Loyal reader and fellow hater of the loudmouth Shiites splinter_01 asks, Here's one for you...what did you think when your Information Minister when he was outside his office, on a fine Baghdad Morning, saying that the USA wasn't anywhere near Baghdad, then, ran for the hills when USA artillery shells started exploding?

I was quite impressed by his stupidity, uh, I mean LOYALTY, as he answered those questions. A fine performance, indeed, and I was more than happy to spare the lives of his family in return. I was somewhat LESS than impressed, however, when he finally decided to leave Baghdad. All I could think to tell him at that point was "Run faster or get the F*CK OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Guess where I am....



You're getting colder...







You're getting warmer...

This makes what, 14 of the '55 most wanted' captured? I'm starting to feel like I'm not playing with a full deck.

I am very disturbed by the number of Shiites protesting the US presence in Iraq. Don't misunderstand me; I love the protests themselves and find them quite moving. What DOES bother me though is the sheer number of these people. Where are they all coming from? My cousin, Chemical Ali, assured me years ago that he had gassed them by the tens of thousands. Yet there they are on TV!! Either he deceived me, or these people have some sort of accelerated gestation period and reproduce like rabbits!

Unfortunately, I don't think it has anything to do with their biology. Too bad Ali is dead. I'd love to shoot the lying SOB myself.

If I've learned one thing these last several weeks, it's never hire your relatives. They'll walk all over you, then expect you to spare their lives.

A loyal reader has alerted me to what is allegedly an interview with me. It is mildly amusing. Rest assured that when I invade the soon to be United States of Saddam, I will track down its author and have a word or two with him. We'll discuss the weather, and then talk about how he gets his ideas. I'll compliment him on his wit and sense of humor.

Then I'll shoot him for being a smartass.

For all you skeptics out there who continue to foolishly insist that I'm dead, I draw your attention to my Deputy Prime Minister's claims that I'm still very much alive. I'm not too happy about him singing like a canary, but I do understand. The infidels confiscated his collection of pornographic DVD's when they ransacked his house a couple of weeks ago, and he wants to get them back. Quite a collection, too, and it's great hearing that typical instrumental soft jazz porn music pumped through a Surround Sound Dolby Digital 5.5 Bose sound system. It rocks, man!

Oh, bj, bj, bj.... It seems you were off by a day. April 28 is my birthday!! Well, the good news is: You were only off by a day and your intentions were honorable.... Just as mine always are! Therefore I shall spare your miserable, meaningless life.

The bad news is: How fond are you of your testicles?

Have you been watching that new TV show, Mr. Personality, with Monica Lewinsky?

Brings back fond memories of the year she interned for me....

See if you can do better at this than Hans Blix did. And do you like that thing I do with my eyebrows? Practiced in front of a mirror for a whole month to get that just right!

A bjprice writes: If it is still April 27th wherever you are... BIRTHDAY SADDAM! BJ. How very sweet! Is today my birthday for real?! I suppose I should Google myself to verify this, but I will take you at your word. After all, I feel that you and I have established a certain level of trust. And while I would have no problem stabbing you in the back, twisting the knife, and going through your pockets as you lie writhing in agony on the ground, the same is not true for you.

And what is that at the end of your message? Are those your initials, or is that an offer?

There are vicious rumors going around that I've been in bed with Al Qaeda. Lies. All vicious lies. I've been in bed with the Syrians, some Russians, an occasional goat or camel, and plenty of women, but never anyone from Al-Qaeda. That has been, and remains, a purely professional relationship. And as far as that march of 1998 meeting is concerned, we did brunch. That's it. Well, MAYBE we did discuss a little bit of.... "Chemistry," but in a scientific sort of way. Nothing more.

Really.

Trust me.

Would I lie to you?

I see they have arrested that "self-appointed Mayor of Baghdad." I had been wondering who that guy was, but now that I've seen his picture, I recognize him!!

That's good ol' Stinky!!!! He's some homeless guy who used to hang out on the corner of Saddam Boulevard and Saddam Avenue, just down the street from the Saddam Gardens Condominiums!!! He'd stand there, ranting and raving and talking to himself, asking for spare dinars. We usually left him alone because he would clean our windshields if we were stuck at the light.

I was wondering what became of him.

A bit of helpful advice comes from Teri 231 who writes: What you may not know is that Tariq was located because he used his cell phone to call someone to fetch him some toilet paper. Don't make the same mistake.

Thank you for your concern Teri, but that won't be a problem for me.

I don't use toilet paper.

Apparently desperate for a date, sillydolly writes hi saddam, not heard any news of your sons for a while. are they in good health?

Thank you for you inquiry, sillydolly. Does the keyshift not work on your computer? Ah, but you were able to summon up a question mark! No matter. We can save the subject of capital letters for a later time. Are you free next Saturday night?

Qusay is doing well. Last I heard he was hiding in the ladies room at the Mosul bus station. As for Uday, well, he's doing pretty well for someone who's been dead since March 19. With all that's happened the last few weeks, I've occasionally misplaced his pieces, dropped him down the stairs, forgot and left him tied to the back bumper of my car as I fled Baghdad... Um, I mean, um, as I went to "regroup" elsewhere. And I think it is a true testament to the kind of man he was that he has never once complained as various limbs became separated from his torso.

At this point, all I have left of him is an eyeball. Can't tell if it's the left one or the right one, though. They both look alike.

I keep it in my pocket.

A rlpekru asks, in regard to my Minister of Air Defenses Muzahim Sa'b Hassan, Didn't you fire him almost four weeks ago after his inability to defend Baghdad or any other part of Iraq from the infidels' air strikes?

No, Mr. ripekru, I did not. That is merely a rumor put out by the zionist controlled western media to make my government appear weak and in disarray. Besides, I do not fire cabinet ministers. They are appointed for life.... The length of which often depends on the kind of job they do.

In Mr. Hassan's case, he was merely following our ingenious war plan to lull our enemies into a false sense of complacency. Then, once that is achieved, we shall pounce and devour them whole, while they kick and scream on the way down our gullets.

We should be ready any day now.

Now the Pentagon is saying that they think I'm dead. That's odd. I don't feel dead. Then again, I don't feel particularly alive, either. But then again, who among us is truly alive?

Is trudging to work every miserable day of your meaningless life, and then handing a third or more of your limited time on Earth over to some inhumane boss who doesn't give a crap about you as long as the Dobson report is on time, working for an ugrateful employer who will eventually lay you off just as your youngest child is about to go off to college, only to go home to a woman who no longer loves you except every other Friday when you come home with a paycheck and is haveing an affair with your best friend, and then finding out your 15 year old daughter has gotten herself knocked up by some 18 year old bass player named Snake because that's what he has tatoos of all over his body, eventually forcing you to turn to alcohol to stagger through your remaining days, until you drop dead of a heart attack at 56.... Is that what you call living?

Ain't life grand?

I pray this is not true, but I just heard a rumor that Donald Rumsfeld is appearing nude on the cover of next month`s Soldier of Fortune magazine.

Did you watch the Dixie Chicks being interviewed by Diane Sawyer, who incidentally, is something of a babe herself. Anyway, they claim those pictures of them and me floating around the internet are doctored. Don`t believe `em. They were here in February. We partied together for a solid week....

Thank Allah for Viagra!

Holy Mother of Crap!!! That was close!!! Those blasted special forces devils charged in here, kicked in Tariq's door, and arrested him!!! The zionist controlled western media is making it sound like he willing surrendered, but that is most assuredly not what happened. He was kicking like a rabid camel in heat and screaming like a little girl as they dragged him out.

I was worried he would give me up--I was only two doors down from him--but he didn't. Even during his brave struggle, Tarrie realized that if he talked, I would eventually cut his miserable tongue out and feed it to the prison rats. Then I'd make him pick up the soap.... If you catch my drift.

But it still wasn't over, for then they came back in and began tearing out the walls looking for more of my hard earned money, those greedy little buggers. That went on for hours.

Fortunately I had the foresight some time ago to put an "out of order" sign on my door, and they fell for it!! Never even bothered to doublecheck!! I just kept my feet off the floor and squatted on the toilet seat so they'd think the stall was unoccupied. Allah must have been looking out for me. And he better keep doing so, if he knows what's good for him!

By the time they finally left I had to take one helluva dump.

The Evil Ones have discovered hundreds of millions of dollars hidden behind a wall in one of my palaces. Now they are trying to determine if it is counterfeit. Well, I can assure it is NOT. What do these people take me for? I am truly insulted. I am a mass-murdering sadistic sex-crazed homicidal sociopathic despot, for crying out loud, NOT a criminal!!!

And that money better all be there when I get back home.

I am positively giddy with delight today. I mean, sure, my life is pure sh*t at the moment, but look at all that's going on with the Dixie Chicks! First, I find out they're on the cover of this week's Entertainment Weekly NAKED!!!! Then tonight they're going to be interviewed by Diane Sawyer on ABC. You can bet I'll have my satellite TV tuned in to that!

And with a little bit of luck, they'll be naked for that as well.

Just got word that the Americans have captured Muzahim Sa'b Hassan, who was my Commander of Air Defenses. It was a cushy job, really, since we didn't have any air defenses to begin with. Still, it was enough to qualify him as the Queen of Diamonds.

Uh-oh.... As I recall, Mohammed Hamza--the Queen of Spades was arrested a couple of days ago. That means the bastards have a pair of Queens now!

I'm starting to feel just a bit depressed. Time to put on my Dixie Chicks CD. They ALWAYS cheer me right up!!

Now let me get this straight: For the last five years the United States has been demanding that I let the UN weapons inspectors back in. So finally, just to shut them up, I did. Now all of a sudden Bush is saying he does NOT want the UN inspectors in Iraq!! Has he started drinking again, or what?

I think Jacques Chirac should DEMAND that Bush let the inspectors back into Iraq, or else France will invade the United States!

HA, HA, HA!!! Can you imagine France invading ANYTHING!?!? HA, HA, HA!!! I'm so funny, I crack myself up sometimes!! Maybe I'll imprison Jay Leno and take over The Tonight Show.

If any of my faithful followers were looking for that USAToday article about spam, I have corrected the earlier link.

Yes, it is true. I made a mistake. And if you breath a word of it to anyone, I shall hunt you down like the infidel dog you are.

A Bruce S. writes: Is it true that in a secret deal your former Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed Al Sahaf, has agreed to represent Scott Peterson in his upcoming trial for murdering his wife and unborn son?

Thank you, Bruce, for inquiring about Mo. And for anyone who just crawled out from under Iraq and is not familiar with him, my Minister of Information was the calm, reassuring voice of reason while the invading cowardly mongrels snuck up on us in the dead of night and took up TEMPORARY residence in Baghdad. Really, we were as surprised to see the whites of their beady little eyes as everyone else. Oh, and if any of you happen to run into Mo, tell him I said thanks for a job well done, and that I'm ready to release his family.

Now back to the question at hand.... Mohammed, the last I heard, was working as a journalist for the widely respected Weekly World News while he awaits his wife and five kids to join him. Oops, I mean four kids. Better make that three kids. I meant TWO kids. One? Okay, so while he awaits his wife to join him. Uh-oh..... Anyway, Mohammed is working as a journalist while he enjoys his newly achieved bachelorhood.

There was a rumor that he was well hung, but I wouldn't know about that. Really. Well, there was that ONE time, but we were both drunk, and I honestly don't remember anything that may happened prior to waking up in his arms.

Though quite well-educateded, and fluent in Farsi, Urdu, English, German, Russian, Baldfaced Lying, and Spanish, he does not have any sort of law background.

Besides, Mr. Scott Peterson will NOT be needing legal representation much longer. I will soon be taking over the newly formed United States of Saddam, and most lawyers will find themselves out of a job. Perhaps they can do something productive with their lives for a change, like get jobs at 7-11's or as cabdrivers. After all, the people currently in those positions will soon be getting high level government jobs under the Saddam administration.

As to Mr. Peterson: I will carefully review the facts of the case, determine exactly what he did to his wife, and then devise a similar but much slower method of execution for him, all the while taking extreme care to maximize his pain.

You gotta admit my system of justice is, at times, much more appealing than what you have now.

I continue to be vexed by spammers. Who are these people, and why do they all seem to assume that my "manhood" is too small? I can assure you there is nothing wrong with it. They don't call me the human Scud for nothing, you know. And as for the porn sites.... Well, okay, maybe not ALL spam is bad....

But the fact remains that unwanted and unsolicited emails annoy me to no end. Remember what I did to the Kurds and the Shiites? HA!!! Those atrocities pale in comparison to the horrors I am prepared to unleash upon those who clog my mailbox with ridiculous offers. And clicking those "Remove me from future mailings" links only worsen the situation. Most of those do NOT remove you from any list; they only assure the sender that it is a valid address, thereby subjecting you to even MORE emails. A very deceptive practice, if you ask me. Someone should have Hans Blix look into it.

What am I saying? That dumb Swede couldn't find his butt if it wasn't already attached to the top of his legs!

Anyway, that's why I was pleased to read about a new email service in USAToday (the online edition, of course) that promises to eliminate spam. I have already signed up. This was not easy, though, for the service does cost 807,237,871,093.27 dinars a year (That $9.99 in infidel currency). Money's has been tight since my finance minister, Hikmut Mizban al-Azzawi, was arrested. He was the eight of Diamonds, I believe. And you'll notice that though the invaders are bragging about their many successes, they still aren't holding any aces!

Despite the difficulties involved in raising the necessary ten bucks, I feel that it will be worth it.

So if any of you are feeling brave, and want to risk public humiliation, drop me a note.

I was just talking to my Deputy Prime Minister, Tariq Aziz (he's hiding three stalls down from me), and he's quite depressed. Tarrie was checking out the Satanic Department of Defense site showing the deck of 55 cards, and it turns out he's only the eight of spades!! I told him not everyone can be an Ace, but it didn't seem to help. He felt he should at least be a Jack of Something or Another.

What an egotistical crybaby....

Ann-Marie, which sounds suspiciously like an infidel name, writes: Have you thought about having yourself cryogenically frozen? Ted William's kids had him frozen to keep him until they perfect cloning, after which he'll be defrosted, and cloned.

This is a very good question, and one which is firmly based in reality and on sound, proven scientific principles.

As you may or may not know, the current Osama bin Laden is, in fact, a clone. The original one was killed in a freak camel explosion about a year ago. The Raelians, a respected group of fruitcakes who wear cone shaped aluminum foil hats to deflect cosmic mind rays beamed at the Earth by the US government, used a tissue sample scraped off a rock to create the new Osama.

That was fine for him, but it will not be necessary for me. I have carefully checked my daytimer and I can assure you that I have no immediate plans to die.

Besides, Ann-Marie, being a hot-blooded man of the desert, I would not be able to tolerate the cold environment of a cryogenic chamber. I would probably freeze to death. Even worse, the evil Bush might come along and yank the plug. Really. The man is obsessed with me. It's very uncomfortable knowing that he is constantly trying to keep track of my every move.

I'm sorry, but I need my space.

So if the evil ones fail to find any chemical weapons, can I have my old job back? And as an added bonus, I`ll take care of those uppity Shiites REAL quick.

Another minor setback in my plan to dominate the world as Muhammad Hamza al-Zubaydi, one of my top homies, was arrested today. His capture was the first of a "face card," as Moe was the Queen of Spades. The invading mongrel foaming-at-the-mouth infidel dogs are probably feeling pretty good about that. It will be a shortlived victory.

When I break him out of prison, I'll have to give him a hard time about being a girl card. HA HA HA!!!!!

Oh, he is going to be SO pissed!!

Congratulations to Ahmad Chalabi, who finally figured out that I'm still in Iraq. Maybe the autographed Aces of Spades I keep leaving behind as a taunt to my pursuers tipped him off. Keep my chair warm, Ahmad, for I will soon be coming back to reclaim it. And enjoy your testicles while you still can, you worthless backstabbling jackal, for those will soon be mine, too. And then I'll feed them to my pet lions!

How does Geraldo Rivera get such a massive ego into such a tiny head?

When I take over the United States of Saddam, one of my first orders of business will be to have an out of control mob loot the Smithsonian Institution.

This morning I was confronted by a giant pink bunny rabbit which offered me a very pretty, multi-colored egg. Needless to say, I ate it right there on the spot.

No, NOT the egg, you silly infidel!! I can't eat eggs! Doctor wants me to watch my cholesterol. I plan to live a l-o-n-g time.

Heck, I'll probably still be around when it's Jenna Bush's turn to invade Iraq!

A number of people have commented that the pet lions found at my palaces appear to be well fed.

Well, of course they are!! I may not be afraid of the United States, but there's no way I'm going to risk pissing off the PETA people. Now THEY'RE a scary bunch!

Besides, why do you think no one's found any of my political prisoners yet?

My seven former guests of honor are back home in Texas.

When do I get to go home?

A joebeckner, obviously an anal retentive infidel, writes: With the bombing and all, how does a respectable despot keep up his moustache maintenance? I mean, no power for your moustache trimmer, darkness in the bunker, etc., it must be hell on your personal grooming regimen.

Most people would probably find such a question offensive and much too intrusive. Not I, however. I can certainly understand why the little people, such as Mr. Beckner, would want grooming tips from someone far superior to their own worthless selves.

Let me first say that I take great pride in my personal hygeine. Even during the summer, when it's 120 degrees in the shade and I engage in repeated hot, sweaty camel sex every few hours, I routinely bathe every couple of weeks.

A reliable anti perspirant is also a must for when I venture out among my adoring populace. Having a giant sweat stain in my armpit as I wave benovelently would not look good on Al-Jazeera.

Proper dental care is of paramount importance as well. Having a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth as I smile warmly at a crowd of loyal but mostly uneducated followers with the equivalent of a second grade education would probably gross people out. That is why I brush after every meal. Keeping my fangs filed down also requires routine attention.

Now I realize you asked about my mustache, but that is only a minor pixel of a much bigger picture. Whether desperately fleeing through the desert for one's life or frantically clawing your way out of a fifty ton pile of smoldering rubble that used to be an impenetrable command bunker, maintaining an overall aura of defiant invincibility is of the utmost importance.

This is something I wish all young people would understand: Whether preparing a propaganda film to be shown on Arab TV or going in for a job interview, maintaining a crisp, professional appearance is always important. And the constant prescence of a holstered gun on your hip always helps with those lasting first impressions.

As to your original question about my mustache: I have a rechargelable electric razor. Perhaps some day such a convenience will be introduced in America.

So far they have arrested three of the 55 people pictured on those playing cards, including two of my half brothers. One of them, Barzan, was on the five of clubs. They have also caught Samir Abd al-Aziz, who was the four of clubs.... Hmmm, a couple of more half brothers and a cousin, and the infidels will have a straight!

That's nice, I suppose. But without me, they'll never have a winning hand....

What's the deal with this deck of cards the unholy invading infidel hordes are carrying? It supposedly has 55 cards in it. Sounds like a stacked deck to me. I'm tempted to call the UN and file a formal protest demanding sanctions against the United States for cheating, but I won't. I'm afraid the moment I turn on my cellphone a dozen cruise missiles, JDAMs, and Predator drones will lock in on my location.

So I'll just continue to lie low and plot my comeback.

Don't laugh!! Michael Jordan was able to do it, what, like six or seven times? I'll skip the brief career foray into baseball, however, and go right back into debauchery. It's what I do best.

I would like to offer the warmest of welcomes to my new followers linking from The Weekly World News. You have no idea what that does for my legitimacy.

Okay, now please understand that I'm NOT admitting any wrongdoing here. Let's just say that back when I was in college, I did have to take some, um, "unconventional jobs" to make ends meet.

On second thought, maybe using the phrase "make ends meet" wasn't such a good idea under the circumstances....

A phillipsimpson6 writes: Dear Saddam: Although you are dead may you soon get better, so you can be dead all over again. There is no heaven for you matey, just eternal decomposition. Yours, The mother of all Englishmen.

Thank you for your words of hope, Mr. Simpson. Eternal decomposition, though a dead end job, will still leave me in good company with the likes of Beethoven, Mozart, and Bach.

By the way, are you related to Homer?

I didn't know that terror training camp was there. Honestly. That neighborhood was zoned for the manufacture of nerve agents, not educational facilities.

Someone's gonna be in deep trouble once I dig myself out from under all this rubble.... Assuming I'm not already in Syria, Russia, France, or a nice comfortable seniors only condo in Florida.

That ninny Abu Abbas has gone and gotten himself arrested. And if I'm not in enough hot water already, now I'm being accused of harboring him!!

Not true!!!! He was only here visiting relatives, then got stuck when Saddam Airlines canceled its flights because of flaming wreckage littering the runways. Wreckage that was not MY fault, I might add.

But the real kicker in my latest tale of woe is that Abu has actually been living in the United States under a slightly different spelling of his name. He's been there almost 15 years now, running a convenience store in some city known only as "Springfield."

I get blamed for everything, and quite frankly, it's getting old. Next someone will accuse me of contributing to air pollution just because I blew up a few oil wells.

On the other hand, Russ, how'd you like to be one of UDAY'S doubles right about now?

HA, HA, HA!!!!!!

(Thanks to Dan & April)

There is nothing more pathetic than when the Americans try to be funny at my expense. Do they not understand what will happen to them when I take over? For example, we have this little gem from Russ: Apparently there is a joke going round about you, and I'm sure you will appreciate it's violent nature: The Iraqi Information Minister walks into a room full of Saddam Hussein's doubles. He tells them "It's good news! Our glorious leader has survived the bombings! However, he has been blinded and has lost an arm."

Now, yes, I can see the violent part of the humor, BUT it seems to be directed at me! Plus, it is saying that I am missing parts of my body. That would suggest that I am inferior to the rest of humanity, which presumably has all their limbs.

Never mind the body doubles in this case. The only obvious solution in this circumstance would be to chop off an arm from everyone else. And wait till they find out WHY they're having an arm chopped off!! Oh, Russ, Russ, Russ.... People are going to be very VERY pissed at you. If I were me, I'd immediately flee to a small villa south of Damascus.

Um, I mean CANADA. Flee to CANADA! YOU, I mean....

Punkervixen asked about the POW's.... Well, of course they're okay. I mean, it's not like I'd want to get in trouble with the United States!

Several loyalists, including teresashobbies and bjprice, have inquired about the whereabouts of my Information Minister. Truth is, I often wondered about his loyalty to me. I mean let's face facts: He was the only man in all of Iraq who did not have a mustache! With someone like that, you have to wonder whether he prefers boy camels or girl camels, if you catch my drift. But in the end, he proved his love for me....

Um, I mean he proved his, um, loyalty to me. Yeah, that's the ticket: Loyalty. Just pure, good old-fashioned, totally platonic, loyalty. Turns out he even has his own fan club and website now!

Anyway, last I heard, he had capitalized on his fine reputation for fact checking and gotten a highly respected position in the field of journalism. Yes, he's now working for the Weekly World News.

The United States doesn't still have bombs left, do they?

Hmm.... It would appear that not everyone appreciates Hollywood as much as I do....

Another infidel, Evvybuns, writes: With all of the money you and Qusay and Uday looted, couldn't you three have hired an interior designer for your palaces and love shacks? I mean, the 60s are SO over! And the French Regency look was tacky even over 30 years ago! I find that I must avert my eyes when I see the pictures. Please make a note to yourself: No more shag carpet! By the way, I love your blog.

Thank you for the question, Ms. Buns. First of all, let me say that I and my family like anything that is French, regardless of the time period. After all we know who our friends are. And what is wrong with shag carpet? It is much more comfortable for making whoopee on than linoleum, which I have tried. Makes my butt squeak.

Finally, it is good that you avert your eyes in my presence. That is a proper precaution to take until I summon you to my chambers to, um, "inspect my floor coverings." And watch your step in there--I dropped Uday's eye somewhere.

But then, how can you love my blog if you are indeed averting your eyes? I sense a contradiction here.

Punkervixen asked about the POW's.... Well, of course they're okay. I mean, it's not like I'd want to get in trouble with the United States!

What do you think I am? Stupid?

A number of people have commented on the number of statues of me throughout Iraq. So what? I am beloved my people, and they proclaim their affection for me, their fearless leader who is currently in hiding, by erecting statues. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, Iraq is the world's number one producer of Saddam Hussein statues!!! Now that's saying something. In fact, the reason people were toppling them left and right was to protect them from the infidel invaders! And since the statues are too big for any one individual to cart off for safekeeping, they were forced to break them up into smaller, easier to handle, pieces. And once I reassume power, my people will bring the pieces back out of hiding and reassemble the statues. Hopefully, they thought to number pieces as to what goes where. Otherwise, I may to gas an entire city for putting my crotch where my nose normally would go.

Besides, I know for a fact that MANY other countries have statues as well. What confuses me, though, is that they are statues of DEAD men. What is the point of that? I mean, they 're dead, for crying out loud. It's not like they're going to walk up to it, say that the nose is crooked, and then shoot the sculptor.

Not that I've ever done that.....

General and Chief Satanic Hellhound Tommy Franks said in an interview that they already have a sample of my DNA. Guess that means they found my poster of Anna Kournikova with the funny stain on the front.

Damn marines have found the Saddam Love Shack. And they got their dirty hands on that topless painting I had done of Bea Arthur back in the '60's. She's gonna kill me for letting that thing get out.

I'm just glad I had the foresight to pack my Swedish Vacuum Pump Enlarger.

The looting and rioting is continuing unabated in Baghdad. You'd think we just won the NBA championship or something.....

Let's see what we have in today's mailbag....

Pfeliciano writes: hey saddam where are you these days you forget to feed your dog and they are starving and your electric bill is way past overdue and your power is about to be shut off if you dont pay it....

Your question raises some important points, and it highlights the misplaced priorities of the evil Bush administration. Here he is, fighting an unjustified war in some far off land, while his own subjects struggle and starve through a serious shortage of punctuation marks! How can he justify this neglect of the grammatical needs of America? Perhaps the United Nations can begin airlifting commas, periods, and apostophies to the US before its people begin looting first grade classrooms.

And maybe throw in a capital letter or two....

As for my dog, I resent your implication that I am somehow neglecting him. I most certainly did NOT forget to feed him!!!

I ate him.

I see the invaders are having a bit of problem controlling looters.

I would be more than happy to loan them some of my non-existent poison gas in return for some sort of amnesty deal! Whaddya say we just forget the last few weeks ever happened?

Yasser Arafat just emailed me. If you've never met him, he's a great guy. Very funny. Knows some really great Jewish jokes. But the last few years have not been kind to Arie. And he's getting invited to a lot fewer parties since he developed that unfortunate bladder control problem.

Plus, arthritis has greatly slowed him down as well. He's in desperate need of hip replacement surgery, but the PLO HMO is refusing to cover it.

And he used to make a mean time bomb, but the way his eysight is now, forget it. The last thing you want to do is mix up the green and red wires on those things.

Anyway, he was worried about me and wanted to know if I had gotten out of Baghdad okay.

I assured him I was fine. I had put on a dress (not something I normally do in public) and fled with a bunch of other refugees. And with this mustache, I blended right in with all the other Iraqi women.

So I told him that so far, at least, I was safe. Going to the ladies room, however, does tend to arouse some suspicion.

Well.... That certainly explains why there are so few female suicide bombers....

Hey, Saddam. Don't forget to keep ducking, okay? Anyway, thanks for the inquiry. Always glad to field questions about theology and the slaughter of innocent civilians, my two favorite subjects. The answer can be summed up in two words: Rosie O'Donnell.

Several of my loyal followers have raised an interesting question: If male suicide bombers get 72 virgins when they martyr themselves, what do the female suicide bombers get?

I must confess that I don't know the answer to that. Theology is not one of my strongpoints. However, if you need advice on torture and the best places to attach live electrical wiring to a human body, feel free to give me a hollar.

Quite frankly, about the only time you'll catch me in a mosque is for funerals or weddings. Beyond that, forget it. I mean, yeah, I'll invoke Allah's name every now & then when it suits my needs. And yes, I'll refer to the occasional invading horde as as "evil bloodsucking baby stealing infidels," but that's more for show. That kind of bluster always looks good on Al-Jazeera, and it gets the illiterate masses nice and riled up. Makes them adore me and want to pinch my cheeks, and then go strap on vests loaded with dynamite. Learned that trick from my buddy, Osama.

Now he's a person who is VERY much into the Allah thing. In fact, I find people like that downright annoying at times. It's always Allah this and Allah that. Osama can be worse than the damn Jehova's Witnesses with his constant preaching. In fact, you know who the most self-righteous and arrogant people in the world are? Born again Muslims and reformed smokers. They immediately assume they're better than you. And Osama fits the bill on both of those.

Oh, you didn't know the world's most beloved terrorist used to smoke?!? Oh, yeah. Like a chimney. Especially after sex. I'd walk into the barn and there he'd be, standing over an exhausted goat, puffing away.

What brand did he smoke? Why, Camels, of course!

HA, HA, HA!!!!

Anyway, I have referred your questions about the female suicide bombers to him.

The fool infidels at blogger.com (aka blogspot.com) continue to vex me. They can not or will not fix their systems. They have had longstanding problems with the formatting of their archives, problems that they are taking their time to fix. I even paid them money (US dollars, no less) to upgrade the site because I believed in their promise that the additional money would fix the problem. Those promises turned out to be empty falsehoods.The only solution, which is an unsatisfactory one, is to reset my blog's timezone to PST.

Well, that's stupid. I'm not in the blasted PST; I am in Baghdad.... Um, I mean, I'm somewhere within a 200 mile radius of Baghdad where evil bloodsucking villianous invaders can not find me. And let us face the unpleasant truth together: If I, a world renown mass-murdering bloodthirsty homicidal maniac of a despot can not get satisfaction from these people, what chance do YOU, a meaningless speck in this vast universe of ours, have? None, I dare say.

On the other hand, my hero Micheal Moore is in the PST, so perhaps this isn't all bad after all.

Nonetheless, I have reset my site to fix this unholy satanic problem. Hopefully this half-a*s solution is only a temporary one.

If you, dear reader, want to start a blog of your own, I suggest you find someone OTHER than blogger.com to host it. They have no scruples about lying to you, ignoring your inquiries, and deceiving you, hiding their weapons of mass confusion, and ramming hot iron rods up your orifices.

Hmmm.... Now that I think about it, we have a lot in common.

Can't say that I like the design of the new Iraqi currency.

I'm just a little distressed by what they did with my statue yesterday. Especially when they broke my head off. That was downright humiliating. It's not fun being "it" in nogginball.

With Uday dead and Qusoy missing. I am in need of new sons. And since my loins don't function as well as they used to, it would be best if I adopted. Ideally, it should be someone who shares many of my own personal values and can be further molded into a person who would be worthy of carrying on the good name of Saddam Hussein. I believe I have found such a person, a teenager named J. Ryan Trimble.

I was deeply moved by his woeful tale of persecution, and have already contacted an adoption agency. With him at my side, we shall retake Iraq and conquer the United States.

I just hope he's not into that video game crap. There's too much work to do reconstructing our mighty armies.

Hmmm.... Apparently the Mother of All Battles has run off with the mailman.

Now my own UN envoy has betrayed me?!? This truly perplexes and befuddles me. Mohammed and I went to the University of Iraq at Mosul back in the '60's. Had a lot of classes together. And while we both majored in mass murder, he had a minor in internatioanal relations whereas mine was in shoving hot iron rods up orifices as an interrogation tool. Graduated first in my class!!

Our sophomore year we both joined the same fraternity, Kamel Dung Pi. Boy, did we know how to PAR-TAY on weekends!!!!!!!!!

And now he says he has "no relationship with Saddam!!!!" That really and truly hurts....

Well, okay, maybe not quite as much as a hot iron rod up a major orifice, but it still hurts.

Okay, I will admit to having suffered some... "minor" setbacks during the last several hours. But this is merely a temporary situation while I and my forces, who I am sure are still out there somewhere, regroup. For the time being I am staying here, where I am safe for the moment. Please forgive me I fail to share my actual location with you, my friends and fellow members of the Micheal Moore fan club. Incidentally, I found his website, but does anyone have an email address for Mikey? I want to see if he has a room I can rent for a couple of months. It would be purely temporary, you understand.

Then we'll drive the invading hordes from our borders. And you can be damn sure I'm charging 'em for those statues they destroyed. And I'm not talking about some kind of depreciation value nonsense here. They're paying full replacement cost.

Then we'll invade the US and free the American people so that I may enslave them.

And when we get there, I've got dibs on Britney Spears....

Now there's a rumor that I'm in the Russian embassy. Without admitting anything, I'll just say that my good friends at the French embassy turned out to be a bunch of wimps. Who'd have ever thought that of the French? Anyway, their door was locked and no one was answering my frantic knocking.

Could've sworn I heard people in there shushing one another, though.

A deweyever writes:

I understand that they are doing marvelous things with DNA identification techniques. Do you plan to yield a small portion of tissue, blood or hair to U.S. forensics experts so as to prove that you were not, in fact, killed in that bombed Baghdad restaurant/bunker. As far as dear Uday is concerned, will you be parting with any of his parts for detailed tests?

Legitimate questions, Mr Deweyever, or whatever your fruity email user name is. If they so desire, I would be happy to send the US military one of my back issues of Maxim. Once they unstick the pages from one another, they'll find plenty of my DNA there. Have fun with it, guys. HA,HA, HA!!!!!!!

At this point, Uday no longer has any parts to spare. But if you check along the side of the road between Baghdad and Tikrit, you should be able to find some.

And what was the deal with trying to kill me in a restaurant? I'm a brutal dictator, for crying out loud, not some two-bit Mafia godfather!!!

HEY!!!!! What happened to all my statues!?!?!?

Speaking of statues, one of my first tasks after I invade America and replace the current regime will be to tear down that boring Washington Monument. I will instead replace it with a 555 foot statue of ... ME! What did you think I was going to say, you silly infidel? Donald Duck?

Tourists will be able to take an elevator all the way up to my neck. From there, they eill be able to climb a staircase leading to my head. My eyeballs and ears will contain windows from which people will be able to look out over downtown Saddam, DC. But perhaps the most spectacular view of all will be that of the Capitol, with my smiling mug painted upon its dome.

I am safely in Tikrit now, along with most of Uday. It was a bumpy ride, and some of his parts fell off the camel, but that's life.... Or in HIS case, that's death....

I am disturbed by news coming out of Baghdad. Apparently those unholy invaders are yanking down my statues. Meanwhile, mobs of my loyal beloved citizens are swarming the streets, screaming and crying, trying to stop the destruction.

I am moved to tears.

Where is my Minister of Information? He needs to go on Al-Jazeera and assure the Arab world that there are no American troops in Baghdad.

I like President Bush's approach to this war. For the past year it's been "We have to get Saddam" and we're going to get Saddam." But when he can't actually catch me, it suddenly becomes "Saddam's no longer relevant." Huh? He just wasted four 2000 pound bunker busting bombs on someone who's NOT relevant? Yeah, right.

This is a complicated dance the two of us are sharing: He's being coy, and I'm playing hard to get.

We'll see if I'm still "not relevant" when I move into the White House and begin remodelling the Oval Office. Perhaps I'll keep the current occupant on as my butler.

Angela, probably an infidel, writes:

Dear Saddam:

Larry King on CNN just told me that you and your 2 boys are dead. Is this true? If so, did you get your virgins? Will you still be able to blog from hell? Is Kim Jong il going to make you give back the Blackberry?

All good questions, Angela. Since things seem to be quiet at the moment, I shall lower myself to your level and answer them.

First, don't believe everything Larry King tells you. In fact, don't believe ANYTHING anyone wearing suspenders ever tells you. There is something wrong with people like that. Especially if they also wear a belt. That just ain't right. Though they pretend to be meek and mild-mannered, they are actually perverts.

Now, as to my sons.... I haven't seen Qusai in few days, but Uday is fine. I have most of his parts in a wheelbarrow that I push around at all times.

I shall keep blogging until someone proves to me that I have been dead for the last three weeks. Then I will have my loyal Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, come up with some outlandish explanation as to how I have managed to keep blogging from the afterlife. Al-Jazeera will immediately report this, and of course the entire Arab world will immediately believe it. Meanwhile, you and that suspender wearing pervert on CNN will just roll your eyes in disbelief.

Kim Jong Il can have his stupid Blackberry back if he wants. I'm about ready to shoot the damn thing. It doesn't want to post properly, though I may it try one more time.

As to the 72 virgins, no, not yet. I'm not dead. And while I know Osama is big on them, I fail to see the appeal. They're virgins, so of course you have to explain what goes where, and what to do, and so forth. Plus, if they're foreign virgins, I would have teach them how to say "YOU'RE MY DADDY" in Arabic in order to answer my oft repeated question.

Then I would have to repeat the whole process another 71 times.

And then what happens after I've used up my virgins? I mean, okay, I've accounted for my first eight minutes in paradise, but what about the rest of eternity?

Forever is a very long time to be stuck with a goat.

What most amazes me (besides my Information Minister's outrageous claims, I mean) is that with all that is going on, there are still cars driving around on our streets! Where in Allah's name are they all going? Everything still standing is closed! Maybe they're suicide bombers. And with the columns of thick, black, oily smoke billowing into our skies, obscuring the noonday sun, and plunging the city into perpetual darkness, many of these idiots don't even bother turning on their headlights!

Please people, if you're going to aim your 1975 Datsun B210 at a fully armed M1 Abrams tank in a final bid for eternal glory, turn on your lights for safety's sake!!!

My enemies continue to revel in the fact they changed the name of Saddam International Airport to Baghdad International Airport. Fine, laugh it up while you can, soldier boys. We'll see who's laughing after I invade the United States, introduce the American populace to the simple joys of autocracy, name Micheal Moore interim Provincial Governor, and change the name of Houston's George Bush Intercontinental Airport to Supreme Saddam, Crusher of the Fat, High Cholesterol Suffering, Lazy Infidel Intercontinental Airport.

We'll need bigger signs, of course.

Look, for anyone concerned that I may have been killed in another of those "target of opportunity" airstrikes, let me assure you I haven't. At least I don't THINK I have been.

Then again, perhaps I am dead, and I just haven't accepted the reality of my situation yet. And if that's the case, then you, dear reader, have some sort of "Sixth Sense" thing going where you can see dead people blogging.

Word is that invading troops have occupied one of my palaces and are making themselves very much at home. Well, that's QUITE rude, if you ask me. Then again, I'm not in much of a position to do a whole hell of a lot about it.

I just hope they remember to leave the toilet seat down when they leave. My wives are kinda funny about that....

A number of people in recent days have asked me, "Saddam, how do you keep going in the face of certain defeat and probable death, all the while maintaining the absolutely prepostorous delusion that you're going to win this thing?"

Being a nice guy, I let them in on my secret: Lots of Prozac, mixed with a special cocktail of LSD and amphetamines, washed down by lots of alcohol.

Then I shoot them for being insolent.

The Zionist controlled media of the west was having a ball with that shot of a British tank yanking a statue of me off its pedestal. Well, the joke's on them: That wasn't a statue of ME; it was actually a DECOY statue of one of my body doubles! HA, HA, HA!!!!

Bet those coalition stooges feel pretty foolish now!

Hmmm.... That is odd.... I keep trying to IM my cousin, Chemical Ali, but there is no response. He lives in Basra. I know he is supposed to be home, and he is usually online this time of night researching new recipes. Why he does not answer?

Did you see me working that crowd the other day? I'll let you in on a little secret: That wasn't me. That was Moustaffah Achmed, one of my SUPPOSED doubles. He's probably my least favorite one. My gut is NOT nearly that big, okay? I mean, granted, my Suzanne Summers Thigh Master was destroyed in a bombing raid last week, and I haven't been able to work out as much as I used to, but I haven't let myself go THAT much!!!

Besides, for the last two weeks I've been living of off bugs I find crawling around on the floor of my bunker.

They're extra lowfat.

I have begun offering the equivalent of $5,000 to any Iraqi man, woman, child, or family goat, who destroys a coalition tank or armored personnel carrier. This is a win-win deal for me. First of all, it will be one less piece of enemy hardware tearing up the well maintained streets of Baghdad. Or at least they WERE well maintained, until all the damn bomb craters started showing up. The bad ones can really screw up the front end alignment of your camel, you know.

More importantly, chances are that the attacker won't live long enough to collect the reward, so I won't have to actually pay out any money.

Coalition personnel are not eligible for this incentive program. With all the damn friendly fire incidents they've been having, I'd go broke in no time flat....

Well, this is pretty cool. My good buddy Kim Jong il

sent me this handy little Blackberry device he

"permanently borrowed" from a kidnapped South Korean

businessman. I don't like the way it formats on the

blog, but I can always go online between assassination

attempts and edit the entries. Oh, and I told Kim to

take some penicillin for that Syphillis of his.



=====



Posted via my Blackberry

Some of our citizens are wondering why, if the unlawful coalition of trespassers is mired in its own pool of bodily fluids because of overwhelming fear back at the Kuwaiti border, there have been American tanks driving around downtown Baghdad. That is a very good question, and it challenges the Iraqi government to come up with a good answer. That is why I shot everyone who asked it.

After about four or five clips, it occurred to me that maybe we should start conserving our ammo. After all, the Syrians are going to have a hard time getting supplies through to us if we're surrounded by an ocean of Abrams tanks (Note to Iraqi citizens reading this: Notice I said IF we're surrounded by Abrams tanks, which we are not, because we expelled the invaders from the airport and sent them fleeing back to Kuwait). (Comprende? Or am I going to have to shoot your sorry, questioning butt, too?)

So then I came up with the story that those are actually OUR tanks, cleverly painted to look like American tanks, in order to confuse the bile spewing enemy.

Pretty good, eh?

Uday's arm just fell off.

Oh, jeez. EVERYONE has to have a blog these days, don't they? Even the Great Satan himself is getting in on the action!

Oopsies....

The unlawful invaders have found a major stash of dead bodies in southern Iraq. This really irritates me. Those were supposed to have been buried YEARS ago! This is the type of thing that makes a regime look bad. I mean, you give a simple order to execute 500 shackled prisoners, then bury the bodies with a bulldozer. Nothing complicated about that! So they carry out the execution part, but then what does some idiot do? Leaves 'em stacked in an abandoned warehouse.

You just can't get good help these days.

There are fewer bombs falling tonight. This would seem to vindicate my brilliant strategy: If I simply waited long enough, the dirt dwelling invaders were bound to run out of bombs!

Oh, I almost forgot. I promised the slime slithering hordes from the swamps of hell a BIG surprise tonight!!! I would tell you and all my other loyal allies in Hollywood what it is, but I better not. You never know who else might be reading.

So they've captured the airport. Big deal. I hate that place. The damn economy parking lots are almost all the way over in Egypt... Literally!!! Then you have to catch one of those open air cargo trucks packed with refugees and all their personal belongings just to get to the terminal building. Whoever designed that place should be shot. Or did I already do that?

And don't EVEN get me started on the airport cops! They are all a bunch of pricks. I remember one time I left my tank parked unattended in the white zone, and they towed it!! I wasn't inside even a minute!!

I tried explaining to the officer that I had just dropped off my cousin, Chemical Ali, who was catching a flight to North Korea on an important sales trip. But he accidentally left his nerve gas samples in the trunk, and I needed to catch up to him before he got on the plane. Sounded perfectly reasonable to me!

But the cop didn't want to hear it. Instead he handed me a ticket for 75,000,000 dinars and then had the audacity to tell me to have a nice day!!!

So then I had to catch a cab over to where my tank was. And of course, they've got 150 tanks there, all of which look the same in the dark. But we finally find mine, and now the tow truck driver tells me he wants 800,000,000,000.95 dinars for storage costs! What storage costs?!?!? He's had my tank for 15 minutes, and he wants storage costs?! So naturally I demand to speak to the manager, but they tell me he's not there. He's a political prisoner and is busy being tortured somewhere.

Anyway, I eventually got my tank back without having to pay any money, but I had to shoot 20 or 30 people to do it.

What a day that was!

Oh, crap.

One of my top generals has been killed trying to run a roadblock. In and of itself that doesn't bother me. What does have me concerned is that he had a phone book with my private, unlisted number in the car!! I guard that information very jealously. But now that those belly slithering invaders have it, I'll probably end up being harassed by calls from MCI asking me to switch my long distance service. I don't know which is worse: Getting bombarded by telemarketers, or by 2,000 pound JDAM's!

Then again, if someone calls with great prices on vinyl siding, a number of my palaces are suddenly in need of some VERY serious renovation work.....

Did you see my speech? Did you like the way I casually threw in that sly reference to the recently downed helicopter? Bet that really got their tongues wagging over at the Central Infidel Agency!

Unless it involves the splitting of atoms to create giant fireballs of death and destruction, I do not normally find myself interested in science. However, this particular site definitely arouses my curiousity while stirring certain awakenings in my loins.

Once this current little tiff with the Great Satan is resolved, and I finish installing a provisional government in the United States, I shall turn my attention to the study of semiconductor physics. It looks like an exciting field and a great way to meet chicks.

I still don't understand why President Bush keeps wanting to take me out. Are he and Laura having marital problems? Is he lonely? What?

The people of Baghdad are once again on the verge of panic. As their fearless leader, it is my duty to calm them, make them feel safe, and if necessary, to shoot the whole sorry lot of them. Consequently, I have asked my information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, to once again go on TV and reassure our citizens that all is well, and that the invading hordes spawned by Satan's own demon seed remain immobilized by fear at the Kuwaiti border. I would address them myself, but I do not wish to leave the side of my son. He may need something. Dead people can be so demanding.

Later, Mohammed and I will address the separate issue of my lengthy sentences and overuse of commas.

I am not sure, however, how many people actually saw his address. The power has gone out all across Baghdad, no doubt because of an unlucky squirrel crawling into a power transformer somewhere. Oh, you didn't think we had squirrels here?

Well, we do. These are desert squirrels, much larger than the puny infidel squirrels of the west. Our squirrels often grow to five feet in length and can easily weigh as much as a Honda Civic. The base model, I mean, without air conditioning and power windows. They have been known to chase down slow or infirm camels and eat them.

That is why we middle eastern males guard our nuts so closely.

I have just received word that the invaders raided one of my palaces just outside Baghdad. Did they think I'd just be sitting around in my underwear watching soaps or something? They're not going to find me THAT easily.

I just hope they didn't discover that stash of, um, "educational" magazines I keep under my mattress....

Now Jesse Jackson is talking about coming to Baghdad to look for some missing journalists, as well as any POW's we may have.

I will gladly meet with Reverend Jackson. Then I'll handcuff us together and use him as a human shield.

Then again, that may not be a good idea. It may only encourage Mr. Bush to increase the bombing even further.

I have been looking over the statistics of civilians killed and injured so far in the conflict, and quite frankly, the numbers make me weep with sorrow! They are not nearly high enough!

That is why I have ordered my Secret Police to put on those old US military uniforms we bought on eBay. Then they are to go out and begin shooting people at random. Maybe blow up a hospital or two in the process. A flattened daycare center or nursing home would look good on Al-Jazeera as well.

And I think we should dip into petty cash and hire an old woman to stand by the rubble, hold her head between her hands, and wail hysterically.

I'll put Uday on it. He needs something to do. Uday! ..... UDAY!!! ..... Uday?

Speaking of the American Minister of Defense, he has stated that nothing short of unconditional surrender is acceptable. I wholeheartedly agree. So anytime Rummy is ready to admit defeat and come to Baghdad with his white flag, I shall be available to meet with him in person. That should end his mindless blathering about whether I'm dead or alive or comatose or seriously injured or vacationing in the south of France, which incidentally, is a country that appreciates my worth as a human being.

And tell him to bring that Pentagon Spokesperson of his along. What's her name again? Right, Victoria Clarke. I shall let her personally inspect my throbbing long range massive missile of love.

It's been banned by the UN, you know.

Disturbing news about this rescued POW.... Aren't such rescues banned by international law? I mean, we captured her fair and square! Where's my copy of the Geneva Conventions? Oh, right, I tore it up years ago.

This never would have happened if the invaders hadn't banished Geraldo. If he were still around, I would have learned of the rescue operation before hand merely by watching Fox News and taken the appropriate precautions.

The fact that this particular operation succeeded tells me that it was planned by military officers who know what they are doing, as opposed to that civilian ninny, Donald Rumsfeld.

Oh, and Uday is still dead.

Suckers.....

Remember how I've been saying all day that I'm giving up? Well, guess what: APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!! HA, HA, HA!!! You people are SO gullible.

Hey, maybe you can get jobs as UN weapons inspectors!

WHOA!! Turns out Uday is alive after all!! We're going out to pillage women and rape livestock!!

I have made arrangements to go into exile in Saudi Arabia. Uday and I will be renting a room in Idi Amin's villa. This is not necessarily something I'm looking forward to. Amin is well known for his all night parties, complete with loud music, dancing girls, strippers, gambling, and human sacrifices.

Even so, it is likely to much quieter than Baghdad has been lately.

Okay, that's it, I give up. I'm leaving Baghdad and going into exile.

There. I said it. Is everyone happy now?