This is an absolute outrage!!! A British soldier has been arrested for torturing Iraqis!!! How dare he?!?! I want to see this man hauled before the World Court, tried for war crimes, and then executed for the morally repugnant acts he has perpetrated on my people!!!!!

After all, torturing Iraqis is MY job!!

Newttheboot, presumably no relation to gingrichthegrinch, writes: Dear Saddam, Fox News reports that your dead son Uday is attempting to negotiate his surrender to the US forces. More distrurbing, however, is their statement about you where they say: "the deposed leader is in questionable mental health." Of course, we are all very concerned. Would you care to comment? Best regards, Newton (Not a Shiite).

Yes, Newt, I am aware of those erroneous reports. They actually originated with the the New York Times, which explains why they are completely false. I would like to assure all my many supporters and fellow members of the Michael Moore Fan Club that Uday is still mostly dead, and that there are no problems with my mental health. I'm every bit as insane as I ever was, and still prone to violent outbursts of anger during which I kill everyone around me. Perhaps you are confusing me with another evil murderous despot, Idi Amin. Now he IS crazy SOB. It's that Syphillis of his, which has been eating away at his brain for decades now.

Now let ME ask YOU a question, Mr.Newttheboot: What in Allah's name are you doing watching Fox News?!? Are YOU crazy. or are you going to blame your unforgivable actions on Mad Cow Disease caught from eating Canadian beef?!? Unless you IMMEDIATELY correct this aberrant behavior, I shall have to come over to your house and dump a bucketful of scorpions down the front of your shorts. Those people on Fox are all warmongers!! Especially those psychopaths Geraldo and Bill O'Reilly. I don't know what their problem is. Maybe they have Syphillis.

I will admit, however, that I do sometimes sneak a peak at Fox when that Greta Van Susteren is on. Now she's one HOT babe! Maybe I should get the number of her plastic surgeon.... Anyway, she's hotter than a flaming pile of Shiites in the desert under the noonday sun! But I bet Greta smells better.

So please, PLEASE.... Only Al-Jazeera from now on. Okay?

The Americans keep harping on the fact that they have brought liberty to Iraq. HA!!! Here's a perfect example of how the Shiites plan to handle liberty if someone doesn't hurry up and do something about them NOW, before it's too late:







That Liberty chick's a rather hot lookin' babe, if I might say so myself....

HA! HA! HA! I'm laughing so hard at this story I'm going to pee my pants! HA! HA! HA!

Donald Rumsfeld, the American Secretary of Invading Hordes, seems to think I destroyed my many millions of (alleged) weapons of mass destruction!

DUH!!!

I can see how this military genius has earned his reputation! Can't pull anything over on him!!

Of course, this is by no means an admission that I had such weapons in the first place, which maybe I did or maybe I didn't. I'm not saying one way or another. I'm just putting forth a wacky hypothesis that IF I had HAD WMDs, then I destroyed them the afternoon of March 16th. Er, of course I mean I WOULD HAVE destroyed them the afternoon of March 16th.... IF I had them.... Which I didn't..... Maybe.

I will admit, however, that I find it WILDLY ironic that the US army has been unearthing the exact same items at its Fort Dietrick in Maryland, including Anthrax, vials of bacteria, and assorted nerve agents. Apparently the army "forgot" they had buried those items there back in the early '70's. They blame the oversight on "sloppy paperwork."

Excuse me?!?! I tried using that "sloppy paperwork" thing as an excuse, and it got me invaded! Talk about a double standard!! Where's Hans Blix when I really need him?!? And sanctions! I want sanctions imposed!

If you think about it, it would be highly amusing to see international sanctions imposed on the US. Someone would have to keep an eye on the French, though. They may be lovable, but you can't trust 'em worth a damn. They'll kiss you on both cheeks, hug you, feel your butt, & then turn right around, have sex with your wife, and sell banned weapons to your enemies.

But what most disturbs me about this story is that the army is now destroying the items they're digging up. What a waste!!!! They're going to need that stuff to bring the damn Shiites back under control.

Well, at least the Americans' search for Weapons of Any Kind of Destruction has not been totally fruitless.... And I do look rather dapper in that photo, if I might say so myself.

I told you that the supposed surrender talks between Uday and the United Satan army were nothing more than a vicious rumor, no doubt fabricated by the evil zionist controlled New York Times. That's why I trust only the Weekly World News to keep me informed. Now that's a newspaper!!!!!!!

Apparently there is a rumor floating around that my son Uday is thinking of surrendering. HA!! This just goes to prove that you can't believe everything you read on the internet!

Uday has been dead for the last two months, and most parts of his body fell off piece by piece when I fled Baghdad.... Um, I mean, uh, when I, er, voluntarily decided to regroup elsewhere. Yeah, that's it! I'm "regrouping."

Anyway, about all I have left of Uday now is one of his eyeballs.

I keep it in my pocket.

Have I shown you my favorite bumpersticker?







All I need now is a bumper to put it on.

And if you're thinking of saying what I THINK you're thinking of saying.... DON'T!!!!

Well, well, well. Still no weapons of mass destruction, eh? Now the Central Infidel Agency has launched an investigation into whether they may have been given faulty intelligence about my having WMD's. Well, DUH!!! Who was their information source? Jaysen Blair?

I have maintained all along that I'm every bit as innocent of these heinous charges as O.J. was of his! Plus, all my gloves are accounted for!!!

I have maintained all along that I'm in compliance with all UN resolutions. But is anyone listening? No, of course not! They keep getting hung up on the fact that I've killed hundreds of thousands of my own citizens. Well, okay, yeah, sure I have! But what despot worth his weight in plundered riches hasn't? Does that make me a bad man? No, of course not! Besides, gassing 'em is the only way to make the dang Shiites shut up!!

The American trespassers are slowly learning that little lesson.

The Americans are very, very, VERY fortunate Ruben won. Otherwise I might have gotten upset.

Bruce S. writes about a site offering dolls--um, "action figures"--of my former Minister of Information: Looks like Mo and some of your companions signed a sweet marketing deal. Although they make a talking version of Al Sahaf and not you.

An excellent observation, Bruce, and one that highlights your intellectual inferioririoty.... Inferiorness.... Inferier.... Your dumbness.

There ar a number of reasons my doll--er, "action figure"--doesn't speak. First, it is being marketed with infidel American consumers who will soon be burning in hell in mind.... Except for Michael Moore and the Dixie Chicks, of course, who will eventually be rewarded with virgins. Not sure how the virgin thing will work with the Dixie Chicks, though. It could just 72 virgins that three of them will have to share among themselves, OR it might actually be 3 X 72 virgins, which equals, um, a lot. At any rate, you can bet I'll be hiding a webcam in THAT bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael Moore, though, can have all the privacy he wants. I have NO desire to see his fat naked butt parading across my moniter.

Where was I? Oh, right, dolls--I mean "action figures...." Anyway, the reason my doll--um, "action figure"--doesn't talk is that I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, you ninny!! I mean, I'm sure you spend hours each day watching the same inspiring news footage of me over and over and over, right? I said, RIGHT?!?! And every time you see me gesturing wildly, flapping my arms like an epileptic chicken, aren't I always ranting in Arabic? Has it occured to you that perhaps there is a good that you've never heard me rant in English? Has it also occurred to you that perhaps there is a good reason you always hear TRANSLATORS talking on my behalf?

So if you want to hear my doll--um, "action figure"--talk, you'll have to buy the optional translator doll--um, "action figure"--for an additional $39.95, plus shipping & handling.

I guess you've heard by now that White House Spokesinfidel Ari Fleisher is stepping down. He's says it's to spend more time with his wife (which I wouldn't mind myself) and to pursue "job opportunities in the private sector."

Between you and me, that's a crock of camel crap. The REAL reason he's stepping down is that he's heard I'm coming, and he he doesn't want to end up as the Jack of Clubs in MY deck of most wanted cards!!!

I hear my former Minister of Information has already emailed his resume to the White House.

A gmurray writes: Dear Saddam, I hate to tell you this (for the obvious reasons), but you have gotten a lot more boring since we blew you into little tiny pieces. Somehow, your words of wit and wisdom just don't seem very relevant anymore. Sorry.

This is a perfect example of how otherwise well-intended actions can lead to unintended consequences. A few years, the infidel suicide Doctor Kevorkian (Oh, how I'd love to get hold of his recipe book) was jailed by the state of Michigan. Consequently, people like gmurray are left with no where to turn when they get tired of living. So what do they do? They insult ME, thinking I will put them out their miserable little puny lives.

You would love that, wouldn't you Mr./Miss/Mrs./Ms gmurray, wouldn't you? Well, no such luck for you. Instead I wll stick you in the same jail cell with Geraldo, Bill O'Reilly, and all the other obnoxious loudmouths from Fox News Channel who dared speak ill of me. There you will slowly suffocate as the air in the room is slowly displaced by their enormous egos.

Oh, and as to me being in "tiny little pieces," I draw your attention to this article which says I am already plotting my return to power.

In closing, let me assure you there is NOTHING tiny about me. The Dixie Chicks can attest to that.

For those of you interested in TRUTHFUL updates on my valiant struggle against the invading infidel hordes, I urge you to visit my Ministry of Information's website.

Apparently the United States of Satan army teams searching for my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction are becoming frustrated. In one instance, after breaking into a building while checking out a promising lead, they found a cache of..... Vaccuum cleaners!!! Well, I bet that really "SUCKS!!!!" HA, HA, HA!!!!!

Get it? Vacuum cleaners..... Sucks.....

When this little "misunderstanding" between our nations is cleared up and I go on to win the Democratic presidential nomination, eventually defeating the current incumbent, I will take my act on tour. I'll play comedy clubs in all the major cities under my rule, such as Baghdad, Tikrit, Mosul, Basra, Chicago, and Los Angeles. You, my most loyal suckers--um, loyal "followers," I mean--are cordially invited to attend. I guarrantee you'll "die" launghing...... Literally!!

Have a nice day.

Once again I'm getting blamed for something I had NOTHING to do with! Now it's land mines blowing up little kids. You think I'm happy about this? No, of course not! Those damn mines cost money, even if the French government did sell them to us at a substatntial discount shortly before the war....

Wait.... Was that supposed to be a secret? Do me a favor and don't say anything to anybody about that till I have a chance to check with Jacques Chirac. He's supposed to coming by with fresh hookers later.

Wait....

The United Soon to Be States of Saddam Federal Trade Commision has announced a crackdown on internet fraud. This includes tracking down those respnsible for sending out deceptive spam, auction site fraud, and any number of other online scam operations. Apparently this is a problem which has really gotten out of control, much like the Shiite population here in Iraq.

This really does sicken me. The next thing you know, people will be going online, setting up fake websites, and pretending to be someone they're not!! I mean, what kind of sick, depraved, worthless, lying piece of crap vile vermin would do something like THAT?!?!

Here is some most excellent news for those of you who may be deeply concerned about my health and well-being: According to my doctors, I can be expected to live for many MANY more years!!! They also say I am HIGHLY intelligent!! Unfortunately, I don't have the names of these highly perceptive doctors, so don't yet know which families to release.

I'm sure this word comes as a relief to the Pentagon officials who continue to hunt me. I know Iraq like the back of my hand, and I don't need no sissified GPS system to find my way around.

I hear that US military officials have authorized their soldiers to begin shooting looters. That's very clever, shooting the people you are trying to save. Kind of like throwing a drowning man a cinderblock.

Which, incidentally, is what I used to do when I worked summers as a lifeguard.

A Heidi F. asks: Just wondering how you feel about this new song. And, should you begin creating music of your own, how do you feel about the world of file-sharing?

Well, Heidi, I continue to be amazed by my multi-talented former Minister of Information. I am glad he is keeping himself busy with various projects, provided he understands that he will have to come back to work for me once I resume power in Iraq, put those uppity loudmouth Shiites back in their place, and launch my invasion of America.

As far as the file sharing is concerned, it is the same as stealing. Those who do it are no better than common thieves, much like the looters that continue to roam the streets of Baghdad. I would never, ever engage in such a practice, just as I would never build never build weapons of mass destruction or gas entire villages of Kurds.

In an unrelated matter, has anyone seen my MP3 player?

Now everyone's in an uproar over the 3000 bodies found in a mass grave outside Mahweel. Well, DUH!!!! Has it occurred to anyone that maybe if they would just stop digging holes all over the damn place, then just maybe they would stop finding bodies?

Besides, isn't it a crime to disturb a grave? Especially 3000 of them!?! Someone needs to report this to the UN.

Oh, and before I forget, congratulations are in order to my former Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. As I'm sure you know, the cowardly weasel has been quite busy since he dropped out of sight. The latest word is that he and former New York Times reporter Jaysen Blair are going to start their own newspaper.

A resourceful sort of infidel calling himself akipnis has uncovered a music video I did back in my younger days. It played briefly on MTV. Hope you enjoy it.

Oh, puh-LEEZE!!!!! Now the Americans are saying that they have successfully abolished my Baath party! Yeah, right.... Didn't Bush say that about the Democrats last fall? And I think we can all see how that little prediction turned out.....

Tax cuts, anyone?

Now the unholy ones have captured Rihab "Dr. Germ" Taha. She would have been in charge of my principle bioweapons research lab, had I actually had one, which I don't and never did. Not I. Nope. Don't know what you're talking about. No idea. None whatsoever. Really.

They say mail delivery has finally resumed throughout most of Iraq. Guess I better get down to the post office and fill out one of those forms with my new forwarding address.

In my ongoing and oh-so-difficult quest to pretend I care what you, my loyal followers, think, I have come out with a new poll.

But first, here are the results to the previous poll, "What did I do with my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction?"



1) The hands down winner with 55% of the total (496 votes) was the answer, "They're on temporary loan to Syria."



2) 16% of you (144 votes) thought I hid them in my shorts. Well, you're close. That's where I keep my "Weapon of Mass Pleasure." And if the Dixie Chicks play their cards right, I'll let them take turns "launching" it.



3) Another 16% (143 votes) of you thought I "destroyed them in compliance with United Nations resolutions." Coincidentally, that was the same 16% of you that still believe in Santa Claus.



The rest of the questions ended up with single digit percentages. A total of 907 votes were cast.

So what does this poll mean? Well.... Not a damn thing. What do you think this is? A democracy? Grow up!!

I will eventually bring this poll back and rotate it with the new one.

Oh, and for the 16% of you that still believe in Santa: It IS true that there USED to be a Santa, but that is no longer the case.

I shot him last Christmas.

Oh, my.... Excuse me, but I've been laughing so hard that I hyperventilated. But don't worry; I'll be fine.

I was just reading about this nutcase Ayatollah Mohammad Baqir al-Hakim who has now returned to Iraq after 23 years in exile. There's a reason I threw him out of Iraq: HE'S A WACK JOB!!!!!!! The guy's nuttier than a squirrel!! He wants nothing less than to turn Iraq into another Iran, which means the Americans better start changing the locks on their embassy in Baghdad NOW!!

Obviously I going to have my hands full when I finally return to power. I just hope I have enough gas left in my non-existent stockpiles to bring the Shiites back under control. I mean, really... What were the Americans thinking? The Shiites aren't capable of handling democracy. That requires thinking for oneself, which they are not capable of. Shiites need someone in authority to set parameters for them and to show them the boundaries to their outrageous bahavior. They also need to be periodically disciplined with a firm hand. Otherwise they will run roughshod all over you.

Kind of like teenagers.

Have I mentioned that I'm a big basketball fan? Oh, yes! In fact it's been a longtime goal of mine to land an NBA team for Baghdad! That's kind of hard to do, however, when you have work around unjust UN sanctions.

I figure the team could be called the Baghdad Camelbacks, or maybe the Iraqi Clouds of Sarin Gas Killing Our Opponents and Their Helpless Gasping Families. I personally like that last one. Kind of intimidating, ain't it?

Of course, I don't know a whole lot about running a major league sports franchise, so I'll have to go out and hire a topnotch management team that does.

I hear Michael Jordan's looking for work....

What is the big deal with this mountain climber who had to amputate his own arm in order to save his life? Everyone seems amazed by it. Big deal!! I do that kind of stuff all the time, and no one seems terribly impressed!

What? No, of course I don't mean my OWN arm, you ninny!!!!! That's stupid!!!! Why would I chop off my own perfectly good arm!?! I meant I'm always chopping off OTHER people's arms!! Legs, too. Occasionally other appendages, but we won't go into that just now.

But at least I always give the parts back to the owners when I'm done. Idi Amin, on the other hand, used to eat them.

Raw.

Now I'm sure many of you think I'm boring old fuddy-duddy who doesn't know how to have fun unless it involves spraying aerosolized Anthrax over large concentrations of Kurds. But the truth of the matter is that I'm quite an accomplished musician. And lately I've been perfecting my rapping technique. Oh, would you like a sample?

I should warn you that depending on your connection, it may take a few minutes to download (Thanks be to Allah and vainpeach for this link).

Word is that Salam Pax is blogging again. He had to stop after I commandeered his laptop six weeks ago.

Did you know I spent a year at Yale back in the '60's? Sure did. In fact, George and I were roomies for a semester.







I look back on those days and can't help but wonder where our paths diverged....

An inquisitive infidel known only as y2niko asks: First off, belated happy birthday (how many camels did u have to "do" for your birthday?). Ok, to my main question,I've been hearing rumors about this, but is it true that the beloved iraqi information minister(M.S.S.) is trying to negotiate his surrender to americans for quite a while now? it's just too bad that M.S.S. hasn't seen any american soldiers in Baghdad so he can't surrender to anyone. Don't you feel jealous of all the attention/publicity M.S.S. is getting that should be aimed to you? Come on, he's a well known celebrity now, and you're still a tyrant... not fair, eh?

HA!! Au contraire, as my beloved French friends would say. I am beyond such petty emotions as jealousy. Jealousy implies insecurity, and I have no reason to be insecure. Well, okay, I have been holed up in this stinkin' bathroom stall for some ten days now, but that's a totally, completely, and absolutely temporary situation until I return to power, conquer the world, and marry the Dixie Chicks.

y2niko also implies--rather insolently, I might add--that being a celebrity is somehow better than being a tyrant. Nothing (with the possible exception of my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction, I mean) could be further from the truth!!!! Being a celebrity is meaningless! You have no actual power. Can Brad Pitt invade a neighboring country? NO! Can Britney Spears launch missiles at Israel? NO!! Can Leonardo DeCaprio gas the damn Kurds when he gets bored? NO!! So what good it is being a mere celebrity?

But being a tyrant, on the other hand, carries all the benefits of celebrityhood--fame, fortune, fine hotel rooms, free sex, appearances on magazine covers, getting away with murder, etc) PLUS you have real, honest to goodness, actual POWER!!! You can do so much more when you're a well respected and widely feared tyrant! Provided, of course, you don't screw up by misjudging the resolve of your enemies.

Look at Khruschev.... 40 years ago he makes an appearance at the UN and bangs his shoe on the table. You think Jennifer Lopez could get away with that kind of behavior? Well, yeah, I suppose with that ass she could get away with anything....

But that's not my point. What I'm getting at is that being a tyrant guarrantees one fame AND power. Being a celebrity merely brings empty, meaningless fame.

So I wish my former Minister of Misinformation well. I know he's keeping busy with his two blogs, which you can find to your left. And if he wishes to surrender to the Americans, that's fine by me. He's always been something of a wimp. In fact, back in high school, I used to steal his lunch money. Besides, his imprisonment would only be temporary till I once again march triumphantly through the streets of Baghdad.

Besides, being the center of attention is NOT all that it's cracked up to be. Believe me; I should know.

A loyal reader has alerted me to what is allegedly an interview with me. It is mildly amusing. Rest assured that when I invade the soon to be United States of Saddam, I will track down its author and have a word or two with him. We'll discuss the weather, and then talk about how he gets his ideas. I'll compliment him on his wit and sense of humor.

Then I'll shoot him for being a smartass.

Some people are raising eyebrows over the one billion dollars I withdrew from the bank the day before the Americans began tresspassing on my property. Was it really that much?!?! I had meant to only take out $100, but I must have written a couple of extra zeros on the withdrawl slip. Good thing I just happened to have three tractor trailers with me. A hundred here, a billion there. Who's counting?

I'll have my accountants at Arthur Andersen look into it.

The invaders are picking up chicks now? They must be getting desperate.

What's the big deal about all the mass graves? I thought the US was supposed to be looking for my weapons of mass destruction, but instead they're getting all hung up on the various atrocities I've committed over the years. Gimme a break!!!! I was--and will be again--a despotic dictator!! Controlling your populace through mass murder goes with the territory, okay? It's part of the job description! Get over it, for crying out loud!! Stalin did it, Hitler did it, Pol Pot did it, and Mussolini did it! So don't single me out. I was merely carrying on a proud tradition!

Besides, it's the only way to get the damn Shiites to shut the hell up!! Just wait. You'll see.

Sorry for the interruption, but someone came in to use the bathroom. Can't be tapping away on a keyboard when no one's supposed to know where I am!

But get this: The guy was in here for about 10, 15 minutes doing his "business," then before leaving, he washed his hands!!!!!! How disgusting is that!!!!! Makes me want to puke, but that might give away my location.

Anyway, as I started to say, one of my first orders of business will be to abolish horse racing and replace it with something far more civilized, like camel racing. Now that's a sport!!! One of my favorite ways to relax on my days off from gassing Kurds and Shiites was to head down to the track. Took me a while to get the hang of it, but eventually all my camels were winning. And it only took about 17 management changes at the track to get to that level!

Of course, I'll keep the Kentucky Derby around. It's an annual tradition. But NO HORSES, okay? It will showcase only the finest three year old camels in the empire--MY empire--and they will be ridden by UN inspectors. And instead of calling it the "Run for the Roses," we'll change the name to the "Run for the Weapons of Mass Destruction."

Today is the 129th running of something called the "Kentucky Derby." If I understand it correctly, this Derby thing is a horse race. How barbaric!!!!!! Oh, the hypocrisy!! Americans claim to be civilized, but then they go out and watch a horse race?!?!

I honestly do not understand the appeal. One should not force horses to run; The practice is inhumane to the extreme, and a horrible way to treat such a wonderful, gentle, animal. One needs to pamper our equine friends, treat them well, feed them only the finest hay, provide them with shelter, knock them in the head with an iron mallet, skin them, properly roast the meat over an open pit barbecue, and eat them. Making them run only serves to make the meat tough.

And what's this about Jockeys riding them? How bizarre is that? Jockeys are designed to be worn by people, for Allah's sake, not animals. Personally, though, I wear Haines underwear, when I bother to wear any at all. What's their slogan? "Gentlemen prefer Haines."

But ba

People sometimes ask, "Saddam, don't you ever get tired of living in a bathroom stall, squatting on the toilet to keep your feet off the floor so no one realizes you're in there?"

Well, no, not when you consider the alternatives. I mean, yeah, it gets montonous at times, but then you start listening to the various noises that people's bodies are capable of making, and it's really quite fascinating. Besides, I'm not leaving here till they bring that SARS thing under control. I mean, that's some scary sh*t. Now they think it can be spread by feces!

Between the constant threat of JDAMs, Tomahawks, Predator drones, and viruses, this job just isn't what it used to be.

I mean he really REALLY gets around!!!!

I must admit that my former Minister of Information certainly gets around!!







---------------------------------------Thanks be to Allah (and Franz Dierick) for the pic.

When I finally do take over the United States and move into the White House, one of my first orders of business will be to auction off that old presidential limo on eBay and replace it with something better suited to me, like an SUV. Now I know that many people hate those things, and for a while some people opposed to SUV's were asking "What would Jesus drive?" Their argument is that the son of their god would NOT drive an SUV because they are harmful to the environment.



So what!?!? I mean, if his dad really is God, he can just make a brand new environment if the old one gets screwed up, right? Am I the only one thinking logically here, or what?



Besides, the REAL question for me is: "What would Allah drive?" And the answer is obvious: A Porsche Cayenne. That's right, the world's top manufacturer of four wheeled chick magnets has come out with an SUV!! And they are beautiful!!



But they are also in high demand, and I expect that dealerships are pricing them accordingly. And I think all you know how much I hate negotiating. Doesn't matter if it's about forbidden weapons or new car financing, I just hate negotiating.

It's a vile ritual, but one I'm willing to do in the case of the Cayenne. But so help me: If the salesman tells me he needs to go check with "My sales manager," and he comes back with some guy in a loud checkered sports jacket, and they start beating up on me to buy the rustproofing for an extra $1500, I'll shoot the both of them right there in the middle of the showroom. Rustproofing, my ass. You don't try to scam a scammer. At least not when he's a heavily armed homicidal maniac.



I just hope they come in my favorite color, Desert Sand.