Hmm.... It would appear that not everyone appreciates Hollywood as much as I do....

Another infidel, Evvybuns, writes: With all of the money you and Qusay and Uday looted, couldn't you three have hired an interior designer for your palaces and love shacks? I mean, the 60s are SO over! And the French Regency look was tacky even over 30 years ago! I find that I must avert my eyes when I see the pictures. Please make a note to yourself: No more shag carpet! By the way, I love your blog.

Thank you for the question, Ms. Buns. First of all, let me say that I and my family like anything that is French, regardless of the time period. After all we know who our friends are. And what is wrong with shag carpet? It is much more comfortable for making whoopee on than linoleum, which I have tried. Makes my butt squeak.

Finally, it is good that you avert your eyes in my presence. That is a proper precaution to take until I summon you to my chambers to, um, "inspect my floor coverings." And watch your step in there--I dropped Uday's eye somewhere.

But then, how can you love my blog if you are indeed averting your eyes? I sense a contradiction here.

Punkervixen asked about the POW's.... Well, of course they're okay. I mean, it's not like I'd want to get in trouble with the United States!

What do you think I am? Stupid?

A number of people have commented on the number of statues of me throughout Iraq. So what? I am beloved my people, and they proclaim their affection for me, their fearless leader who is currently in hiding, by erecting statues. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, Iraq is the world's number one producer of Saddam Hussein statues!!! Now that's saying something. In fact, the reason people were toppling them left and right was to protect them from the infidel invaders! And since the statues are too big for any one individual to cart off for safekeeping, they were forced to break them up into smaller, easier to handle, pieces. And once I reassume power, my people will bring the pieces back out of hiding and reassemble the statues. Hopefully, they thought to number pieces as to what goes where. Otherwise, I may to gas an entire city for putting my crotch where my nose normally would go.

Besides, I know for a fact that MANY other countries have statues as well. What confuses me, though, is that they are statues of DEAD men. What is the point of that? I mean, they 're dead, for crying out loud. It's not like they're going to walk up to it, say that the nose is crooked, and then shoot the sculptor.

Not that I've ever done that.....

General and Chief Satanic Hellhound Tommy Franks said in an interview that they already have a sample of my DNA. Guess that means they found my poster of Anna Kournikova with the funny stain on the front.

Damn marines have found the Saddam Love Shack. And they got their dirty hands on that topless painting I had done of Bea Arthur back in the '60's. She's gonna kill me for letting that thing get out.

I'm just glad I had the foresight to pack my Swedish Vacuum Pump Enlarger.

The looting and rioting is continuing unabated in Baghdad. You'd think we just won the NBA championship or something.....

Let's see what we have in today's mailbag....

Pfeliciano writes: hey saddam where are you these days you forget to feed your dog and they are starving and your electric bill is way past overdue and your power is about to be shut off if you dont pay it....

Your question raises some important points, and it highlights the misplaced priorities of the evil Bush administration. Here he is, fighting an unjustified war in some far off land, while his own subjects struggle and starve through a serious shortage of punctuation marks! How can he justify this neglect of the grammatical needs of America? Perhaps the United Nations can begin airlifting commas, periods, and apostophies to the US before its people begin looting first grade classrooms.

And maybe throw in a capital letter or two....

As for my dog, I resent your implication that I am somehow neglecting him. I most certainly did NOT forget to feed him!!!

I ate him.

I see the invaders are having a bit of problem controlling looters.

I would be more than happy to loan them some of my non-existent poison gas in return for some sort of amnesty deal! Whaddya say we just forget the last few weeks ever happened?

Yasser Arafat just emailed me. If you've never met him, he's a great guy. Very funny. Knows some really great Jewish jokes. But the last few years have not been kind to Arie. And he's getting invited to a lot fewer parties since he developed that unfortunate bladder control problem.

Plus, arthritis has greatly slowed him down as well. He's in desperate need of hip replacement surgery, but the PLO HMO is refusing to cover it.

And he used to make a mean time bomb, but the way his eysight is now, forget it. The last thing you want to do is mix up the green and red wires on those things.

Anyway, he was worried about me and wanted to know if I had gotten out of Baghdad okay.

I assured him I was fine. I had put on a dress (not something I normally do in public) and fled with a bunch of other refugees. And with this mustache, I blended right in with all the other Iraqi women.

So I told him that so far, at least, I was safe. Going to the ladies room, however, does tend to arouse some suspicion.

Well.... That certainly explains why there are so few female suicide bombers....

Hey, Saddam. Don't forget to keep ducking, okay? Anyway, thanks for the inquiry. Always glad to field questions about theology and the slaughter of innocent civilians, my two favorite subjects. The answer can be summed up in two words: Rosie O'Donnell.

Several of my loyal followers have raised an interesting question: If male suicide bombers get 72 virgins when they martyr themselves, what do the female suicide bombers get?

I must confess that I don't know the answer to that. Theology is not one of my strongpoints. However, if you need advice on torture and the best places to attach live electrical wiring to a human body, feel free to give me a hollar.

Quite frankly, about the only time you'll catch me in a mosque is for funerals or weddings. Beyond that, forget it. I mean, yeah, I'll invoke Allah's name every now & then when it suits my needs. And yes, I'll refer to the occasional invading horde as as "evil bloodsucking baby stealing infidels," but that's more for show. That kind of bluster always looks good on Al-Jazeera, and it gets the illiterate masses nice and riled up. Makes them adore me and want to pinch my cheeks, and then go strap on vests loaded with dynamite. Learned that trick from my buddy, Osama.

Now he's a person who is VERY much into the Allah thing. In fact, I find people like that downright annoying at times. It's always Allah this and Allah that. Osama can be worse than the damn Jehova's Witnesses with his constant preaching. In fact, you know who the most self-righteous and arrogant people in the world are? Born again Muslims and reformed smokers. They immediately assume they're better than you. And Osama fits the bill on both of those.

Oh, you didn't know the world's most beloved terrorist used to smoke?!? Oh, yeah. Like a chimney. Especially after sex. I'd walk into the barn and there he'd be, standing over an exhausted goat, puffing away.

What brand did he smoke? Why, Camels, of course!

HA, HA, HA!!!!

Anyway, I have referred your questions about the female suicide bombers to him.

The fool infidels at blogger.com (aka blogspot.com) continue to vex me. They can not or will not fix their systems. They have had longstanding problems with the formatting of their archives, problems that they are taking their time to fix. I even paid them money (US dollars, no less) to upgrade the site because I believed in their promise that the additional money would fix the problem. Those promises turned out to be empty falsehoods.The only solution, which is an unsatisfactory one, is to reset my blog's timezone to PST.

Well, that's stupid. I'm not in the blasted PST; I am in Baghdad.... Um, I mean, I'm somewhere within a 200 mile radius of Baghdad where evil bloodsucking villianous invaders can not find me. And let us face the unpleasant truth together: If I, a world renown mass-murdering bloodthirsty homicidal maniac of a despot can not get satisfaction from these people, what chance do YOU, a meaningless speck in this vast universe of ours, have? None, I dare say.

On the other hand, my hero Micheal Moore is in the PST, so perhaps this isn't all bad after all.

Nonetheless, I have reset my site to fix this unholy satanic problem. Hopefully this half-a*s solution is only a temporary one.

If you, dear reader, want to start a blog of your own, I suggest you find someone OTHER than blogger.com to host it. They have no scruples about lying to you, ignoring your inquiries, and deceiving you, hiding their weapons of mass confusion, and ramming hot iron rods up your orifices.

Hmmm.... Now that I think about it, we have a lot in common.

Can't say that I like the design of the new Iraqi currency.

I'm just a little distressed by what they did with my statue yesterday. Especially when they broke my head off. That was downright humiliating. It's not fun being "it" in nogginball.

With Uday dead and Qusoy missing. I am in need of new sons. And since my loins don't function as well as they used to, it would be best if I adopted. Ideally, it should be someone who shares many of my own personal values and can be further molded into a person who would be worthy of carrying on the good name of Saddam Hussein. I believe I have found such a person, a teenager named J. Ryan Trimble.

I was deeply moved by his woeful tale of persecution, and have already contacted an adoption agency. With him at my side, we shall retake Iraq and conquer the United States.

I just hope he's not into that video game crap. There's too much work to do reconstructing our mighty armies.

Hmmm.... Apparently the Mother of All Battles has run off with the mailman.

Now my own UN envoy has betrayed me?!? This truly perplexes and befuddles me. Mohammed and I went to the University of Iraq at Mosul back in the '60's. Had a lot of classes together. And while we both majored in mass murder, he had a minor in internatioanal relations whereas mine was in shoving hot iron rods up orifices as an interrogation tool. Graduated first in my class!!

Our sophomore year we both joined the same fraternity, Kamel Dung Pi. Boy, did we know how to PAR-TAY on weekends!!!!!!!!!

And now he says he has "no relationship with Saddam!!!!" That really and truly hurts....

Well, okay, maybe not quite as much as a hot iron rod up a major orifice, but it still hurts.

Okay, I will admit to having suffered some... "minor" setbacks during the last several hours. But this is merely a temporary situation while I and my forces, who I am sure are still out there somewhere, regroup. For the time being I am staying here, where I am safe for the moment. Please forgive me I fail to share my actual location with you, my friends and fellow members of the Micheal Moore fan club. Incidentally, I found his website, but does anyone have an email address for Mikey? I want to see if he has a room I can rent for a couple of months. It would be purely temporary, you understand.

Then we'll drive the invading hordes from our borders. And you can be damn sure I'm charging 'em for those statues they destroyed. And I'm not talking about some kind of depreciation value nonsense here. They're paying full replacement cost.

Then we'll invade the US and free the American people so that I may enslave them.

And when we get there, I've got dibs on Britney Spears....

Now there's a rumor that I'm in the Russian embassy. Without admitting anything, I'll just say that my good friends at the French embassy turned out to be a bunch of wimps. Who'd have ever thought that of the French? Anyway, their door was locked and no one was answering my frantic knocking.

Could've sworn I heard people in there shushing one another, though.

A deweyever writes:

I understand that they are doing marvelous things with DNA identification techniques. Do you plan to yield a small portion of tissue, blood or hair to U.S. forensics experts so as to prove that you were not, in fact, killed in that bombed Baghdad restaurant/bunker. As far as dear Uday is concerned, will you be parting with any of his parts for detailed tests?

Legitimate questions, Mr Deweyever, or whatever your fruity email user name is. If they so desire, I would be happy to send the US military one of my back issues of Maxim. Once they unstick the pages from one another, they'll find plenty of my DNA there. Have fun with it, guys. HA,HA, HA!!!!!!!

At this point, Uday no longer has any parts to spare. But if you check along the side of the road between Baghdad and Tikrit, you should be able to find some.

And what was the deal with trying to kill me in a restaurant? I'm a brutal dictator, for crying out loud, not some two-bit Mafia godfather!!!

HEY!!!!! What happened to all my statues!?!?!?

Speaking of statues, one of my first tasks after I invade America and replace the current regime will be to tear down that boring Washington Monument. I will instead replace it with a 555 foot statue of ... ME! What did you think I was going to say, you silly infidel? Donald Duck?

Tourists will be able to take an elevator all the way up to my neck. From there, they eill be able to climb a staircase leading to my head. My eyeballs and ears will contain windows from which people will be able to look out over downtown Saddam, DC. But perhaps the most spectacular view of all will be that of the Capitol, with my smiling mug painted upon its dome.

I am safely in Tikrit now, along with most of Uday. It was a bumpy ride, and some of his parts fell off the camel, but that's life.... Or in HIS case, that's death....

I am disturbed by news coming out of Baghdad. Apparently those unholy invaders are yanking down my statues. Meanwhile, mobs of my loyal beloved citizens are swarming the streets, screaming and crying, trying to stop the destruction.

I am moved to tears.

Where is my Minister of Information? He needs to go on Al-Jazeera and assure the Arab world that there are no American troops in Baghdad.

I like President Bush's approach to this war. For the past year it's been "We have to get Saddam" and we're going to get Saddam." But when he can't actually catch me, it suddenly becomes "Saddam's no longer relevant." Huh? He just wasted four 2000 pound bunker busting bombs on someone who's NOT relevant? Yeah, right.

This is a complicated dance the two of us are sharing: He's being coy, and I'm playing hard to get.

We'll see if I'm still "not relevant" when I move into the White House and begin remodelling the Oval Office. Perhaps I'll keep the current occupant on as my butler.

Angela, probably an infidel, writes:

Dear Saddam:

Larry King on CNN just told me that you and your 2 boys are dead. Is this true? If so, did you get your virgins? Will you still be able to blog from hell? Is Kim Jong il going to make you give back the Blackberry?

All good questions, Angela. Since things seem to be quiet at the moment, I shall lower myself to your level and answer them.

First, don't believe everything Larry King tells you. In fact, don't believe ANYTHING anyone wearing suspenders ever tells you. There is something wrong with people like that. Especially if they also wear a belt. That just ain't right. Though they pretend to be meek and mild-mannered, they are actually perverts.

Now, as to my sons.... I haven't seen Qusai in few days, but Uday is fine. I have most of his parts in a wheelbarrow that I push around at all times.

I shall keep blogging until someone proves to me that I have been dead for the last three weeks. Then I will have my loyal Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, come up with some outlandish explanation as to how I have managed to keep blogging from the afterlife. Al-Jazeera will immediately report this, and of course the entire Arab world will immediately believe it. Meanwhile, you and that suspender wearing pervert on CNN will just roll your eyes in disbelief.

Kim Jong Il can have his stupid Blackberry back if he wants. I'm about ready to shoot the damn thing. It doesn't want to post properly, though I may it try one more time.

As to the 72 virgins, no, not yet. I'm not dead. And while I know Osama is big on them, I fail to see the appeal. They're virgins, so of course you have to explain what goes where, and what to do, and so forth. Plus, if they're foreign virgins, I would have teach them how to say "YOU'RE MY DADDY" in Arabic in order to answer my oft repeated question.

Then I would have to repeat the whole process another 71 times.

And then what happens after I've used up my virgins? I mean, okay, I've accounted for my first eight minutes in paradise, but what about the rest of eternity?

Forever is a very long time to be stuck with a goat.

What most amazes me (besides my Information Minister's outrageous claims, I mean) is that with all that is going on, there are still cars driving around on our streets! Where in Allah's name are they all going? Everything still standing is closed! Maybe they're suicide bombers. And with the columns of thick, black, oily smoke billowing into our skies, obscuring the noonday sun, and plunging the city into perpetual darkness, many of these idiots don't even bother turning on their headlights!

Please people, if you're going to aim your 1975 Datsun B210 at a fully armed M1 Abrams tank in a final bid for eternal glory, turn on your lights for safety's sake!!!

My enemies continue to revel in the fact they changed the name of Saddam International Airport to Baghdad International Airport. Fine, laugh it up while you can, soldier boys. We'll see who's laughing after I invade the United States, introduce the American populace to the simple joys of autocracy, name Micheal Moore interim Provincial Governor, and change the name of Houston's George Bush Intercontinental Airport to Supreme Saddam, Crusher of the Fat, High Cholesterol Suffering, Lazy Infidel Intercontinental Airport.

We'll need bigger signs, of course.

Look, for anyone concerned that I may have been killed in another of those "target of opportunity" airstrikes, let me assure you I haven't. At least I don't THINK I have been.

Then again, perhaps I am dead, and I just haven't accepted the reality of my situation yet. And if that's the case, then you, dear reader, have some sort of "Sixth Sense" thing going where you can see dead people blogging.

Word is that invading troops have occupied one of my palaces and are making themselves very much at home. Well, that's QUITE rude, if you ask me. Then again, I'm not in much of a position to do a whole hell of a lot about it.

I just hope they remember to leave the toilet seat down when they leave. My wives are kinda funny about that....

A number of people in recent days have asked me, "Saddam, how do you keep going in the face of certain defeat and probable death, all the while maintaining the absolutely prepostorous delusion that you're going to win this thing?"

Being a nice guy, I let them in on my secret: Lots of Prozac, mixed with a special cocktail of LSD and amphetamines, washed down by lots of alcohol.

Then I shoot them for being insolent.

The Zionist controlled media of the west was having a ball with that shot of a British tank yanking a statue of me off its pedestal. Well, the joke's on them: That wasn't a statue of ME; it was actually a DECOY statue of one of my body doubles! HA, HA, HA!!!!

Bet those coalition stooges feel pretty foolish now!

Hmmm.... That is odd.... I keep trying to IM my cousin, Chemical Ali, but there is no response. He lives in Basra. I know he is supposed to be home, and he is usually online this time of night researching new recipes. Why he does not answer?

Did you see me working that crowd the other day? I'll let you in on a little secret: That wasn't me. That was Moustaffah Achmed, one of my SUPPOSED doubles. He's probably my least favorite one. My gut is NOT nearly that big, okay? I mean, granted, my Suzanne Summers Thigh Master was destroyed in a bombing raid last week, and I haven't been able to work out as much as I used to, but I haven't let myself go THAT much!!!

Besides, for the last two weeks I've been living of off bugs I find crawling around on the floor of my bunker.

They're extra lowfat.

I have begun offering the equivalent of $5,000 to any Iraqi man, woman, child, or family goat, who destroys a coalition tank or armored personnel carrier. This is a win-win deal for me. First of all, it will be one less piece of enemy hardware tearing up the well maintained streets of Baghdad. Or at least they WERE well maintained, until all the damn bomb craters started showing up. The bad ones can really screw up the front end alignment of your camel, you know.

More importantly, chances are that the attacker won't live long enough to collect the reward, so I won't have to actually pay out any money.

Coalition personnel are not eligible for this incentive program. With all the damn friendly fire incidents they've been having, I'd go broke in no time flat....

Well, this is pretty cool. My good buddy Kim Jong il

sent me this handy little Blackberry device he

"permanently borrowed" from a kidnapped South Korean

businessman. I don't like the way it formats on the

blog, but I can always go online between assassination

attempts and edit the entries. Oh, and I told Kim to

take some penicillin for that Syphillis of his.



=====



Posted via my Blackberry

Some of our citizens are wondering why, if the unlawful coalition of trespassers is mired in its own pool of bodily fluids because of overwhelming fear back at the Kuwaiti border, there have been American tanks driving around downtown Baghdad. That is a very good question, and it challenges the Iraqi government to come up with a good answer. That is why I shot everyone who asked it.

After about four or five clips, it occurred to me that maybe we should start conserving our ammo. After all, the Syrians are going to have a hard time getting supplies through to us if we're surrounded by an ocean of Abrams tanks (Note to Iraqi citizens reading this: Notice I said IF we're surrounded by Abrams tanks, which we are not, because we expelled the invaders from the airport and sent them fleeing back to Kuwait). (Comprende? Or am I going to have to shoot your sorry, questioning butt, too?)

So then I came up with the story that those are actually OUR tanks, cleverly painted to look like American tanks, in order to confuse the bile spewing enemy.

Pretty good, eh?

Uday's arm just fell off.

Oh, jeez. EVERYONE has to have a blog these days, don't they? Even the Great Satan himself is getting in on the action!

Oopsies....

The unlawful invaders have found a major stash of dead bodies in southern Iraq. This really irritates me. Those were supposed to have been buried YEARS ago! This is the type of thing that makes a regime look bad. I mean, you give a simple order to execute 500 shackled prisoners, then bury the bodies with a bulldozer. Nothing complicated about that! So they carry out the execution part, but then what does some idiot do? Leaves 'em stacked in an abandoned warehouse.

You just can't get good help these days.

There are fewer bombs falling tonight. This would seem to vindicate my brilliant strategy: If I simply waited long enough, the dirt dwelling invaders were bound to run out of bombs!

Oh, I almost forgot. I promised the slime slithering hordes from the swamps of hell a BIG surprise tonight!!! I would tell you and all my other loyal allies in Hollywood what it is, but I better not. You never know who else might be reading.

So they've captured the airport. Big deal. I hate that place. The damn economy parking lots are almost all the way over in Egypt... Literally!!! Then you have to catch one of those open air cargo trucks packed with refugees and all their personal belongings just to get to the terminal building. Whoever designed that place should be shot. Or did I already do that?

And don't EVEN get me started on the airport cops! They are all a bunch of pricks. I remember one time I left my tank parked unattended in the white zone, and they towed it!! I wasn't inside even a minute!!

I tried explaining to the officer that I had just dropped off my cousin, Chemical Ali, who was catching a flight to North Korea on an important sales trip. But he accidentally left his nerve gas samples in the trunk, and I needed to catch up to him before he got on the plane. Sounded perfectly reasonable to me!

But the cop didn't want to hear it. Instead he handed me a ticket for 75,000,000 dinars and then had the audacity to tell me to have a nice day!!!

So then I had to catch a cab over to where my tank was. And of course, they've got 150 tanks there, all of which look the same in the dark. But we finally find mine, and now the tow truck driver tells me he wants 800,000,000,000.95 dinars for storage costs! What storage costs?!?!? He's had my tank for 15 minutes, and he wants storage costs?! So naturally I demand to speak to the manager, but they tell me he's not there. He's a political prisoner and is busy being tortured somewhere.

Anyway, I eventually got my tank back without having to pay any money, but I had to shoot 20 or 30 people to do it.

What a day that was!

Oh, crap.

One of my top generals has been killed trying to run a roadblock. In and of itself that doesn't bother me. What does have me concerned is that he had a phone book with my private, unlisted number in the car!! I guard that information very jealously. But now that those belly slithering invaders have it, I'll probably end up being harassed by calls from MCI asking me to switch my long distance service. I don't know which is worse: Getting bombarded by telemarketers, or by 2,000 pound JDAM's!

Then again, if someone calls with great prices on vinyl siding, a number of my palaces are suddenly in need of some VERY serious renovation work.....

Did you see my speech? Did you like the way I casually threw in that sly reference to the recently downed helicopter? Bet that really got their tongues wagging over at the Central Infidel Agency!

Unless it involves the splitting of atoms to create giant fireballs of death and destruction, I do not normally find myself interested in science. However, this particular site definitely arouses my curiousity while stirring certain awakenings in my loins.

Once this current little tiff with the Great Satan is resolved, and I finish installing a provisional government in the United States, I shall turn my attention to the study of semiconductor physics. It looks like an exciting field and a great way to meet chicks.

I still don't understand why President Bush keeps wanting to take me out. Are he and Laura having marital problems? Is he lonely? What?

The people of Baghdad are once again on the verge of panic. As their fearless leader, it is my duty to calm them, make them feel safe, and if necessary, to shoot the whole sorry lot of them. Consequently, I have asked my information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, to once again go on TV and reassure our citizens that all is well, and that the invading hordes spawned by Satan's own demon seed remain immobilized by fear at the Kuwaiti border. I would address them myself, but I do not wish to leave the side of my son. He may need something. Dead people can be so demanding.

Later, Mohammed and I will address the separate issue of my lengthy sentences and overuse of commas.

I am not sure, however, how many people actually saw his address. The power has gone out all across Baghdad, no doubt because of an unlucky squirrel crawling into a power transformer somewhere. Oh, you didn't think we had squirrels here?

Well, we do. These are desert squirrels, much larger than the puny infidel squirrels of the west. Our squirrels often grow to five feet in length and can easily weigh as much as a Honda Civic. The base model, I mean, without air conditioning and power windows. They have been known to chase down slow or infirm camels and eat them.

That is why we middle eastern males guard our nuts so closely.

I have just received word that the invaders raided one of my palaces just outside Baghdad. Did they think I'd just be sitting around in my underwear watching soaps or something? They're not going to find me THAT easily.

I just hope they didn't discover that stash of, um, "educational" magazines I keep under my mattress....

Now Jesse Jackson is talking about coming to Baghdad to look for some missing journalists, as well as any POW's we may have.

I will gladly meet with Reverend Jackson. Then I'll handcuff us together and use him as a human shield.

Then again, that may not be a good idea. It may only encourage Mr. Bush to increase the bombing even further.

I have been looking over the statistics of civilians killed and injured so far in the conflict, and quite frankly, the numbers make me weep with sorrow! They are not nearly high enough!

That is why I have ordered my Secret Police to put on those old US military uniforms we bought on eBay. Then they are to go out and begin shooting people at random. Maybe blow up a hospital or two in the process. A flattened daycare center or nursing home would look good on Al-Jazeera as well.

And I think we should dip into petty cash and hire an old woman to stand by the rubble, hold her head between her hands, and wail hysterically.

I'll put Uday on it. He needs something to do. Uday! ..... UDAY!!! ..... Uday?

Speaking of the American Minister of Defense, he has stated that nothing short of unconditional surrender is acceptable. I wholeheartedly agree. So anytime Rummy is ready to admit defeat and come to Baghdad with his white flag, I shall be available to meet with him in person. That should end his mindless blathering about whether I'm dead or alive or comatose or seriously injured or vacationing in the south of France, which incidentally, is a country that appreciates my worth as a human being.

And tell him to bring that Pentagon Spokesperson of his along. What's her name again? Right, Victoria Clarke. I shall let her personally inspect my throbbing long range massive missile of love.

It's been banned by the UN, you know.

Disturbing news about this rescued POW.... Aren't such rescues banned by international law? I mean, we captured her fair and square! Where's my copy of the Geneva Conventions? Oh, right, I tore it up years ago.

This never would have happened if the invaders hadn't banished Geraldo. If he were still around, I would have learned of the rescue operation before hand merely by watching Fox News and taken the appropriate precautions.

The fact that this particular operation succeeded tells me that it was planned by military officers who know what they are doing, as opposed to that civilian ninny, Donald Rumsfeld.

Oh, and Uday is still dead.

Suckers.....

Remember how I've been saying all day that I'm giving up? Well, guess what: APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!! HA, HA, HA!!! You people are SO gullible.

Hey, maybe you can get jobs as UN weapons inspectors!

WHOA!! Turns out Uday is alive after all!! We're going out to pillage women and rape livestock!!

I have made arrangements to go into exile in Saudi Arabia. Uday and I will be renting a room in Idi Amin's villa. This is not necessarily something I'm looking forward to. Amin is well known for his all night parties, complete with loud music, dancing girls, strippers, gambling, and human sacrifices.

Even so, it is likely to much quieter than Baghdad has been lately.

Okay, that's it, I give up. I'm leaving Baghdad and going into exile.

There. I said it. Is everyone happy now?

NBC has fired Peter Arnett for his comments on Iraqi TV. What a shame. He was only telling the truth. Isn't that what a journalist is supposed to do?

Petey and I are good friends. He came by the bunker just last week. And he's such a nice guy! He complimented Uday on his appearance, telling my son he looked good for someone who's been dead a week.

Afterwards the three of us went out for pizza. NBC may not know this, but Petey charged it to his corporate American Express card. Bet the bigwigs in New York are going to be MAJORLY pissed when they find out they paid for my dinner!!

Overall the tab really wasn't that much, since Uday didn't seem to have much of an appetite. He just sat there.

Good thing we left the restaurant when we did. It wasn't even ten minutes when a Tomahawk leveled the entire block.

Anyway, I spoke to Petey a little while ago. He's applying for a job at Al-Jazeera.

I'm writing his letter of recommendation.

The invaders remain stuck about 60 Kilometers outside Baghdad. They should not be surprised. This city has long been known for having the worst traffic in Iraq. Between sandstorms, car crashes, jackknifed tractor trailers, rubbernecking delays, mating camels, and downed Hueys, it's always something.

There have been a number of proposals over the years to widen the Baghdad Beltway, but they are always met by opposition from various nomadic Bedouin tribes screaming "Not In My Back Yard!!" Well, hell, they're nomads!! The whole damn desert is their backyard, for crying out loud! Move somewhere else!

I try to gas them, but by then they've always wandered off to somewhere else.

My longtime Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz and I just finished up an all night meeting. We have been discussing the current progress of the war, its likely outcome, and our future prospects. We also tried to contact UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, but international phone calls are difficult when one is forced to communicate using tin cans and string. Anyway, I personally feel the UN is worthless and we should go it alone. Tariq, on the other hand, feels that the cooperation of other nations is essential for success.

But the real question is, just how long will our forces have to occupy a postwar United States? It will undoubtedly end up being an open ended commitment, depending on how long it takes autocracy to take root in that troubled nation.

We will probably put Republican Guard forces in charge of areas east of the Mississippi River, while units from the Fedayeen Militia will have responsibility for areas to the west. Our seat of government will be in San Francisco, which is already a bastion of support for us.

One sticking point: No one wants New Jersey.

On the way out the door, Tariq suggested that I bury Uday, who remains dead and is beginning to smell just a bit.

Now, if it had been anyone else making such a suggestion, I would have shot them on the spot. But Tariq and I go back a long time, and he is among my most trusted advisors and loyal friends. His judgement is impeccable. I fully appreciate the fact that he would disagree with me only if he were 100% certain of his position.

In light of all that, I decided to merely pistol whip him until he screamed like a camel in heat. Then I pistol whipped him some more.

Just finished watching a Pentagon news briefing on CNN. Two things struck me about it. First, it's obvious that the infidel leaders are frantically trying to put the best spin possible on the fact that we are are winning. Yes, it's true that the invading forces from the depths of Hell have established air supremacy, but the last time I looked, Baghdad was not located somewhere up in the atmosphere. It is down here on the ground. And we control the ground. Granted, it is shaking a lot under the constant pummeling by those 1000 and 2000 pound bombs, but it is still ours.

Secondly, that Victoria Clarke is one hot babe.

Good news and bad news: The good news is that one of my missiles got through to Kuwait City and hit a shopping mall. The bad news is that I was aiming for the Target.... Get it? Aiming for the Target!! HA, HA, HA!

Who says brutal despots can't have a sense of humor?

The Mother of All Battles is almost upon us, and Momma is one big, mean, nasty, foul-tempered woman.

Kind of like a really pissed off Queen Latifah.

Now the Americans are complaining that the war is not going according to their plan. Gee, I'm sorry, I must have lost my copy of the script. This is not Kuwait we are defending this time around. It is our own soil. Even my son Uday is vowing to fight on, and he's been dead since last week. My people may hate me, but they don't particularly care for invaders either.

Besides, I told them the reason you were coming here was to steal their children's internal organs for use in transplants.

Thankfully, dawn is upon us. It has been a long night. I have been unable to communicate with my commanders in the field since yesterday evening because smoke signals don't seem to work when it's pitch black outside. Plus, it has just occurred to me that none of us speaks Navajo.

Word has gotten out that our brave, loyal, dedicated troops are kicking in doors and forcing all males to take up arms. This is another example of the vicious propaganda put out by the western media, which everyone knows is a puppet of the Pentagon, which everyone knows is controlled by the international zionist conspiracy. The truth is that while males over the age of six are being ENCOURAGED to fight on behalf of Iraq, it is NOT by any means compulsory! Potential recruits are given a choice: Join the valiant struggle to repel the invaders, or my security forces will shoot your entire family, your neighbors, the people in your email address book, your goats, and that cute little puppy you bought the kids because they absolutely promised to take care it themselves but of course don't.

So as you can see, it's complete freedom of choice!

With the sandstorms having passed, tonight's bombing has been incessant. They have destroyed three more of my palaces, bringing the total to 57. What a waste of fine architecture, marble, and solid gold toilet seats.... I know what you're thinking, but don't worry: They have built in warmers. I mean, what do you think I am? Some kind of savage? Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to explain all this to my insurance company.

After I discovered that my phone calls were being monitered by the unlawful invaders threatening to install democracy in Iraq, thereby spoiling my fun, I decided to communicate with my military commanders by way of carrier pigeon. Well, that hasn't worked out too well, either. Apparently the troops are so hungry that they end up eating the birds without bothering to read my orders. As a result, I will now be issuing my commands by way of smoke signals. That should be easy enough. God knows we have enough smoke around here. Oh, and if you're wondering, there has been no change in Uday's condition.

Those bastards just knocked Iraqi TV off the air again. Right in the middle of my favorite show, Buffy the Invading Infidel Horde Slayer. She was just getting ready to stake their leader, General Spike.

I also ended up missing Sand Trek: The Next Generation.

Maybe I'll check with Salam Pax to see if he taped either of the shows. He lives just down the street from my bunker and has a satellite dish.

President Bush has announced that his war will cost at least $75 Billion. WOW!!!! I am quite flattered that he is spending all that money on me.

I hope he's not going to expect anything in return. I mean, yeah, sure, I can be a flirt at times, but that's just talk. I'm really not THAT kind of despot.

Uday is still dead.

I have just received word that the citizens of Basra are revolting.

So what? This is nothing new. Those Shi'ite muslims have never been particularly fond of bathing.

Thank Allah my computer is up and running. I just read in the online edition of USAToday that Delta Force commandos have tapped into my phone line! Good thing the Americans have a free press or I would never have found out! I shall begin using carrier pigeons to communicate with my subordinates.

I used to complain that AOL sucks, but to their credit, I still have internet access. It's slow as molasses in a January sandstorm, but at least it's working.

I'm tempted to email North Korea's Kim Jong-il for reinforcements, but he'd probably just go off into one of his nonsensical rants again. I think the Syphillis is beginning to effect his mind.

I asked Uday earlier to clean up some of the debris lying around the bunker, but has he? No! He just stays in that chair, slumped against the wall. If it weren't for the duct tape holding him upright, he'd be srawled all over the floor. Sometimes I wonder if he is truly a product of my loins, or if his mother cheated on me. I would ask her, but I can't remember which of my wives bore him.

He's always been a little lazy, but this is ridiculous. I can't help but feel he is taking unfair advantage of this whole being dead thing.

Here's a story that says there are a number of websites taking bets on when I'll die. Careful what you wager. In fact, if I were you, I'd start taking bets on how long it will take for the INVADERS to surrender to ME.

There is an old saying, "It ain't over till the fat lady sings." And she's in Baghdad at this very moment clearing her throat.

That last bombing raid caused my son Uday to fall out of his chair. I had to lift him back up and duct tape him in place. Granted, he's still dead, but I think he's getting better.

Once I emerge triumphant from the current brouhaha, I'm going to need a new cabinet. Most of the members of the old one are still buried in the rubble of my command bunker. And since it's obvious that it was a highly placed spy that gave away my location last Thursday morning, I'll have to execute not only the surviving cabinet members, but everyone else I know. Then I'll execute everyone they know, and then I'll execute everyone THEY know. It's kind of a three degrees of Kevin Bacon thing, if you know what I mean.

Consequently, I remain on the lookout for new, potential cabinet ministers. Prior experience is not necessary, since I'll be making all the decisions myself. What is required, however, is a shared hatred of the United States, its system of government, and all that its flag represents.

That's why I tuned in to the Academy Awards show last night. Where else can one find a greater concentration of America bashers than in Hollywood? Outside of Paris, I mean.

And I was not disappointed! The man who most caught my attention was Michael Moore when he won for best documentary. Okay, that's a stupid category, and the man looks like a homeless goat, but I found his acceptance speech both moving and inspirational. He referred to Bush as a "fictional President" and called the current conflict a "fictional war." From where I'm cowering, it doesn't look TOO fictional at the moment, but it's the thought that counts. By the time he finished, I was openly weeping tears of joy. I don't normally show such emotion in front of my closest aids, but they'll soon be dead, so who cares?

When the time comes to rebuild Iraq, I shall name Mr. Moore my Minister of Propaganda. Of course, he will have to shave and get a haircut first.....

Things got really ugly earlier when another bombing knocked out my satellite feed. Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem, except that it happened halfway through a Sopranos rerun. My phone service was restored earlier today, so I was able to call the cable company. Now if you, dear reader, got a call from Saddam Hussein, you'd stop whatever you're doing and talk to me, right? I said "RIGHT?" No, that was NOT intended as a question....

Anyway, the cable company had the audacity to put ME on hold!!!! Obviously these people had a martyrdom wish!!!! You don't make me spend five minutes of my valuable time listening to a Muzak version of "Yesterday." At least not if you value your life. I ended up sending Chemical Ali down to their offices to straighten out the situation. Ali can be MOST persuasive when he starts pulling out his little vials and spray cans.

So why do I, a well respected world reknown despotic mass murdering dictator, watch the Sopranos? Why, for inspiration, of course! I really identify with that Tony. We tend to solve potential problems the same way: A single gunshot to the back of the head. And while he has his bumbling FBI agent Harris always trying to nail him, I have the equally bumbling Hans Blix to worry about. Or I did, until he went back to Sweden. I should have handcuffed the two of us together when I had the chance.

One important differnce, though, is that Tony and his people waste a lot of time disposing of the remains of their "policy decisions." Me, I prefer to stack my policy decisions in neat piles on street corners. That tends to send a rather clear message to those who would question my judgement.

My son Uday is not looking too good. I have had propped him up in a chair in the corner ever since we dug him out from under the 50 tons of collapsed concrete and steel. I had to use a bicycle pump to reinflate his body, which actually worked better than I expected. But now he just sits there. I talk to him, but he won't answer.

One of my cabinet aids, Abdullah, said that's because Uday has been dead since that initial missile strike Thursday morning. I thanked Abdullah for volunteering his opinion, then shot him. I don't need negative vibes like that. Not at a time like this.

On the bright side, I have just been informed that we have captured some POW's. See? I'm feeling better already.

Well, it's about time...! CNN has FINALLY decided to tell the truth about the evil being unleashed upon my poor, helpless nation. A peace loving nation that has never EVER hurt anyone! Not even a fly!!!

Well, okay, there was that thing with the mustard gas and the 15,000 Kurds, but that doesn't really count. Those were Kurds, after all, not people or insects.

Finally dug my way out of there and went to the store. Stocked up on some basic necessities like french fries, french bread, french dressing, French's mustard, and German chocolate cake. I also decided to splurge a little bit and bought the latest Dixie Chicks CD and a couple of Sean Penn movies. If you notice a pattern there, it's because I know who my friends are.

Needless to say, there was no Texas Pete Hot Sauce on my grocery list.

They're bombing me again. I can wait them out, though. Sooner or later, they're bound to run out of bombs.

This whole situation points out the fundamental problem with democracy: Every few years they have these things called elections. True, I have had elections here as well, but under the west's system, you're NOT allowed to shoot the people that vote against you. That adds an unacceptable level of uncertainty to the outcome.

Consequently, western countries are subject to periodic changes in leadership. That also leads to broader changes in governmental policies.

That is not fair to dictators like me. We get used to doing things a certain way and become used to thumbing our noses at world opinion. We do this because there are never any serious consequences. Granted, they impose sanctions, and on occassion lob a cruise missile or two at us, but that's it. And sanctions are not a big deal. Invariably, there are loopholes allowing for "humanitarian" reasons. But we can always skim a little (Okay, sometimes a lot) off the top to build lavish palaces and buy forbidden weapons. But again, we do this because we can. It's a great little scam.

Then all of a sudden, some big powerful democratic country has one of those election things, someone new takes over, and suddenly they actually MEAN what they say?!?! How the hell is someone like me supposed to know when they're serious in their threats to invade?

I miss Bill Clinton.

I never did get a chance to go to the store. Between the shrapnel, fireballs, flying body parts, and collapsing buildings, it just wasn't safe to venture out. But even in here, I couldn't sleep because of the racket. And when I don't get enough sleep, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I gas the Kurds. That has never failed to make me feel better when I'm feeling down.

But now I can't even do that! The phone lines have been cut, and my cellphone doesn't seem to work right either. Damn Verizon people deserve to be taken out and shot. Or did I do that last month....? No, no... I'm thinking of the Microsoft Tech Support team that was stationed here in Baghdad. Those people DEFINITELY deserved to be shot.

The Verizon people will be next, assuming I can eventually dig my way out of this bunker. Every time I try calling someone, all I get is this annoying voice that says, "Hey Saddam, can you hear us now.....? Good."

I knew I should have gone with T-Mobile. That Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot.

Well, I've almost used up all my Scuds, which is actually pretty good, since I didn't have any to begin with. HA HA HA!!!! Fooled that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, though.

You've probably heard that the Americans are meeting with light resistance, and that my troops are surrendering en masse. This is all part of my brilliant military strategy to lull the invading hordes into a false sense of confidence. Just wait till they get to Baghdad!! Or more precisely, what's LEFT of Baghdad.

Does Amazon.Com sell hearing aids? I need one after what happened in that bunker the other day. That was louder than that Who concert I went to back in '75.

Anyway, I better stock up for what promises to be a long seige. I'm going to head over to my favorite store for supplies.

There is some speculation as to whether or not I was killed this morning. Poppycock!! If I were dead, don't you think I'd be the first to know about it? But if I am, in fact, now officially eligible to play the role of "the corpse" on Six Feet Under, then who appeared on Iraqi TV after the attack? Yes, I suppose it COULD have been one of my officially certified body doubles, but what would the point be?

For that matter, how do you know it's the REAL Saddam making these blog entries and not some imposter posing as me? I mean, posing as HIM, since if I was really me, I wouldn't be posing as me to begin with? Then again, I could ACTUALLY be me, but posing as an imposter posing as me in an effort to throw off the American intelligence services.

Then again, how do you know I'm not a 15 year old high school cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York?

Some points for you to ponder....

Nice try, Mr. Bush, but you missed. And quite frankly, I'm not very impressed so far.

Say.... Where's Uday?

WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Well, the 48 hour deadline has passed and there are no bombs falling and no American tanks rolling through the countryside. It is completely silent outside. Well, ALMOST completely silent, except for the wailing women & screaming children my soldiers have dragged out of their homes to use as human shields.

I knew all along Bush was bluffing.

Don't tell anyone, but I have begun consolidating my military forces in and around Baghdad.

I was afraid of what effect the current crisis would have on my family, but it doesn't seem to be bothering them. My sons continue to go about their daily business as usual, looting villages, pillaging women, and raping livestock.

I am very proud of them.

I have been up all night looking for my mustard gas, but for the life of me, I can't remember where I put it.

I know I had ten tons of it a couple of weeks ago. That's when it was hidden in Mosul. Then I ordered it moved to Baqubah, and when the UN inspectors started snooping around there, it was supposed to be moved to Kirkuk. But according to IraqEx, it was shipped to Tikrit by mistake. From there it supposedly went to Bayji, but no one in Bayji remembers signing for it.

I've been calling IraqiExpress, but no one's answering the phone. I think the cowardly bastards have all fled to Jordan.

Sometimes it's lonely at the top.

So Bush has delivered his ultimatum. Now let him enforce it. We Iraqis are a proud people and shall not surrender so easily. Sure, we gave up Kuwait without much of a fight, but that wasn't our soil. But now the Americans are talking about invading Baghdad itself. My people will fight to the death to defend their country. And if they don't, I will kill the sniveling cowards myself.

I will not leave Iraq. This is where I have lived my entire life. There is no way I will ever go into exile. My friends and most loyal followers are here by my side, and are prepared to lay down their lives to protect me. Am I right, people? Uh, I said, AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?! Hello? Hey, where'd everyone go?

Now those Americans really have me confused. For years they've been bitchin' and moanin' about how I wouldn't let UN inspectors into the country. So FINALLY I give in to their demands and let them in. Keep in mind this has been terribly inconvenient for me. Having to continuously keep moving our weapons of mass destruction--I mean ALLEGED weapons of mass destruction--from one location to another (supposedly, I mean) has not been easy. But we decided to do it, hoping against hope that Bush would stop harping on how I once gassed 5,000 Kurds. Gimme a break!!! That was 15 years ago!!! Give it a rest already!!!

Anyway, now he turns around and is telling the inspectors to get OUT of Iraq!?! Can't he make up his mind already? He's worse than a woman. "Should I wear these shoes or those shoes? This dress or that dress? Disarm him or completely change the regime?"

I just wish he'd stop waffling and show a little backbone.

Well, Bush and two puppets from Britain and Spain have set a deadline of tomorrow for me to disarm. Big whoop. By my count, this is the 347th deadline in the last 12 years. Then again, the other 346 times didn't include 250,000 American and British troops breathing down my neck. Well, we'll see. Bush would have to be insane to attack me with the opposition he's facing both at home and abroad. I draw strength from those protesters. Why, it's better than Viagra!!! Um, not that I've EVER needed any artificial help to, um, "launch my Scud," if you know what I mean..... If Bush wants to see a REAL weapon of mass destruction, I got it hangin' right here!

Even the Dixie Chicks are on my side. Maybe I'll invite them to Baghdad and personally show them my big, massive, throbbing long range missile.

This latest summit meeting of the "Axis of Warmongers" is meant to intimidate me through a show of unity. HA, HA, HA.... Give me a break!! I mean, yes, the United States is certainly intimidating. The British TRY to be scary, but let's face it: They talk funny. And Spain? Now that's a hoot!!! Does Spain even HAVE an army?!? What are they going to do? Send bullfighters over here? Remember that whole Spanish Armada fiasco of theirs a few hundred years ago? So much for their navy.

On the other hand, the opposition to this supposedly coming war is much more unified. Russia, China, France, Germany, and the rest of Europe are all against it. Well, there was that one embarassing incident a few days ago when France surrendered to Germany. But that was cleared up when someone explained to Jacques Chirac that this time they were both on the same side.

Anyway, that's where things stand now.

Oh sh*t.....!

Well, this was certinly a pleasant surprise!! The Americans just gave me a wonderful present: A brand new Ford Explorer with a set of four Firestone tires!

I guess they really like me after all!

Watched the Bush's press conference. Very interesting. Not many people know this, but I sometimes hold press conferences. Then at the end of the press conferences, assuming I liked the questions, we release the reporters' families. It's always nice to see those tearful reunions of the survivors.

Anyway, I wasn't particularly impressed. Bush really didn't have anything new to say. Just the usual stuff about kicking my butt if I don't give up my weapons of mass destruction, which I don't have and will not hesitate to use when the United States attacks. Um, I mean, I would not hesitate to use IF I had them. But I don't. Really. Don't know what he's talking about.

I do appreciate him saying that he will tell the UN inspectors to leave before he launches his attack. That should give me plenty of time to be conveniently out of town on the big day.

I went shopping today. All the K-Marts and Wal-Marts have been turned into Targets for some reason.

Very odd....

One of the very few things I like about the United States is their free press. They can print whatever they want, and the President is powerless to have them executed.



What the hell kind of President is THAT?



And sometimes this free press prints things that are incredibly helpful to me. For example, USAToday has published an article outlining their military's plans for waging war on my poor, impoverished nation. Why, I myself have been reduced to making do with a mere 17 grand palaces. We can barely afford to pay our nuclear physicists.... Um, I mean, IF we had nuclear physicists, THEN we could barely afford to pay them.... Anyway, these published plans have proven to be immensely helpful in the planning of my defenses.



My spies, on the other hand, have proven to be worthless. Every time we send someone over there, they defect!! Then I'm forced to kill their wives, children, parents, in-laws, nephews, cousins, and paperboys. Then what happens? I get yelled at by human rights groups! It's just not fair.



Anyway, they defect and get jobs in America driving cabs, or working in something called a "7-11," or serving as HMO primary caregivers. These treacherous SOB's claim that such menial jobs are somehow better than the wide array of career paths available to them here, such as working as an (alleged) poison gas tester, or operating a (make-believe) nuclear reactor, or, most respected of all, a job artificially inseminating camels.



Why would anyone want to live any place else?