whether or not there will recriminations, but rather how much longer the killing will go on. And the answer, quite frankly, is that the killing will go on until everyone is dead. And as long as the women on each side keep giving birth, that could be a very long time indeed.

Beautiful, ain't it?

On numerous occasions in the past I have talked about why despotism is superior to democracy. Tonight I would like to revisit the topic since I have just discovered yet another reason: Darwinism.

Yes, despotism is all about survival of the fittest. And when you have a totalitarian form of government, the smartest, most ruthless, and shrewdest individuals will naturally rise to power. Iraq and myself are the perfect example of this. When I was in charge, Iraq was a functioning nation. But when the stinkin' infidels showed up, its ecosystem was severely disrupted, I fell from power and the country went straight down the toilet.

In a democracy, on the other hand, any idiot can get himself elected President. A perfect example of that is.... Well, do I really need to say it?

I mean, have you heard about what Bush is proposing now!?!?! He wants to turn control of two of America's biggest ports over to a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates! Forget the damn Olympic athletes; Bush is the one who needs to be tested for drugs!

Some of his countrymen are understandably upset by this proposal and are questioning its wisdom. The President, of course, is defending his idea. He points out a British company used to manage those ports, and says that his opponents need "to step up and explain why a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard."

Well, um, perhaps because the British are military allies of the United States; because they speak the same language; because they and the Americans share similar values; because none of the 9-11 hijackers spoke with a British accent; and because English companies don't run the risk of being infiltrated by a bunch of religious fanatics. Need I go on?

When I read this story, I had to shake my head in disbelief. It's not that I really care if the Americans shoot themselves in the foot. And heaven forbid I should go meddling in a sovereign nation's internal affairs.

My problem with all this, quite frankly, is that I'm embarrassed and ashamed: I can't believe this idiot actually managed to beat me.

One thing that has been lost in all the fuss about those Muhammad cartoons is that more photos (you'll find links to a slideshow and the original Australian TV report near the top of that link) from Abu Ghraib have made it out into the open. It should be pointed out that these were taken about the same time as the ones from two years ago. We were even warned back then that were more pictures that had not been releases.

Some of them are quite disturbing, and I won't post them here. Unlike the cartoons--which I did publish--these photos are real life and not the work of some stupid artist.... On the other hand, I've always considered torture to be an art form, so in that sense these images are comparable to the works of Rembrandt or da Vinci. To be honest, some of them make me quite jealous.

But don't worry. I've been taking notes.

Now it's Nigeria that has suffered riots because of the Muhammad cartoons. Sixteen people have died there.

If nothing else, these protests are providing the world with an excellent geography lesson.

What is it with Libya? Are those people a little slow on the uptake, or what? The rest of the Muslim world has been rioting, killing, burning, destroying, and creating an all-around nuisance of itself for the last two weeks, and the Libyans have only now joined the party?

Well, better late than never, I always say. At least when they did decide to finally show up for the festivities, they did so with style: Nine dead outside the Italian Consulate in some city I've never heard of.

I have been conferring with my attorneys, and we have decided to try a new defense strategy in my trial. You know all the thousands of people I killed and all those villages I gassed?

Two words: Hunting accidents.

My trial was back in session today, and once again they're trying to pin all sorts of ridiculous crap on me. Like those memos, supposedly in my handwriting, ordering the deaths of those people. I can not begin to tell you how disappointed I am that someone has forged those documents which I had ordered shredded! You just can't get good help these days....

But even if we assume for a moment that those documents are real, and that is actually my handwriting, what's the big deal? So what if I really did order the deaths of all those innocent people? What's the problem? The Americans have such a double standard.

Case in point: When Dick Cheney goes around shooting people, how come you don't see international tribunals putting him on trial?

A former CIA official who was the national intelligence officer for the Near East and South Asia for five years has written a blistering article about the Bush administration. In the magazine Foreign Affairs Paul R. Pillar admits that while the agency was wrong on the issue of WMD's, that was not what led to the war. In fact, says Pillar,

"It has become clear that official intelligence was not relied on in making even the most significant national security decisions, that intelligence was misused publicly to justify decisions already made, that damaging ill will developed between [Bush] policymakers and intelligence officers, and that the intelligence community's own work was politicized."

In other words, the administration didn't really care what the facts were. The war was going to happen no matter what.

In addition to "cheery-picking" bits that of intelligence that would justify an attack, Pillar also accuses Bush officials of "ignoring warnings that the country could easily fall into violence and chaos after an invasion to overthrow" little ol' me.

Well, I'm certainly honored! Some columnist at that great infidel rag, The Washington Post, quoted from my February 4 post:

At the satirical Saddam's Palace blog is this too-true statement: "religious wackos come in all denominations."

While I am flattered, I must question the writer's choice of the word "satirical." What does that word mean? After all, my command of the English language is almost as bad as President Bush's, so you'll have to excuse my ignorance. Is she somehow implying that I'm not actually the one writing this blog?

Let me once again reiterate that there is no truth to the rumor that I am actually a 15 year old junior varsity cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York. That story is nothing more than a deliberate falsehood perpetrated by the CIA in a pitiful attempt to discredit me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my pom-poms out of the dryer.

Unbelievable as it may seem, Muslims are still pissed off by those stupid cartoons. People are even rioting in Afghanistan, with seven people dead in the last two days. Demonstrators have gone as far as to attack military bases to voice their anger. A NATO base in Maymana was attacked by a mob armed with guns and grenades. The soldiers on the other side of the fence apparently didn't appreciate that a whole lot and returned fire. Three people were killed and 22 were wounded.

Two thousand protesters--some of them armed--even tried the storm the country's main U.S. base at Bagram! The Americans shot back, and that pretty much ended that particular party.

I'm guessing that the people of Afghanistan have already forgotten that it was the westerners who rescued them from the Taliban. How's that for gratitude?

Have you been following the story about the offensive and blasphemous cartoons about Mohammad? Pretty much the entire Muslim world has been thrown into a tizzy over them.

The whole thing started when some European newspapers reprinted the cartoons, most of which had appeared last summer in some Danish papers. When Muslims objected, even more newspapers reprinted them, if for no other reason except to piss off anyone who wasn't already pissed off!

And boy, have they succeeded! Schoolkids throughout the Islamic world are burning the flags of various European nations, and in Gaza City, masked Palestinian gunmen have surrounded the offices of the European union.

Personally, I think the whole thing is a hoot!! The western infidel newspapers are asserting their freedom of the press, while we Muslims are reinforcing westerners views of us as a bunch of religious crackpots. And while there may some truth to that, let me point out that you Christians have Pat Robertson on your side.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Robertson, he is a major televangelist--that's someone who convinces ignorant poor people that they have to send their money to televangelists in the first place or go to hell--in the United States. Last year he called for the assassination of Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez (Hmmm.... A Christian advocating someone be killed?) Then he later predicted that the town of Dover, Pennsylvania would suffer his God's wrath for rejecting its pro intelligent design school board in favor of one that advocates that actual science should be taught in science classes.

My point is simply that religious wackos come in all denominations.... Which means, I guess, that the only sane people in this world are atheists.

Anyway, as a public service, I am providing you, my stinkin' infidel readers, with three of the cartoons. If you'd like to see the rest of them as well, click here.

P.S.
Thanks to Danny for providing the link to the cartoons. Have a virgin on me, Danny.

Well, once again my trial is on hold. So what else is new, right? Like I've said, at this rate it won't end until 2015 at the earliest. And what these clowns haven't figured out yet is that the more they delay the proceedings because of my antics, the more it encourages me to act up even more!!!! I'm like a little kid who craves being the center of attention....

Well, except that most little kids aren't on trial for gassing entire villages.

The United States preaches that "freedom of speech" stuff, but I guess that only applies to other countries.

For example, Cindy Sheehan showed up for President Bush's State of the Union address the other night wearing a t-shirt that said "2,245 Dead. How Many More?" Her fashion statement not only got her removed from the building, but arrested as well.

Then a little later, a Republican congressman's wife was also asked to leave, but she was wearing a "Support the Troops" shirt. Police justified their actions on the basis that it's only fair. Well, I suppose that's true, in a dictatorial police state sort of way. After all, IF you're going to oppress an anti-war protestor, then you really should oppress the pro-war protestor as well.

But then the next day the husband of the woman got involved and condemned the officers' actions for ordering his wife to leave, yet in the same breath said they were right to arrest Sheehan.

Well, I'm confused. How can you allow one but not the other? Is freedom of speech a pick and choose kind of thing?

For those of you wondering what REALLY happened at my trial yesterday that caused the whole thing to descend into chaos, here's a pretty accurate description of the proceedings. The only part of the account I take issue with is my alleged threat to blog about the day's events on MySpace. That part is obviously wrong since I am--and have been for the last three years--on Blogspot. Besides, MySpace is for 15 year old girls.

I just wanted to set the record straight on that before the CIA ends up with faulty intelligence.

Again.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm really looking forward to that new movie about the Bush administration.

Boy, the new judge running my trial is a real asshole. He had the audacity to throw me out of the courtroom because I kept interrupting him, disrupting the trial with outbursts, standing up to deliver political speeches, and cracking everyone up with fake farting noises!!!

So much for that so-called "freedom of speech" crap.

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days, but I've been laughing my ass off over those Palestinian elections. A couple of days ago it looked like Hamas might pull off a respectable showing, but it turns out they won by a freakin' landslide!! 76 out of a total of 132 seats!!

Hmmmm.... I wonder if that fits Bush's definition of a "mandate."

Of course, now the United States government is voicing its concern over the results. They apparently didn't expect a terrorist organization which has repeatedly called for the destruction of Israel to win!

Personally, I don't see what everyone is complaining about. Bush and Cheney were the ones who kept saying they were going to bring democracy to the middle east. Well, it's working! They should be happy!

I guess this just proves that old adage about "be careful what you wish for."

I'm sure you've heard the old warning about "Don't drink the water." Usually it applies only if you're visiting some third world country, like Honduras, Somalia, or France. Turns out, however, that you should also follow the advice if you're an American soldier on an American military base!

Accusations have surfaced that Halliburton--yes, Dick Cheney's old cronies--were supplying an American base with contaminated water! An inspector tried to warn his higher ups but was ignored.

This is hardly the first time questions about military contracts have arisen. And last year Democrats tried to hold hearings on the matter but were repeatedly blocked by Republicans.

The people running my trial are so screwed up that it's downright hilarious. It's like a bad Saturday Night Live skit.... Or is the term "bad Saturday Night Live skit" redundant?

Anyway, the judges had us sitting around for four hours waiting for proceedings to begin, then they abruptly canceled it until Sunday! They claim it's because a number of witnesses and lawyers are on their pilgrimage to Mecca, but I think that excuse is nothing but a colossal load of camel crap. The fact is they're scared of getting killed. And that's certainly understandable, considering that a number of people associated with my trial have met premature and untimely deaths.

The judges should be ashamed of themselves, for they are making a mockery of Iraq's legal system. Back when I was in charge, we didn't have these kinds of embarrassing problems with our courts.

And the reason was quite simple: We didn't bother with trials.

Gosh, I just remembered that my trial resumes tomorrow. I better get busy! No, not planning my defense, you infidel idiot. I don't need to defend myself. After all, I'm not the one who invaded a helpless, defenseless country.

Well, except for Kuwait, but that doesn't count.

However, I do need to come up with a fresh list of insults and tirades to unleash against the judges. The only one I've come up with so far is "Oh yeah? So's your mother!"

Pretty original, eh?

Have you heard about this hamster and rat snake that are happily sharing a cage at the Tokyo zoo? The snake's keepers put the hamster in there last October for the snake to eat, but instead they've become close friends! Some people are amazed by this, since snakes generally try to kill small animals and eat them.

Personally I don't see what the big deal is. So the two of them get along, peacefully coexisting side by side. Unusual things sometimes happen in this world of ours; get over it.

If, on the other hand, the snake were Arab and the hamster Jewish, and they weren't trying to kill one another, THAT would be truly amazing!!

Well, well, well.... While everyone's been busy concentrating on little ol' innocent me, look who just popped up again: The guy who killed the 3,000 people on 9/11! Yes, Osama has released another audiotape, this one threatening fresh attacks against the United States if Bush doesn't withdraw from Iraq.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I really, really, really don't need Osama's help! I've got the Americans right where I want them, and I don't need that idiot moving in and mucking things up. Besides, the lunatics at Fox News will only use this as further "proof" that bin Laden and I have "meaningful ties."

As I have said before, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I don't even wear ties! You've seen those pictures of me at my court appearances, right? Was I wearing ties in any of them? No! Of course not! No terrorist ties here! no sirree!

And aside from that one night of passion on Brokeback Mountain, the two of us have never even met.

So how's that so-called "war on terror" thing going? Well, aside from the minor detail that Bush invaded a country that had no terrorists, no ties to Al Qaeda, and no involvement in the 9-11 attacks, it's going pretty well. In fact, the United States has given new momentum to the movement to reestablish the caliphate.

The caliphate, for the benefit of those of you who are too busy playing Grand Theft Auto to learn anything about the world in which you live, was the institution that governed the world's Muslims for 1400 years. It was broken up at the conclusion of World War I.

Think of the caliphate as a Vatican for followers of Islam.... But without the child molesters.

The reason for the revival of the concept, however, is quite simple: For most Muslims the question is not about freedom and democracy, but rather why the United States keeps invading only Muslim countries. And the fact that Bush used the word "crusade" to justify his attack on Afghanistan didn't help matters. For many Muslims, a "crusade" tends to conjure up images of King Richard slaughtering non-Christians. Yes, that was a l-o-n-g time ago, but we're still kind of bitter about it.

And what do I think of the caliphate idea? I'm in favor of it so long as it helps me get out of here and back into power.... But there better not be any damn Shiites involved in the stupid thing.

Yesterday was another busy day here in Iraq. Over fifty people were killed in an assortment of shootings, ambushes, and car bombings. I guess like any big company, the insurgency is diversifying its production methods.

Oh, and in case that's not bad enough, a 15 year old girl in northern Iraq may have died of bird flu!

When it rains, it pours.... Even in a desert.

HAHAHAHA!!!!! The judge in charge of my trial has resigned! Some people are wondering why, but I know. Let's just say my supporters made him, er, "an offer" he couldn't refuse.

Plus, that camel's head he found in his bed the other morning may have had something to do with it as well.

If it's January, it must be time for the annual Hajj stampede, in which Muslims making their pilgrimage to Mecca get carried away by the holiness of the moment and crush each other. This year's death toll appears to be at least 345. While it is still an impressive number, it pales in comparison to the 1426 that died in 1990.

It's this sort of reckless behavior that gives people the impression we Muslims are crazy. On the other hand, Christians are constantly being embarrassed by Pat Robertson, so I suppose it all evens out in the end.

In what is obviously a good omen for my own eventual fate, the guy who shot the Pope back in 1981 has been released from prison. And what's even more shocking, this wasn't even in California!!!!

I mean, hell, if you can shoot the frikkin' Pope--the most powerful infidel on Earth--and not spend the rest of your natural life in jail, there's no way anyone's going to convict me! All I did was kill a bunch of Kurds and Shiites, for crying out loud!

Thumbing its nose at world opinion, Iran has begun removing seals from its nuclear plants. It's actually quite surprising they found it necessary to do this.

After all, Iran is a predominantly desert country while seals are an aquatic animal.

Remember when the Bush was first talking about invading me? Do you recall what they estimated the war would cost? Well, White House economic adviser Lawrence Lindsey estimated total Iraq war costs of $100 billion to $200 billion. But then White House budget director Mitch Daniels called Lindsey's numbers "very, very high."

Ah, the good old days....

A new study now suggests that if you factor in ALL the costs of the war, including things such as extended health care for wounded soldiers, higher oil prices due to instability in the region, and lost productivity from disabled veterans, the total costs comes in around $2 trillion!!!

In a sign that this "democracy" thing is taking hold in Iraq, an international group has agreed to review the election resutls from a couple of weeks ago. This is to put to rest any concerns voiced by Sunnis and some secular Shiite groups that the results were fixed.

All this controversy could have been avoided if only Iraq hadn't borrowed those old voting machines from Florida.

How do you keep an infidel in suspense?

Well, there are many alternatives, but one particularly effective way is to share the world's best blonde joke with him.

Yesterday was a rough day in Iraq, but things have finally quieted down. Good thing, too, because I'm really tired. Maybe it's just me, but I just can't get any damn sleep with car bombs constantly going off outside my window.

Anyway, now that the dust has settled, it looks like January 5, 2006, will go down in the books as the fourth deadliest day in Iraq since the fall of Baghdad in 2003. Some 189 people were killed across the country, including 11 American soldiers.

Yep, good thing that pesky insurgency is in its last throes.

First off, I'd like to wish all my stinkin' infidel readers a happy new year!! I wish you nothing but the best.... Assuming you're on my side, of course.

Anyway, there's more embarrassing news for the Bush administration: A new book accuses the CIA of ignoring information that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction.

Back in 2002, the CIA recruited an Iraqi-American anesthesiologist named Sawsan Alhaddad to go to Iraq. Once here, she questioned her brother, who was some sort of bigwig in my alleged nuclear program. He told her the program had been dead for ten years, and she took the information right back to the CIA.

Obviously they didn't believe her, or just flat out didn't care to check into the intelligence further.

American teenagers have a reputation for being, shall we say, "dumb." Compared to others of the same age around the world, American teens are less proficient in math, ignorant of history, clueless in geography, less knowledgeable of current events, and unable to properly put on a pair of pants without the damn things hanging below their butts. So I suppose it really shouldn't come as a surprise that 16 year old Farris Hassan took it upon himself to not only travel to Iraq, but he did it without telling his parents.

If he were my kid, I'd ground his ass till he's 55.

Anyway, Hassan first went to Kuwait City, then took a cab to the border. That turned out to be sealed because of the upcoming elections in Iraq. So he took the cab back to Kuwait City, then argued with the driver over the fare. Hassan then took a plane to Lebanon, and from there caught a flight to Baghdad. He managed to make his way to the green zone where he was finally intercepted by the American military.

Now you may wonder why on Earth anyone would do something this stupid. Evidently he's taking some sort of course "immersion journalism," in which the writer basically becomes his subject. It's not clear if this includes running the risk of being kidnapped by jihadists and having your head chopped off, but apparently that's how this moron interpreted it.

Sounds like a really stupid course, if you ask me. Maybe he should study intelligent design instead. It would still be stupid, but at least it won't get him killed.

As it turns out, some good DID come out of the recent elections after all! Remember that fat slob Ahmed Chalabi? You may recall that he is the one person most responsible for convincing the Americans to invade Iraq. Chalabi thought he could then return to Iraq after a 39 year absence and take over as President.

Well, guess what? Chalabi and his party didn't win even a single seat in the new parliament! Is that funny or what!?!? Apparently the Iraqi citizens didn't appreciate him waltzing in here after almost four decades thinking he could start ordering everyone around!

I guess some good can come out of democracy after all.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I have this sudden, inexplicable craving to get advice from you, my beloved readers. This is rather frightening, especially when one considers that most of you--at least judging from the comments and emails I receive--are incapable of forming a coherent sentence. And don't EVEN get me started on your spelling!!! Seriously, Americans' grammar and spelling skills are almost as bad as their science skills. In fact, I'm guessing that the reason so many of them question evolution is that they simply can't spell the word.

Anyway, I have prepared a new poll asking what sort of compensation I should seek from the United States to ease the emotional trauma inflicted upon me by the illegal invasion of Iraq. You can find the new poll in the left hand column of this page. Feel free to vote. It's perfectly safe, unlike in Iraq, where voting can get you blown up.

The city of Samarra has long been one of the roughest places in Iraq. It's populated by nothing more than criminals. Even back when I was in power I couldn't bring law and order to the place. Things got so bad there that I finally just gave up and ordered a bypass to be built around the stupid city so travelers would be safe. It's really no exaggeration to say that Samarra is nothing more than a wretched hive of scum and villainy.... Yes, much like Mos Eisley Spaceport.

The Americans have learned that the hard way. Their occupation of the city has been marked by repeated bombings, slayings of police officers, and kidnappings. Several times now the infidels have tried to return control of the city to the Iraqis. And each time, the attempt has ended in failure. Then the American soldiers would be forced to move back in to restore some semblance of order. Last summer they went as far as to build an eight foot wall around that hellhole in an attempt to keep the insurgents out.

Well, they are poised to return control of the city to local authorities yet again. The concern is that if the city goes to hell again, it will raise questions about the United States' overall plan for Iraq. After all, if they can't restore lasting order to a single city, how can they possibly do it with an entire country.

I wish the Americans well. After all, I've got a big enough mess to clean up around here once I return to power without having to worry about Samarra.

The American defense minister, Donald Rumsfeld, who I strongly believe has fangs and a forked tail, was in Iraq to serve Christmas dinner to his troops. You'd think he would have stopped by to say hello to me just for old times sake, but he didn't. Rather rude of him, I think.

I'm not entirely sure what this Christmas thing is, but I believe it commemorates the birth of some infidel guy named Jesus some 2000 years ago. Infidels today mark this holy occasion by participating in an orgy of greed, acquisitionhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.spell.gif
Check Spelling, gift giving, and the trampling of the weak and elderly in Wal-Marts.

Well, my trial has been adjourned until January 24 of next year. Hell, at this rate it will be 2017 before it ends.... With my acquittal, of course. And needless to say, I love this judge. He pretty much let's me run the show! Like that stuff about me being tortured by the Americans.... He just let me go on and on about that crap! Those allegations are going to look good in the Arab media.

Did I exaggerate those torture claims? No more than Bush exaggerated the evidence of my weapons of mass destruction. And that's all I'll say about that.

Meanwhile, Rumsfeld has announced that the United States will be withdrawing several thousand soldiers in the coming months. Currently there are about 160,000 of them here, and that number is expected to fall below 138,000 by the end of January.

Well, that's certainly a good start, but it still leaves 138,000 too many.

Well, here's a heavy dose of irony for you: The sissies at today's trial proceedings were complaining about how I used to torture them, or else ordered others to do so. So what? Wasn't American President Bush arguing until recently that the United States should be allowed to torture its prisoners? Why should it be okay for them and not for me? Why do I feel like I'm getting a three foot long, six inch wide dose of double standards shoved up my butt?

And have you heard about how Bush is trying to justify spying on his own citizens? No court order necessary, and no approval by congress. Just his own executive order. In other words, forget the rule of law: The President knows best. Trust him or you'll be branded unpatriotic.

Hmmmm.... Perhaps Bush and I have more in common than I thought!

Vice President Cheney paid a surprise visit to Iraq earlier today, supposedly to see how things were going in general. However, his real reason for coming here was to meet with me to discuss terms of surrender. And all of you are no doubt wondering how that went.

Well, it didn't. I had my secretary tell him that it was rude to show up unannounced like that, especially since I'm such a busy man. Sometimes you just have to show people who's boss!

But between you and me, Cheney scares the hell out of me. You never know what's going on behind that crooked smile of his.

Here's a stunning piece of news: President Bush has accepted responsibility for the invasion of Iraq!!

Well, I'm glad he cleared that up. I thought maybe the Tooth Fairy or one of the seven dwarves was behind it.

For quite a while now Bush has defended his unlawful attack on my peace-loving nation (well, except for the occasional invasion, plunder, and rape of neighboring countries) by pointing out that Congress voted to let him do it. Some critics in Congress, however, have said that they only did so based on the intelligence supplied by the White House, intelligence which may have been "cooked." Bush's people have repeatedly denied this, saying that Congress saw the exact same intelligence that Bush did.

Well, now comes a report that the White House did, in fact, withhold some intelligence reports from Congress.

Okay, so, um, why exactly am I the one on trial?

JibJab has come out with Bush's musical review of 2005. The President is no Springsteen, but he does come close to being a William Hung.

I saw King Kong today, and I have to highly recommend it to all of my stinkin' infidel readers.

Uh, Saddam? How is that possible? Aren't you in prison? Besides, the movie only opened today in the U.S. and New Zealand. How could you have seen it already?

Hey, I have friends in Hollywood. Remember Michael Moore, Alec Baldwin, and that whole bunch? Remember how opposed they were to the war? Well, let's just say I called in a few favors, and thanks to some fortunate timing, I was able to sneak into the wheel well of a C117 transport plane. That's all you need to know. Now shut up and keep reading.

I saw the 1976 version with Jessica Lang shortly after it came out and thought it sucked big time. And as for the original 1933 version, well, I only vaguely remember watching it as a kid on Saturday afternoons in Tikrit on my family's black & white TV. I do recall feeling quite unimpressed by it.

This new version, however, is breathtaking on a number of levels. First of all, the photography is wonderful. I had to close my eyes several times near the end when Kong was at the top of the Empire State Building. Then there's the action, at least once things get rolling. While the first hour or so is a bit on the slow side, the movie REALLY grabs you when they get to Skull Island. And since it's a three hour movie, that will be your last chance to hit the head. After that, you're not going to want to take your eyes off the screen. Finally, the characters are great. You really end up caring about what happens to them.

Kong himself is the product of computer-generated imagery (CGI), yet he is incredibly lifelike. Remember Jar-Jar Binks from Phantom Menace, who was also computer generated? Well, forget him. Kong puts him to shame. The technology of CGI has obviously come a long way in just the last few years.

In fact, that brings up another important difference between (Kong director) Peter Jackson and George Lucas. In the recent Star Wars movies, Lucas used his CGI characters to show off his special effects. But in the end, that's all you really ended up with: A series of pretty pictures. Beyond the wow factor, you really don't give a crap about the people on the screen.

Jackson, on the other hand, is able to use Kong to connect with his audience. You're not just looking at a big ape on that screen, but a creature with real feelings. As a result you identify with him an emotional level. Add to that a terrific performance by Naomi Watts as Ann Darrow, and you're left with one of the most memorable on-screen romances in years. And most importantly, you end up with a real story with real heart. The end result of all this is that by the end of the movie, as Kong makes his last stand on top of the Empire State Building, you find yourself being reduced to tears.

Er, I mean most people would be reduced to tears. Not me, though. I'm too much of a manly man to cry.... Or at least admit to it.

But even before returning to New York--which only constitutes maybe 30 minutes at the end--there are a number of memorable scenes. One in particular was the fight between Kong and a trio of T-Rexes. It puts to shame anything the World Wrestling Federation has ever come up with. Another wonderful scene is after the fight when Kong takes Darrow back to his lair and they watch the sunrise.

Then there's the ice skating scene. Yes, Kong goes ice skating in Central Park after he makes his big escape and is reunited with Darrow. Not only is the sequence amusing, it's genuinely touching.

Of course, it's also too good to last. The American military soon shows up and everything quickly goes to hell. How typical is that? I guess some things never change, eh?

Of course, we all know how it will end. And as Kong slowly slips off the top of the Empire State Building while Darrow caresses his paw, I was reminded of the final goodbye between Jack and Rose in Titanic.... Especially when Kong says "Grow old, Ann, and make lots of babies."

Needless to say, that was somewhat unexpected.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Have you been following the things that have been coming out of the mouth of the new Iranian president? The guy's great!! After he gets out of politics, he should consider a career in standup comedy.

For example, last week he suggested that Israel should be transferred to Europe. Now he was a little sparse on the details, so I'm not sure how that would work. Do you use blowtorches along the border to detach Israel from the rest of the Middle East, then have a series of tugboats tow the entire country across the Mediterranean?

Now he's denying that the holocaust even happened. I love that! I guess Auschwitz is just a cleverly constructed stage prop. Oh, and those old black & white films of starving Jews being liberated from the death camps? Probably concocted by Spielberg with special effects. I mean, have you seen the new King Kong? It's amazing what they can do on film nowadays!

Of course, I hope Israel doesn't go anywhere. The reality is that having a Jewish state in the Mideast is a good thing. It gives us Arab dictators something to bitch and moan about, and to use to fire up the masses! If we leaders didn't have Israel to blame for everything, our citizens might figure out that they live in absolute squalor and start blaming us for their problems!!

Iraq will be holding elections in a couple days, and early voting is already being allowed for people living with a broad. It's also being permitted for Iraqi citizens residing in other countries.

Election officials say they are pleased with how smoothly it's going so far. Well, of course it is. It's the people living in places OTHER than Iraq that are voting at this point! Just wait till Thursday when voting starts here, and the wackos start blowing themselves up. Then we'll see how smoothly things are going.

By the way, where's MY ballot? I certainly wouldn't want to be deprived of my democratic rights.

The guy who is likely to end up as Iraq's next illegitimate Prime Minister has come up with an interesting idea: Let Iraq become a loose alliance of semi-autonomous regions. He says that is best way to end the fighting between the Sunnis, Kurds, and Shiites.

Interesting idea, but not one I would ever allow. While I agree there are differences between the various ethnic groups in the country, breaking up Iraq into some sort of loose alliances is NOT an answer.

The solution to ending the violence and bringing peace to Iraq is quite simple: Kill all the Shiites and Kurds. Yeah, yeah. I know some of you are horrified that I would say something like that, and there's only one thing I have to say to you: You're a bunch of sissies.

If you think about, my idea is absolutely brilliant. I mean, if there's no one left alive, then you have peace, right? The logic is irrefutable. Man, I deserve a Nobel Prize for this one.

Of course, since I no longer have any weapons of mass destruction, it will be a lot tougher to accomplish this admirable goal.

Here's an article that says I'm casting a "long shadow" over the upcoming elections.

If you think that shadow is long now, just wait till I take my pants off!

The key to a nation's foreign policy is spelling and proofreading. Failures in those areas can lead to all sorts of embarrassing mistakes, bad decisions, and even cases of mistaken identity.

For example, you would never want to confuse "Australia" with "Austria." Let's say there's some sort of important summit conference in Sydney. You certainly wouldn't want to fly to Austria for that, now would you? No, of course not, because then all the other world leaders would point and laugh when you finally did show up for the meeting in Australia.

Likewise, you don't want to get screwed up trying to tell the difference between Iraq and Iran. Doing that could lead one to do something incredibly stupid such as, oh, invading the wrong freaking country.

I bring this up only because there currently over 120,000 foreign troops occupying Iraq while Iran is announcing that it is about to restart its production of nuclear fuel.

The Bush administration has rejected fresh calls by the International Red Cross for full access to all detainees. This comes just as American Secretary of State Condi Rice was finishing up her trip to Europe in which she tried to justify the use of those secret prison camps.

It also comes just a week after the fascinating case of Khaled Masri became public. He's the German citizen who was kidnapped by the CIA, held prisoner, and tortured (allegedly). The authorities eventually figured out they had the wrong guy, and that Masri was completely innocent. The Americans, after realizing their screw up, debated what to do with him. In an attempt to cover up their mistake, the ended up dumping the poor SOB on some back road in frikkin' Albania.

You know, if I had pulled that kind of crap the entire world would have been in an uproar, and I would have been hit with all kinds of sanctions and condemnations.

A suicide bomber blew himself up on a bus bound for Nasiriyah, killing 32 people. This is absolutely outrageous!! Suicide bombers on buses now!?! Where the hell do they think they are? Israel?

What's that? Most of the victims were Shiites? Oh.... Well, never mind then.

This trial--er, I mean "unjust court"--is obviously being run by the infidels. They're the ones guarding me and escorting me to the courtroom. I'm wearing an American tailored suit (from JC Penney, by the way). Oh, and Ramsey Clark, a former United States Attorney General, is on my defense team. So heck, why not throw in an American judge, too? This guy would be perfect.

Why is everyone surprised I didn't show up for today's unjust court proceedings? I said yesterday I was going to boycott today's session, didn't I? Did people think I was bluffing? I never, ever bluff.... Well, except when it comes to pretending I have vast stores of weapons of mass destruction.

So I'm just going to sit around my cell today watching DVD's on this little 7" portable player. Ah, I hear many of you screaming about how outrageous that is!! "Saddam is holding up justice for millions of tortured Iraqi citizens while he watches movies on a little DVD player!!" Now calm down before you pop a vein in your forehead.

The thing is, I wholeheartedly agree with you!! It really is unbelievable, isn't it? I deserve one of those 42" plasma HDTV's!! Not a projection unit, however. Those take up too much room. But one of the smaller ones that will hang on a wall of my cell would be nice. Right across from the metal toilet so I have a place to sit would be perfect. Oh, and let's not forget the surround sound system. One of those little Bose systems would be perfect given the limited amount of space I have to work with.

In fact, the next time I throw a hissy fit in the courtroom about this stupid trial, and not being able to shower on a daily basis, and not having a change of clothes, I think I'll throw in the demand for the TV.... I'll even hold out for a Sony. They're the best. None of that Samsung crap for me.

Some of you are bothered by my repeated outbursts in court, and wonder if it's hurting my chances. Well, while I certainly appreciate your concerns, I would like to assure you that it's all part of my well-crafted legal strategy.

You see, while my attorneys quibble over the fine points of various legal technicalities, my demeanor is aimed squarely at my many supporters. They find it reassuring to see that while I may be imprisoned, shackled, reduced to asking for permission to go to the bathroom, and forced to engage in naked human pyramid building, I'm also still very much in charge of Iraq.

Hey, if Bush can be delusional, why can't I?

Why do people seem surprised that I am being so "defiant" at my trial? Well, what do they expect? Should I just roll over and play dead? Cry like a baby? Whimper a lot? Beg for mercy?

I can assure you none of that will happen.

Need I point out once again that the whole reason I was invaded was to find those weapons of mass destruction. And once it became apparent I didn't have any, didn't that render the invasion illegal? In the United States when someone is arrested for possessing cocaine, then is later found to not have any drugs, is he not released? Of course he is!! The authorities don't go digging into his background, and then charge him for hiding in the cheerleaders' lockeroom back in high school!

So then why am I being tried for a massacre that happened in 1991? That's not what the invasion was about.

Changing the rules halfway through a game hardly seems fair. After all, if the Chicago Bears are playing the Miami Dolphins in a football game, you never see the referee suddenly stop everything halfway through the third quarter, hand everyone a bat, and announce that the rest of the game will be played as baseball! But if that ever did happen, don't you think the coaches of each team would be just a bit "defiant?" Of course they would be! And the referee would be locked up for being a nutcase!!!

Well, it's back to court for me in a few hours. And quite frankly, I'm getting worried. Word is that a Sunni group was planning to launch a rocket attack against the building where my trial is being held. Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I certainly appreciate the gesture, but I would certainly hope those idiots were planning to blow the place up while I wasn't actually in there!!!

Besides, I'm sure it would be terribly embarrassing to the present illegal Iraqi government if I got killed before they have a chance to execute me.

I try to keep up with the news the best I can, and one of the ways I do that is to read Iraqi newspapers. There's a lot more of them since this freedom of the press crap has taken hold around here. But don't worry: Once I return to power, I'll personally cure them of that disease.

One thing I have wondered about, though, is why so many of them have been running pro American stories. It's very disturbing, and it's been very distracting during my training for the upcoming intraprison naked human pyramid building championships.

But now it seems we've solved that little mystery: Apparently the U.S. military has been paying local newspapers to print articles favorable to the Americans!

This really shouldn't surprise anyone. As I recall, several cases have surfaced over the last few years where Bush Administration officials were paying off American journalists. First, there was columnist Maggie Gallagher, who was paid to defend Bush's plan to encourage marriage as a way of strengthening families.

Then over in the Agriculture Department, government officials paid a guy to write articles for hunting & fishing magazines praising the department's conservation efforts.

Finally, there was also the case of columnist Armstrong Williams, who was paid by the Department of Education to write favorably about some Bush backed initiatives.

And Bush says this story about Iraqis journalists being paid off threatens to undermine the credibility of the United States?!? HA!!!

One has to have credibility to begin with before it can be undermined.

November saw a substantial reduction in the number of suicide bombings in Iraq.

This shouldn't surprise anyone. With all the other career opportunities out there nowadays, it's hard to keep experienced suicide bombers interested in what's essentially a dead end job.

The White House has released a 35 page document called the "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq."

Well, that certainly sounds like a good idea, but shouldn't someone have thought of that BEFORE the invasion?

Some scientist in Scotland, which is a country filled with infidels north of England, has discovered the fossilized tracks of a huge scorpion which lived 330 million years ago. One has to wonder what this insect's reaction would have been if he had known that not only would someone hundreds of millions of years in the future discover his footprints, but that a guy Saddam would end up blogging about it.

Anyway, the creature is estimated to have measured five feet--almost two meters--in length. That makes it almost a foot longer than the scorpions we have here in Iraq in the present.