People have asked me, "So Saddam, when you take over the United States, and you first set foot in your capital of Saddam, DC, what will you say to the American people? Assuming, of course, your head doesn't explode first from trying to contain your enormous ego?"

Well, I've been thinking about that. And I've decided to go with John Carpenter's words from the movie They Live: "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum." I've always been fond of that line.

But my more immediate concern is my '73 Vega. It's developed some transmission problems and died on me earlier just outside Tikrit. If it weren't an inanimate object incapable of feeling my wrath, I would have shot the sorry SOB piece of crap for betraying me like that.

Anyway, I caught a ride from a passing illegal occupying force patrol and had them drop me off at a small farm in Adwar. I'm hiding there now, in a cleverly disguised seven foot deep spider hole. No way those idiot Americans will find me here!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Hold on. Someone's at the door. I wonder who that could be at this hour? HOLY SH

The American appointed Iraqi Governing Council of Infidel Controlled Puppets wants to create a special court to try me and my top officials--well, the ones still alive, anyway--on charges of genocide and crimes against humanity.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm still not clear on what exactly I'm guilty of. I mean, the whole reason for this current mess the United States finds itself in was to eliminate my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction. Well, when they couldn't find any, suddenly the reason became establishing democracy and ending oppression.

Oh, be-have!!! I'm dictator, for crying out loud! Oppression is in the job description, for Allah's sake! Seriously, have you ever heard of a non-oppressive dictator? No, of course not!! There's no such thing!! I mean, that's almost as funny as the absurd idea of establishing a thriving oasis of democracy and freedom in the heart of the middle east! It goes against the very laws of nature.

In fact, wasn't it Isaac Newton who laid out the fundamental governing principles of the Universe?
1) The first law of thermodynamics says that energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another.
2) This one says that heat can never transfer from a colder object to a warmer object. Therefore all natural processes involving the transfer of energy can only take place in one direction.
3) If you remove all the thermal energy contained in molecules, you achieve a state known as absolute zero. This occurs at 0 degrees Kelvin, -273.15 Celsius, and -459 Fahrenheit.
4) The speed of light is an absolute, despite the science of Star Trek.
5) There is no way in hell democracy can ever survive in the middle east.

Besides, as I've said before, freedom is overrated. Most muslim societies have been oppressed for so long that they would have no idea how to be "free." Islam and freedom are self-exclusive. Just ask Osama. Or for that matter, ask America's buddies in Saudi Arabia.

All this talk by Bush saying that I'm evil is motivated by nothing more than jealousy. Seriously, do you think for one second that if Bush thought he could get away with it, he wouldn't torture Michael Moore or cut off Al Franken's testicles? Of course he would!! And he'd also put a stop to that stupid election next year!

But, of course, he can't. And so when he sees someone like me who can inflict massive physical pain on opponents at will, and not have to bother with pesky periodic election campaigns, Bush turns green with envy! And the fact that the Republicans' constant attempts to convert America into a Christian theocracy keep bumping into that Constitution thing is probably sticking in his craw as well.

Besides, the members of that court are going to look kind of silly trying to hold a gavel with no opposable thumbs.

The Americans truly mystify me. They are being picked off on a daily basis, and one would think they would do anything to bring that under control. And some of their officers are certainly trying their best.

One in particular, a Lt. Col. Allen West, went as far as to discharge an weapon next to an Iraqi prisoner. Didn't actually shoot him, you understand, just wanted to scare him. And it worked, because the sniveling coward began talking about future plans for ambushes. So what happens? Instead of being awarded a medal for saving the lives of his men through innovative interrogation methods, West almost gets court-martialed. And though he avoided that fate, he is nonetheless being discharged from the army.

Now personally, I would have shot the prisoner. None of this scaring the guy. Nothing gets a man talking like the site of his own blood. But that's just me and my patented technique.

It's no wonder I'm winning in Iraq. And if the American military continues to tie the hands of its own personel with silly rules, I shall continue to do so.

I see Bush is really sticking to my friends in Russia, France, and Germany by not allowing them to bid on contracts to rebuild Iraq. One of the conditions Bush is holding over their heads is that they must first forgive the billions of dollars of debt I owe them.

Hmmm.... Never thought I'd say this, but I sometimes I really REALLY like Bush!!

On the other hand, the fact remains that Iraq wouldn't have to be rebuilt in the first place if a certain unnamed sole remaining world superpower hadn't come in here and trashed the place!!!!

The Pentagon has discovered that Halliburton may have overcharged my poor citizens a total of $61 million for gasoline!

I don't know about you, but I'm certainly shocked. Well.... okay, maybe not.

Now I know some of you are probably thinking to yourselves, "That Saddam really hates the Shiites, but they can't possibly be THAT bad!!



Well, first of all, yes, they can. And secondly, go torture yourselves till you scream in agony for daring to question me.



Here's a perfect example of how stupid they are: They Iraq to set up a theocracy based of strict interpretation of Islamic law along the lines of what Iran has had for the last 25 years.



Yet the majority of the Iranian people do nothing but bitch & moan about how awful their government is, and how they can't wait for the old Ayatollahs running the country to croak.

Well, there goes the neighborhood!

----------Oliphant

I went barhopping last night and met this really hot chick. Turns out she's American, and she even gave me her number. If you think I'm making this up, feel free to give her a call! Her number is 212-660-2245.



And tell her I said hi.

Do you ever watch "24"? It's one of my favorite shows, so it will help you lead a longer, healthier life if you do. And as you probably already know, each season's episodes take place in "real time," over the course of a 24 hour time period.



In the first season, super secret agent Jack Bauer was trying to save a presidential candidate. Last year he was trying to stop nuclear terrorists. Now this year Jack's trying to to stop the spread of a deadly, bio-engineered virus. And advance word on NEXT season is that Jack Bauer will attempt to capture me!! Of course, they will have to change the name of the show to "24,000". Needless to say, it will be a v-e-r-y l-o-n-g season!



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!



But enough about Jack. My favorite character on the show is his daughter, Kim. And I have to thank Allah that there's no such thing as blonde Arab chicks. I mean, yeah, they're easy on the eyes, but man, some of them can be dumb as a dune.



In the first season, Kim sneaks out of the house, gets kidnapped three times, held hostage four times, shot at, and watches her car explode, all in 24 hours!!

In contrast, the typical Iraqi citizen can easily go three, maybe four days, without any of those things happening to them.

I hear that the the Iraqi National Symphony will be performing in Washington, DC tonight. How dare they!?!? They will pay dearly for this foolish indiscretion. I'll fix it so none of them can EVER have children again!!



That's right: I'm going to have their tubas tied.

First of all, let me say in my defense that this guy is exaggerating. Granted, I didn't keep exact records, but my accountants--formerly of a much respected American company called Enron--assure me that it couldn't have been much more than 275,000 killed.



280,000 tops.

By the way, I suppose I should mention that I stole the above photo from the unofficial Hillary Clinton Fan Clubwebsite.

People sometimes say to me, "Saddam, running an insurgency must be incredibly expensive. How do you do it? And if it's not too much trouble, could you remove the electrodes from my testicles?"



Well, yes. It is rather expensive. Between the munitions and the death benefits for my fighters, the costs really add up. But by using former AOL and Enron accountants, I'm able to cover it up and make it look like I'm still turning a profit.



Besides, I'm generating huge revenues from sales of the newly released on DVD sex video of me & Paris Hilton. I will confess, however, to editing out the scene where the two of us fell off the bucking camel. I'm saving that for the special Director's Cut edition, due out in time for Ramadan next year.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

And I'll release those electrodes when I damn well please. In the meantime, stop your shrieking. It hurts my ears.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

The other day, President Bush was getting ready to sign some bill and referred to little Terrance Martin, a guest for the ceremony, as a six year old. Well, little Terrance--who apparently has cajones the size of mine--spoke right up and corrected the leader of the free world by pointing out that he's actually seven!!

Bush, in an effort to salvage what little dignity his presidency has left, tried to laugh it off by saying he would "take it up with the fact checker."



Hmmm.... Must've been the same fact checker that said I had weapons of mass destruction out the wazoo!

----------Ajit NinanIndia Times(sent by Vaiday)

So I'm sitting here watching the late night news when I almost choked on my camel & bean burrito.... President Bush lit the United States National Christmas Tree a little while ago.



No big deal, you say?



Well, that would be true except for minor detail: The ceremony was called the Pageant of Peace!!



Bush participating in something containing the word "peace?!?" Now THAT'S ironic!!!!



And YES, I already checked with Alanis Morissette, and she agrees: It's ironic.

----------Gamble, Florida Times

So this morning on the radio I hear some weather forecaster say it's going to be a beautiful fall day here in.... Well, never mind exactly what city. You're not catching me THAT easy! Suffice it to say that today was supposed to be a sparkling late autumn day with temperatures a cool 35 degrees (That's 95 Fahrenheit for you math-challenged Americans, and 308.16 Kelvin for you science geeks).



Ah, yes.... Nothing like a crisp December day in Baghdad.... Er, I mean Fallujah.... Or it could be Mosul.... Or maybe I meant Tikrit.



At any rate, I decided this would be a good day to detail my '73 Chevy Vega. I spent hours washing it, then drying it, and then buffing it to an unbelievable shine with Camel Wax. I even scrubbed the Shiite roadkill residue off the tires. Then I vacuumed the interior and tossed out all the used condoms from under the seats, and coated the dashboard with Armor All. By the time I finished, I was thoroughly exhausted, but the car looked absolutely pristine! I was quite proud of myself.



So then what happens? A damn sandstorm comes up out of f*cking nowhere!!! It never f*cking fails!!!



Needless to say, I tracked down that stupid weatherman from this morning and tortured him. Then I took a break for dinner and to let you, my loyal followers, know what was happening.



Anyway, gotta go. He's regaining consciousness, so I'm going to go reattach the electrodes.



Ciao!

----------Rogers, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

People seem to be marveling at the degree of sophistication and coordination we put into that battle in Samarra the other day.



Gee, thanks!



We worked quite hard to pull that one of. And while it's true that we are facing substantial payouts on the life insurance policies of our brave fighters, we nonetheless succeeded in creating even more anger among the civilian townspeople towards the Americans!



That's how Yasser Arafat does it, you know. He blows up some Israelies, who come into the territories and kill some Palestinians, who then vow revenge and kill more Israelies, who then vow revenge by killing more Palestinians.... Well, you get the picture. After a while no one seems to remember who started it.



Welcome to the middle east!!!

As most of you no doubt already realize, I've had a number of... "differences of opinion" with American Secretary of Satanic Invasions Donald Rumsfeld over the past year.



That said, let me be the first to congratulate the Rumster on his most recent achievement: Winning the prestigious Foot in Mouth award from Britain's Plain English Campaign.



I'm sure Bush was first runner up.

Okay, now I'm pissed at Kim Jong Il. For a couple of years we had been trying to buy a missile system from him, and he was always coming up excuses. One time it was that the guidance systems were on backorder from the factory, or there was a shipping error & they went to Liechtenstein by mistake, or they didn't have them in the color I wanted, or the optional cup holders couldn't hold the 44 oz. Big Gulps I like, or whatever.



Now it turns out the whole deal was a scam and I kept making payments for nothing!



This really shatters my faith in humanity. If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?

----------Correll, Creators Syndicate

President Bush showed up in Baghdad yesterday. He had wanted to meet with me to discuss his surrender, but unfortunately I wasn't able to fit him into my busy schedule. I'm sorry, but I think it's just incredibly rude, inconsiderate, and thoughtless to just show up unannounced like that and expect ME to drop everything!

The fact is that with all this constant moving around to elude capture, while at the same time trying to mount an effective insurgency against an unwelcome occupying force is quite time consuming. And that's not even including the hours upon hours I spend slaving over a hot laptop writing and researching this blog!

I told him to just call my secretary next time.

----------KAL, Baltimore Sun

It's not cheap living a life on the run. With all the constant necessities such as food, gas, tires, hotel rooms, bribes, and hookers, the overhead costs quickly accumulate. In going through my wallet this afternoon I realized I was almost out of money again.

Guess it's time to sell another of those sex tapes I secretly recorded of me and Paris Hilton.

----------KAL, Baltimore Sun

Well, this hardly seems fair. I just found out that Bush has pardoned a turkey, of all things. Apparently this is some sort of tradition that dates back to 1947. Now, please understand that I have nothing against tradition. Tradition gives continuity to an otherwise meaningless existence and serves to tie us to those who came before, and serves as a reminder that though these mortal shells in which we exist shall cease to do so someday, some things will live on.

You know, for a moment that previous sentence sounded like it was going to be incredibly profound....

Anyway, my point is that while some traditions are worthwhile, others are just plain stupid. And I'm sorry, and don't tell PETA I said this, but pardoning a damn bird is just plain stupid.

May I suggest that Bush start a new tradition? Every year, just before Thanksgiving, the President pardons a world renown ruthless dictator.

And I know just who I'd like to nominate as the first recipient....

----------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

Longtime followers of my propaganda.... Er, I mean, uh.... "Truthful teachings," already know that I despise Fox News, and that I have often suggested that perhaps their executives are borderline psychotics.

I wish to apologize for that. There is nothing "borderline" about those wackos.

Now I know that some of you are probably thinking that the reason I don't like Fox is that they don't like me. Well, that would be just plain downright petty on my part, wouldn't it? Kind of like the time I mailed a sack of camel droppings to Bill O'Reilly. Er, I mean, IF I were to ever have mailed.... Never mind.

My point is that it is not merely my own prejudices that have led me to conclude they're insane over there. I have actual, substantiated, unadulterated proof: They tried to sue themselves!

Apparently what happened is that The Simpsons--the one show on American TV that dares tell it like it is--did a parody of the Fox News crawler that they run at the bottom of the screen. The infidel idiots at Fox News argued that some people might mistake The Simpsons crawler for actual, real news items.

How preposterous is that? I mean, if people aren't stupid enough to believe the crawlers at the bottoms of the actual Fox News programs, why on Earth would they think The Simpsons ones are real?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

The Americans say they are trying to send a message by blowing up the houses of civilians. Well, I'd say they're succeeding in sending a message all right, but I have to wonder if it's the same one my people are receiving.

Then again, I shouldn't complain. It makes my citizens long for the good old days when all they had to worry about were my secret police kicking in the doors.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Some group is now condemning our guerrilla attacks as being somehow in violation of "human rights."

Well, this is certainly an odd twist. Usually these type of goody-goody Berkeley-type liberals are just positively oozing with self-righteousness and are too busy condemning their own country's very existence to worry about the rest of the world.

I suppose I should feel honored!

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Interesting concept, this democracy. When necessary, you force it on people whether the majority wants it or not.

----------Jim Borgeman, Cincinatti Inquirer

Okay, let me distance myself from these most recent attacks in which rockets were launched from donky-carts. Now you must understand that while I provide inspiration to my valiant troops and provide them with general guidance, much of the actual day-to-day operational planning and project executions are left to others. I just show up for meetings, say a few words, smile, shake hands, plant manly kisses on other mens' cheeks, wave, and slit a throat or two. Then I'm outta there.

Think of Dilbert's boss, only with a mustache.

So that's why I'm saying I didn't know about the specifics of these latest attacks involving donkey carts. Please understand that while I am ambitious, I am also prudent.

I am not afraid to take on the full might of the United States military, and I consider the United Nations to be a bunch of wusses. However, one thing I will NOT do is piss off the PETA people.

Even I know my limitations.

That rash that had been on the inside of my thighs has now spread to my crotch, and it itches like crazy. Needless to say, I'm getting some very odd looks from other motorists as I drive by in my Vega.

But I'm just scratching myself.

Really.

I swear.

THis is an absolute outrage!!! Some Iraqi general I've never even heard of is claiming that I'm NOT the one behind the guerrilla insurgency. He claims that all the different groups are operating indepedent of one another.

What poppycock.

Next he'll be claiming that I'm not really driving around Iraq in a '73 Chevy Vega.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

President Whathisname of the United States has taken the opportunity of his visit to London to finally admit that the war against my peace mongering nation is "unpopular."

Gee, I wonder what gave it away? Perhaps the 1.5 million screaming protesters surrounding Buckingham Palace may have provided a subtle clue.

----------Oliphant

I see that freak Michael Jackson is back in the news. What a frikkin' weirdo.... I remember about 15 years ago he was in Baghdad to do a concert. I went backstage to introduce myself and caught that pervert molesting a goat!!!

Oh, wait.... Actually, there's nothing wrong with that.

Well, Bush is off to England. No doubt he and Tony Blair will be fighting over the lifeboat as their respective ships of state continue to list further and further to starboard.

Or is it to port?

No matter. What is important is that they should both have steered clear of the iceberg named "Iraq."

I think maybe I'm spending too much time just sitting in the car. I'm developing some sort of rash on the inside of my thighs.

----------Oliphant

President Bush has given an exclusive interview to Britain's rag, The Sun. This is the newspaper that prints photos of naked women on page three, a feature which is its only redeeming quality.

What makes this interview unusual, however, is that the American leader rarely grants such exclusive interviews, even to papers in his own country. Naturally, then, one would have to wonder why Bush would pick The Sun for such a rare exclusive.

Say, doesn't Rupert Murdock own The Sun? Why, yes, he does! And doesn't Murdoch also own Fox News, which has been a fiercely staunch supporter of this unfair act of aggression against me? Why, yes, he does! Could all this just be a wild coincidence, as opposed to some sort of returning of a favor?

If I were a suspicious man, I'd say Murdoch is still pissed about the time he caught me in the backseat of my Vega with his daughter.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I have to hand it to Jessica Lynch. Her honesty and candor have gone a long way towards exposing the Bush administration's bungled manipulation of the truth.

Then again, not everyone can be an expert at manipulating the truth like me.

The United States has announced that it plans to turn over the administration of Iraq to its puppet governing council next summer. Of course, the reason for this accelerated timetable is that they're trying to get the hell out of here before Howard Dean is elected President next November.

The silly Americans remain under the delusion, however, that this country can exist peacefully with a democratically elected government. Now stop laughing; I'm being serious. People in the Bush administration actually believe that!! These are no doubt the same government officials who think Star Trek is a documentary.

There is, of course, no way democracy can take root here. We have too many ethnic groups that are suspicious of one another. The Kurds will always be trying to overthrow the Sunnis who will be trying to overthrow Shiites who will be trying to overthrow the Kurds. Peace? In the middle east? Not in our lifetimes, nor even in this particular 30 billion year cycle between the Big Bangs which create and ultimately destroy our universe.

As I'm sure all of you are aware, I have mentioned on several occasions that I sometimes dress as a woman to foil my pursuers. Now please understand that I take NO pleasure in this, and do it strictly to bedevil those who are after me.

Well, okay, maybe just a little teensy-weensy, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy bit of pleasure, but just in terms of breaking up the monotony of always wearing pants.

There's nothing sexual about it.

Well..... Never mind.

My point is that in addition to the frequent wardrobe changes, I have also undergone some, er, let us say, "cosmetic" surgery. My surgeon is an excellent doctor; in fact, Cher sees him every six months for her semi-annual tuneups.

Since many of you have been with me quite a while now, I thought I would let you see what I look like now. I am doing this as a gesture of good will only to my most loyal followers; don't let the CIA get their grubby little infidel hands on it.

-----Thanks to Tanakh613

I am deeply touched by all the recent outpouring of love, affection, and adulation being directed in my direction. First, Mr. Rumsfeld continues to express interest in meeting me. In fact, he has dispatched 125,000 emissaries to Iraq in an effort to track me down. Not an easy task, however, as my work requires I move around a lot. Then yesterday, someone sent me my very own link button! How touching is that?!? And now today, Norman Geras has published an interview which he recently conducted with yours truly as we cruised through the streets of Mosul looking for chicks. And while we didn't have any luck finding women, I did introduce Norm to the joys of goat sex:



1) You don't have to buy them dinner first.

2) They never ask to "just cuddle."

3) No constant yakking in your ear while you concentrate on channel surfing.

4) You don't have to remember to put the toilet back down.

5) And if the two of you ultimately decide to move in together, you don't have to worry about silly frou-frou crap like doilies and coasters.

6) A steady supply of healthy, lowfat goat milk.

I have many friends throughout the world, and not all of them are necessarily in Russia, France, Germany, or Berkeley. My good friend Brian at PerplexingTimes.com has prepared a special link button just for me. Those of you so inclined may add this to your own worthless sites.

I am sure this is nothing more than a blatant attempt on Brian's part to curry favor with me, but it worked. As a reward for his hard work, I shall give him five "keep your head for free" cards.

Click here if you need the code.

Now the Americans want to hold elections in my country next summer.

Fat chance.

The situation in Iraq at the moment is such that the only people cooperating with the unlawful agents of democracy are the ones with a death wish. That's how it works now, you know. An Iraqi man comes home early one day, catches his wife with the milkman, which would be highly unusual since we don't have cows, and decides life is no longer worth living. So what does he do? He goes out into the middle of the street and announces at the top of his lungs that he is going to begin cooperating with the Americans.

Granted, Doctor Kevorkian's methods were less messy, but the two techniques are equally effective.

My point is, who in their right mind is going to run for office? The members of the so-called Iraqi Governing Council, who to their credit haven't done squat so far, are essentially great big walking targets.

And how, exactly, is the voting going to be handled? Are they going to bring over those voting machines from Florida? Yeah, right. Even if they DO manage to hold an election, the results will be tied up in court till 2006.

But that's okay, because by then Howard Dean will be halfway through his first term as President.

People are beginning to figure out that, hey, maybe that rascal Saddam has a strategy after all, and that these supposedly unorganized attacks are actually part of a master plan!

Well, DUH!!!

The beauty of what's happening now is that the more the occupiers crack down in an effort to stop the attacks, the more my people start to realize that "good ol' Saddam wasn't all that bad after all. Yeah, sure, occasionally family members who dared speak out against him would disappear, suffer odd accidental deaths in pits filled with cobras, or have their tongues cut out, but at least we had running water and reliable electricity. These clowns from across the ocean, on the other hand, can't even keep their own damn power on back in the States!!"

Wonderful news, everyone!! Now the Central Infidel Agency itself has come out with a report saying that my people are losing faith in the Americans!! This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, though. I mean, I think pretty much everyone at some point or another has experienced houseguests who overstay their welcome and refuse to catch the hint that it's time to leave.

We've dropping subtle hints ourselves for the last six months, and so far, our unwanted "guests" are still here. They are a playful bunch, however, as they insist on engaging me in a game of hide & seek.

And so far, I'm winning.

----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

One of the world's richest men, George Soros, has given almost $15 million of his own money towards the defeat of George Bush. He goes as far as to call the present administration to world peace. And quite frankly, from where I'm sitting (the corner of Thawra and Kifa Streets in Baghdad), I would tend to agree with him.

By the way, Soros is Hungarian. Wonder if he knows that Lugosi guy?

Remind me to put him on my Christmas card list.

President Bush is concerned that religious fanatics want to take over Iraq. This is rather ironic, since it is Bush himself who is seeking to turn the United States into a christian theocracy.

Bush's concern, however, is that Islamic extremists are seeking to take control of my country. And as much as I hate to say it, I have to agree with him for once: Letting the nutcases take over would be a bad idea. And do I need to point out yet again that we wouldn't have this problem if a certain superpower hadn't come in here and started screwing with the status quo in the first place? But N-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O-o-o-o!!!!! Bush just coudn't leave well enough alone, could he?

Tell you what, Mr. Bush: Let me return to power, and I'll take care of the nutty Shiites once and for all.

Of course, that would entail the use of my non-existent weapons of mass destruction....

Is it possible to lose a war by winning badly? Richard Hart Sinnreich certainly seems to think so, and makes an interesting argument that that is precisely what the Americans are doing in Iraq.

Still, his thinking is flawed in one key aspect: He seems to say that the United States should have come into my country with overwhelming force and completely crushed us.

On the other hand, I of course prefer to think that the invaders did, in fact, hit us with everything they had, and that they simply were no match for my far superior forces. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have emerged triumphant from this conflict.

Okay, technically speaking, I'm not quite completely triumphant.

Yet.

But I will be soon.

Well, maybe not soon, but eventually.

Question: How do you keep an infidel in suspense?

----------Bill Day, Memphis Commercial Appeal

I'm looking forward to tonight's lunar eclipse, which should be starting in just a few hours.

It is at times such as this when I get just a bit philosophical about life.... When one looks around at all the bickering here on Earth, and then looks up at the heavens and considers the vastness of it all, and the finely tuned celestial mechanics that keep everything in motion, and the delicate balancing act between gravity and centrifugal force that keeps planets from plunging into one another, THAT'S when one begins to realize what is truly important in this vast universe of ours.

And what's important at the moment is NOT frikkin' Jupiter's orbital path, but repelling these stinking invading hordes seeking to shove freedom and democracy on an innocent nation that has never hurt anyone.... Recently.

Still, it's nice to take an occasional break from our valiant struggle to reimpose oppression on ourselves by gazing heavenward. And if you decide to do the same, be careful not to look at the moon directly during the eclipse or it will ruin your night vision. It is safest to view it through a smoked lens of some sort.

Or do what I do: Grab yourself an unarmed Shiite refugee and shove the barrel of your grenade launcher into the nape of his neck and have him describe the eclipse to you.

Works for me every time.

Anyone who continues to doubt that Bush was hellbent on attacking me should read this article about how he rebuffed my last minute olive branch. Granted, I had made dozens of deals and promises over the years that I broke as soon as it was convenient. But this time it was different, mainly because I was surrounded by 150,000 American troops. So I was quite probably in all likelihood maybe possibly more or less kind of fully prepared to live up to any new commitments I might have made. At least until the troop strength dropped back down below 50,000.

Really.

I swear.

Cross my heart and hope to.... Well, never mind.

Remember last fall and winter when all the anti-war demonstrators were saying Bush was going to attack me so that his friends could profit from rebuilding my country?

Well, turns out they were right.

Uh-oh....

Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks is pregnant.... With twins.

That means I now have TWO reasons to remain in hiding: First, to elude capture and certain death at the hands of the foreign freedom obsessed occupiers; second, to avoid having to pay child support.

On the other hand, I do have a couple of openings for new sons....

----------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

In a most odd development, the Los Angeles Times has banned the use of the term "resistance fighters" when referring to my, um, well, resistance fighters. This really doesn't make sense. The paper is located right in the heart of the Saddam Triangle, which stretches from San Diego to San Francisco to Berkely to Oakland.

Granted, that may seem like an odd shape for a triangle, but I am a dictator, and therefore it is only fair that I decide what qualifies as geometry around here.

Kapiche?

The Times is apparently concerned that the term resistance fighters somehow "romanticizes" those still loyal to me. Well, I would have to disagree with that. Have you ever smelled an Iraqi male who's been out in the desert for two months without a shower? Trust me when I say there ain't nuthin' romantic about it, okay?

Besides, what else would you call someone who is actively opposed to a foreign occupying power hellbent on unjustly imposing freedom and democracy on a people who clearly prefer a brutal dictatorship?

I saw Matrix: Revolutions this afternoon. Caught the very first showing of it at 5 PM our time. Quite frankly, I'm not sure of the logic behind opening it worldwide at 9 AM EST (United States time). That was already 2 AM at the International Dateline, which is the number I always call for dates with foreign chicks. Why does everything always have to revolve around New York? Why couldn't it open at, say, 9 AM Tikrit time? Once again, the scheduling of this movie is yet another example of the United States imposing its will upon the rest of the world.

Anyway, I was surprised the theater wasn't more crowded. I'm guessing most people were at home working on car bombs. The movie was quite good; certainly much better than Matrix: Rebooted, or whatever the hell the second one was called. The only part that really dragged was towards the end, when Neo and Trinity have a sappy "I love you; No, I love you more" scene. This, of course, is going on even as people are being slaughtered by the thousands in Zion.

Such drivel.

But the theater experience, as always, disgusted me. First of all, I kept having to change seats every ten minutes to foil my pursuers. But then I also had to put with crying babies (who the hell brings a frikkin' baby to an R-rated film!?!), crunching popcorn, peoples' heads blocking the screen, crinkling cellophane wrappers, broken seats, and kids tossing Raisonettes at one another. Even worse, at one point, my combat boots got stuck to the damn floor!! Then again, I have to accept the fact that Iraq is still essentially a third world country; I'm sure movie theaters in a fully developed nation like the United States are much nicer.

So I do recommend the film, provided you've seen the first two. Otherwise, you'll be as lost as the American intelligence services.

And yes, the fight scenes--as always--are great. They should be, since I'm the one who taught Keanu Reeves all those fancy martial arts moves. Especially the parts where they cartwheel across the ceiling (gravity is for sissies).

And before you ask: No, we never dated.

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

William Raspberry has written an interesting opinion piece. It talks about an old legend that says African tribesmen used to trap monkeys by cutting small holes in coconuts. Then they would fill the coconuts with rice or some other food which appeals to the monkeys.

The little fellows would then come along and squeeze their open paws through the opening. They would grasp the rice inside BUT--and this the hilarious part--then find themselves unable to remove their now closed fist from the hole. So the monkey is now stuck!

Of course, all he has to do is open his fist and he would be able to extract his open paw. But that would also mean giving up the rice, and they're unwilling to do that!

Raspberry's point is that I'm a monkey and Bush is a coconut.... No, wait.... I think I'M supposed to be the coconut and BUSH is the monkey.... Yes, that would seem to make more sense.

And, of course, my oil is like the rice. Bush has his fist around it, but he's stuck inside the coconut of Iraq, and unwilling to loosen his grip on my oil. All in all, HIGHLY ironic situation!!

Hold on.... I just got an IM from Alanis Morissette. Let me see what she wants....

Okay, here's the deal: Alanis says the coconut story is NOT irony. It's actually something called a "metaphor." Whatever. I always thought metaphors were those rocks that fell from space. I'll just pretend I know what she's talking about. That always worked when we were dating.

Anyway, in the meantime maybe I can distract Bush with a banana long enough to get my coconut back.

----------Bill Day, Memphis Commercial Appeal
(Thanks to Vaiday Subbaraman for sending it in)

I have to hand it to the Washington Post. They actually get a story or two right on occasion. They have finally figured out why I never launched a serious counterattack: I believed my French and Russian buddies when they said I could easily survive a land invasion by the US.

I suppose that in a strictly technical and narrowly defined legal sense, they were right. I'm still alive!

----------Wasserman, Boston Globe

On Halloween, I made brief mention of the Legend of Camelman. One of my many legions of readers, a Mr. Bill, left a comment asking me to more fully explain the story. Now, as a busy despot struggling to reclaim my country so that I can get back to the important business of slaughtering various ethnic groups, I don't usually have time for requests. In fact, merely talking to me can get you killed. However, Mr. Bill amuses me at times, much like a gay animal trainer in fancy clothes amuses a tiger. Uh.... Not that I'm gay, you understand. That was just intended as an example.

However, I'm in a good mood tonight. Therefore, I have decided to share with you, my beloved infidel readers...

The Legend of Camelman

When I was growing up, and even as a young, studly man baggin' babes left and right, I used to hear stories about some half-man, half-camel creature known as "Camelman." Supposedly this beast prowled the desert of northwestern Iraq, occassionally feasting on unsuspecting good looking teenagers foolishly caught in the throes of unbridled hormonal passion. But I, as all other well educated Iraqi citizens (both of them) dismissed the tales as fables concocted by superstitious villagers to keep the kids in line. However, I would soon learn that it was I who was ignorant....



It was late 1973 when I was on a date with Barbara Streisand. We were in the backseat of my brand new Chevy Vega while parked at the Tikrit Drive-In Cinema and Drafthouse. All of a sudden, Babs jumped up and said she thought she heard something.



Well, I'm busy rounding third base and heading for home plate, so of course I'm going to tell her that I didn't hear anything, so put your hand back where it was.



No sooner did I start my slide in for the score, that the car began rocking back & forth, up & down, and side to side. Meanwhile, she's screaming at the top of her lungs, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD...." Needless to say I was feeling pretty darn proud of my performance.... At least until I realized I wasn't the one rocking the car... OR Barbara!



I looked up only to see some hideous apparition with a furry face, big ears, and a great big hump on his back clawing at the windows! Well, I immediately yelled and reached for my gun, but the man-beast galloped off into the night before I could shoot my load.



Er, the load in my gun, I mean.



So a few years later, after I had come to power, I kept hearing the tales about Camelman. It continued to terrorize the people in the area between Baghdad, Tikrit, and Fallujah, and my fellow Sunnis were begging me to help. Of course, my aids all thought these people were nuts, and I couldn't let on that I knew the stories were true. Plus, we were at war with Iran, so I couldn't just order my generals to go chasing after some myth. Well, I guess I could have, but then they'd start talking behind my back, and I'd have to launch a purge, and execute dozens of previously loyal underlings. And going into a war, I frankly didn't need the distraction.



So in September of '81 I recruited 18 students from Baghdad's Kadhimya High School to go look for Camelman. Well, except I kind of lied. First time in my life, too. I told them it was part of some sort of science project. I calculated that if they disappeared, then I'd have an excuse to send military units up there to search for them.... And for anything else... "suspicious."



Needless to say, they vanished without a trace.



So I began sending army units into the area. But they, too, would either disappear entirely, or else turn up dead horribly mutilated.



Meanwhile, I'm trying to fight a frikkin' war with Iran, so my resources were somewhat limited. Yet, I also couldn't just ignore the Camelman problem. If he had been victimizing Kurds or Shiites, I wouldn't have given a crap. But this... "thing" was eating my fellow Sunni Muslims. We were already a minority of the population, so I could ill afford to keep losing supporters. Plus, I shrewdly realized that if I got rid of Camelman once and for all, the people of the "Sunni Triangle" would be forever indebted to me. After all, one never knows when one might need to go into hiding for an extended period of time....



So the last week of October, I decided to go after Camelman myself. Nothing happened the first few nights, but on the 31st, I heard a strange noise outside my tank. I peeked outside, and sure enough, it was HIM!!!



But before I could react, Camelman ripped the main barrel right off the turret and ate it. Hoping for reinforcements, I immediatly started driving towards Fallujah with him right behind me. Then, on the outskirts of the city, the stupid tank ran out of gas! I scrambled out the safety hatch just as he began tearing the turret to shreds. I bravely began lobbing grenades at the creature, but Camelman just ate those as well. I tried firing a few mortar rounds at him, but he was still hungry.



I briefly toyed with the idea of taming Camelman and starting an animal act in Vegas, but that dream disappeared in a puff of reality when the beast devoured my machine gun. It was at this point, seemingly face to face with the instrument of my death, that I vowed to never again be caught without a supply of weapons of mass destruction.



My eyes gaught the gleam of my sword amid the tattered remains of my tank. It had only recently been forged from special steel in Japan by a retired Samurai Master. And for the skeptics among you, I'm actually quite good with a sword. Who do you think taught Uma Thurman her technique in Kill Bill? That's right; it was me. Back when the two of us were dating, of course. But I digress....



In a bold move, I somersaulted over his head, performing a dramatic slow-motion triple backflip in midair for no discernable reason except that it looked really cool, and landed behind Camelman. He swung at me wildly with his tail, but I deftly avoided it by cartwheeling across the ground. In one smooth move I grabbed my sword, lept to my feet, and ran up the wall of a nearby three story building to the roof. From there. I saw a telephone cable directly over the now thoroughly confused creature's head and jumped. Grabbing the cable with one hand and holding the sword in the other, I sliced through the thick wire like it was butter. I swung down towards Camelman, and blindly swung the blade.



As I landed in a cloud of dust just down the street, I turned just in time to see the beast's head fall to the ground and roll down a storm drain. The rest of the body stood there motionless for a moment, then toppled forward and landed with a dull thud in the dirt.



And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of Camelman.

Epilogue

Stories persist to this day that the ghost of Camelman appears every Halloween and wanders the streets of Fallujah searching for his missing head. However, in 22 years, there has never been another documented attack by the creature.

Sorry. Don't have time to update today. I'm tied up at the Baghdad Kinko's printing fliers. In the meantime, amuse yourselves with the following:



Non-Sequitur--by Wiley

Happy Halloween!!

Oh, you didn't know we celebrate Halloween here in Iraq? Well, congratulations on broadening your narrow little minds today! And you thought this site was a worthless waste of time....

The kids dress up in terrifying costumes such as ghosts, goblins, witches, and US Army Rangers. Then they go out trick-or-treating, collecting bagfuls of candy and munitions.

Then afterwards, the families gather around the fireplace, which is kind of stupid since it's still 87 degrees at night, and tell scary stories.

My personal favorite from when I was growing up was the one about the legend of the Camelman. He was supposedly a half-man, half-camel psycho killer who would prey on young lovers parked in the desert.

Some say his ghost still appears on Halloween and wanders the streets of Fallujah looking for his head.

If you go by Bush's definition of success, the New York Yankees won the World Series in four games!

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

I've been noticing some disturbing irregularities in my bank statements over the last several months, and it has nothing to do with Mugubu Otunga of Cameroon who keeps asking for my account numbers in order to expedite some "immediate business opportunity."

No, my missing money is being stolen by.... AMERICANS!!!! They have been using seized Iraqi assets and my own personal petty cash stockpiles stuffed into the walls of my palaces to pay for such worthless things as hospital supplies, humanitarian needs, road repairs, and bringing power plants back on line! How outrageous is that?!?! The Americans have been doing this in order to circumvent their own bureaucratic hurdles.

Need I point out yet AGAIN that my roads did not have potholes until a certain unnamed world superpower started dropping 1,000 pound bombs on them? So why in Allah's name am I the one getting billed for the damage? Needless to say, I am so outraged that I'm sputtering, and now I have spit all over the inside of my windshield.

You can bet your sweet bippy that I'm keeping track of every last penny that has been stolen from me. And when the time comes, I'll expect Misters Bush and Rumsfeld to sit down with my accountants from Arthur Andersen and work out a repayment plan.

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Remember Bush's speech from the deck of that aircraft carrier? Remember the "Mission Accomplished" banner? Well, now the President is saying it wasn't his idea.

Yeah, right. American leaders seem to have an awful lot of problems mastering the English language. Bush can't seem to define the word "accomplished," and the guy before him didn't know what the definition of the word "is" is.

Remember Lt. Smash, who was over here a few months ago looking for me? Some 125,000 of his closest buddies are still doing so. Unsuccessfully, I should add.

Anyway, Lt. Smash--or is it MR. Smash now?--lives near San Diego. He is providing some riveting accounts of the fires plaguing that area. Those fires, incidentally, are fueled by the dreaded Santana Winds.

See, that's the nice thing about living in a desert. There's nothing here that'll burn. Well, aside from the occasional Humvee or Bradley fighting vehicle, I mean.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Well, the New York Yankees shouldn't feel too bad about losing the World Series. After all, they're not the first superpower to embarass themselves this year.

Tens of thousands of my beloved supporters are demonstrating in Saddam City, DC--er, I mean WASHINGTON, DC (for a while longer, anyway)--on my behalf. Such open shows of devotion always warm the cockles of my heart!! Or maybe I'm just feeling that pastrami sandwich I had earlier....

And while I may not be entirely sure exactly what a "cockle" is, I am quite certain that mine is bigger than any other man's.

Anyway, I had hoped to get to America and address the crowds, but things didn't quite work out. I did have a ticket on Ghetto Dilta Airlines all the way to JFK in New York, and then I was going to take a cab to LaGuardia and catch the USAir Shuttle to DC. Then on the way back I was going to try and sneak into Yankee stadium for tonight's game.

But all my well-laid plans were for naught when I ran into a slight snag at Saddam International Airport. It seems my titanium alloy penile implant kept setting off the metal detector!

Hopefully my supporters can take comfort in the fact that I am with them in spirit, if not in body.

And my friends call ME paranoid!!!

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

The Florida Marlins won last night and are now one game from beating the evil New York Yankees. Consequently, I've been wearing my "ABTFNYY" hat all day.

But the other big news item of the day is that a US Senate Committee has concluded that the case against me was "overstated."

Well.... DUH!!!

Most of the problem seems to center on a 100 page "National Intelligence Estimate" that was put together in October of last year. This NIE consisted of reports from assorted intelligence agencies regarding the threats posed by my humble little country, not only at that time but during an actual war and subsequent occupation. The problem is that these NIE things usually take up to a year to properly assemb; this one was thrown together in three weeks.

So the question now becomes: Was this report simply a failure of the intelligence community, or was it deliberately tailored to fit the White House's expectations?

This whole situation kind of reminds me of a Roadrunner cartoon. Naturally, I'm the Roadrunner, always evading the various traps laid out for me.

And the White House and Pentagon are the coyote. Every little plan to catch me keeps blowing up in their faces.

But that's what happens when the Acme corporation supplies your intelligence information.

Oh.... And in case you're wondering what the "ABTFNYY" on my hat stands for: Anyone But The New York Yankees.

People sometimes ask if I'm a baseball fan. "Why do you ask?" I always answer as I pistol whip them into a semi-comatose state. "Are you with the CIA?!?!"

Still, I suppose it is a legitimate question in light of all the recent attention on the world series. And the short answer would have to be "No." The game, as it stands now, is just too boring. Plant land mines in the outfield and equip the dugouts with machine guns, and that should liven things up.

Still, I must confess that I did caught up in the Chicago Cubs hoopla during the last couple of weeks. For deep psychological reasons that I really can't explain, I tend to identify with the underdog in any conflict.

And I suppose that's also why I so despise the New York Yankees. I have always hated big superpowers that go around beating up on helpless smaller countries.... Er, I mean, baseball teams. So for that reason, and that reason alone, I'm rooting for the Marlins in tonight's game 5.

President Bush, forced to flee the United States by his declining poll numbers, decided to address the Australian Parliament. However, some members ended up heckling him.

Democracy can be so dignified at times!

It seems that the United States government is springing more leaks than the Titanic ever did!!!

The latest furor is over a memo Rumsfeld wrote to some of his top brass. And unlike the rosy picture he keeps trying to paint to the press, this memo says that the US is in for a "long, hard slog in Iraq and Afghanistan." Needless to say, this document was not supposed to become public, and the Rum Man is quite furious that it was divulged.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. You see, apparently this is a "bad" leak for the Bush Administration, whereas the other leak--about the CIA agent--was a "good" leak. Any bets on which leak's source gets found first?

This is what happens when your ship of state hits an iceberg named Iraq!

There are few things I enjoy more in life than a good Bush-bashing cartoon. That's why the future position of Minister of Cartoons is, quite frankly, a toss-up between Gary Trudeau and Aaron McGruder.

For those of you not familiar with Aaron's work on my behalf, he draws the comic strip "Boondocks." I am a faithful reader of his daily contributions to anti-Americanism, and quite frankly, there are times I am amazed by the size of his cahones.

And last week, Aaron had them on full display as he went after Condoleeza Rice. Unfortunately, the Washington Post decided decided to censor his work and did not run the six installment series. Quite frankly, I was surprised to read of this since the very liberal Post is usually in the forefront of Bush-bashing.

As a public service to my vast readership, I have compiled the strips in question into a single location and you may view them here.

In what I can only assume is a sign of a growing rift between the US military and that country's civilian government, the United States navy has defeated National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice.

I didn't even know they were fighting!!

As it turns out, the troubles now plaguing the illegal occupiers of my homeland should NOT have come as a surprise to anyone! The United States State Department had spent a year and $5 million preparing a report that predicted uncontrolled looting, problems restoring electricity, and strong resistance to the occupation. Rumsfeld and the rest of the brass at the Pentagon poo-pooed the idea, however, and instead predicted unbridled joy and jubilation among my sheep, er, "people" at their liberation.

How many times do I have to explain this: Democracy will not work in Iraq (actually, Democracy is a failed concept; I shall address this point later). If presented with freedom, they will immediately begin stealing anything that's not nailed down, as well as killing one another. They need a brutal dictator to keep their passions in check.

And the Iraqi people understand this. They may bitch & moan, but deep down, they appreciate my brutal control of their lives. It's much simpler to go about one's daily routines when someone else dictates what that routine will be.

And now they miss me.

I just hope you Americans are pleased with yourselves.

Yeah, that Bush is a shrewd fellow. Can't get anything past him.... Unless, of course, you work in the White House and illegally give out the names of CIA agents.

----------Danziger, Tribune Media Services

Bush and Powell are claiming major success in the United Nations, but why? No one else is sending troops to reinforce the Americans, and there is vast disagreement over what kind of financial aid should be offered. So then what, exactly, is the victory?

Even worse, the New York Yankees are in the World Series AGAIN!!! What is this, their 108th appearance since 1881? Does anyone think that there's a single person outside of New York who gives a pile of camel dung that the Yankees are in it? I seriously doubt it.

Now if it had been the Cubs and the Red Sox, then that's something the rest of the world would have been interested in. Of course, the chances of such a matchup ever happening are about the same as the chances of a successful democratic society taking root in Iraq.

When I take over the United States, I shall ban the Yankees from all future World Series for the next 50 years.

Give someone else a chance to play, for crying out loud!

Have you heard what singer Alanis Morrisette did in Peru the other day? She ended her first concert ever in Lima by yelling, "Thank you Brazil!!" Very sloppy work, and to think I was going to make her my Minister of Irony!!

Need I point out that the Dixie Chicks would never, ever have made the mistake of saying something stupid in front of a concert audience?

One of my bodyguards, concerned for my safety, has suggested I should "tone down" my personality and be somewhat more iinconspicuous. Specifically, he's worried because whenever I arrive in a new town to hide, I blast Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" through the giant speakers I have mounted on the roof of my '73 Vega.

I was touched beyond words by his very legitimate concern for my personal security. It was obviously a matter he had given a lot of consideration to. I thanked him profusely for his hard work, and his devotion to my well being.

Then I shot the insolent bastard.

----------Oliphant

Here's a news item about Shiite factions shooting at one another in Karbala. And the American's response is that they may have to intervene soon!

I just don't get it.... When the Shiites kill one another, no one really seems to give a flying load of crap in a sandstorm about it.

But when I kill Shiites, I end up being condemned by the international community of nations!!!

Either way you've got a pile of dead Shiites, right? So what the hell's the difference how they got that way?

I love this time of year. All the new TV shows are starting their new seasons after a summer filled with nothing but reruns. For example, tonight is the season premier of one of my favorites, CSI: Baghdad.

I love it when they use special effects to reenact crimes.

So yesterday the American military was saying they had "credible evidence" that I was in Tikrit. But now, only a day later, they are denying the existence of any such evidence and are basically admitting they don't have a clue as to my true whereabouts! Well, wherever I am, I'm sure that $87 billion is being well spent.

Curious though, how none of these reports ever mentions a '73 Vega....

----------Jack Ohman, Portland Oregonian

Earlier I went into a 7-11 and bought a pack of cigarettes (Yes, I smoke. I had actually quit a few years ago at the urging of my now ex-wife Jennifer Lopez. But until then, I used to smoke like a burning oil field. Recent stressful events in my life, however, have driven me back to it). So the clerk gives me my change, but it's obviously counterfeit!! So I said "HEY!! What's with the fake Dinars?" And the little weasel explains that's what the NEW Dinars are like: No more pictures of "that Saddam guy" on them."

Then I realized all the other customers, including a squad of American GI's who were buying camel jerky, were staring at me, so I put the clerk back down and released my grip on his throat. I'm still trying to get the hang of this being a woman thing, and lifting people off the ground with one arm, slicing their throats open, and ripping their insolent tongues out is apparently considered unladylike around here.

Oh, and in case you're wondering what brand I smoke.... Camels, of course.

Did you happen to catch that Red Sox/Yankees game yesterday? Now I'm not much of a baseball fan, you understand, but I am forcing myself to watch it so that I may better understand the people I will soon be ruling. But quite frankly, it is an extremely boring game. As the great infidel funny man Robin Williams once put it, "Baseball is five minutes of excitement crammed into three hours."

There was a brief burst of excitement--and hope--when the Red Sox ganged up on a 72 year old man, but it only lasted a moment. Still, it gave me a great idea for improving the overall pace of baseball games.

Equip the dugouts with rocket propelled grenade launchers, mortars, heavy artillery, and assorted WMD's. That ought to liven things up a bit!

Oh, wait.... I just remembered something.... I DON'T HAVE ANY WMD'S!!!!

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Here's a wonderful article about the San Francisco/Oakland/Berkeley area and how depressed they are over the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is painfully obvious that these poor lost souls are eagerly awaiting my arrival, and their soon-to-follow liberation from the yoke of oppressive democracy.

They just don't know it yet.

And people wonder why I love the French so....

----------Ramirez, LA Times

Loyal reader and infidel without a life because he spends all day on his stupid computer reading blogs rlpekrul asks if I have any suggestions about how the illegal occupiers should deal with the Shiites. rlpekrul is concerned that if the Americans start killing Shiites themselves, then the Shiite population may become depleted, thereby depriving me of my favorite hobby when I make my triumphant return to Baghdad.

First of all, I don't normally discuss military strategy with total strangers. For all I know, rlpekrul is actually Donald Rumsfeld. If such is the case, let ME ask YOU a question, Rummy: Now that your role in Iraq has been diminished and Condi Rice is in charge of the operation, how does it feel to be working for a woman!?! Is she making you use coasters? HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

What a wuss....

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, Shiites.... I will say that this doesn't concern me. Shiites are like cockroaches in that there are always more of them. Even if the Americans do begin killing Shiites by the hundreds, more will crawl out from underneath the refrigerator the moment the lights are turned off.

So no, I'm not concerned that there might not be any left for me to shoot.

But thanks for asking.

I don't understand why this Iranian chick won the Nobel Peace Prize. I thought for sure it would have been either me or George Bush!!

This is terrible, horrible news. Absolutely depressing! The only thing that could possibly be any worse is a Chicago Cubs/Boston Red Sox World Series!! What am I saying? That's just downright unimaginable!!

Anyway, what might otherwise have my underwear in a bunch--except that I don't wear any--is the news that there have been no major power outages in Iraq for four frikkin' days now!!!! This is, of course, a major setback for me. For their sakes, my saboteurs had better pray that they are either dead or rotting in a coalition prison. Otherwise, heads will roll for this outrage.... Literally!!!

Yes, I'm sure this is something my people will look forward to.

----------Oliphant

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Curious thing, this "democracy" crap. Even after I rehired all those former personal hookers of mine to go to "Calleeforneeah" and make up stories about how Schwarzenegger groped them, the voters STILL went out and voted for the former Nazi sympathizer. Hell, if the rest of the United States is anything like California, I'll have no problem emerging triumphant in the Presidential election next year.

Of course, I don't expect to win the Shiite vote....

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Bush's desperation in Iraq is becoming increasingly obvious. Now he has ordered a major reorganization of the so-called reconstruction of my country.

And as much as I hate to beat a dead camel, let me again point out that NO FRIKKIN' RECONSTRUCTION WOULD HAVE BEEN FRIKKIN' NECESSARY IF HE HADN'T FRIKKIN' ATTACKED ME IN THE FIRST FRIKKIN' PLACE!!!!!!!!

Whoa!!! Almost popped a blood vessel in my head with that one!

Anyway, the new setup give Condeleeza Rice more control over the goings-on in Iraq. This is good for me, since it diminishes that fire-breathing lunatic psychopath schizo Rumsfeld's authority. Besides, Rice is a good gal.

I used to date her, you know.

Now conservative commentator and leading infidel loudmouth George F. Will, who is about as Republican as they come, is calling on the Bush Administration to admit it f*cked up. Well, maybe not quite in so many words, but that's certainly the gist of it.

Look, any time Bush decides he's ready to apologize, he knows where to reach me....

Oh, wait, NO HE DOESN'T!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------KAL,Baltimore Sun

Tomorrow's the big day, the day I take over California! While I haven't made any actual campaign appearances, my scheme to plant dozens of women with stories about Arnold's sexual harassment is coming along quite nicely.

I have come up with a new poll. Now please don't misunderstand me: I still don't give a camel's ass what you think.... in general. On the other hand, I have watched with keen interest the difficulties you Americans have had in restoring order in Iraq. And if there's one thing I've learned from this embarassing fiasco, it's that you absolutely have to win the hearts and minds of the people you plan to rule.... THEN you abuse the hell out of them.

Consequently, I would like to determine what is important to the average infidel in the street.

In the meantime, here are the preliminary results for "Who would you like to see elected President of the United States in 2004?" Not that THESE results really matter, you understand....





Me (combined total)-------------------------62

John Kerry-------------------------------------03

Wesley Clark----------------------------------16

The Dixie Chicks, provided they deliver

their State of the Union addresses in

their underwear------------------------------44

Micheal Moore (combined total)-----------09

Howard Dean (combined total)------------06

A fully clothed Hillary Clinton---------------08





As you can see, I am the overwhelming favorite among Americans, according to this highly scientific unbiased poll of my fan base. However, the strong showing by the Dixie Chicks indicates that a sizeable percentage of you people, while solidly unamerican, are also sexual deviants. But that's cool; I kind of identify with you.

Over the weekend Israel bombed the crap out of some terrorist training camp near Damascus, and now Syria wants the United Nations to condemn the action.

Yeah, right. Fat chance of that happening.

I've got an entire frikkin' foreign army illegally occupying MY country, and the UN ain't doing squat about it. So why in the name of Allah they give a crap about a measly little bombing raid?

If Syrian President Bashar Assad really wants something to whine about, he should try putting himself in my shoes for a while.

I can only assume that the artist drew me crawling out of a sewer only because he doesn't know what a '73 Chevy Vega looks like.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

My rival for the governorship of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is apologizing for some "past mistakes." A number of women have accused him of groping them, making lewd & suggestive remarks, improper physical contact, grabbing their breasts & buttocks, trying to remove their bathing suits, and assorted other acts of sexual harassment.

So what's the problem?

I have to admit I'm beginning to admire Bush for his stubborness. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he continues to insist I "was a danger to the world." In what way? Manufacturing spitballs of mass destruction? Hocking up loogies onto sidewalks? What else am I supposed to do with my excess phlegm?

Yesterday Bush's own chief weapons inspector, David Kay, testified to congress that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq. In fact, the only violation of any kind he has uncovered thus far is a missile we were developing that exceeded illegally imposed range limits.

Well, excu-u-u-u-se me!!! Slap me on the wrist and send me to bed without my supper! The fact is that missile's design was a mistake! Really!! I would never, ever intentionally deceive the United Nations! There was a mathematical mistake involving the conversion of kilometers into miles. But that's what I get for hiring former NASA rocket scientists....

Bush needs to just admit he was wrong and put this whole thing behind him. He should go on National TV this Sunday night--preferably AFTER The Simpsons--and say,

"My fellow Americans.... I f*cked up. Good night. May God continue to bless the United States." Now that's 16 words that would make up for those OTHER 16 that got him in so much trouble last January. Why, it may even qualify as irony!!

I'll run the speech by Alanis Morissette and see what she says.

I always suspected as much....

----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

I am truly glad I'm a despot and don't have to deal with that democracy crap. I mean, what in the name of Allah's green Earth is going on in Washington?

When that Democrat Clinton was in the White House, the Republicans constantly had special prosecutors crawling all over him, investigating one thing or another. I seem to remember him sneezing one time, and Newt Gingrich demanded his resignation. At the same time, the Democrats were saying there's no need for special prosecutors, it's all just politics, and who the hell is Gingrich to point fingers at anyone when he's shtupping a 34 year old woman who's not his wife?

So now that they have one of their own in the White House, the Republicans are the ones saying there's no need for a special prosecutor, while the Democrats WANT to appoint one!

I mean, is something in the water, or the air, or is it the temperate climate?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

This actually brings up a related point:

Bush went against world opinion by invading me, and he launched his invasion on increasingly questionable grounds. As a result thousands of people have died, his military is stretched to the breaking point, Muslim extremists are more fired up than ever, and he has led the United States into a quagmire from which there can be no face saving exit.

Not to mention the fact that an entire country, which had been quite stable, has now been thrown into a state of total anarchy! But enough about the United States.....

Despite all these inescapable facts, Bush remains popular.

Now his predecessor, Clinton (who never, EVER, tried to invade me) led America through eight years of relative calm and increasing prosperity. And in return, he gets his butt impeached for playing hide the lollipop with a chick half his age?!?! Oh yes, that's much MUCH worse a crime than revealing the name of a CIA operative, an act that may well endanger lives and compromise national security.

It is obvious the United States needs strong leadership more than ever. And I'm tanned, rested, and ready to go.

I can't believe Arianna Huffington did this to me!



The two of us were having dinner the other evening, and she confided that she was thinking about dropping out of the California governor's race and endorsing me. Well, of course, this immediately got my attention.



So we finish eating, have a few too many glasses of wine, one thing leads to another, and the next thing I know, we're out in my '73 Vega testing the springs in the backseat! It was great!! The best one-woman-at-a-time sex I've had in years!

She told me she loved me, and of I course believed it. Really. I honestly thought we had something special.



So what does she go and do? She pulls out of the governor's race as promised, all right, but then she endorses that weiner Gray Davis!!!! How could she do that to me? Didn't the other night mean anything to her!?!



I now realize that she never really cared about me as a person. All her empty promises were nothing but a clever ploy to get in my pants.



Anyway, I've gone through three tubs of chocolate ice cream and am finally starting to feel better.

And what is the deal with Dick Cheney? Perhaps those various heart medications of his are causing him to hallucinate. Or maybe he's smoking you-know-what.... For purely medicinal purposes, of course.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Cheney continues to insist I was some how connected to the 9-11 attacks. For Allah's sake, even the FBI and CIA have now discredited those accusations!! Bush himself has said I had nothing to do with it, but his credibility is so shot to hell that it doesn't help my case.....

Still, Cheney's stubborness shouldn't surprise anyone. Word on the street is that he also believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and O.J.'s innocence.

Well, well, well.... If the White House gets itself in any more hot water than it already is, it will feel like a turkish bath in that place.

Remember Joseph Wilson? He's the diplomat who discredited the reports that I had been trying to buy yellow pancake mix from Niger so I could build my own personal collection of nuclear warheads. Apparently someone in the White House got so upset that his report didn't support the Administration's invasion of my unarmed, powerless nation that they decided to leak the fact that Wilson's wife was some sort of hush-hush operative in the Central Infidel Agency. Now only was this petty act of retribution (which I admire because it's the type of thing I would do) a felony, but it potentially endangered her life, as well as the lives of her contacts.

Now this whole fiasco is being investigated by the Justice Department.

I am trying EXTREMELY hard not to bust a gut laughing, since it might give away my position.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Bush signed that controversial "Do Not Call List" bill into law today. In the process he delivered a few choice remarks directed at the telemarketers.

Don't believe for a moment that I don't realize what he's up to: He's trying to steal the very issue I was planning to use to win over the hearts and minds of the American public.

Can't say I blame him, though.... With his presidency in the toilet, and the fickle finger of history on the handle ready to flush, Bush is becoming increasingly desperate.

In fact, don't be surprised if he starts trying to avoid the press by driving around Washington in a '73 Vega.

You know, whatever differences I may have with the Bush administration--and quite frankly, some of those differences are rather significant--I remain a big fan of American popular culture, especially music.

By now all of you know that I just can't get enough of the Dixie Chicks.... And their music is okay, too.

I was a huge fan of the late Warren Zevon. Whenever his song Werewolves of London would come on WSADDAM (92.5 FM, if you're ever in Baghdad) I'd sing along to it. That part where he goes "AARROOOO!!!" was great. Beggars in the streets would scatter everytime I got to that part.

But I am especially fond of the blues, and my all-time favorite singer in that area is Ray Charles.

And while I would never pretend to know more about singing the Blues than Ray Charles, I think--and this is merely a suggestion, you understand--he should consider getting one of those newfangled Braille microphones.

I should point out that while I'm no fan of telemarketers, I also despise spammers. There is NOTHING wrong with my penis, okay? As any of the 27,354 women I've slept with will attest, I am hung like a camel. So stop sending me email telling me I'm somehow inferior. I strongly suspect that spammers send out their insulting garbage in a sad attempt to mask their OWN sexual inadequacies.

Rest assured that when I take over the United States of Saddam, I shall put a stop to the activities of both groups. And there will be no silly appeals to the courts screaming about violations of free speech, simply because there won't be any more first amendment.

I know that some of you are upset by that kind of talk. And you are the people who must make up your minds once and for all: Do you want to put a stop to intrusive telemarketing calls and garbage filled spam, or do you want that silly old Constitution of yours? Because you can't have both, you know. Besides, the stupid thing is like, what, 200 some years old? The damn ink in the original document is so faded by now, no one can read it anyway! So are you going to take the word of some judge--who isn't an elected official to begin with--about what it really says? For all you know, your Founding Fathers had an Article or Clause or paragraph in there calling for the slow, torturous deaths of anyone found guilty of telemarketing and spamming!

Oh, and if you're wondering what I plan to do with those illegible original copies of your Constitution, I plan to auction them off on eBay. We can use the proceeds to pay off the enormous debt you guys ran up invading Iraq.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution