First off, let me welcome all of you who found me through various search engines by typing in "Saddam in his underwear" or some such term. Do your parents know what you little demons are doing on the computer? At any rate, I am genuinely flattered that you're so interested in checking out my, er, "package." Let me assure you that normally it is far more impressive, except that I had just taken a cold shower. And I don't think I need to explain how quickly cold water can turn an impressive ten foot one-eyed trouser cobra into a tiny two inch worm.

You're probably wondering where those photos came from. Well, remember last weekend when Condoleezza Rice paid that surprise visit to Baghdad? Officially she was in town to meet with the troops and boost their morale, as well as meeting with members of the new Iraqi government and asking if they prefer pine coffins or oak.

Unofficially, however, she came to meet with me and discuss terms of surrender. I told her there was nothing to discuss. I would accept nothing less than an unconditional surrender from Bush and Rumsfeld.

At that point I had to cut the meeting short. Rice was wearing that Darth Vader hooker outfit of hers, and the blood was rushing from my head to my head, if you catch my drift.

So I hit the shower for some relief and ended up, um, "servicing myself" while in there. By the time I finished and came out to get dressed, I figured she had left. Then the next thing I know, I start seeing these damn flashes. I look up, and there's the American Secretary of State with one of those little disposable cameras snapping pictures of me in my underwear!!! And I think all of you know how humiliating that can be!

But after thinking about it, I decided it was nothing to worry about. In fact, I kept assuming various poses for her. I figured that like most women, she just needed those photos to keep her company through those long lonely nights in foreign hotel rooms. No harm in that, right? Then the next thing I know, the damn pictures are on the front pages of The Sun and the New York Post!!

Now I know how Paris Hilton felt.

Well, it wasn't easy, but I was finally able to sneak out of here and catch a matinee of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: A Preponderance of Colons. And it had to be a matinee, of course. Since the Americans have taken most of my looted money--er, I mean my, um, "privatized retirement funds"--I can't afford to be shelling out extra dough for an evening showing.

My little outing almost met with disaster, however. While I was standing in line to buy my bucket of outrageously overpriced popcorn with extra butter, and a small diet coke, a suicide bomber walked into the lobby!! Blew up the guy who tears the tickets in two. But I think he was a Kurd, so who cares.

Then there was a brief disruption just as the goody-goody Jedi Knights start getting bumped off. Someone's cellphone rang! Can you believe that crap? In a movie theater, in the middle of one of the most important scenes of one of the most heavily anticipated movies in 25 years, some idiot decides to start yakking about goat futures or something. Needless to say, I had to go strangle the moron with my bare hands. He turned out to be a Shiite, so I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Then the predominantly Sunni audience broke into applause.

Anakin (Hayden Christensen, who can't act worth crap) battles the sissy Obi-Wan (Ewan
McGregor)in a noble attempt to make the galaxy safe for tyranny and despotism

Let me start off my review by saying that Lucas has redeemed himself.... Mostly. But more on my sole complaint later.

Sith starts off gangbusters from the very beginning with a wild chase scene as Anakin and Obi-Wan race to save Senator Palpatine. At his point I'm thinking, what's the point? He's a senator! That's one of them democracy things! But Palpatine soon shows his true colors as he begins to lure the young Skywalker over to the dark side. And as the movie progresses further, you begin to see how horribly evil that man is. Needless to say, he's my favorite character!

Things do slow down briefly while Luke and his true love, Padme, have a couple of gooey kissy-face scenes. But things quickly pick up again when Skywalker slaughters a roomful of children and completes his seduction by the dark side. And in the end, evil triumphs over good, so it has a happy ending. It was all very moving.

The film naturally has a lot of special effects, and is still much more dependent on computer generated characters than the original trilogy. On the other hand, the balance between live actors and the CGI ones is much better than in Episodes I & II.

There was a final confrontation between Anakin and Padme, but I'm not sure exactly what was said. There was a brief commotion in the back of the theater with some yelling and a couple of volleys of gunshots. Turned out it was a group of insurgents kidnapping a government minister who was in the audience. But since the distraction was for a good cause, I decided not to get involved.

The movie's most powerful scene actually occurs at the very end as Obi-Wan hands the infant Luke to the child's Aunt Baru and Uncle Owen. Between the music and the setting, it suddenly hits you that the entire Star Wars saga has come full circle. I don't mind saying that I began bawling at that point. I even turned to the American soldier sitting next to me and blew my nose on his kevlar flack jacket. Fortunately he didn't recognize me since his own eyes were welling up with tears.

And to think that a few days ago I mocked Steve Spielberg for crying when he saw the movie.... I probably should apologize to him for that, but he's a Jew, so forget it.

There has also been some talk about whether Lucas was trying to make some sort of political statement about Bush and the Iraq war. Specifically, Anakin says to Obi-Wan, "If you're not with me, you're my enemy." Some conservative nutcases view that as a snide reference to Bush's own "If you're not with us, you're against us" remark. Lucas insists, however, that the movie was written will before the invasion of my peace loving nation.

Besides, much of what happens in this movie has been preordained for the last 28 years, ever since the orginal came out

At the beginning I mentioned that I had only one complaint about Sith. It actually came to me as Obi-Wan was cradling the newly born Luke Skywalker in his arms. I realized at that very moment that this expressionless baby, who was just lying there, helplessly flailing his arms, totally without emotion, and unable to show even the most rudimentary communication skills, was a far better actor than Hayden Christensen.

You'd think that with all those fancy computer generated special effects, Lucas could have given Anaken an occasional facial expression or two.

What's today? May 19 already? Well, I guess that means summer is coming. Have you ever spent a summer in Baghdad? It gets pretty damn hot around here. The temperatures probably approach those of hell itself, which means the people around here really really really REALLY love their air conditioning.... IF there is electricity, that is.

Here's an interesting fact: Prior to the war, Our country's electrical output was averaaging about 4400 megawatts a day. Not quite enough to meet full demand, but still sufficient to meet our basic needs.

Since the occupation began in 2003, the Americans have sunk over a billion dollars and two years of work into Iraq's electrical grid. So what do you think the daily electrical output is after all that work? At least 6000 megawatts? Maybe 7000 or even 8000?

Nope.

Try 4000-4200 megawatts.

That's right: The electricty supply is even tighter now than it was prior to the Americans taking over. Pretty impressive, eh? And people are going to be royally pissed when the thermometer hits 48 degrees celsius and they switch on the A/C only to get a big fat stinkin' load of squat. I may not have a lot of experience trying to win the hearts and minds of people, but I'm fairly certain that's not the way to do it.

Sure, things were in sorry shape when I ran the place. But wasn't all that supposed to be corrected once I was out of the way? Wasn't my removal supposed to improve the daily lives of the Iraqi people? This is going to be the third summer since the so-called liberation of Iraq, and the people are even worse off!?!?

The people of North Korea better pray Bush doesn't liberate them.

Seven months before the unlawful and highly irregular invasion of the peaceful paradise known as Iraq, British intelligence warned Tony Blair that Bush was hellbent on forcing me from power. The report to the Prime Minister warned that the case was thin, and that American intellegence was "being fixed" around the idea that military action was necessary. It goes on to say that "Saddam was not threatening his neighbours and his WMD capability was less than that of Libya, North Korea or Iran."

In other words, Bush lied and he knows he lied. And not only did Blair know up front that it was all a lie, he willingly went along for the ride!!

So could someone please explain why I'm the one sitting in a jail cell?

I never thought I would be forced into such a situation, but here goes: I apologize.

I realize that many of you stinkin' infidels have come to rely on me as your major source of unbiased, factual news and intelligent, insightful commentary. I take this responsibility very, very seriously, and that is why you have come to trust that if I say something, well by gosh, it must be true. You can trust me when I say I would never, ever make anything up, or seek to intentionally mislead you.

Unfortunately, I am currently in a situation in which I find it difficult if not impossible to independently verify facts. That is why I often rely on outside, supposedly respected new organizations. Occasionally, however, the system breaks down.

The other day I posted an entry about how interrogators at the Guantanamo Bay prison flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet. This was reported as fact by Newsweek magazine. This story touched off several days of rioting in a number of Muslim countries and even led to 16 deaths among protesters in Afghanistan. Personally I don't see what the big deal is about 16 deaths, but some people get upset over that sort of thing. Then again, I used to wipe out entire villages at a time, so perhaps I'm just used to quantity discounts.

Yesterday Newsweek admitted that it was unable to verify they item, and they have now officially retracted the story.

Excuse me? How the hell do you make a mistake like that!?!?! That's almost as stupid as invading a sovereign nation on the basis of bad intelligence!!

The people at Newsweek are promising that "heads will roll."

What a colossal load of camel crap!!!! Don't believe them when they say that!! Sure, people may be reprimanded, and someone may even be fired. But it's a safe bet that you're not going to see any actual heads rolling across the newsroom floor. And that is precisely why the American press can't be trusted: They are never executed for their mistakes. They resign, then go on to make millions by writing a book on how they screwed up! That is why when my Ministry of Information said something, you could sure as hell accept it as being true.

Oh, and I continue to stick by my account of what happened to that Harry Potter book.

I'm sorry, but I just had to laugh at this: Over a dozen people have died in Afghanistan in anti-American demonstrations. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Is that gratitude for you, or what? The Americans saved them from the Taliban, and now they're protesting it!!! Kind of reminds me of the Shiites who want the Americans to leave, so I can return to power, and gas their villages again!

The present problem in Afghanistan--and the protests are spreading into the middle east--stems from allegations that Americans interrogating prisoners at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet. That's just too funny!!!! Did these morons have an idea of the uproar that would result once word of their actions got out!?! That's quite possibly even dumber than stripping Muslim men naked, making them pose with women soldiers, and then taking pictures of it!

The other question this raises is, what the hell kind of toilet were these guys using? I mean, do you have any idea how thick the Koran is? How can you flush one of those down the john with clogging it and getting water all over the floor?

Hmmmm.... Must've been one of those special Haliburton toilets.

Anyway, you just don't f*ck with sacred books, regardless of the religion or cultures that may be offended. It will eventually get you into serious trouble.

I remember back in early 2003 I was taking a dump in one of my palaces. I suddenly realized there was no toilet paper! Well, being the resourceful despot that I am, I decided to tear pages out of the reading material I keep in the bathroom. Pretty clever, eh? Unfortunately, word quickly got out that I had used a Harry Potter book to wipe my hairy ass, and less than a week later infidel tanks were rolling towards Baghdad.

The moment of truth arrives next Thursday: Has Lucas screwed up yet another Star Wars movie, or will this one live up to the glory of the first three? Advance word on the film has certainly been promising. In fact, I have heard that Steve Spielberg actually wept like a baby when he saw a screening of the film.

Personally, I have no plans to behave like a damn sissy. I am too much of a man to cry at movies.... Unless I'm on a date, of course, and think it might impress the chick enough to get me laid.

Well, okay, there have been a couple of exceptions. I did weep like a baby at Terms of Endearment, but give me a break on that one. Debra Winger ends up with cancer, for crying out loud!! I had to go out and gas some Kurds to regain my composure afterwards.

The other film that moved me was the third installment of Matrix. It's not that I found the plot all that moving or anything; it's just that I couldn't believe I wasted my money on that piece of crap.

But I digress....

I am still trying to devise a way to sneak out of here for a few hours and get to a theater to see Revenge of the Sith. Of course, I'll have to be careful on several levels: First, obviously I don't want to get caught. If that happens, the guards may cut off my conjugal visits from the Dixie Chicks. Second and most importantly, I certainly don't want to end up in a theater targeted for wholesale destruction by the insurgents. That would be REALLY embarrassing!

However, I suppose getting blown up wouldn't be quite as bad as, say, waiting in line at the wrong theater!! Did you hear about these guys in Los Angeles? They began lining up a month ago to see the new Star Wars, and turns out they were at the wrong theater!!

You gotta be careful. Bad intelligence will get you in trouble every time!

The United States military is having an increasingly difficult time meeting its recruitment quotas. In an effort to get more people to sign up, it has been offering bonuses of $20,000 and is considering going even higher.

Coincidentally, I hear that Al Qaeda has also been having a hard time finding new militants. Word is that Osama may increase the current bonus of 72 virgins for martyrs to as many as 88.

Is nothing sacred in this crazy, mixed-up world of ours? It turns out that Firefox, the web browser which is supposed to be so great, has some critical flaws in it that can allow hackers to seize control of your computer. So much for it being so much better than Windows!

Part of the problem is that as Firefox has become increasingly popular--something like 14% of computer users now rely on it as their primary browser--so has its attraction to hackers. After all, when only 5% of the people were using it, what was the point of wasting your time writing code to exploit it? But now that its share has become a much more significant number, well, suddenly it's more attractive to the bad guys out here in cyberspace.

It's kind of like international relations. Let's say you're, for example, a country like Sudan and you have virtually no oil. Do you think anyone in the world is going to give a camel's behind if you go around slaughtering the people of Darfur by the thousands? No, of course not! Kill away!

But if you're a country like, say, Iraq, and you're sitting on a quarter of the world's petroleum reserves, people are going to watch your every move and look for the silliest damn excuses to invade.

Okay, that's it. I have put up with a lot of crap since Bush invaded my peace loving nation. Insults. Jokes. Naked human pyramids. Snide remarks behind my back. The systematic dismantling of my once vast porn collection. Infidels sitting on the gold plated toilet seats in my palaces. And through it all I have maintained my dignity, self-respect, and polite manners. But there comes a point in every man's life when he must look at the indignities heaped upon him and declare: "Enough!!!"

I demand to speak to someone in charge.

What has me so frikkin' incensed are these reports that the American occupiers no longer consider my "Hussein loyalists" as a significant threat!!!! They have instead decided that foreign fighters pouring into Iraq from other countries are the greater danger.

I have never been so insulted in my life!

Congratulations to British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who won reelection by a VERY narrow margin. I'm sure he continues to believe his actions in trying to bring democracy to Iraq will be vindicated.

In fact, let's take a look how at well this democracy thing is working out, shall we?

Let's see.... The new government of Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari was sworn in April 28, a mere ten days ago. Since then, 290 Iraqi civilians have been killed in assorted attacks by insurgents.

Jeez.... At this rate, there won't be anyone left alive to vote in the NEXT election!

That works out to an average of 29 deaths per day. Now I don't have the exact figures available at the moment, but I'm guessing that the rate of executions during my regime, averaged out over the course of 34 years, was somewhat lower than that. Granted, there were days where I gassed a couple of villages at a time, and that would cause a temporary spike in the numbers. But then there were also times where I killed fewer than 29 people during a given 24 hour period, and that would tend to bring the average back down to a perfectly reasonable level of, say, 26.4 people per day. These numbers assume, of course, that you're not counting Kurds or Shiites.

So clearly the people of Iraq were better off with me than without me!!

For the last two years now I have been warning the world about what I would do if Lucas screws up the last Star Wars movie. I don't want to get into specifics, but let's just say it involved the removal of toenails and testicles.

Well, it would appear that word of my threats has gotten back to Lucas and he has taken my words to heart.

The stinkin' infidel movie director Kevin "Silent Bob" Smith has seen an advance screening of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and has proclaimed it to be "f*cking awesome." I should warn you, however, that if you read his review, Smith gives away quite a few spoilers about the movie.

Unfortunately he failed to begin his post with a disclaimer about the spoilers, and for his insolence I shall be forced to remove his toenails and testicles.

The infidel Steve H. at Hog on Ice has weighed in the movie as well. However, he is basing his opinions on a series of clips without having seen the entire film. This is not surprising, since Steve H. is a rabid Republican. Everyone knows Republicans are famous for jumping to conclusions without having all the facts in.

Previous Lucas/Star Wars related posts:

August 21, 2003----July 26, 2004----August 12, 2004

Have I shown you people the label in my underwear yet? No?

Well, you're in for a special treat!

A reader calling himself Tigger asks: "How do you feel about Condoleezza Rice's comments on Kim Jong Il's weapon projects: 'the United States is able to defend itself and its allies against nuclear and missile threats', as compared to the extreme threat USA saw You being?"

That is an excellent question, Mr. Tigger. Making such an inquiry of me demonstrates that you are obviously very familiar with the current geopolitical landscape of the world, as well as the finer nuances of the various dangers to global peace that confront mankind today. That said, I have nonetheless taken the liberty to slightly re-edit your question to make it easier for me to answer in a logical and coherent fashion: "Dear Saddam: What's happening, dude? So, like, what do you think of this Jennifer Wilbanks? She's the infidel chick in Georgia who was supposed to get married. but rather than walk down the aisle, she decided to disappear, thereby causing authorities to launch a massive search for her."

Thank you asking for my opinion, Mr. Tigger. Let me first say that Ms. Wilbanks is an obvious amateur. She turned up after what? Four days? Hell, I eluded the entire frikkin' American army for nine months!!!! And the only reason they finally found me is that I forgot to tip the pizza deliveryman, and he turned me in.

Needless to say, I will always carry extra cash for tipping from now on.

But back to the Wilbanks matter.... How many guests was she supposed to have at the wedding? 600? 600 people is not a wedding; it's a Springsteen concert. No wonder she was overwhelmed by her impending nuptials! Add to that 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen, caterers, a band, and pretty soon you've got the population of a small country.

Let's face it: This wedding was not for the benefit of Ms. Wilbanks and her infidel husband-to-be. It was actually for the parents, who probably didn't give a camel's ass what kind of wedding their kids wanted. They just wanted to impress everyone with their wealth.

I mean, who even has 600 friends? I'm a world famous despot, and even I don't have 600 friends!! 600 enemies, yes, but not friends.... Well, actually, it's probably more like 600 thousand enemies, but who's counting?

If her fiance truly loves her, he should say to her, "Jennifer, my love, forget the wedding. Forget what our stupid parents want. Forget the mob scene. Forget all that silly crap. Our wedding should be about us, and us alone. So let's just elope. Just the two of us, sharing our love as we begin a lifetime of commitment to one another. And for God's sakes, never everlook at me directly again. Those eyeballs of yours give me the creeps."

Not surprisingly, PFC Lynndie England has pleaded guilty for her role in Abu Ghraib prison torture scandal. While she has not been sentenced yet, most observers think that her willingness to admit that she was wrong, the fact that she's now a mother, and a general consensus that she's dumb as a rock will lead the court to give her a light sentence. In fact, she may end up serving only a few years in prison, followed by several hundred hours of community service working on a chicken farm.

Perhaps in a different world, in a different time, and in a different reality, I might actually feel sorry for British Prime Minister Tony "Bush Lap Dog" Blair. But we're in THIS world, during the PRESENT time, and in, er, um, THIS reality.

Blair has been locked in a particularly rough reelection campaign which has been turning personal. At appearances audience members have called him "fraudulent," "grossly negligent," and accused him of lying. Now if something like that ever happened at one of my campaign rallies, I'd have shot everyone in the damn audience. Blair, however, is stuck running a democracy, so he can't very well do that without risking adverse publicity.

Still, it seems likely he will win, which is unfortunate. As with Bush, he will use that as proof that the public supports his boneheaded decision to invade Iraq.

Once again investigators in Iraq are making a big fuss over a mass grave in southern Iraq that may contain the bodies of as many as 1500 Kurds. Most of the victims appear to have been women and children.

Yeah, so what? They're dead Kurds, for crying out loud!!! Who cares about dead Kurds!?!?! People in the west need to get over that silly belief that all human life is equally valuable. We're talking about Kurds! There's nothing equal about them. What's that old saying? "The only good Kurd is a dead Kurd." There's a reason Kurd rhymes with turd: They both need to be flushed.

Granted, I'm the one who invented that saying, but does that make it any less true? No, of course not! A truth is a truth is a truth, regardless of who says it.

Why are they digging around for old bodies anyway? Shouldn't they be looking for my weapons of mass destruction? Wasn't that the original justification for the invasion? In fact, this war wasn't supposed to be about finding dead bodies, but about tracking down the WMD's Hans Blix couldn't find! Try to stay focused on the task at hand, people!

Oh, right. It's already been proven that I haven't had any WMD's for almost 15 years.

Hmmmm.... I wonder if these come in my size?

So how's the United States' "War on Terror" going?

Well, funny you should ask. It turns out the U.S. State Department has just released its figures for last year. And quite frankly, it ain't looking too good.

(Now I know some members of the Grammar Gestapo are going to want to point out that the word "ain't" ain't actually a word, and that's fine. By way of a response, I'll merely point out that I don't speak English and know next to nothing about that very peculiar language, so give me a break. And if you feel compelled to complain again, I will have no choice except to attach electrodes to parts of your body that aren't normally on public display. Okay? Okay. Glad we cleared that up.)

It seems that the number of people killed in terror incidents in 2004 more than tripled over the year before, going from 625 to 1907. The increase in the number of attacks was even more striking, coming in at 651 as compared to 175 in 2003.

Of course, the U.S. government blames the increase on changes in record keeping "methodology," which is a really big word with lots of syllables, and therefore quite problematic for someone like me who doesn't speak a lick of English. But I think it has to do with how many people worked on compiling the statistics, as well as a surge in attacks in Kashmir and here in Iraq.

One Congressman, a Henry Waxman, suggested that the increase may be due to the fact that American foreign policy is pissing off the entire frikkin' world. Well, okay, maybe those weren't his exact words, but it pretty well sums up what he meant.

Toads in Germany and Denmark have been exploding, and scientists in both countries are baffled by the phenomenon.

It's no mystery, really. They're obviously Islamic militant toads seeking martyrdom.

Yes, it's true: I turned 68 yesterday. Let me take this opportunity to thank the thousands of my readers who sent me birthday wishes.... Well, okay, let me thank the ONE reader who did. However, I'm sure the rest of you at least thought about, but were afraid to follow through because you were afraid the United States would trace your I.P. addresses, imprison you, strip you naked, and make you form naked human pyramids.

What a bunch of pathetic cowards!

Anyway, thanks to renown legal scholar Tung Yin for leaving me a happy birthday message. He even went as far as sending me a cake! That was very, very thoughtful.

Have fun at Guantanomo Bay, Mr. Yin!

Charles Duelfer, the Central Infidel Agency's top weapons of mass destruction inspector in Iraq, has submitted his final report. You remember that phrase, "weapons of mass destruction," don't you? That was the Bush Administrations FIRST reason for going to war. It wasn't until that one didn't pan out that they started coming out with that nonsense about spreading democracy and transforming the Middle East.

Duelfer's report concludes that any WMD's I may have had once upon a time were destroyed shortly after the FIRST Gulf War in compliance with U.N. resolutions.

Now isn't that what I had been saying all along? But did anyone believe ol' Saddam? N-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O-!!!!!!!! Hey, let me clue you people in on something: Just because a man is a brutal despot who kills his own citizens and loots his country's riches does NOT necessarily mean he's also a liar!

Duelfer goes on to say that his inspection team of 1,000 infidels also failed to turn up any evidence that my WMD's were shipped out of the country to Syria.

So that's it then. This total and utter failure to find any evidence of WMD's undoubtedly means that I will be released later today.

Let me go pack my toothbrush.

For several weeks now supporters of Bush's rude, crude, and socially unacceptable invasion of my peace loving country (the occasional unprovoked attack on our neighbors notwithstanding) had been pointing to the falling number of insurgent attacks as proof that they were winning.

Nonsense.

What happened is that the second anniversary of the (alleged) Fall of Baghdad was approaching, along with the second anniversary of the official beginning of the insurgency. For purposes of record keeping, our personnel department had been treating that as the official date of hire for the fighters. Since they had been working so hard, most had not yet had a chance to take time off, except for the occasional funeral of coworkers.

But as their anniversary dates neared, they were faced with a dilemma: Use up their accumulated vacation time or lose it. Many of them opted to take a break from the fighting, so naturally the overall level of productivity of the insurgency suffered.

But now that April 19th has come and gone, the insurgents are back on the job and stepping up their attacks.

More importantly, the level of sophistication of the attacks has gone up as well. For example, the infidels were quite impressed by the insurgents' assault on the Abu Ghraib prison earlier this month. It would have been big news back when it happened, except that the world was mesmerized at the time by the Pope's impending death.

More recently, insurgents launched a well orchestrated attack on a Marine base near the Syrian border, nearly overrunning it.

I'd love to go on, but I have to run. My favorite all-time movie is on TV in a few minutes: Guerrillas in the Mist.

P.S.
On a serious note: A lot has been written this past week about Marla Ruzicka, the American aid worker who was killed by a roadside bomb. Her death serves to further illustrate the profound waste and foolishness of this unnecessary war. The website of the organization she founded, CIVIC Worldwide, has posted some wonderful photos of her at work.

Last month a woman claimed to have found a fingertip in a bowl of chile she bought at Wendy's, an infidel fast food chain. She tried to sue the restaurant, but soon details of her past attempts to blackmail other companies began to surface. Furthermore, attempts by Wendy's to find the source of the missing finger proved to be about as successful as Bush's search for my WMD's.

Early yesterday police arrested the woman, charged her with grand larceny, and declared the whole thing a hoax.... Much like Bush's claim that I was up to my tuckus in WMD's--Not that I'm still dwelling on the subject.

Anyway, I guess I better drop my idea to claim I found a camel penis in my hummus.

Ever wonder what it's like to go on one of those patrols that are so often attacked by insurgents? Ann Scott Tyson of the Washington Post, an infidel newspaper, is embedded with a military unit south of Baghdad and writes about the experience firsthand.

I suppose no matter how bad things may seem, they could always be worse.

I don't mean to suggest that I'm a rabid environmentalist, but I do care about the world my sons will have to live in.... Well, er, would have lived in if they hadn't ended up with more holes in them than swiss cheese.

Anyway, my point is that I do worry about how mankind often mistreats Mother Nature--especially when it comes to water pollution. This is no way to dispose of human waste.

Oops....

It's starting to look like the state of Texas screwed up and put an innocent man to death last year. Needless to say, many anti-capital punishment types are up in arms over the case.

So what? I've personally put plenty of innocent people to death, and you don't see me losing sleep over it!

Some crybaby member of the illegal Iraqi Parliament is upset that the illegal occupying Americans handcuffed and detained him because he didn't have the proper ID to get into the Green Zone!

Can you believe that crap? What an ungrateful moron!! I mean, does this guy realize that there are about 75,000,000 insurgents looking to kill him as well as every other member of that stupid Parliament, and that if it weren't for those Americans checking ID's, his body parts would be splattered across 15 square blocks of downtown Baghdad?

I'm not sure, but I'm guessing he was a Shiite. They're the only ones who can possibly be that stupid.

This points out yet another problem with democracy: Any brainless nitwit can get lucky and win an election.

Kind of like Bush....

What!?! The new Pope is a Kraut!?! The Jews are gonna love this....

The other day I was positively giddy with delight that a bunch of Shiites had been taken hostage by Sunnis. Now it turns out that may not have been the case at all! A series of raids by authorities have failed to turn up any actual hostages in that area, and speculation is mounting that the whole thing was made up in an attempt to embarrass various factions of the government.

Likewise, there have been conflicting reports about some official being assassinated. First it was one guy, then it was another, and now no one seems to be sure exactly who got whacked.

Then again, I suppose I can take solace in the fact that the government illegally elected last January has reduced itself to such petty bickering. It's just further evidence of the flaws inherent in democracy, and once again demonstrates the need for a strong father figure to step forward and establish some discipline in Iraq.

Let me once again point out that I am tanned, rested, and ready to oppress.

Plus, I've got one hell of a beard now.

For the first time ever, NASA scientists have obtained the first direct view of planets outside our own solar system.

Impressive, but I'm betting they didn't find my WMD's there either.

President Bush threw out the first ball at something called a "baseball game" the other day. And while I'm not completely certain, I believe a "baseball game" is some sort of stupid infidel sporting event. And it's probably not nearly exciting as a good game of nogginball.

However, after careful analysis of the photo, there is one thing I am sure of: Bush throws like a girl.

Meanwhile, in the town of Al_Madain near Baghdad, some 80 Shiites have been taken hostage by Sunnis. Their captors are threatening to kill the whole bunch of them unless all the Shiites leave town. It's only a matter of time until the Shiites decide to take revenge on the Sunnis by seizing some of them.

This is wonderful news, of course, for it will only cause tensions between the various factions of Iraq to flare even more! I get goosebumps just thinking about it!

And down in southern Iraq, searchers have found mass graves containing the remains of 7000 people supposedly killed by me. What utter nonsense!! Let me assure you, my faithful readers, that I had nothing to do with their untimely deaths. I don't know when this alleged massacre happened, but let me be the first to say that I was out in the backyard of one of my palaces working on my golf swing at the time. I have witnesses who can prove that.... Probably.... Unless they're also in prison.

A new survey says that more people are becoming "accepting" of spam. Not that they like it, mind you; it's just that they have come to tolerate it as a necessary part of being on the internet.

Well, that's just outrageous! What the hell is wrong with you people!?!?!? There is absolutely no reason why anyone--even you stinkin' infidels--should have to put with emails implying that your male genitalia is inferior! And as for any of you smartasses about to make jokes about the size of my own manly parts, let me assure you that there is nothing below average about me. In fact, I'm hung like a frikkin' camel. Just ask any of the cigarette smoking pregnant female American soldiers who have supervised me during the naked human pyramid building drills.

And what is it with all the phishing emails lately? I mean, is there anyone still out there stupid enough to fall for those things? Besides Rumsfeld, I mean.

Quite frankly, spammers are the only form of life on Allah's green Earth that are lower than rats, cockroaches, single celled microbes, and Shiites.

Forget the the war on terror. It's a failure. Not only is Osama still out there, he's making more videos of himself than Paris Hilton. What's more, much of the civilized world has come to hate America.

If Bush wants to regain the respect of the international community of nations, he should go after the real enemy and declare war on spam and the nations which harbor spammers.

Since yesterday was the second anniversary of the so-called "Fall of Baghdad," I felt I should say a few words on the topic....

First of all, Baghdad did not "fall." It merely underwent a temporary "transfer of custodianship." Got that?

That said, I have to add that I'm marking the occasion by drinking this alcohol I found in the General's refrigerator. The bottle is labelled "specimen," and while I admit I've never heard of that brand before, it's quite good. I've only had a couple of sips, and already I've got one hell of a buzz going!!

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Shiites marked the occasion by demonstrating in the streets of Baghdad and demanding that the United States leave. HAHAHAHA!!!!! Now that's gratitude for you!! The Americans saved their sorry butts from me, and they're repaying the debt by telling their saviors to go the f*ck home!

I hate to admit it, but for once I agree with those damn Shiites.

The other great piece of news I just got is out of Kirkuk. The Kurds pretty well control the place, and now they're talking about seceding from the rest of Iraq. But since they have 9 million barrels of oil reserves in the area, no one wants to see that happen. Even worse, minority groups in the city feel that they are deliberately being shut out of the local councils by the Kurds.

But enough talk about politics. It's time I congratulated that big eared infidel Prince Charles on his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles. Forget all that crap about divorces, broken marriages, and the fact that the two of them are cousins. What's important is that they are happy, and love one another.... Even if they are commiting incest.

People make some very cruel remarks about Camilla's looks, and I feel that is totally uncalled for. A person's exterior appearance, however nauseating, can easily mask the goodness and beauty that lies on the inside.

I should know. You see, years ago, I carried on a longstanding torrid love affair with Bowles identical twin sister, Camela Parker Bowles. In fact, this romance is what led to the breakup of several of my marriages. Even though she dumped me for good when I became involved with the Dixie Chicks, I still always treasure the oh-so-sweet memories of our years together.

And even though I sit here in prison, stripped of most of my worldly possesions, I still have the one item I cherish more than all my palaces, more than the billions of dollars I looted from my country, more than my dreams of dominance of the middle east, more than my solid gold toilet seats, more than my non-existent weapons of mass destruction, and more than anything else on Earth. Yes, I still carry a single snapshot of my beloved Camela in my wallet:

The American judicial system is thoroughly screwed up, and its sentencing guidelines are completely out of whack. For example, a judge in Virginia just sentenced a spammer to nine years in prison!

What the hell is that about!?!? Call me old fashioned, but I've always felt that the punishment should fit the crime. And I'm sorry, but sentencing someone to almost a decade of prison time for the mere act of sending out a few billion unwanted emails is just plain ridiculous.

Personally, I would have had the guy's fingernails and toenails pulled out one by one, then hung him upside from a tree by his testicles while buzzards pecked his eyeballs out.

Followed by five years probation, of course.

I see those worthless infidel dogs at Blogger finally have their stupid system back up....

The new Iraqi President, Whatshisname Talabani, offering amnesty to all the insurgents.

I think this is a wonderful idea. Quite frankly, the fight to drive the occupiers from our land and restore tyranny and oppression to Iraq hasn't been going very well lately. This will enable those in the insurgency a chance to take a much needed vacation, maybe even travel to France and enjoy Euro Disney for a couple of days, then return home, regroup, rethink their strategies, work up some fresh targets, and return to work with a fresh new attitude.

Incidentally, did you know there used to be a Middle Eastern version of Disneyland? It eventually went out of business because Mickey kept strapping explosives to his body and blowing up the tourists.

I would never tell Osama this--mainly because I never talk to him since I don't have any actual 'substantial ties' to Al Qaeda--but sometimes I wish I were a woman. Then I could have things like this done to me.

It's a really, really, REALLY, REALLY good thing that I'm not dead yet, or I'd be rolling over in my grave. Have you heard what these idiots in that new unlawful Parliament are doing? They're naming a frikkin' Kurd as President!!!!!! Can you believe that crap!?!?!

What's next? Britney Spears and her freeloading husband in a reality TV show?

Don't be alarmed. This is the first and ONLY time you will ever see me running a "Family Circus" cartoon.

An additional finding by that commission that investigated the intelligence failures leading to the unlawful, illegal, and highly irregular invasion of my country was that a number of people raised serious questions about the accuracy of the information on my alleged WMD's. Unfortunately, everyone in the Bush Administration was so caught up in the march to war that they refused to listen. In fact, someone called CIA Director George Tenet the night before Colin Powell's big presentation at the U.N. voicing doubts. Tenet replied with something to the effect of "Yeah, yeah. I'm tired, leave me alone."

I can see dozing off and driving off the road into a tree. That happens all the time.

But dozing off, invading a country, destroying your nation's credibility, pissing off all your allies, enraging the entire Muslim world, and causing the deaths of tens of thousands of people?!?!?!

It sickens me to think that this whole mess could have been avoided if someone had only had a second cup of coffee.

Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan was hit with a bunch of salad dressing last night while delivering a speech in Michigan.

Great. They'll probably try to pin this attack on me as well.

If there's one thing those crazy infidels in the United States love, it's commissions, and I'm not talking about the kind used camel salesmen get. I'm talking about the ones that "investigate" things, determine what "went wrong," and then come up with "recommendations."

The Americans appoint commissions for every damn thing. They had a commission that investigated the loss of the space shuttle Columbia. They had one that investigated what went wrong on 9-11. They have commissions that set water and sewage rates. And they just had one that finished working on the intelligence failures leading up to the invasion of my peace loving (well, except for the occasional invasion of helpless neighboring countries) paradise (well, except for the occasional gassing of Kurdish villages) of a nation.

When I ran Iraq, we didn't need no stinkin' commissions. If something bad happened, I would find the person responsible and shoot him. And if I couldn't find the person who screwed up, then I would just shoot someone at random and say he was the one. Generally speaking, that was enough of an incentive to everyone else to NOT f*ck up next time.

But I digress.... The United States appointed some sort of stupid commission to investigate the bad intelligence that led to the invasion. They came out with their report yesterday, and guess what? Their conclusion was that the Iraqi weapons assessments were "dead wrong."

Jesus H. Frikkin' Allah!!!!! The whole world has known that for the last three years, and Bush needed a stupid commission to explain it to him?!?!?!

According to an interview he gave to a German magazine, Colin Powell thinks the Bush Administration was "too blustery" in its rhetoric prior to invading Iraq.

Blustery!?!?!?! What's Powell doing? Hoping to win the Understatement of the Year Award? It was more like a frikkin' category 5 hurricane!!!!

Well, this is horrible news and a major setback for my legal defense. My lead attorney, Johnnie Cochran, has died.

I mean, this guy was able to convince a jury that O.J. Simpson was innocent, for crying out loud!! How frikkin' amazing is that!?!?! With him leading my defense team, I have no doubt I would have emerged from that courtroom with a Nobel Peace Prize.

Now I'm just plain f*cked.

Wonderful news!! That new Iraqi Parliament thing met yesterday, and it dissolved into a shouting match between Kurds, Shiites, and Sunnis as they tried to select a speaker for the chamber. Tempers flared, and the country's fake President stormed out, along with the fake interim Prime Minister.

See? I told you that stupid democracy idea would never work in Iraq. But does anyone ever listen to me? To good ol' Saddam? To the guy who ran the country for 25 years? Who knows Iraq better than anyone? No, of course not! They're all too busy calling me names and accusing me of crimes against humanity!

Not that I'm bitter....

The situation in Kyrgystan--or whatever the hell it's called--continues to detoriate. It's also become yet another example of the failure of democracy: There are now several rival parliaments arguing about which of them is the legitmate one!

That's just plain nuts, and leads to nothing confusion. For example, let's say one parliament decides to go poking its nose into a highly charged family squabble and orders the feeding tube reconnected. Meanwhile, another totally different parliament votes to mind its own damn business, not get involved, and let the state courts settle the matter. And that's not even counting the religious fanatics out on the sidewalk who keep getting arrested for trespassing with a glass of water. So who does the hospice listen to?

If you have a single dictator who is able to consolidate power and kill his opposition, there would be no silly questions about who's in charge.

What is the deal with this spreading scourge of democracy? Isn't there some sort of protective vaccine that can be given to us despots?

It seems that another country has unjustly deposed a longtime dictator. This time it was Kyrgystan.

Yeah, that's exactly what I said. But I checked, and there really is a country by that name. It used to be part of the old Soviet Union, until they went all soft and wishy-washy.

The people of Kyrgystan apparently got fed up with constant government corruption, disputed elections, and a severe shortage of vowels.

I have on several occasions talked about the inferiority of democracy. Some of you, I'm sure, have disagreed with me. And if I knew who you were, I would personally come to your house and yank out your toenails one by one.

But alas, I don't. That's one problem with the anonymity of the internet.

I bring this up only because there has another colossal failure of democracy. I am referring, of course, to the American Idol fiasco. In case you've been living under Iraq--er, I mean under a rock--and missed the story, here's what happened: During Monday night's episode, Fox TV showed the wrong phone numbers to call to vote for each individual contestant! I should also note that Fox TV is run by the same group of morons that run Fox News, which explains a lot (More on those nimrods tomorrow).

And the worst part of it is that we can't blame Simon for the mess.

How the hell can you screw up something so major as American Idol!?!?! I mean, fine, it's okay if the United States screws up its presidential elections. It's not like those things matter. But American Idol!?!?!?! When the selection of a winner can effect every single infidel living in that country!?!?! This is shocking, and only serves to further demonstrate how fragile democracies are to the winsome whims of the fickle finger of fate.

We despots are big on alliteration....

Rest assured I would never have tolerated this type of mistake on Iraqi Idol. On the other hand, because I was running the damn thing, we didn't have to worry about voting, either.

A recent poll of Iraqis shows that a majority of those surveyed think the country's future looks bright.

Nonsense. That brightness was actually the flash from an exploding car bomb.

People sometimes come up to me and say, "Hey, Saddam! Are you looking forward to your trial? What is your legal strategy going to be? Which do you prefer: The electric chair, a firing squad, lethal injection, hanging, or the gas chamber?"

Well, first of all, that question assumes that there's even going to be a trial. There is still too much turmoil in Iraq, and the judges keep getting blown up. But still, I like to plan ahead just in case. So my lawyers will argue that I can't possibly receive a fair trial here because the potential jury pool has been tainted and/or killed. So we'll move to have the proceedings moved to California. And once that happens, I'll be as good as free. California juries never convict anyone, regardless of the evidence. Hell, they let O.J. Simpson off, didn't they? And who was that other, washed-up actor? Robert Blake? He even tried to hire frikkin' hit men to knock off his wife, and he STILL got acquited.

And you just watch: Michael Jackson's going to get off as well, and I don't mean "getting off" from playing with little boys.

In fact, I'm thinking about following Jacko's lead on this by repeatedly showing up late in the courtroom, wearing pajama bottoms to the trial, and crying like a big ol' baby in front of the judge.

On the other hand, if I follow his example too closely, I might get locked up for being a wack job from outer space.




P.S.
The gas chamber!?! Man, would that be an ironic death or what?

Gosh, has it really been two years since Bush started the war too early with that "decapitation attempt?" I bet if you ask Laura, she'll tell you that it wasn't the first time the President did something prematurely.

Anyway, it warms the cockles of my heart--and believe me when I say I have one of the biggest cockles around--to see so many of my supporters all around the world protesting the illegal invasion and occupation of my palaces.

So what exactly has the United States accomplished during the last two years? Well, they've spent of billions and billions of dollars trying to pacify my country. But rather than being pacified, it continues to behave like a colicky baby. Or, more precisely, a colicky baby armed with machine guns, rocket propelled grenade launchers, and roadside bombs.

And yes, they have captured me, but so what? How was I threat? I had no nuclear program, no poison gas plants, no stockpiles of Anthrax, no working relationship with Al Qaeda, and my air force was subterranean (that means buried in the sand, you ninny). Plus, I had finally decided to be a nice guy and let the United Nations weapons inspectors in like Bush wanted, and what happens? He tells them to leave!!! He changes his mind more often than my wives when they're trying to decide what to wear to a public execution!

Oh, and here's the best part: The guy who killed the 3,000 Americans on 9-11 is still on the loose!!! And making frikkin' videotapes!!!

But at least I'm in jail, so the world must be a better place.

There are some reports that Al Qaeda terrorists may be training as scuba divers so that they can attack ships. That's gotta be the craziest damn thing I've ever heard--Well, at least since that time Bush gave me 48 hours to get out of Iraq.

Now I have no way of knowing for sure since--as the whole stinkin' world now knows--I don't have a working relationship with Al Qaeda. But I do know middle eastern men, and we just don't do water very well. In fact, if you look at the statistics, 73% of drowning victims are Arab males.

Well, okay, maybe I made that part up. But the truth of the matter is that we don't have a whole lot experience with H2O. I suppose that's to be expected when you live in the middle of a frikkin' desert surrounded on all four sides by more frikkin' desert. Hell, expecting one of us to take up scuba diving makes about as much sense as thinking that Jamaicans can field an Olympic quality bobsled team.

It's also why middle eastern guys only bathe every two months or so. That's almost as rarely as the French. It's also why we all look so swarthy--and it ain't from sun exposure.

So to think that you're going to teach some poor 19 year old sap from Jordan to swim is just plain nuts. Good luck with that. Seriously You're about as likely to convince him to jump into the water as you are to make him want to strap on explosives and voluntarily go blow himself up.

Hmmm.... On the other hand, I guess we're dumb enough to try anything once.

The temporary seat warmers currently pretending to be 'governing' my country have reasserted their commitment to democracy.

Yeah, right. We'll see how long that lasts.

Look at what's happening in Lebanon. People got all excited when the demonstrators forced Premier Omar Karami to step down. But then Hezbollah stepped in and organized even bigger demonstrations in his favor, and now he's being reinstated!

So much for democracy there, eh? And if the demonstrators keep protesting back and forth, arguing about who's mob is bigger, it's only a matter of time until the whole country slips back into a civil war.

Then there was some sort of democracy thing in Egypt, where some opposition leader was freed from prison and may now run for President. Hey, let me give you a little tip: If you're dumb enough to believe Mubarak is going to give up power just because he loses an election, you're dumb enough to believe Michael Jackson is innocent!!

As I've said before, democracy is a passing fad. It may even work for a little while in some societies. But ultimately despotism will prevail, for people love being told what they can and can't do. Oh, they may not want to admit it, but deep down, they crave discipline and having boundaries set for them.

Kind of like teenagers.

Longtime reader, renown legal scholar, and faithful sniveling follower Tung Yin writes:

"Hey Saddam, that bin Laden guy has told that al Zarqawi guy to concentrate on attacking the U.S. directly. Doesn't that mean that Mr. Zarqawi won't be trying to get Iraq back for you?"

That is a common misconception, Mr. Yin, and I am grateful you have provided me with an opportunity to address the matter. By the way, forget filing any more briefs on my behalf. I have found boxers to be much more comfortable.

Let me first say that Zarqawi is operating in Iraq as an independent contractor. As such, he is not entitled to any health benefits, vacation time, or overtime pay. Additionally, he is here uninvited. While I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I have to wonder about Mr. Zarqawi's motivations for offering his services. Is he truly fighting for the liberation of Iraq, or is he one of those religious nutcases like Osama bin Laden or Jerry Falwell? Based on some of what Zarqawi has said, I suspect he's the latter.... In other words, he wants to turn my country into another Taliban dominated theocracy.

By the way, in case anyone wants to use him as an example of my ties to terrorists, do I need to point out that Zarqawi is Jordanian? He didn't show up here in Iraq until AFTER the United States invaded.

In an interesting development, President Bush now says that preventing another attack by bin Laden is America's "greatest challenge."

It is? Well, then why did Bush allow himself to get sidetracked by coming after me? Shouldn't he have stayed focused on America's greatest challenge?

Now I will freely admit that I'm not exactly a neutral party in this matter. Having said that, I strongly feel that if the infidels had sent 150,000 troops after bin Laden instead of having them get bogged down in a country that wasn't even a threat, then maybe Al Qaeda wouldn't still be a threat to the entire world.

Iran has accused the United States of "hallucinating" over talks to end its nuclear program. Well, if so, it wouldn't be the first time. The United States has a long history of hallucinations when it comes to the middle east.

In fact, I've long suspected that there's more than just roses growing in the White House rose garden.

______________________________________________________

According to the New York Times, a respected infidel newspaper that allows its reporters to make up stories, the United States intelligence on Iran "is insufficient for making firm judgements."

WHOA!!!!! Is that even possible!?!?! The Bush Administration relying on faulty intelligence!?!?! I'm sorry, but I just find that incredibly hard to believe. America is not the kind of country that would go around making snap decisions based on screwed up, unverifified intelligence. I mean, the ramifications of launching an invasion of a sovereign country based on false evidence would be too great, and no American leader would ever allow such an irresponsible act to take place!

So if the United States says that a country has a nuclear weapons program, well by gosh, it must be true!!!!

Did you happen to see this photo of Condoleezza Rice? It was taken when she and Bush were in Europe a couple of weeks ago. Is it just me, or does she look like some sort of sinister but sexy cross between Darth Vader and a hooker?

Anyway, while you ponder that, her are a couple of great jokes I came across:

AN IRAQI INSURGENT walks into a bar, orders a drink and proposes a toast "to the health of the great George W. Bush."

The bartender is dumbfounded. "How can you -- a murderous, insane, poorly shaved religious fanatic -- drink to the health of a man who embodies everything you oppose: namely, the spread of freedom and liberty and goodness across the globe?"

The filthy swine slaps his forehead. "You are right!" he says. "Forget the drink. I'd better beheading home!"

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Was that a hoot or what? Okay, here's another one:

PRESIDENT BUSH AND TWO ENEMIES OF FREEDOM are on a small airplane when the pilot keels over dead. The plane plummets. There are only two parachutes. The first enemy of freedom grabs one and says, "I need to remain alive so I can continue to ensure that people live in tyranny," and jumps out of the plane. The second evildoer grabs the second parachute and says, "If I die, who will enslave the masses?" and jumps out of the plane.

President Bush says to himself, "Gosh, it's too bad that we are over the ocean and those fellows are going to drown." Then, utilizing the skills he learned when defending our country in the National Guard, he takes over the controls himself and brings the plane down safely on an island. Chuckling softly, he says, "Mission accomplished."

Did you get it? Mission accomplished!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! when I read that one, I about peed my pants! Here's one last one, short but cute:

I JUST FLEW IN FROM BAGHDAD, where I have been commanding thousands of brave troops who are fighting day and night to spread liberty across the globe, and, boy, are my armies tired!

And I'll leave you with this one last photo, taken when Bush stopped in Bratislava during his European tour last month. I think the lettering on the wall pretty will sums things up:

In what appears to be a historic first, a blogger was invited to attend a White House Press briefing this morning. The honor fell to an infidel named Garrett M. Graff, the writer of a Washington based site known as Fishbowl DC.

How odd! I wonder why I wasn't invited?

For the last month the people of Italy have followed with great interest the story of Giuliana Sgrena, a female Italian journalist kidnapped by insurgents just over a month ago. The kidnappers demanded that the Prime Minister of Italy withdraw the 3000 troops that were stationed here in Iraq. He was keeping those soldiers here despite widespread opposition from his own citizens. Now if it had been me, I wouldn't have cared what the stupid people thought. But public opinion matters a lot in democracies, which is a fundamental weakness of that horribly flawed form of government.

So it was with great relief that the Italian people and their President learned of Sgrena's release yesterday. I don't know why she was let go, but her release was negotiated by Nicola Calipari, an Italian intelligence official.

So what happens on their way to the airport? As they approached a checkpoint, American soldiers opened fire on the vehicle. Calipari, instead of diving for cover, instead threw himself on top of Sgrena to shield her.

His actions got him killed while saving the freed reporter's life, though she was wounded. An accident? Well, yes. But all accidents carry consequences for those responsible.

The repurcussions of this event will be severe. Don't be suprprised if Italy ultimately decides on pulling its troops out of Iraq because of it.

Oh my. Gunmen have killed a member of the illegal tribunal that was set to try me, as well as a lawyer working for the group. This comes just days after that very same tribunal ruled that a number of my top government officials are to be tried on charges of crimes against humanity.

Hmmm.... I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

Incidentally, the number of American troops killed in Iraq has now hit 1500. Meanwhile the man who killed 3000 Americans on September 11, 2001 is not only still on the loose, but continuing to make videos urging his followers to kill even more Americans.

But hey, that's okay. At least I'm in jail, so I guess it's all been worth it.

This democracy thing is getting completely out of hand. Now the entire Lebanese government--which was controlled by the Syrians--has resigned. And you know why? All because a couple of tens of thousands of people were protesting outside their parliament building.

What a bunch of pussies!!! All Prime Minister Omar Karami had to do was send in some tanks to crush a few dozen helpless, unarmed demonstrators and everyone would have fled for their lives. That way, he would still be in power, his government officials would still have jobs, and the Syrians would still be solidly in control of Lebanon. Then Karami could have sent in some political prisoners to clean the blood off the pavement, and everyone would have gone home happy!!!

Hey, it worked for the Chinese at Tiananmen Square!

What the hell is happening to this world of ours? Has it gone mad? Has up become down, down become up, and east become west? What's next? Michael Jackson being acquited of child molestation charges?

I am referring, of course, to the arrest of my half brother--Sabawi Ibrahim al-Hassan--in Syria. Now I could understand him getting arrested in, say, Italy or Spain or Poughkeepsie. But frikkin' Syria!?!?!? I mean, if Syria's going to go all goody-two shoes on us, then where are the world's terrorists supposed to go for sanctuary?

Time was that if you were a notorious bad guy who enjoyed killing innocent civilians and you needed a country to back you up, you could always count on good ol' Syria. But ever since Hafaz al-Assad died a few years ago, the place has been going downhill. And quite frankly, the problem is that stupid son of his.

Bashar took over the country when his old man croaked, which is normally how we do things here in the middle east. But the problem in this case was that Bashar hadn't been properly trained. I mean, the man is a frikkin' opthamologist, for crying out loud!!! That's great if someone needs glasses, but it hardly qualifies a person as a ruthless, bloodthirsty dictator!!!

That's why I was so proud of my own sons. They didn't waste their time going to college and medical school so they give something back to the world! They were spoiled brats who had the run of Iraq, and who could kill anyone who as much as looked at them funny.

Now that's how you properly groom kids to grow up to be despots!!!

In case you missed the story, a recently released tape reveals the American President admitting to past drug use. This comes not from Dan Rather, but a family friend who secretly taped the then Governor Bush in 1998.

Well, that would certainly explain what he was thinking when he decided to invade Iraq.

President Bush continues to encounter protesters in Europe. Most of them are voicing their displeasure at his unlawful, illegal, and highly irregular invasion of my peace loving nation. And for that I am eternally grateful. Really. I'm moved beyond words.

However, I am disturbed by the prescence of a few loudmouths who are demonstrating against Bush because of his opposition to the Kyoto treaty about that greenhouse gas crap. This bothers me because it distracts from a far more important matter: Me and my continued imprisonment on trumped up charges of crimes against humanity.

How many times do I have to explain that they were NOT crimes against humanity? They were crimes against Shiites and Kurds!!! There's a difference!!!

But I digress... What's important--and it pains me to say this--is that I have to agree with Bush on this particular matter. Yes, it's true: I, too, refused to sign the Kyoto Accords.

The treaty would have seriously cramped my style. Setting entire oil fields on fire releases tens of thousands of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and we would have quickly exceeded the limits imposed on us by the Kyoto treaty.

And quite frankly, blowing up oil fields was half the fun of invading Kuwait!

President Bush is in Europe and he's busy calling for unity.

Isn't that kind of like closing the barn door after the camels have gotten out?

Did you hear about Mullah Mohammed Naeem? He's some Taliban leader they caught in Afghanistan.

But Saddam, I hear many of you asking. We thought you didn't have any 'meaningful relationships' with the Taliban. What gives?

Excellent question, Mr. Italics. And I still don't have any 'meaningful relationships' with them. Just because I'm mentioning them in a blog entry should in no way be misconstrued as proof of the contacts Cheney kept blathering about last fall during that stupid election campaign.

No, the only reason I bring this story up is because I found it to be absolutely hilarious. Naeem was arrested by Afghan troops who found him--get this--hiding in a well!!!

Oh, right....

I mean, how frikkin' pathetic is that!?! What kind of leader tries to hide from his enemies by crawling into a hole in the ground!?!?!?!