---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

________________________________________________

Another day, another carbombing.

But aside from that, and the constant roadside bombings, and the neverending kidnappings of foreigners, and the steady sabotage of oil pipelines, and the nonstop political assassinations, our transition to democracy is going remarkably well!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I'm rather shocked that my ex-wife Jennifer Lopez turned around and married this Marc Anthony fellow. Isn't he kind of old for her? I mean, wasn't this guy a friend of Julius Caesar?

Besides, she and I went out on a date just a couple of weeks ago and we had talked about getting back together after my current, um, "legal difficulties" are cleared up.

What? You're surprised the guards would let me do that? Well, of course they wouldn't, you idiot of an infidel. I'm facing charges of.... Wait.... Exactly what charges am I facing? No one's really been able to explain that to me. It's not like I had any weapons of mass destruction. And I'm not the one who went off half-cocked and invaded another country looking for them, thereby pissing 90% of the civilized world after declaring I would go it alone, and then went back and told them it's their duty to get my singed ass out of the frying pan. After all, what world leader could possibly be that stupid?

Still, there's no denying the fact that I'm in a jail cell. Well, most of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I took my life size inflatable Britney Spears doll, stuck it in my bed, and covered it with blankets so it would look like I was actually there sleeping. Then I crawled up through the ceiling and shimmied through a ventilation shaft to the outside. Afterwards, I met JLo at little cafe around the corner. We had dinner, talked a while about her career and my own future plans. Then we went out to a show.

It was a magnificent production of Andrew Lloyd Habib's musical "Camels." Kind of a weird storyline, though. Something about different kinds of camels, and they all sing about their lives.

But the best part comes at the end. That's when Old Deuteronomy, the magical three hump camel, dramatically descends from the heavens to pick one other camel to go back with him. Then all the other remaining camels come back out and sing the finale. It's all quite lavish and moving.

Admittedly, I don't quite get the story. It's probably symbolic of something or another, like maybe they're ascending to paradise and there's 72 camel virgins up there. Who knows? I'm not very good with literary symbols and allegories and crap like that.

Hell, I still think "Moby Dick" was about a whale.... And I'll torture anyone who tells me otherwise.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

________________________________________________

Ever wonder what it's like to be caught in an ambush? If you're guessing that it's not particularly pleasant, well, then you're smarter than the average infidel. Daniel Williams of The Washington Post has written a piece detailing his own experience during an ambush and the subequent high speed chase.

Now please understand that it's not my intention to harm reporters, but sometimes my supporters become a little, shall we say, "overzealous."

Besides, that "Bush in '04" bumpersticker on the back didn't help.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

at 5:43 AM

There are times I almost--ALMOST--feel sorry for the Americans. And just as that first tear is ready to start rolling down my cheek. I'll turn around and start laughing my ass off. It's the same sort of mix of empathy and amusement I usually reserve for the mentally handicapped.

The latest bit of difficulty to befall the occupiers comes from northern Iraq, where now the Kurds are threatening to pull out of the "new" Iraqi government.

When will Bush learn that there are no solutions in the Middle East? Just oil and a whole shitload of sand.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

The Americans continue to beat themselves silly over that torture business. Quite frankly, I think the whole business is just plain stupid. First of all, their methods really weren't all that great. In fact, it was more like something from some grade B homosexual porn film than actual torture.

Anyway, the American Attorney General John Ashcroft was testifying before congress about it. Apparently there was some sort of memo which told the White House it was okay under international law to torture Al Qaeda suspects. And even though parts of this memo have leaked to the media, Ashcroft is still refusing to share the documents with congress.

You know, that John Ashcroft is an interesting guy. Did you know he used to be a Senator, and when he ran for reelection in 2000 he lost to a dead guy!!!!

No wonder we Iraqis are scared to death of democracy!

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

The tribunal that is supposed to try me on whatever trumped up charges I'm facing is having a hard time getting organized because of all the violence plaguing Iraq.

Gee, I'm just heartbroken!

Turns out five potential members of the tribunal have been killed in the past year, and half its budget is going for security and insurance policies for its members.

Okay, so I made up the part about the insurance policies. The truth of the matter is that no one in the world is Stupid enough to grant any of them a policy.

I've been watching the coverage of former President Reagan's death, and the various remembrances of his life. There was one quote I saw that virtually leapt out of the TV, chased me around the room, and struck me over the head. So I tracked it down to a speech (it's in the 8th paragraph) he delivered to his country on March 23 of 1983:

"The defense policy of the United States is based on a simple premise: The United States does not start fights. We will never be an aggressor."

Did anyone bother pointing this out to President Bush?

A journalist in my city of Baqubah has summed up the reasons for all the resistance and violence the Americans continue to encounter: "If you want to give us freedom, a sort of democracy, then you don't kill people, you don't destroy houses, you don't run over cars with your tanks.... This only creates hatred."

On the other hand, what choice do you have if you invade a foreign country with absolutely no plan of restoring order or--most importantly--electricity?

THAT's what really pisses the Iraqis off, you know. Many of them look upon the United States as the most powerful nation on Earth, a nation which made all these grand promises, and they still haven't delivered on one of the most basic requirements of modern life: Electricity!!

That's why the Iraqi people want me back in power. Oh, they may not say so in exactly those words. And they may sometimes whine about how I often made relatives and loved ones "disappear." But deep down inside they realize that when I was in charge, they could flip a light switch and a darkened room would become bright, or turn on the air conditioner and cold, blessed air would flow forth, or click on the TV, and that lovable Homer Simpson would be strangling Bart.

Too bad no one in the Bush Administration thought of that ahead of time.

________________________________________________

---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star-Ledger

---------------Tom TolesWashington Post

That fat slob who convinced the Americans to invade me, Ahmed Chalabi, is slipping deeper and deeper into the hole he's dug for himself. It now appears that he was passing American secrets to Iran as early as 1995.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Never trust a damn Shiite!!

But does anyone ever listen to me? No, of course not. They just call me an evil tyrant and ignore me, like my opinions don't matter simply because I'm bad. So when I go and do something in a desperate bid for attention, like invade a weaker neighbor, everyone is suddenly calling for my head!

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this....

Central Infidel Agency Director George Tenet has resigned for "personal reasons.

Yeah, sure, personal reasons. I'm sure the fact that he completely blew the analysis about my non-existent weapons of mass destruction had absolutely nothing to do with his resignation.

---------------Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

And if you missed it, President Bush delivered the Commencement Address yesterday at the Air Force Academy in Colorado. It was a pretty good speech, except he still kept insisting that Iraq is part of the War on Terror. That's all fine and well, except for minor detail: There were no terrorists in Iraq until the United States muscled its way in here. Bush also said "Like the Second World War, our present conflict began with a ruthless, surprise attack on the United States."

Unless I'm mistaken, that was a reference to Pearl Harbor, which occurred in December of 1941.

Now I freely admit that I wasn't a history major in college, and I certainly don't have a degree from Yale the way Mr. Bush has, so you'll have to forgive if I'm wrong on this point, BUT it's always been my understanding that WWII began in 1939 with Hitler's invasions of Poland and Czechoslovakia. Oh, and I guess the Battle of Britain in 1940 doesn't count either. And didn't Hitler also invade France in 1940?

I'll bet it was George Tenet who briefed the President on the History of the second world war.

---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Before I forget, let me wish happy birthday to Alanis Morisette, who turns 30 today. Did you know that she almost became a teacher? Yes, it's true.

Why, that would have been almost as ironic as only finding mustard gas when what your looking for is sarin.... Not that I would know, of course.

In another 30 days (supposedly) the United States will be transferring sovereignty to an interim government in Iraq. And that means that.... Well.... Um.... Uh.... Hmmm.... No one seems to know what that means, least of all the United States.

The surviving members of the existing Governing Council are backing a Sunni for the position of President. The US, however, doesn't want him, and things are currently at a stalemate.

So there's the first lesson in Democracy for Iraq: The majority only counts if America says it can. And sovereignty only counts if the decisions go the way the United States wants them to go.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

The problem with the Council's choice, Ghazi Mashal Ajil al-Yawer, is that he blames the US for the current mess in my country, and wants the occupiers to leave out as of yesterday. Meanwhile, the United States' choice is some doddering 81 year old named Adnan Pachachi. Granted, he's a Sunni as well, but the cowardly little weasel fled Iraq when I took power 30 years ago.

Occupying a foreign country is never easy unless you kill everyone. But the problem with that is that the rest of the world gets all pissed off and condemns you as being "evil," like that's a bad thing.

That's why I made the decision 13 years ago to voluntarily pull out of Kuwait.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

________________________________________________

One of the things that has most bothered me over the past year were the accusations that I "looted" my country. Frankly, that never made sense to me. I mean, it's my country, right? And I was.... Er, AM the absolute dictator of Iraq, right? So how can I loot that which is already mine?

I have no qualms about being accused of brutality, political repression, and the occasional act of mass genocide here and there, but don't be impugning my honesty. That's just not right, and I won't stand for it. Rest assured that after the other charges against me are dropped, I will be filing a lawsuit for libel against the United States.

And you know what the kicker is in all this? George Bush has my pistol in his trophy case in the Oval Office!!!

So who's looting from whom now?

My apologies for not posting in several days, but I've been chained to the bars of my cell for most of the week.... No, no, I wasn't being tortured by the guards. What happened is that Barbara Striesand was paying me a conjugal visit and her husband called just as we were getting hot and heavy. She had to hurry home--something about people who need people--and she forgot about me!

Anyway, I'd like to offer a belated congratulations to my good friend and loyal supporter Michael Moore for his big win at the Cannes Film Festival. His movie Fahrenheit 9/11 has been getting rave reviews around the world, yet remains strangely unavailable to audiences in America.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

If you're not familiar with the film, it is very anti-Bush. Yet, according to those who have seen it, it is also very well done.

Oh, and by the way, it's only called Fahrenheit 9/11 in the United States and Great Britain. In the rest of the world it is being released as Celsius 488.33333.

---------------Oliphant

Faithful follower and noted infidel legal scholar Tung Yin writes: Hey Saddam, I realize that you aren't really running an advice column, but I figure that until those French lawyers get you acquitted ("if you can't find the poison gas, you've gotta give Saddam a pass"), you don't have too many better things to do. . . .

So here's my question: you know how that one former General of yours is now running Fallujah under a deal with the U.S. er, infidel Marines? Do you consider him to be a traitor to your cause, or is he a secret mole working against the foolish Americans?

Well, first of all, Mr. Yin, thank you for writing. It's always good to hear from my American followers, even if you people do have a predisposition for piling naked men on top of one another and pointing at their genitals. So I'm sure you'll understand if I ask you to keep your distance....

Secondly, I like your poem. That's very, very catchy! It's much better than that piece of crap Johnny Cochran auditioned with:

"So he gassed the Kurds,
They're just a bunch of turds.
And so he killed a bunch of Shiites,
Every last one of them bites.
If you value your life,
You must acquit."

I mean, what the hell was that?!?! The man has definitely lost a step or two since the O.J. trial.

At any rate, while I'm grateful for your offer of legal assistance--as well as all the other offers from around the world that have been pouring in--I don't think I'll be fine.

First of all, who's going to try me? Iraq has no government! Talk about not having any controlling legal authority!!! And anyone who dares to cooperate with the Americans automatically becomes a target!
Granted, they were going to form some sort of seven person tribunal to try me, but that bright idea has gone straight down the toilet. That tribunal was supposed to be headed by that fat pig Chalabi, but now his own butt is in the frying pan because he was caught passing secrets to the Iranians!!!

Besides, I would have gotten off on a technicality: By definition, a tribunal can only have three people! Am I right or am I right? Of course I'm right!!!

Now if they were going to form a septbunal, THEN I might have something to worry about....

As to your inquiry about Fallujah: That was a victory for my forces, pure and simple. The Americans surrendered the city and withdrew. They can call it "a deal" in order to save face, but everyone knows it was a victory for us. Perhaps not in a classic military sense, but in the court of Arab public opinion, we came out triumphant in that one.

Oh, and congratulations on the recent birth of your son. You once asked if I had any parenting advice for you, but I became distracted when I heard a guard coming down the hall. About the only advice I can give you is to love him, cherish him, and let him play with the controls in the torture chamber whenever you have a victim in there. Now some people may say you're spoiling them by doing that, but don't listen to them. In fact, stuff them into the torture chamber for daring to question your technique.

That's how I raised Uday and Qusay, and they turned out okay!

With Friends now off the air, many American's will be looking for fresh comedy shows with which to entertain themselves. Here's a great suggestion for tonight: President Bush will be delivering a speech to reassure his citizens that he is in full control of the situation in Iraq, and that the planning for the transfer of power on June 30 is right on schedule. He will also present a clear strategy for my country.

I know, I know. I was laughing myself silly just writing that. But hey, if he has finally come up with a clear strategy, all the more power to him! Some critics will no doubt point out that he should have done that a year and a half ago, but don't listen to them.

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

________________________________________________

Here's a startling statistic: Over 5500 Iraqis have been killed in the last 12 months just in Baghdad and three surrounding provinces! That's many more than ever died in any single day during my many years in power!

So much for the American occupation improving the lives of my subjects.... er, my fellow "citizens," I mean.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

________________________________________________

I am pleased to see that that lying sack of camel crap Ahmed Chalabi is in serious trouble with the Americans. If there is any justice in this sick, twisted world of ours, they will drag his fat Shiite ass off to prison, strip him naked, and have a woman point at his genitals.

Of course, she'll probably need a microscope to find them.

That fat f*ck, more than anyone else, is the one most responsible for my current legal problems. He and his so-called National Iraqi Congress supplied the infidels with false information about my non-existant weapons of mass destruction. Then he convinced Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld that the only way to disarm me of all these non-existant weapons of mass destruction was to invade my peaceful country and remove me from power.

HA!!!! Well, the whole frikkin' world can see how well that little plan worked out!!

Any other bright ideas, Mr. Fat Butt?

The whole thing was nothing more than a power grab by Chalabi. He thought he could use the Americans to basically pull off a coup and install him into power. Now why he thought this stupid plan would work, I have no idea. He and his family fled Iraq some 45 years ago, and he hasn't lived here since. And he thought he would be welcomed by the Iraqi people with open arms? He's a frikkin' foreigner, for crying out loud!!! He'd be lucky to land a job operating a leaf blower for a lawn service company!!! Especially since Iraq is frikkin' desert, and no one has lawns in the first frikkin' place!!!

Hmmm.... I'm guessing he's not a dog person....

What? The curtains?

---------------Oliphant

War is a nasty business. You go into a much smaller country thinking, hey, that was easy. The next thing you know, you're getting your ass handed to you on a platter. I learned that lesson the hard way in Kuwait, and now Mr. Bush has learned it in Iraq. Oh, perhaps not militarily, but in the all important court of Arab public opinion, the Americans have been dealt a horrible defeat. Nothing they do at this point, no amount of rationalization, and no fancy-schmancy explanations can change the irrevocable fact that they have lost the hearts and minds of not only the Iraqi people, but of the entire middle east.

One case in point is the business at the prison: Sure, the things I did there were much crueler and gruesome than anything the amateurish Americans could come up with. And certainly the things the insurgents have done to some of the bodies of dead Americans have been both horrible and inexcusable. But the thing to keep in mind is that no one expects us to behave in a civilized manner. We're supposed to be barbaric beyond words! We're the ones who have no respect for international law! Everyone in the world knows that, and consequently nothing we do surprises anyone.

The United States, on the other hand, is the one who's always preaching about the Geneva Conventions, and the rules of war, and how they expect their enemies to treat American POW's with the same care and respect that the U.S. gives to its captured enemies. So when the world suddenly finds that the United States is violating its own supposed standards, well, what does that does that do for their credibility? Not a whole lot.

It's all about fulfilling expectations.

And in the latest public relations fiasco to befall the Americans, one of their helicopters opened up on a wedding party, killing as many as 40 people. The Americans, of course, are saying that someone was shooting at the helicopter. The Iraqis, on the other hand, are saying that it was only celebratory gunfire, as is customary at weddings.

Well, sorry, but that's how we celebrate: By shooting guns into the air! Why, how should we celebrate a wedding? By eating cake!?!? Yeah, right. Don't be stupid.

Anyway, I have it on good authority that the President himself ordered this attack!

The CIA told him it was a gay wedding.

Needless to say, a lot of people are going "A-HA!!! We told you so!" after that artillery shell with the Sarin exploded yesterday. They're pointing at that as proof that I had vast stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!!

ONE frikkin' shell? And you're going to use as justification for turning the world upside down? Now that's desperation!

I don't know where that shell--assuming it even really had Sarin in it--came from. It certainly wasn't part of my official, non-existent stockpile! Generally speaking, we don't leave official use type of WMD's just lying around in the middle of the street. I mean, what do you think we are? Barbarians?

In all likelihood, that shell came out of someone's private collection.

What? Do I need to repeat myself? Fine. That's right, I said PRIVATE collection.

You know how in the rest of the world there are adults who collect stamps or coins or dolls... Er, I mean "action figures?" Well, here in Iraq we have a lot of WMD collectors. And on weekends they go to conventions where they buy and trade WMD's, much like geeks in the rest of the world buy and trade comic books.

And that's not really something my government really chose to get involved in. I mean, unlike Republicans in the United States, we Baathists don't want to control what goes on in the privacy of our citizens' bedrooms.

---------------Jim Borgeman, Cincinatti Enquirer

Never let it be said that my people are without compassion. Here's a story that says Italian troops were driven from their base by Iraqi insurgents.

Well, that was awfully nice of the insurgents, don't you think?

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon-Journal

That prisoner abuse scandal continues to plague the Bush Administration. This past week the President reasserted his support for Secretary of Illegal Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld. And Rummy did his part by coming all the way to Iraq in a show of support for his troops. And by the way, he hurt my feelings by not paying me a personal visit. I was really, really hoping he would, because I was planning to give a thumbs up sign while pointing at his genitals. Would that have made a great photo or what!?!?

Meanwhile, the entire United States government keeps blaming the lowly privates in those photos for "being out of control."

Yeah, right. Granted, I don't know a whole lot about how the United States military operates--well, actually, I do, since I've seen it up close.... But let's not talk about that right now.... Where was I? I'm having a hard time concentrating since I've been off my Ritalin.....

Oh, right.... What I was going to say is that while I don't know how the United States military operates, I can tell you that the in the Iraqi military, lowly privates don't as much as scratch their butts without first getting permission from their superior officers. And yet the world is asked to believe that poor, sweet, innocent Lynndie England, who even got herself knocked up while she was over here, came up with the idea to tie a dog collar around a naked man's neck?

Yeah, right. And I've got weapons of mass destruction.

I mean, c'mon!!! If the people in those photos were stupid enough to take frikkin' pictures of themselves breaking international laws, do you think they were clever enough to come up with the idea to stack naked men into piles? I mean, seriously: Me and my secret police used to do some serious torture back in the day, but we were never dumb enough to leave photographic evidence of our atrocities!!!

Er, I mean, IF there HAD been atrocites, we wouldn't have left photographic evidence. Not that there was any of that, you understand. I was merely suggesting a hypothetical, what-if type of situation.

Anyway, it now appears that there is new evidence that Rumsfeld not only knew about the torture, but he approved it as well!!

Whoops, gotta go! Saturday Night Live is on. I love it when that guy does his Dick Cheney impression!

A new study shows that breast feeding reduces the risk of developing heart disease as an adult.

Hmmm.... It may be time for the Dixie Chicks to pay me another visit.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Word is that the United States will be turning me over to the Iraqis in July.

Well, thank Allah!!!! It's about damn time!!! Maybe then I'll be able to get a damn DVD player in my cell. Oh, and a stereo TV!

Then again, who cares? Once the Americans no longer have me, it's only a matter of time before the Iraqi people come crawling and beg me to return to power. You know that old expression about "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Well, you can bet it's true. This brief flirtation with democracy and freedom hasn't worked out too well for the vast majority of Iraqis, and they yearn to return to the days of tyranny and oppression.

Besides, when given a choice, most Iraqis prefer to be tortured with good old fashioned pain and dismemberment, not this weird psycho-sexual crap the Americans are into. Putting women's underwear on a man's head? Having a woman drag him around on a leash? What is that about!?!? Maybe those crazy Christians enjoy that, but it's just plain offensive to the average Muslim victim.

---------------Steve Sack, Minneapolis Star Tribune

Once again the people at blogger have been dicking around with their programming without first clearing with me. Well, they better hope I don't find any glitches....

Anyway, I'm sitting here in the General's office watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. They have a satellite feed, so I'm able to keep up with events in the outside world.

For example, I heard that Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks recently gave birth to twins. Despite the rumors in the tabloid press, I had nothing to do with that. I always practice safe sex. The last thing I need is to get dragged into court for a paternity suit. Allah knows I've got enough legal problems as it is....

I'm sure the Red Cross will be stepping up its inspections in light of the recent allegations of prisoner abuse by the infidel invading hordes. And believe me, I've been taking notes! For example, the TV in this office only has a 19" screen! And it's not even a plasma screen!!!!! Yes, it's VERY shocking!!!! And not only is there no DVD player, there's not even a TiVo in here!!!! What kind of fly-by-night operation is this!?!?! I did find a VCR, but it's VHS, for crying out loud! And not even stereo!!! I'm telling you this so you understand it's not just the prisoners in that other place that have been suffering.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.... Harry Potter. I understand he has a new movie coming out next month, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib.

I can hardly wait for the scene where Harry, Hermione, and Ron form a human pyramid.

---------------Walt Handelsoman, Newsday

I see that President Bush has FINALLY apologized to the Arab World for the treatment of those prisoners. Well, it's about time. He should have done it yesterday when he was addressing them live, but for some reason he didn't. That little omission only inflamed tempers even more.

Yep, the man is a brilliant tactician.

Speaking of great American genuises, I see that Secretary Of Illegal Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld is coming under increasing fire for the scandal. It seems he knew about it and just kind of forgot to tell the President. What a bonehead!!!

What concerns me most, however, is that many Democrats in the US are calling for his resignation. If he does, in fact, end up leaving his job, it could be bad news for me. What would I do if they replace Rumsfeld with someone competent?

Oh, well. Perhaps it's best not to think bad thoughts.

And on that note, let's move on to some GOOD news. You know the chick in those prison photos? She now has a name: Lynndie England. Oh, and apparently she's a dog lover.

I've been busy composing a love poem to Lynndie. Here, see what you think:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Mine is bigger,
Than any of theirs.

Kind of brings a tear to your eye with its simple beauty, doesn't it?

In the latest news from Najaf, Moqtada Sadr is threatening to have his followers launch suicide attacks if American troops enter the city.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

Have you ever noticed how these guys--and I have to include Osama as well as the leaders of Hamas in this--are always telling OTHER people to go on suicide missions? If it's such a glorious way to die, why aren't they leading the charge themselves? I mean, yeah, sure, I convinced some of my own followers to go martyr themselves, but you'll notice I was hiding in a spider hole at the time. I haven't lived this long by being stupid, you know.

And if there's one thing I hate, it's being the victim of someone else's bad intelligence.

Even more importantly, what's the big deal with the 72 virgins? I mean, I've had my share of them, and quite frankly, it gets old. You're constantly have to explain what goes where, and then they're asking if you really love them, and then you're having to explain that "blowing" is just an expression!

That's why I'm sticking with the Dixie Chicks. 'Blowing' is much more than just an expression to them, if you catch my drift.

But let's say that you are, in fact, the kind of guy who's into virgins. And so you go blow yourself up, along with a few dozen jews. And so you end up in paradise and there's your 72 virgins. So far you're thinking, hey, this is pretty cool!

But then you realize that you're dead. And not just merely dead, either. You're really most sincerely dead. That's as dead as you can get. You're deader than if a house had fallen on you. This dead deal is forever pal; there's no waking up in the morning. And that's when it FINALLY occurs to you: Eternity is a v-e-r-y long time, and you've only got 72 virgins to get you through it!!!

Now don't you feel dumb!

Think about it, folks: What happens after you've used up your virgins? Is it just you and Rosie forever and ever? And will you at least have Maxim to help you along? There are entirely too unanswered questions about this whole process.

But hey, if Moqtada wants to go out there himself and blow himself up, THEN I'll be impressed.

Well, gotta run. I need to back in my cell by 6:00. That's when the guards come by and urinate on us.

As I've said before, I could have done a LOT better. After all, I'm a fifth degree master torturer. Even my good buddy and fellow despot Kim Il Jong is only a THIRD degree master.

But at least the cartoonist's heart is in the right place.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I have been reviewing with great interest those photos of the prisoners being abused, and quite frankly, I'm disgusted. Everyone is all upset over them, and the whole Arab world is in an uproar. But if you want my opinion, the whole thing is unbelievably amateurish.

I mean, what's the deal with having the guy standing on a box while holding wires in his hands? One of the first things they teach you in Despot 101 is that if you're going to torture and/or threaten someone with electricity, you absolutely have to get the testicles involved. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

We men are funny about our family jewels. I mean, you can cut off our arms and shoot us in the kneecaps, we won't shed a tear. But if you go for the cajones, we become whimpering little babies.

But what I find most intriguing about this whole affair is the chick that shows up in some of the shots. Who is she? What's her story? Is she this much fun on a date? Quite frankly, I'd like to meet her. She seems like my type! So if any of you know who she is, please let me know.

Oh, and I don't mean to brag, but if she had been posing with me in the above photo, the photographer would have needed a wide angle lens.

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

I know I have a bad reputation among some people. There have been many stories about how evil and inhumane I am, and that I have no conscience.

That's nonsense. Those are all lies put forth by George Bush and his well trained lap dog, Tony Blair.

I am actually a very sensitive human being who can be quite moved by stories of cruelty. For example, I consider the hunting of baby seals to be an incredibly barbaric practice, especially in the 21st century. There is no possible justification for such things. Hunting game for food I can understand. Or shooting a charging, rabid camel is certainly defensible. After all, it's either you or him. But baby seals? They're so cute and cuddly and adorable!! How can a human, armed with a hooked club, brutally kill such a defenseless animal? And it's not even like the first blow, or the second, or even the third does the job! You have to repeatedly hit the poor thing!

I would not be able to live with myself if I ever did something like that.

But clubbing baby Kurds, on the other hand, is totally acceptable.

Today marks one year that President Bush landed on the deck of the Abraham Lincoln and declared an end to "major combat operations" in my country. Since then, many of his opponents have been criticizing him for this. Some have gone as far as to call it a "blunder."

Despite my differences with the American leader, I feel that such criticism is uncalled for. After all, Mr. Bush has almost as much difficulty with the English language as I do, and perhaps he was just unfamiliar with the meaning of the words "major combat."

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

Unfortuantely I was unable to trace who came up with this, but someone is selling a tee shirt that I think all of you should wear the next time you visit the White House. I'm sure the President will get quite a chuckle out of it....

....as he orders your sorry infidel butt shipped off to Guantanamo Bay.

The TV network CBS has aired photos that supposedly show Iraqi prisoners being abused by American soldiers.

If true, this is an absolute outrage!!! Everyone knows I'm the only one who gets to abuse Iraqi prisoners!!

Today was my birthday, and I'm sure all of you celebrated. From what I understand, the people of Fallujah especially were having a real "blast."

I do need to clear up some confusion, however: Many news reports have me turning 67, but they are erroneous. I'm actually only 39..... And have been for the last 28 years.

While I have certainly been enjoying my time here in prison, it has not been without its difficulties. Indeed, sometimes conditions can be downright harsh. For example, I have already complained to the the Red Cross about the lack of a DVD and big screen plasma TV. I have been assured that a home, er, "cellblock" entertainment system is on the way. And when it finally arrives, it better not be a piece of crap low budget thing from the local Costco. I want--and deserve--a top of the line Sony or Harmon Kardon.

But on the positive side, I do have medical coverage now. This is important, since my right knee has been bothering me lately. Nothing too serious, though. Just an old war injury I aggravated the last time the Dixie Chicks paid me a conjugal visit. And quite frankly, all this climbing up and down through the ceiling tiles isn't helping either.

The problem, however, is that I have to fork over a $15.00 copayment every time I see the doctor..... And why is it that they're all foreigners now?

Fifteen bucks may not seem like a lot, but when one doesn't have a steady source of income, it can be a problem.

That's why I've decided to take a job in the prison bakery.

A woman in Florida tried to escape from jail by climbing up through the ceiling of her cell.

Hmmmm..... I wonder if she got the idea from me?

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

I see that my former Minister of Irony, Alanis Morissette, is back in the news. She appeared at a Canadian concert wearing nothing but an anatomically correct bodysuit. She did this to protest America's strict censorship crackdown in wake of the Janet Jackson breast incident.

Why she chose to do this in Canada is beyond me, however. I always thought that Canada and the United States were two separate countries, with two separate sets of laws, but perhaps I was mistaken.

Now some of you may wonder why I even need a "Minister of Irony." Well, the English language and its various concepts is very difficult to learn, especially for someone like me who grew up in a frikkin' desert. Indeed, I have almost as much trouble mastering English as George Bush does.

So I hired Alanis to help learn not only the language, but also the uniquely American idea of "irony." And I think I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

For example, I used to foolishly think that finding only forks when what you're really looking is a stupid spoon was merely indicative of a poorly organized silverware drawer. Little did I realize that's it is actually a prime example of irony!! By the way, let me give you a little tip: If you ever have Yasser Arafat over for dinner, count your silverware afterwards. That fat weasel loves stealing those little shrimp forks for some reason.

Or rain on your wedding day? Just bad luck and a good excuse to go out and slaughter some innocent weather forecasters, right? No, not at all!! It's actually irony!!

And you might think that invading a sovereign nation because it is supposedly full of weapons of mass destruction--and then not finding a single one--is indicative of faulty intelligence, wouldn't you? No, you silly, stupid, foolish infidel! It's actually irony!!!!



P.S.
Those are her real nipples, by the way.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

And the good news just keeps coming....

The marines surrounding Fallujah have given the loyalists a deadline to surrender, though they are rather vague about exactly how long they have. Then the marines will launch an assault on the city.

Needless to say, when this attack comes it will be quite bloody and gruesome, providing plenty of wonderful footage for Al-Jazeera to air, thus pissing off the Arab world even more.

And the beauty of my plan is that I don't even have to lift a finger while I sit in my air conditioned jail cell!!

I have to be more careful. My captors almost caught me in the General's office earlier this evening.

What happened was that I was reading an excerpt from that Bob Woodward book and I started laughing so hard, I fell out of the chair. The resulting commotion sent guards running down the hall to see what was going on. Fortunately I was able to elude capture by hiding under the desk, kind of like Monica used to do whenever she visited President Clinton in the Oval Office. Except, well, there was no one sitting in the chair this time.

The part that got to me was the description of a party at the Vice President's house a few days after the so-called "fall of Baghdad." Dick "I'm a Scary Psycho" Cheney, Paul "Half-Wit" Wolfowitz, and some others were laughing about how easily the war had gone, and how very wrong the Bush Administration's critics had been. They even went on to mock Colin Powell, who had been against the invasion in the early days of its planning.

I'm guessing they're not laughing any more.

The other item from the Woodward book that's beginning to raise a stink is the $700 million that was intended for the Afghan war but was diverted to fund early planning for my invasion. That's a big no-no under that pesky Constitution thing the United States has, and some Senators are none too happy about it.

In the past two days, both Spain and Honduras have announced they are withdrawing their troops from my country. Now comes word that the President of Thailand says he will withdraw his troops if they are attacked. Where did these guys learn how to run an army? France?

At any rate, thanks for letting us know how you feel on the matter. We'll take that as an open invitation to aim in your direction.

A lawyer arguing on behalf of inmates held there is calling Guantanomo Bay a "lawless enclave."

Hmmm.... Sounds a lot like Iraq at the moment.

----------Chris Britt, State Journal Register

Donald Rumsfeld has finally figured out that he underestimated the level of violence in Iraq. Duh, you think? Still, he's defending his decision to send fewer troops than some other experts recommended.

Well, okay, but that's like deciding to go down a dark alley by yourself rather than with twenty heavily armed beefy guys.

----------George Danby, Bangor Daily News

A couple of days ago I compared Bush's decision to "stay the course" to Captain Smith's handling of the Titanic. Now it turns out that the analogy may not end there.

You remember that scene where the ship is about to break into two, with rivets popping and cables snapping? Again, that's kind of what's happening with the White House. All the different memos and other bits of information emerging about the missed 9-11 warnings are like rivets popping and ricocheting all over the place. And as each one goes, the ship of state draws closer and closer to slipping under the waves.

Now comes a breaking story may just snap the hull of the Bush Presidency in two. Bob Woodward of the Washington Post has written a book called "Plan of Attack." The book reveals that Bush began planning the invasion of my peaceful nation of sweet innocent goat herders in November of 2001 even as the war in Afghanistan was at its height!

Some of you may not see a problem with that, and that's okay. Please send me your home addresses so I can personally come visit you and we can discuss the matter as civilized human beings. Then I'll hook your testicles up to electrodes and zap your family jewels with several thousand volts of electricity to further emphasize my points.

The problem arises because Bush took 700 million dollars earmarked for the Afghanistan fighting and diverted it to begin planning for the invasion of Iraq. My understanding is that since he did this without getting the approval of congress--or even telling them--Bush broke the law.

So let me get this straight: It's okay for Bush to take almost a billion dollars and spend it on his personal hobbies, like invading countries that are minding their own business. But when I do it, it's called looting my nation's treasury?



P.S.
I just pray to Allah that Jack and Rose make it off the ship this time.

----------Mike Ramirez, Atlanta Journal Constitution

President Bush said several times during his press conference that the United States "will stay the course."

Wasn't "staying the course" what got the Titanic into trouble?

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

By now I'm sure all of you realize that I'm a mass-murdering ruthless evil tyrant who has absolutely no regard for human life, and that I'm quite good at it.... Provided, of course, I don't get interrupted by an inconsiderate infidel invasion.

But how many of you are also aware of my musical talents? And I'm quite good, if I might say so myself. If this return to power thing doesn't work out, I may just go to Vegas and do nightly shows. Hell, if Celine Dionne can do it, I'm sure I can! (Thanks to Daniella for the link).

And while I can belt out a tune like there's no tomorrow, I don't have Bush's sense of rhythm. Then again, who does?

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Well, I don't know about you, but personally I was somewhat disappointed in President Bush's speech. I thought for sure he would issue an formal apology and offer a reasonable out of court settlement.

Still, I was quite flattered when he called me an evil tyrant. It's nice to be appreciated.

I understand that President Bush will be holding a press conference tonight. Well, United States time, it's tonight. For me, it will be like four or five in the morning because I'm actually writing this from here in Baghdad. Or maybe it's Qatar. Actually, I'm not too sure where I am, except that I do occasionally see camels walking by my cell window.

So I suppose I could also be at the San Diego zoo.

At any rate, it will be interesting to hear what Bush has to say. If he strikes an apologetic tone, perhaps I'll be lenient in my terms of surrender. But he's going to have to help clean up the mess he's created in my country, so he'll need to have a mop & bucket handy. And LOTS of Mr. Clean, preferably with the lemon fresh scent.

I remember years ago I once held a press conference. Some of the questions posed by the assembled journalists were quite difficult and even rude. So right after their funerals, I held a second press conference, and this time the reporters were much more polite and respectful.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

It was a pretty exciting finish to the Masters Tournament yesterday. Phil Mickelson finally won his first major after years of trying. I mention this only because I've always identified with the underdog who triumphs against seemingly insurmountable odds.... If you catch my drift.

I used to play golf years ago but gave it up. Too many damn sandtraps around here, but I suppose that's to be expected when you live in the middle of a frikkin' desert.

Plus I kept running out of caddies.

----------Vince O'Farrell, Illawarra Mercury (Australia)

The good news just keeps coming and coming. Now the so-called "Iraqi Governing Council," which is composed of exiles who haven't lived in Iraq for at least 40 years, is starting to distance itself from the American crackdown on Fallujah. Two members are even threatening to quit!

Well, good! Anytime the US decides it needs someone to restore order, they know where to find me. And just as soon as the parades welcoming me back to the Sunni triangle are over, I'll personally go down to Najaf and thank Moqtada Al-Sadr, or whatever the hell his name is. Then I'll gas the Shiites for old times sakes.

Yeah, yeah. I know some of you wimps are recoiling in horror at that, but really, it's the only way to keep those people in line. Trust me. I know the Shiites, and the only thing they understand is a swift gaseous kick in the lungs.

And the world really shouldn't be surprised by the fierce resistance in Fallujah. It's citizens remain fervently loyal to me, for they haven't forgotten the time I saved them from Camelman.



P.S.:
Speaking of the Governing Council, I added a new poll earlier in the week. It's to the left. And please keep in mind that my polls are intended purely for your amusement, because I honestly don't give a jackal's ass what you think.

Have a nice day.

Don't you miss Bill Clinton's presidency, when the finer nuances of language were used to coverup sexual dalliances?

----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

Condoleeza Rice has told the 9-11 commision that President Bush "fully understood" the threat posed by Al Qaeda.

Oh, I'm sure he did! Every bit as well as he understood how many troops it would take to occupy Iraq, or the potential dangers posed by renegade pretzels.

Do you remember what General Eric K. Shinseki said over a year ago? He predicted that several hundred thousand soldiers would be needed in order to effectively occupy my country. His estimates were immediately pooh-poohed by Deputy Secretary of Infidel Invasions Paul Wolfowitz.

That's what happens when you put civilians, who think they're smarter than the generals, in charge of the military.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I never thought I would see the day that the Sunnis and the Shiites would work side by side towards a common goal. Normally we're too busy trying to kill one another to worry about anything else.

So I am positively overcome by joy to see these longtime rivals in Islam working together to expel the infidel invaders. Excuse me while I blow my nose......

They don't allow me access to Kleenexes, so I guess I'll just wipe my hands on my pants.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I've made the observation on previous occasions that the Bush Administration is finding itself between Iraq and a hard place, but now things have become downright ridiculous. No matter what they do now, the Americans are royally screwed.

They have already said they plan to arrest Al-Sadr. That will only result in more bloodshed on both sides. And if that wacky Shiite cleric is killed in the process, he will only become a martyr to his followers, and further enrage the Shiites.

On the other hand, if the Americans decide not to try to capture him, they will appear to be weak and indecisive. And when it comes to dealing with the Arab world, that's the absolute worst thing you can do.

Well, okay, actually it's the second worst thing you can do. The only thing worse is trying to bring democracy to the Middle East.

But you'd have to be a total moron to try something that stupid!!!

I was watching the news earlier and saw scenes of burning cars, mobs running through the streets, smashed storefronts, overturned cars in flames, and bodies laying every where. I couldn't figure out if I what I was seeing was in Fallujah or Najaf.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be UConn fans celebrating in Connecticut!

A newcomer (And I know he's a newcomer because he dared question me) by the name of Tewar writes: hmmmmm... Well, dear sir, are you sure about gassing Shiites? Wasn't it the annoying Kurds that got your attention first, and you showed them your love by gassing 'em ? Just wondering ...

Look, I've gassed a lot of people in my time, and I can't possibly be expected to keep track of every last ethnic group I've tried to eradicate. Nor do I keep score on who got gassed first or second or last or most often or in a particular year. Precise record keeping in such matters can only serve to get you in trouble further down the road when the world's crybabies start whining about ethnic cleansing, genocide, and other such nonsense. I mean, look at Slobodan Milosovich, or whatever the hell his name is. His ass is rotting in a jail cell at the moment.

Well, okay, so is mine. But that's NOT my point. My point is that keeping score of who got gassed ahead of who is unnecessary.

Or is it "whom got gassed ahead of whom?" English is so frikkin' complicated, it's ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the differences between "effect" and "affect."

________________________________________________

----------Marshall Ramsey, The Clarion Ledger

Oh my.... Things are about to get even more interesting here in Iraq. A judge has just issued a warrant for the arrest of Muqtada Sadr, the Shiite cleric who has been stirring up trouble in the south. Can you imagine what's going to happen when they actually try to take him into custody?

Thank Allah I'm here in prison where it's safe!!

----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

Uh-oh. The Shiites are revolting. Hell, that's nothing new. I've long found the Shiites revolting. That's why I kept gassing 'em! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I mean, for the entire time I was in power--I mean, ever since I came to power (technically, I AM still the President of Iraq, and anytime President Bush decides he's ready to negotiate his terms of surrender, I'm ready to listen) I've had it in for the Shiites. I've slaughtered them by the thousands, over and over, throughout my rule. I've oppressed them, gassed them, imprisoned them, and made their loved ones disappear.

And you know why?

Because even I need a hobby, and I just couldn't get into model trains.

It's those damn Shiite clerics, you know. They're all a bunch of whackos. And the sad thing is, whatever they say, their followers will immediately believe them without question.

It's kind of like Rush Limbaugh and his followers.

But my point is that the Shiites should be thankful to the Americans. Instead, they're clamoring for the Americans to hurry up and get out of Iraq.

Well, at least the Americans have finally gotten the Sunnis and the Shiites to agree on something!!

It's awfully nice of Colin Powell to finally admit that his information on those "mobile weapons labs" may have been wrong.

Gee, you think so, Colin?

If I might be so bold, I think it's time for him to come out and say what everyone else already knows: That the invasion itself was wrong!!!

I mean, let's face facts here: There are no facts, and there never were!! Oh, there were plenty of baseless allegations, but no actual facts!!!

This whole Iraq thing is the equivalent of say going into a doctor's office and complaining of headaches, seizures, and uncontrolled bowel movements. Then they x-ray your noggin. Then upon examination of the picture, which clearly shows the presence of a massive tumor pressing on your brain stem, they diagnose allergies to camel dander and amputate your leg.

Think about how you would feel if an incompetent medical team did all of the above to you, and maybe you'll begin to get an understanding of how I feel. That's why I'm going to hire myself one of those lawyers that are always advertising on TVl. I mean, those guys must be good if they're advertising on the boob tube, right?

Then I'm going to sue the Bush Administration for malpractice.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I certainly enjoy my little interrogation sessions with my captors. It's kind of like engaging in a battle of wits with an unarmed man!

This morning, for example, I summoned the guard and told him I had had enough, and I was ready to talk. So he scurried off to summon his superiors, and eventually I was escorted to the little room where they ask all the questions.

Two CIA flunkies appeared and asked what I wanted. I told them I was prepared to cooperate, and they eagerly sat down with their notebooks and tape recorders.

I began by giving them the exact locations of my weapons of mass destruction, right down to the minutes and seconds of longitude and latitude. They carefully jotted the information down.

Then I began giving them the names of the leaders of the anti-American insurgents, as well as their home addresses. Then they summoned a general of some kind or another and passed that information on to him.

Next I admitted to having ties with Al Qaeda, and gave them the precise location of bin Laden's cave. They quickly gave that information to some special forces people.

I told them I still had billions of plundered dollars in Swiss bank accounts, and I gave them the account numbers and passwords to those.

At my request they put Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz on the speakerphone and formally apologized to them for being such a bad man. They graciously accepted my words of remorse.

By now it was early evening, and after some six or seven hours of my spilling my guts, they got ready to escort me back to my cell. Then I said, "Oh, just one more thing...."

"What's that?" asked one of the CIA guys.

And I smiled and said "APRIL FOOL!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"