American teenagers have a reputation for being, shall we say, "dumb." Compared to others of the same age around the world, American teens are less proficient in math, ignorant of history, clueless in geography, less knowledgeable of current events, and unable to properly put on a pair of pants without the damn things hanging below their butts. So I suppose it really shouldn't come as a surprise that 16 year old Farris Hassan took it upon himself to not only travel to Iraq, but he did it without telling his parents.

If he were my kid, I'd ground his ass till he's 55.

Anyway, Hassan first went to Kuwait City, then took a cab to the border. That turned out to be sealed because of the upcoming elections in Iraq. So he took the cab back to Kuwait City, then argued with the driver over the fare. Hassan then took a plane to Lebanon, and from there caught a flight to Baghdad. He managed to make his way to the green zone where he was finally intercepted by the American military.

Now you may wonder why on Earth anyone would do something this stupid. Evidently he's taking some sort of course "immersion journalism," in which the writer basically becomes his subject. It's not clear if this includes running the risk of being kidnapped by jihadists and having your head chopped off, but apparently that's how this moron interpreted it.

Sounds like a really stupid course, if you ask me. Maybe he should study intelligent design instead. It would still be stupid, but at least it won't get him killed.

As it turns out, some good DID come out of the recent elections after all! Remember that fat slob Ahmed Chalabi? You may recall that he is the one person most responsible for convincing the Americans to invade Iraq. Chalabi thought he could then return to Iraq after a 39 year absence and take over as President.

Well, guess what? Chalabi and his party didn't win even a single seat in the new parliament! Is that funny or what!?!? Apparently the Iraqi citizens didn't appreciate him waltzing in here after almost four decades thinking he could start ordering everyone around!

I guess some good can come out of democracy after all.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I have this sudden, inexplicable craving to get advice from you, my beloved readers. This is rather frightening, especially when one considers that most of you--at least judging from the comments and emails I receive--are incapable of forming a coherent sentence. And don't EVEN get me started on your spelling!!! Seriously, Americans' grammar and spelling skills are almost as bad as their science skills. In fact, I'm guessing that the reason so many of them question evolution is that they simply can't spell the word.

Anyway, I have prepared a new poll asking what sort of compensation I should seek from the United States to ease the emotional trauma inflicted upon me by the illegal invasion of Iraq. You can find the new poll in the left hand column of this page. Feel free to vote. It's perfectly safe, unlike in Iraq, where voting can get you blown up.

The city of Samarra has long been one of the roughest places in Iraq. It's populated by nothing more than criminals. Even back when I was in power I couldn't bring law and order to the place. Things got so bad there that I finally just gave up and ordered a bypass to be built around the stupid city so travelers would be safe. It's really no exaggeration to say that Samarra is nothing more than a wretched hive of scum and villainy.... Yes, much like Mos Eisley Spaceport.

The Americans have learned that the hard way. Their occupation of the city has been marked by repeated bombings, slayings of police officers, and kidnappings. Several times now the infidels have tried to return control of the city to the Iraqis. And each time, the attempt has ended in failure. Then the American soldiers would be forced to move back in to restore some semblance of order. Last summer they went as far as to build an eight foot wall around that hellhole in an attempt to keep the insurgents out.

Well, they are poised to return control of the city to local authorities yet again. The concern is that if the city goes to hell again, it will raise questions about the United States' overall plan for Iraq. After all, if they can't restore lasting order to a single city, how can they possibly do it with an entire country.

I wish the Americans well. After all, I've got a big enough mess to clean up around here once I return to power without having to worry about Samarra.

The American defense minister, Donald Rumsfeld, who I strongly believe has fangs and a forked tail, was in Iraq to serve Christmas dinner to his troops. You'd think he would have stopped by to say hello to me just for old times sake, but he didn't. Rather rude of him, I think.

I'm not entirely sure what this Christmas thing is, but I believe it commemorates the birth of some infidel guy named Jesus some 2000 years ago. Infidels today mark this holy occasion by participating in an orgy of greed, acquisitionhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.spell.gif
Check Spelling, gift giving, and the trampling of the weak and elderly in Wal-Marts.

Well, my trial has been adjourned until January 24 of next year. Hell, at this rate it will be 2017 before it ends.... With my acquittal, of course. And needless to say, I love this judge. He pretty much let's me run the show! Like that stuff about me being tortured by the Americans.... He just let me go on and on about that crap! Those allegations are going to look good in the Arab media.

Did I exaggerate those torture claims? No more than Bush exaggerated the evidence of my weapons of mass destruction. And that's all I'll say about that.

Meanwhile, Rumsfeld has announced that the United States will be withdrawing several thousand soldiers in the coming months. Currently there are about 160,000 of them here, and that number is expected to fall below 138,000 by the end of January.

Well, that's certainly a good start, but it still leaves 138,000 too many.

Well, here's a heavy dose of irony for you: The sissies at today's trial proceedings were complaining about how I used to torture them, or else ordered others to do so. So what? Wasn't American President Bush arguing until recently that the United States should be allowed to torture its prisoners? Why should it be okay for them and not for me? Why do I feel like I'm getting a three foot long, six inch wide dose of double standards shoved up my butt?

And have you heard about how Bush is trying to justify spying on his own citizens? No court order necessary, and no approval by congress. Just his own executive order. In other words, forget the rule of law: The President knows best. Trust him or you'll be branded unpatriotic.

Hmmmm.... Perhaps Bush and I have more in common than I thought!

Vice President Cheney paid a surprise visit to Iraq earlier today, supposedly to see how things were going in general. However, his real reason for coming here was to meet with me to discuss terms of surrender. And all of you are no doubt wondering how that went.

Well, it didn't. I had my secretary tell him that it was rude to show up unannounced like that, especially since I'm such a busy man. Sometimes you just have to show people who's boss!

But between you and me, Cheney scares the hell out of me. You never know what's going on behind that crooked smile of his.

Here's a stunning piece of news: President Bush has accepted responsibility for the invasion of Iraq!!

Well, I'm glad he cleared that up. I thought maybe the Tooth Fairy or one of the seven dwarves was behind it.

For quite a while now Bush has defended his unlawful attack on my peace-loving nation (well, except for the occasional invasion, plunder, and rape of neighboring countries) by pointing out that Congress voted to let him do it. Some critics in Congress, however, have said that they only did so based on the intelligence supplied by the White House, intelligence which may have been "cooked." Bush's people have repeatedly denied this, saying that Congress saw the exact same intelligence that Bush did.

Well, now comes a report that the White House did, in fact, withhold some intelligence reports from Congress.

Okay, so, um, why exactly am I the one on trial?

JibJab has come out with Bush's musical review of 2005. The President is no Springsteen, but he does come close to being a William Hung.

I saw King Kong today, and I have to highly recommend it to all of my stinkin' infidel readers.

Uh, Saddam? How is that possible? Aren't you in prison? Besides, the movie only opened today in the U.S. and New Zealand. How could you have seen it already?

Hey, I have friends in Hollywood. Remember Michael Moore, Alec Baldwin, and that whole bunch? Remember how opposed they were to the war? Well, let's just say I called in a few favors, and thanks to some fortunate timing, I was able to sneak into the wheel well of a C117 transport plane. That's all you need to know. Now shut up and keep reading.

I saw the 1976 version with Jessica Lang shortly after it came out and thought it sucked big time. And as for the original 1933 version, well, I only vaguely remember watching it as a kid on Saturday afternoons in Tikrit on my family's black & white TV. I do recall feeling quite unimpressed by it.

This new version, however, is breathtaking on a number of levels. First of all, the photography is wonderful. I had to close my eyes several times near the end when Kong was at the top of the Empire State Building. Then there's the action, at least once things get rolling. While the first hour or so is a bit on the slow side, the movie REALLY grabs you when they get to Skull Island. And since it's a three hour movie, that will be your last chance to hit the head. After that, you're not going to want to take your eyes off the screen. Finally, the characters are great. You really end up caring about what happens to them.

Kong himself is the product of computer-generated imagery (CGI), yet he is incredibly lifelike. Remember Jar-Jar Binks from Phantom Menace, who was also computer generated? Well, forget him. Kong puts him to shame. The technology of CGI has obviously come a long way in just the last few years.

In fact, that brings up another important difference between (Kong director) Peter Jackson and George Lucas. In the recent Star Wars movies, Lucas used his CGI characters to show off his special effects. But in the end, that's all you really ended up with: A series of pretty pictures. Beyond the wow factor, you really don't give a crap about the people on the screen.

Jackson, on the other hand, is able to use Kong to connect with his audience. You're not just looking at a big ape on that screen, but a creature with real feelings. As a result you identify with him an emotional level. Add to that a terrific performance by Naomi Watts as Ann Darrow, and you're left with one of the most memorable on-screen romances in years. And most importantly, you end up with a real story with real heart. The end result of all this is that by the end of the movie, as Kong makes his last stand on top of the Empire State Building, you find yourself being reduced to tears.

Er, I mean most people would be reduced to tears. Not me, though. I'm too much of a manly man to cry.... Or at least admit to it.

But even before returning to New York--which only constitutes maybe 30 minutes at the end--there are a number of memorable scenes. One in particular was the fight between Kong and a trio of T-Rexes. It puts to shame anything the World Wrestling Federation has ever come up with. Another wonderful scene is after the fight when Kong takes Darrow back to his lair and they watch the sunrise.

Then there's the ice skating scene. Yes, Kong goes ice skating in Central Park after he makes his big escape and is reunited with Darrow. Not only is the sequence amusing, it's genuinely touching.

Of course, it's also too good to last. The American military soon shows up and everything quickly goes to hell. How typical is that? I guess some things never change, eh?

Of course, we all know how it will end. And as Kong slowly slips off the top of the Empire State Building while Darrow caresses his paw, I was reminded of the final goodbye between Jack and Rose in Titanic.... Especially when Kong says "Grow old, Ann, and make lots of babies."

Needless to say, that was somewhat unexpected.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Have you been following the things that have been coming out of the mouth of the new Iranian president? The guy's great!! After he gets out of politics, he should consider a career in standup comedy.

For example, last week he suggested that Israel should be transferred to Europe. Now he was a little sparse on the details, so I'm not sure how that would work. Do you use blowtorches along the border to detach Israel from the rest of the Middle East, then have a series of tugboats tow the entire country across the Mediterranean?

Now he's denying that the holocaust even happened. I love that! I guess Auschwitz is just a cleverly constructed stage prop. Oh, and those old black & white films of starving Jews being liberated from the death camps? Probably concocted by Spielberg with special effects. I mean, have you seen the new King Kong? It's amazing what they can do on film nowadays!

Of course, I hope Israel doesn't go anywhere. The reality is that having a Jewish state in the Mideast is a good thing. It gives us Arab dictators something to bitch and moan about, and to use to fire up the masses! If we leaders didn't have Israel to blame for everything, our citizens might figure out that they live in absolute squalor and start blaming us for their problems!!

Iraq will be holding elections in a couple days, and early voting is already being allowed for people living with a broad. It's also being permitted for Iraqi citizens residing in other countries.

Election officials say they are pleased with how smoothly it's going so far. Well, of course it is. It's the people living in places OTHER than Iraq that are voting at this point! Just wait till Thursday when voting starts here, and the wackos start blowing themselves up. Then we'll see how smoothly things are going.

By the way, where's MY ballot? I certainly wouldn't want to be deprived of my democratic rights.

The guy who is likely to end up as Iraq's next illegitimate Prime Minister has come up with an interesting idea: Let Iraq become a loose alliance of semi-autonomous regions. He says that is best way to end the fighting between the Sunnis, Kurds, and Shiites.

Interesting idea, but not one I would ever allow. While I agree there are differences between the various ethnic groups in the country, breaking up Iraq into some sort of loose alliances is NOT an answer.

The solution to ending the violence and bringing peace to Iraq is quite simple: Kill all the Shiites and Kurds. Yeah, yeah. I know some of you are horrified that I would say something like that, and there's only one thing I have to say to you: You're a bunch of sissies.

If you think about, my idea is absolutely brilliant. I mean, if there's no one left alive, then you have peace, right? The logic is irrefutable. Man, I deserve a Nobel Prize for this one.

Of course, since I no longer have any weapons of mass destruction, it will be a lot tougher to accomplish this admirable goal.

Here's an article that says I'm casting a "long shadow" over the upcoming elections.

If you think that shadow is long now, just wait till I take my pants off!

The key to a nation's foreign policy is spelling and proofreading. Failures in those areas can lead to all sorts of embarrassing mistakes, bad decisions, and even cases of mistaken identity.

For example, you would never want to confuse "Australia" with "Austria." Let's say there's some sort of important summit conference in Sydney. You certainly wouldn't want to fly to Austria for that, now would you? No, of course not, because then all the other world leaders would point and laugh when you finally did show up for the meeting in Australia.

Likewise, you don't want to get screwed up trying to tell the difference between Iraq and Iran. Doing that could lead one to do something incredibly stupid such as, oh, invading the wrong freaking country.

I bring this up only because there currently over 120,000 foreign troops occupying Iraq while Iran is announcing that it is about to restart its production of nuclear fuel.

The Bush administration has rejected fresh calls by the International Red Cross for full access to all detainees. This comes just as American Secretary of State Condi Rice was finishing up her trip to Europe in which she tried to justify the use of those secret prison camps.

It also comes just a week after the fascinating case of Khaled Masri became public. He's the German citizen who was kidnapped by the CIA, held prisoner, and tortured (allegedly). The authorities eventually figured out they had the wrong guy, and that Masri was completely innocent. The Americans, after realizing their screw up, debated what to do with him. In an attempt to cover up their mistake, the ended up dumping the poor SOB on some back road in frikkin' Albania.

You know, if I had pulled that kind of crap the entire world would have been in an uproar, and I would have been hit with all kinds of sanctions and condemnations.

A suicide bomber blew himself up on a bus bound for Nasiriyah, killing 32 people. This is absolutely outrageous!! Suicide bombers on buses now!?! Where the hell do they think they are? Israel?

What's that? Most of the victims were Shiites? Oh.... Well, never mind then.

This trial--er, I mean "unjust court"--is obviously being run by the infidels. They're the ones guarding me and escorting me to the courtroom. I'm wearing an American tailored suit (from JC Penney, by the way). Oh, and Ramsey Clark, a former United States Attorney General, is on my defense team. So heck, why not throw in an American judge, too? This guy would be perfect.

Why is everyone surprised I didn't show up for today's unjust court proceedings? I said yesterday I was going to boycott today's session, didn't I? Did people think I was bluffing? I never, ever bluff.... Well, except when it comes to pretending I have vast stores of weapons of mass destruction.

So I'm just going to sit around my cell today watching DVD's on this little 7" portable player. Ah, I hear many of you screaming about how outrageous that is!! "Saddam is holding up justice for millions of tortured Iraqi citizens while he watches movies on a little DVD player!!" Now calm down before you pop a vein in your forehead.

The thing is, I wholeheartedly agree with you!! It really is unbelievable, isn't it? I deserve one of those 42" plasma HDTV's!! Not a projection unit, however. Those take up too much room. But one of the smaller ones that will hang on a wall of my cell would be nice. Right across from the metal toilet so I have a place to sit would be perfect. Oh, and let's not forget the surround sound system. One of those little Bose systems would be perfect given the limited amount of space I have to work with.

In fact, the next time I throw a hissy fit in the courtroom about this stupid trial, and not being able to shower on a daily basis, and not having a change of clothes, I think I'll throw in the demand for the TV.... I'll even hold out for a Sony. They're the best. None of that Samsung crap for me.

Some of you are bothered by my repeated outbursts in court, and wonder if it's hurting my chances. Well, while I certainly appreciate your concerns, I would like to assure you that it's all part of my well-crafted legal strategy.

You see, while my attorneys quibble over the fine points of various legal technicalities, my demeanor is aimed squarely at my many supporters. They find it reassuring to see that while I may be imprisoned, shackled, reduced to asking for permission to go to the bathroom, and forced to engage in naked human pyramid building, I'm also still very much in charge of Iraq.

Hey, if Bush can be delusional, why can't I?

Why do people seem surprised that I am being so "defiant" at my trial? Well, what do they expect? Should I just roll over and play dead? Cry like a baby? Whimper a lot? Beg for mercy?

I can assure you none of that will happen.

Need I point out once again that the whole reason I was invaded was to find those weapons of mass destruction. And once it became apparent I didn't have any, didn't that render the invasion illegal? In the United States when someone is arrested for possessing cocaine, then is later found to not have any drugs, is he not released? Of course he is!! The authorities don't go digging into his background, and then charge him for hiding in the cheerleaders' lockeroom back in high school!

So then why am I being tried for a massacre that happened in 1991? That's not what the invasion was about.

Changing the rules halfway through a game hardly seems fair. After all, if the Chicago Bears are playing the Miami Dolphins in a football game, you never see the referee suddenly stop everything halfway through the third quarter, hand everyone a bat, and announce that the rest of the game will be played as baseball! But if that ever did happen, don't you think the coaches of each team would be just a bit "defiant?" Of course they would be! And the referee would be locked up for being a nutcase!!!

Well, it's back to court for me in a few hours. And quite frankly, I'm getting worried. Word is that a Sunni group was planning to launch a rocket attack against the building where my trial is being held. Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I certainly appreciate the gesture, but I would certainly hope those idiots were planning to blow the place up while I wasn't actually in there!!!

Besides, I'm sure it would be terribly embarrassing to the present illegal Iraqi government if I got killed before they have a chance to execute me.

I try to keep up with the news the best I can, and one of the ways I do that is to read Iraqi newspapers. There's a lot more of them since this freedom of the press crap has taken hold around here. But don't worry: Once I return to power, I'll personally cure them of that disease.

One thing I have wondered about, though, is why so many of them have been running pro American stories. It's very disturbing, and it's been very distracting during my training for the upcoming intraprison naked human pyramid building championships.

But now it seems we've solved that little mystery: Apparently the U.S. military has been paying local newspapers to print articles favorable to the Americans!

This really shouldn't surprise anyone. As I recall, several cases have surfaced over the last few years where Bush Administration officials were paying off American journalists. First, there was columnist Maggie Gallagher, who was paid to defend Bush's plan to encourage marriage as a way of strengthening families.

Then over in the Agriculture Department, government officials paid a guy to write articles for hunting & fishing magazines praising the department's conservation efforts.

Finally, there was also the case of columnist Armstrong Williams, who was paid by the Department of Education to write favorably about some Bush backed initiatives.

And Bush says this story about Iraqis journalists being paid off threatens to undermine the credibility of the United States?!? HA!!!

One has to have credibility to begin with before it can be undermined.

November saw a substantial reduction in the number of suicide bombings in Iraq.

This shouldn't surprise anyone. With all the other career opportunities out there nowadays, it's hard to keep experienced suicide bombers interested in what's essentially a dead end job.

The White House has released a 35 page document called the "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq."

Well, that certainly sounds like a good idea, but shouldn't someone have thought of that BEFORE the invasion?

Some scientist in Scotland, which is a country filled with infidels north of England, has discovered the fossilized tracks of a huge scorpion which lived 330 million years ago. One has to wonder what this insect's reaction would have been if he had known that not only would someone hundreds of millions of years in the future discover his footprints, but that a guy Saddam would end up blogging about it.

Anyway, the creature is estimated to have measured five feet--almost two meters--in length. That makes it almost a foot longer than the scorpions we have here in Iraq in the present.

As I'm sure you're all aware, I had another court appearance yesterday, and some of you are questioning the wisdom of my berating the judge. You raise a good point, so let me answer your question with a question of my own: Are you completely out of your minds!?!?! Do you have any idea what happens to people who question my decisions? Do you have any idea how painful electrodes attached to your testicles can be? Or would you prefer to be hung from the ceiling by your nipples?

Good. I'm glad we settled that particular issue.

Besides, what's the judge going to do about it? Nothing. I mean, how many of you honestly believe this guy is going to live long enough to render judgment against me? The mortality rate among officials--especially judges--of the current temporary government of Iraq is only slightly higher than that of a poor black American trapped in New Orleans during a category 5 hurricane. On the other hand, at least Bush cares about the Iraqi officials.

Why, just the other day, eight Sunnis were arrested for plotting the assassination of the clown who prepared the case against me. And let's not forget the two lawyers working on behalf of my co-defendants who've gotten whacked in the last few weeks.

Let's face it: If you're a lawyer or judge involved in this case, your odds of finding someone to sell you life insurance are about the same as buying flood insurance for your house in New Orleans.

Thanksgiving is a major holiday among the infidel Americans, and Bush is spending the week at his Texas ranch. But at least he's not lonely, as over one hundred anti-war protesters are camped nearby.

In addition to turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and a hot buttered roll, Bush has a number of problems on his plate as well. His approval ratings continue to hover below 40%. The only thing keeping him from going even lower are his fellow Republicans, 80% of whom think the President is doing a great job. Apparently these people admire liars who lead them into war using exaggerated claims and with absolutely no idea of what needs to be done once a country is occupied.

While Bush doesn't have to worry about reelection, his party members in congress do. And even though those elections are still almost a year off, they are beginning to sweat bullets. And the fact that a number of them may be caught up in a series of corruption investigations doesn't help.

The foreign minister of occupied Iraq, Hoshiyar Zebari, has finally responded to all the talk about countries withdrawing their troops. He says--apparently with a straight face--that such a withdrawal would lead to violence in Iraq.

What? Violence here in Iraq? Well, that would certainly be a shame. After all, the place has been so peaceful since the Americans arrived!

Now the German intelligence service has weighed in with accusations that Bush exaggerated claims by an alleged informant, claims that were used to justify the invasion. According to the Krauts, an Iraqi defector codenamed "Curveball" was the source of allegations that we had stockpiles biological weapons. The Germans say they warned the Americans that this "Curveball" fellow had "emotional and mental problems," and that his claims were unverifiable.

Well, that's just great. Not only does Bush talk to God, but he listens to wackos who have unresolved issues with their mothers!?!?!

So I guess that means that hundreds of billions of dollars have gone down the toilet, thousands of people have died, and Iraq has been plunged into civil war all because some guy didn't take his Prozac.

One of the big debates in the United States right now--or at least what I hear is one the big debates, because I'm Saddam and I'm writing this blog from an undisclosed location in or near Baghdad, which means there is no truth to the rumor that it is actually being written by a 17 year old varsity cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York--is whether an immediate withdrawal from Iraq would be disastrous. Let me be the first to say that no, it would not be. Please leave. Now. I'll even warm up the plane for you. Good-bye. It's been real and it's been fun, but too bad it hasn't been real fun. Adios. Hasta la vista, baby, and don't be back any time soon.

On the other hand, I'll be the first to admit that my opinion might be just a wee bit biased in the matter.

So let's instead turn to William Odom. He is a retired infidel General, and he has written an interesting piece on why it is in the best interests of the United States to leave NOW. But what makes his take on the matter interesting is that he has actually taken the Bush Administration's reasons as to why an immediate withdrawal would be bad, and turned them into arguments for leaving ASAP.

Odom goes on to say that "the invasion of Iraq may well turn out to be the greatest strategic disaster in American history."

I agree, and I'm humbled to be part of it.

Some of the stuff that continues to come out about Bush is downright scary. I mean, people thought I was a nutjob!?! I pale in comparison to the President.

Now there are reports in a London newspaper that Bush had wanted to bomb the offices of Al-Jazeera in Qatar!!! Can you believe that!?!?

According to the report in The Daily Mirror, Bush brought up the subject during a 2004 meeting with Tony Blair. The British Prime Minister, being somewhat saner, talked Bush out of the idea. The Mirror based its report on a memo that was leaked to the press.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan basically said the idea was ridiculous. On the other hand, McClellan also assured everyone a year ago that no one in the Administration had anything to do with the outing of that CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

Not that I'm questioning McClellan's credibility or anything....

Pressure on Bush to begin withdrawing his occupying forces has been growing over the last several weeks. The American public increasingly wants their soldiers home, and calls are mounting in Congress as well.

Now another voice has joined the chorus to get the Americans out of Iraq, and this one comes from a surprising source: The current Iraqi government! The communique, which was prepared not only by Sunnis but Kurds and Shiites as well, says it is time to establish a timetable for withdrawal of foreign forces from the country.

It stops short of calling for my return to power, but I'm sure that's only a matter of time.

Things are getting increasingly nasty in Washington. Now Vice President Cheney has gone on the attack, accusing the anti-war critics of being "dishonest" and "reprehensible," and engaging in shameless behavior.

Both Bush and Cheney have recently attacked their Democratic critics, pointing out that many of them voted in favor of the war. Well, yes, that's true, but they also based their decisions to do so on intelligence supplied by the White House. The question at hand is whether that intelligence was honest, or if only the intelligence backing the Bush Administration's accusations was passed along to the Congress while contradictory information was conveniently left out.

But forget about the intelligence for a moment. That's almost beside the point, because there's an even more important issue that's being overlooked in this debate: What the hell went wrong with the post-war planning? There were plenty of people saying--even before the war began--that more troops would be needed to properly secure the country. Why were those voices ignored?

And before Cheney offers any more criticism of the anti-war critics, shouldn't he explain why the American troops weren't greeted with flowers?

President Bush has been in Asia for the past week. He paid visits to Japan, China, South Korea, and Mongolia.

Hmmm.... The war's been over for 30 years, and Bush STILL won't go to Vietnam!

In another major setback for Bush, a major democratic congressional supporter of the war has now called for a withdrawal of American forces from Iraq. The congressman, John P. Murtha of Pennsylvania, says the troops are demoralized and poorly equipped. He went on to describe Bush's war as "a flawed policy wrapped in illusion."

Unlike many of his fellow Democrats, Murtha has the credentials to speak out on military matters. He served in the marines, and received two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star while in Vietnam. He later became the first Vietnam vet to be elected to Congress.

Republicans wasted no time in lashing out at Murtha. They predictably accused the Democrats of siding with terrorists. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said of Murtha's speech, "Murtha and Democratic leaders have adopted a policy of cut and run. They would prefer that the United States surrender to the terrorists who would harm innocent Americans."

Well, maybe so. But let's also keep in mind that there were no terrorists in Iraq until after the invasion.... And that Iraq had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks.... And that there were no Iraqis among the 19 hijackers.

Bush himself responded to Murtha's comments by calling politicians who dare question him and his policies "dishonest and reprehensible."

And Murtha had a wonderful response to that: "I like guys who got five deferments and [have] never been there and send people to war, and then don't like to hear suggestions about what needs to be done." He was referring to the fact that Cheney did not serve in the military (he received a deferment), and that Bush was an Air National Guardsman who did not leave the United States during the Vietnam War.

Remember those triple hotel bombings in Jordan last week? Among those killed was Moustapha Akkad. If the name rings a bell, that's because he produced the "Halloween" movies. Akkad's 34 year old daughter was also killed in the blasts.

Remember a couple of months ago when the Americans launched the big attack on Tall Afar to clean out the insurgents? Some colonel said at the time that the city was being used as a base of operations by foreigners coming across the border from Syria. "They come across the border and use Tall Afar as a base to launch attacks across northern Iraq," he said.

Well, after questioning over 1,000 prisoners, identifying the fighters killed, and conducting a number of other analyses, it has been determined that a grand total of--drumroll, please--NO foreign fighters were caught or killed.

Hmmm.... So much for the theory that foreigners were causing all the problems in Iraq.

Well, now Dick Cheney has lashed out at the growing chorus of Iraq war critics. He especially targeted Democratic Senators who had previously voted for the war, but are now opposing it. The Vice President accused them of trying to "rewrite history."

Huh? They're trying to rewrite history?!? What a load of camel crap!!!! Mr. Cheney forgets that this war was supposed to be about eliminating my weapons of mass destruction and severing my ties to Al Qaeda. It wasn't until it became apparent that I had NO WMD's or meaningful ties to Osama that the war suddenly became about spreading democracy across the middle east.

Before Cheney accuses someone else of rewriting the past, perhaps he should check his own diary.

This is absolutely outrageous. Americans raided a defense ministry building run by the current Iraqi government and discovered 173 victims of torture. Most were malnourished, some showed physical signs of abuse, and one prisoner had even developed polio. The victims, who were Sunnis, were being held and abused by the Shiites running the facility!!

It once again demonstrates that the Americans don't have a clue about what's really going in Iraq, and that the current government is populated by thugs.

Such treatment of detainees runs against all accepted norms of international behavior, and violates a number of treaties. It is morally, spiritually, and legally reprehensible and completely indefensible. There is absolutely no way that such a thing can be justified. The Shiites responsible for this horror must be held to account for it.

Granted, we Sunnis used to do the exact same thing to the Shiites when I was in charge, but that was okay.

Did you hear about this chick they arrested in Jordan? She's the wife of one of the suicide bombers that hit the hotels a few days ago. Turns out she was supposed to participate as well, except her explosives-laden vest failed to blow up.

Now that's gotta be humiliating. You're given one task: Go blow yourself up. That should be fairly simple, shouldn't it? And quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to read that she's Iraqi! The article doesn't say, but my guess is that she's a Shiite. Those morons can't do anything right.

I would love to talk to her. Maybe dinner and a movie. Coffee afterwards. Then I'd walk her to her door and sneak a kiss. And if she doesn't slap the crap out of me at that point, I guess we'll both engage in a little, er, "horizontal action," if you catch my drift.

Remind me to get the hell out of there before she achieves an "explosive" orgasm, though.

And what's her motive, anyway? Male martyrs blow themselves up in an effort to spend eternity with those 72 virgins (and I'm assuming every suicide bomber gets a fresh set of virgins). But what about the female bombers? What are they hoping for? To spend eternity with 72 male virgins? How much fun can that be, getting stuck with some 15 year old kid who'll have to go home early to finish his homework? Besides, if a woman wants to sleep with 72 guys, doesn't that make her a slut? And aren't sluts denied access to paradise?

Seems like a regular catch 22 to me.

Needless to say, I chortled with glee when Lewis Libby was indicted by that grand jury a few weeks ago. But even at the time, I doubted if he was the one really responsible for leaking the name of that CIA operative.

Now new information is beginning to surface that increasingly suggests Vice President Dick Cheney as being the mastermind behind the whole thing, and Libby is merely taking the fall for him.

Investigators have found that the three suicide bombers that hit that country a few days ago were all non-Jordanians.

It's like Pat Buchanan once said: Those damn foreigners are nothing but trouble.

I must confess to be somewhat ignorant. Just what is this "Al Qaeda in Iraq" group trying to prove, anyway? If they want to convince the Americans to go home so I can return to power and bring those uppity Shiites back under control, fine. Proceed. Go right ahead. Don't let me stop you.

But blowing people up in Jordan? How does that help my current situation? And killing Muslims at a wedding party!?!? What the f*ck is Zarqawi thinking? That is NOT the way to win over your fellow Muslims.

And I don't mean to belabor the point, but if Bush had kept after the guy who killed 3,000 Americans on 9/11, maybe Osama wouldn't still be on the loose and inspiring morons like Zarqawi.

A couple of days after my last appearance in that kangaroo court, the attorney for one of my co-defendants was killed. Now comes word that another lawyer associated with our defense was shot to death by gunmen yesterday, and a second one wounded.

How the hell are we supposed to get fair trials if our lawyers keep getting knocked off!?!

This country would be a hell of a lot safer if someone--anyone--were in charge.

Today's lesson, boys and girls and--yes--stinkin' infidels, is about the importance of timing.

Good timing is a wonderful thing. It enables soccer players to score points by kicking the ball at just the right moment to get it past defenders. It enables you to score with a babe when you slip your arm around her during a scary scene while watching "Scream XXIV." And it enables despots to elude United Nations inspectors by constantly moving their illegal arms from one location to another.... Though, of course, I wouldn't know anything about that.

And as an example of bad timing, let's say you're the President of the United States of America. You've just had a really bad week, with Supreme Court nominees coming under fire, aids being indicted, fresh allegations about manipulating intelligence to justify a war, revelations that the CIA is running secret prisons around the world, and polls showing that 65% of the American public would rather walk everywhere than buy a used car from you.

So in an effort to regain the moral high ground, you announce that the United States does NOT torture its prisoners. No sooner do you this, and what happens? Fresh allegations that army Rangers punched and kicked detainees in Iraq.

Yup, it's all about the timing.

Evidence that the Bush Administration intentionally distorted intelligence continues to mount. The latest smoking gun to surface is a document prepared by American military intelligence in early 2002. It warned that a suspect who had been supplying information on Iraq's ties to Al Qaeda had been lying. Yet Bush went public with the man's accusations to justify the upcoming invasion of Iraq, and Colin Powell also cited the same information when he gave his presentation at the United Nations.

And I'm the one about to go on trial?!?!?!?!?!

The riots in France continue to worsen, and have now claimed their first life. The unrest began almost two weeks ago when three Muslim youths were fleeing police. They apparently decided that climbing into an electrical substation filled with cables carrying thousands of volts would be a good way to hide. What seemed like a good idea quickly went south, however, and two of them were killed. The third survived with serious burns.

France does not deserve this. I have been friends with Jacques Chirac for a long time, and on occasion we have even shared wine and hookers. And when Bush was clamoring to invade me three years ago, Chirac was a voice of moderation. For my fellow Muslims to treat their host country--a country which went out of its way to help me evade UN sanctions--this way is outrageous and just plain ill-mannered. It's even worse than eating with your elbows on the table.

And quite frankly, whose fault is it that these youths got themselves electrocuted? I mean, I had some close calls during the nine months the Americans were looking for me, but I never climbed onto high tension wires to elude them! Perhaps it's just the wisdom that comes with age, but I realized that doing that would be an incredibly bad idea.

As if Bush doesn't already have enough problems, now comes word that the CIA has a secret prison in eastern Europe. Oh, and the best part is that this jail is actually an old Soviet era facility, which makes the whole story positively reek of irony.

This is in violation of all sorts of human rights treaties, and now the European Union has launched an investigation into the allegations.

I just hope they don't stick Bush in the same cell with me.

In what can only be described as good news, President Bush's approval ratings in the United States continue to sink faster than the Titanic.

According to the latest survey by The Washington Post and ABC News, only 39% of his fellow citizens approve of his job performance while 60% disapprove. Even worse, only 40% of Americans view Bush as "honest and trustworthy," while 58% doubt his integrity.

Wow.... Bush's poll numbers are almost as bad as my own!

Perhaps due to some sort of unprecedented genetic mutation, Democracts in the United States Senate have suddenly developed enormous cojones and finally stood up to the Republican majority. In a rarely used move, they have forced the chamber into a rare closed session and are demanding an investigation into the reasons the U.S. invaded Iraq.

Their move was prompted by last week's indictment of that Lewis "Scooter" Libby guy who, with Vice President Cheney, was one of the principle architects of the war. Many view that indictment as merely the tip of an iceberg, and that further investigation will reveal the Bush Administration deliberately misled the American public into the war.

So when do I get my pardon?

Two years ago, to mark Halloween, I related the frightening but true story of the Headless Camelman of Fallujah. Having nothing better to do today except laugh at Bush's mounting problems, I decided to take a break from that and retell the Camelman story. I must reiterate that this is all true.... It also serves to explain why the people of Fallujah are so loyal to little ol' me. Enjoy.

The Legend of Camelman

When I was growing up, and even as a young, studly man baggin' babes left and right, I used to hear stories about some half-man, half-camel creature known as "Camelman." Supposedly this beast prowled the desert of northwestern Iraq, occassionally feasting on unsuspecting good looking teenagers foolishly caught in the throes of unbridled hormonal passion. But I, as all other well educated Iraqi citizens (both of them) dismissed the tales as fables concocted by superstitious villagers to keep the kids in line. However, I would soon learn that it was I who was ignorant....

It was late 1973 when I was on a date with Barbara Streisand. We were in the backseat of my brand new Chevy Vega while parked at the Tikrit Drive-In Cinema and Drafthouse. All of a sudden, Babs jumped up and said she thought she heard something.

Well, I'm busy rounding third base and heading for home plate, so of course I'm going to tell her that I didn't hear anything, so please put your hand back where it was.

No sooner did I start to slide in for the score, that the car began rocking back & forth, up and down, and side to side. Meanwhile, Barbara's screaming at the top of her lungs, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD...." Needless to say I was feeling pretty darn proud of my performance.... Or at least I was until I realized I wasn't the one rocking the car... OR Barbara!

I looked up only to see some hideous apparition with a furry face, big ears, and a great big hump on his back clawing at the windows! Well, I immediately yelled and reached for my gun, but the man-beast galloped off into the night before I could shoot my load.

Er, the load in my gun, I mean.

So a few years later, after I had come to power, I kept hearing the tales about Camelman. The beast continued to terrorize the people in the area between Baghdad, Tikrit, and Fallujah, and my fellow Sunnis were begging me to help. Of course, my aids all thought these people were nuts, and I couldn't let on that I knew the stories were true. Plus, we were at war with Iran, so I couldn't just order my generals to go chasing after some myth. Well, I guess I could have, but then they'd start talking behind my back, and I'd have to launch a purge, and execute dozens of previously loyal underlings. And going into a war, I frankly didn't need the distraction.

So in September of '81 I recruited 18 students from Baghdad's Kadhimya High School to go look for Camelman. Well, except I kind of lied. First time in my life, too. I told them it was part of some sort of science project. I calculated that if they disappeared, then I'd have an excuse to send military units up there to search for them.... And for anything else... "suspicious."

Needless to say, they vanished without a trace.

So I began sending army units into the area. But they, too, would either disappear entirely, or else turn up dead and horribly mutilated.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to fight a frikkin' war with Iran, so my resources were somewhat limited. Yet, I also couldn't just ignore the Camelman problem. If he had been victimizing Kurds or Shiites, I wouldn't have given a crap. But this... "thing" was eating my fellow Sunni Muslims! We were already a minority of the population, so I could ill afford to keep losing supporters. Plus, I shrewdly realized that if I got rid of Camelman once and for all, the people of the "Sunni Triangle" would be forever indebted to me. After all, one never knows when one might need to go into hiding for an extended period of time....

So the last week of October, I decided to go after Camelman myself. Nothing happened the first few nights, but on the 31st, I heard a strange noise outside my tank. I peeked outside, and sure enough, it was HIM!!!

But before I could react, Camelman ripped the main barrel right off the turret and ate it. Hoping for reinforcements, I immediatly started driving towards Fallujah with him right behind me. Then, on the outskirts of the city, the stupid tank ran out of gas! I scrambled out the safety hatch just as he began tearing the turret to shreds. I bravely began lobbing grenades at the creature, but Camelman just ate those as well. I tried firing a few mortar rounds at him, but he was still hungry.

I briefly toyed with the idea of taming Camelman and starting an animal act in Vegas, but that dream disappeared in a puff of reality when the beast devoured my machine gun. It was at this point, seemingly face to face with the instrument of my death, that I vowed to never again be caught without a supply of weapons of mass destruction.

My eyes gaught the gleam of my sword amid the tattered remains of my tank. It had only recently been forged from special steel in Japan by a retired Samurai Master. And for the skeptics among you, I'm actually quite good with a sword. Who do you think taught Uma Thurman her technique in Kill Bill? That's right; it was me! Back when the two of us were dating, of course.

But I digress....

In a bold move, I somersaulted over the creature's head, performing a dramatic slow-motion triple backflip in midair for no discernable reason except that it looked really cool, and landed behind Camelman. He swung at me wildly with his tail, but I deftly avoided it by cartwheeling across the ground. In one smooth move I grabbed my sword, lept to my feet, and ran up the wall of a nearby three story building to the roof. From there. I saw a telephone cable directly over the now thoroughly confused creature's head and jumped. Grabbing the cable with one hand and holding the sword in the other, I sliced through the thick wire like it was butter. I swung down towards Camelman, and blindly swung the blade.

As I landed in a cloud of dust just down the street, I turned just in time to see the beast's head fall to the ground and roll down a storm drain. The rest of the body stood there motionless for a moment, then toppled forward and landed with a dull thud in the dirt.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of Camelman.

Epilogue

Stories persist to this day that the ghost of Camelman appears every Halloween and wanders the streets of Fallujah searching for his missing head. However, in 22 years, there has never been another documented attack by the creature.

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Wonderful news out of the United States! Vice President Cheney's top aid, Lewis Libby, was indicted yesterday on charges of perjury. Libby lied under oath and deliberately tried to mislead investigators who were looking into the leaking of a CIA agent's name. This agent--whose name I won't mention here because I don't want to get myself in trouble... well, more trouble than I'm already in--is married to Joe Wilson. Wilson, you may recall, was the guy who went to Niger to investigate those claims that I had been buying yellow cake uranium. When he decided that the whole thing was a scam, he went public with his doubts, thereby embarrassing the President.

So this whole thing gets down to the trumped up reasons for attacking Iraq, and the efforts by Bush's people to get revenge against anyone who dared question the Administration.

And I'm the one who's on trial!?!? Give me a break!

One would think that a country as powerful as the United States, so quick to impose freedom on the rest of the world, and claiming to be so proud of its military, would treat its soldiers like heroes, right? That would seem perfectly reasonable, wouldn't it?

Well, you would be wrong.

A Michigan woman recently traveled to Indiana to see her husband off to war. Any loving spouse would do the same, since this may well be the last time the two of them ever see each other again. As reward for her own efforts--as well as her husband's sacrifice--Suzette Boler was fired by her employer, some company called Benefit Management Administrators, Inc.

Some benefits package, eh?

The American military death toll has now hit 2000 in Iraq, and President Bush says more are certain to follow. The American people, on the other hand, are becoming increasingly skeptical about Bush's war.

And what does the President have to show for it? Not much. Iraq is in complete disarray, and much of Europe is genuinely worried that the country is turning into the world's newest terrorist breeding ground.

And need I point out that this is happening in a country that did not have terrorists before? A country that had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks? A country that had NONE of its citizens among the 19 hijackers (Indeed, 15 of the 19 were Saudis, and the leader of the plot was an Egyptian)? A country which has now become fragmented and descended to the brink of civil war?

But Bush says that it is better to fight the terrorists here rather than the streets of America. Does that mean that the thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians that have died as a result of the terror attacks here--attacks we didn't have until Bush butted into our internal affairs--are some how less valuable than American citizens?

Um, okay, don't answer that last one.

As it stands now, Bush's policies have only increased anger and resentment throughout the Arab world. Sure, there are thousands terrorists flocking to Iraq to fight. But the only reason they're becoming terrorists in the first place is because there are Americans occupying the country. If it weren't for that, these so-called "terrorists" would still be tending to their goats in Syria or Jordan.

Many of you are probably wondering how the Iraqi people feel about my trial. Well, most are probably torn. On the one hand, most are glad to see that I'm out of power. Yet many of those same people also miss the strict sense of discipline I used to impose upon the country.

It's kind of like a teenager: They claim to hate their parents, and insist they would be better off without them. Yet these same kids also welcome the sense of limits parents impose upon them.... Including the occasional dope slap upside their 15 year old heads.

A perfect case in point is Hassan Alwan Saad, who is the mayor of a small town north of Baghdad:

“He was a great president,” said Saad, 50, as images of Saddam's trial flashed on a small television. “He was a dictator. He did bad things to his people. But he was able to control the whole country. Today, everything is out of control.”

Saad obviously recognizes that sometimes you have to take the bad with the good.

A similar comment came from Raed Mahmoud:

"Iraqis would be more critical of the former regime if life were better today."

Indeed. With all the power outages that now plague the country, one has to wonder just how many people were even able to view my hearing the other day.

A rat on some island near New Zealand evaded capture by scientists for 18 weeks.

So what? I evaded capture by the entire American army for 25 weeks!!!

Er, not that I'm comparing myself to a rat, of course.

Did you see me in court yesterday? I was pretty impressive, wasn't I? Especially when that stupid judge asked me if I was guilty of killing all those people. Well, of course not!!! What an idiotic question!!! What kind of moron would even ask such a thing!?!? Then again, he was a Kurd, which explains a lot.

I started to kick those two guards asses, but then I decided to back off. I didn't want to embarrass them on worldwide TV.

Congratulations to Mohamed ElBaradei and the International Atomic Energy Agency for winning this year's Nobel Peace Prize. I'm sure President Bush was disappointed, not only for failing to get nominated, but for the choice of a final winner as well.

The Bush Administration had long been seeking to have ElBaradei removed from his position. The trouble started back in 2003 during the run-up to the unlawful, illegal, and highly irregular invasion of my peace-loving sovereign nation. Bush and his people kept insisting I had a highly advanced nuclear weapons program, while the IAEA said there was no proof of it. And I think by now, the entire stinkin' world knows who turned out to be right on that little point, eh?

More recently, ElBaradei's agency has been locking horns with Bush over how to best handle the nukes program in Iran. And despite the tremendous amount of international respect that Bush has earned in recent years (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!) ElBaradei has been mostly winning that argument.

Well, I better get to bed. I've got a big day tomorrow.

The U.S. State Department says that my upcoming trial will close a "dark chapter" in the history of Iraq.

What a load of camel crap!!! Until the Americans figure out how to keep the electricity on in Baghdad and the rest of the country, that darkness isn't going anywhere.

Well, voting on the new constitution is continuing. I'm disappointed to report that so far there has been no massive loss of life.

On the other hand, turnout in the Sunni regions appears to be light while in the Shiite areas it is very heavy. This bodes well for continuous political infighting and childish bickering in the future.... Kind of like of like the Democrats and the Republicans in the United states.

I gotta hand it to those nutty insurgents: The day before the big vote on the new, temporary Iraqi constitution (temporary because I plan to make paper airplanes out of it the moment I return to power) they knocked out a major power transmission line leading to Baghdad and plunged the whole city into darkness! It's so bad, in fact, that I'm being forced to post this entry by candlelight!

The outage won't interfere with the voting directly since they are using paper ballots. It does, however, send a major message about the sad state of affairs in the country.

President Bush recently held a much publicized "conversation with U.S. troops" in Iraq. The teleconferenced question and answer session was intended to show the American people that things here are going wonderfully well despite the occasional car bombing that kills a hundred innocent women and children.

Now it turns out that not only was the whole thing staged, but the questions and answers were rehearsed as well.

Quick! Go to Google, type in the word failure, and click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

There's another round of elections coming up this Saturday, and I have been given permission to vote in them. Some people are surprised by this, but they really shouldn't be. After all, it's not like I've been convicted of anything.... Yet.

On the other hand, I'm yet to decide IF I will vote. After all, if my name isn't on the ballot, what's the point? And I'm certainly not inclined to vote for anyone else since that would only give a false claim of legitimacy to this foolish talk of democracy for Iraq.

Most importantly, I'm afraid I might embarrass myself. You see, while I've voted plenty of times in past elections, my name's always been the ONLY one on the ballot. That certainly makes things a lot easier when it comes to determining a winner. And with only one name to pick from, it's not like I have to stand there and make up my mind. But now, with all these different people to pick from, I don't know if I could handle the stress.

On the other hand, by voting I'll get to see who's running. That will give me an idea of who to arrest and torture once I return to power.

Have you seen that video of the New Orleans police officers beating up the unarmed drunk guy? I've watched it over and over several times now, and it's very exciting!! Kind of makes me miss the good old days....

But you know what's not fair? If that same incident had happened here in Iraq back when I running the place, and a videotape of it had gotten out, the entire world would have been all over me like stink on camel crap. The United Nations would have been slapping me with even more damn sanctions, Amnesty International would have been condemning me for human rights violations, and the Americans would be screaming for my removal from power.

Careful what you wish for you, eh?

I have just heard the most revolting tale imaginable. It's about a guy in South Africa, Mark Scott-Crossley, who attacked one of his farmhands with a machete, seriously injuring him. He then tied up the wounded man and threw him into an enclosure filled with lions. The poor soul was torn to pieces and eaten by the wild animals.

And what crime did this poor victim commit, you may ask, that was deserving of such a brutal punishment? Well, supposedly it was because he ran a personal errand while on the clock. But his REAL offense, however, was that he was.... Black.

What is this world coming to, killing a man solely because of the color of his skin? What kind of narrow-minded ignorant bigot would carry out such a heinous, unprovoked crime? Crossley has been sentenced to life in prison, but he's getting off easy. If it had been up to me I would have sentenced him to same punishment he inflicted on the poor black man.

Now if the guy had been a Shiite, well, then Crossley would have deserved a medal.