British Prime Minister and loyal American lap dog Tony Blair was in Washington yesterday to address the Congress. He says he is standing by his assertions that I had tons of biological weapons, scores of nuclear bombs, and an orbiting death ray designed to incinerate entire cities from outer space.

Well, of course he continues to stand by his accusations!! What was he supposed to say? "Sorry, guys, but our inteligence was completely wrong. Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction, and is actually a really nice guy who loves the outdoors, children, animals, and quiet walks on the beach. Guess we really f*cked up this time, eh? Oh, well. At least no one got hurt or anything."

Oh, and I was just kidding about the whole orbiting death ray thing. Really. I swear.

You can trust me.

I found the perfect vacation spot for me. All I need to do now is come up with five thousand dinars....

Today was the 35th anniversery of the coup that brought my Baath party into power. People sometimes ask me what Iraq was like before that happened. "Yo, Saddam," they'll say, "What was Iraq like before that happened?"

Well, it wasn't pretty. Personal hygiene was virtually non-existent since there were no Baaths. But when we took over, we instituted a series of reforms requiring people to take a Baath every two weeks whether they needed to or not. Needless to say, that made a huge difference in our air quality. Well, that, AND the introduction of the catalytic converter.

Anyway, my henchmen--the ones still alive, at any rate--decided to throw me a surprise party. And boy, was it a SURPRISE!! In fact, I was so surprised that I thought it was a coalition raid of some sort!!! I shot four people and beheaded two others before I realized what was going on. Then the survivors and I had a big laugh!

I ended up getting some really great gifts: Several boxes of chocolates, some very pretty flowers, a bottle of wine (French, of course), a blender, three bazookas, and a rocket propelled grenade launcher.

It was all very sweet.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

As you probably heard, Pamplona, Spain, just concluded it's annual Running of the Bulls.

HA!! Running from bulls is for pussies. You should try Tikrit's annual Running of the Scorpions. Now that's a sport for real men!

--------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Well, this is certainly interesting. The American administrator of my past and future country says that it's "up to the Iraqi people" as to when the Coalition of Evil Intruders leaves....

Well, okay then. Can't you guys take a hint?

Here's something else that really boils the sand in my shorts: On several occasions now, Bush has bragged about how America has "recovered hundreds of millions of dollars looted from Iraq." Then he goes on to say that the money can be use to rebuild Iraq!

Huh? If he hadn't come in here in the first place and bombed the unholy crap out of us in the first place, there wouldn't be any need to rebuild Iraq in the first place, now would there?!

And what "looted" money? There was no looted money! I had it all the time!! It's my country, right? Well, then isn't it also MY money!? Therefor it isn't stealing!! Now if I went across the border to Turkey and robbed a bank in Istanbul, then THAT would be stealing. But for me to use Iraqi money, earned by Iraqis, is most definitely NOT stealing.

It's merely the creative shifting of funds from one account to another. Big American companies like Enron and Worldcom do that all the time. Why isn't Bush invading them?

Oh, right. They're campaign contributors.

A-HA!! I have discovered proof that the United States of Evil is out to conquer the entire world!

A Day in the Life of a Desperate Despot

Some of you are no doubt wondering how a world renown despot spends a typical day on the run. As any good manager/brutal dictator will tell you, the key to success is organizational skills. And public executions don't hurt either, but that's besides the point.

Being that I'm in a good mood, I have decided to share with you an account of my day.



05:00 AM-----Alarm clock goes off. I empty entire clip into it.

05:30 ---------Second alarm clock goes off. I shoot it. Twice. With a rocket propelled grenade launcher.

06:00---------I get up.

06:01-06:25--Take a piss.

06:26---------Elude capture.

06:27-07:00--Trim mustache.

07:01---------Consider taking shower. Remember I took one just last week. Pass on shower.

07:02-----------Elude capture.

07:03-07:45--The breakfast of despots: Grits, chitlins, and scrambled babies.

07:46-08:33--Meet with surviving top aids to coordinate the day's harassing attacks against the illegal infidel interlopers.

08:34----------Elude capture.

08:35-08:36--Work up a sweat in the gym so that I can maintain this svelte physique that the chicks really dig.

08:37-09:09--Polish Uday's eyeball.

09:10----------Try to shoot aid for asking why I keep that gross eyeball on my desk but gun is empty. Ask aid to get me more bullets so I can execute his sorry ass.

09:11-09:28--Finish polishing eyeball.

09:29----------Elude capture.

09:30----------Decide to check today's email.

09:31-10:47--Delete today's spam.

10:48-10:50--Answer remaining email. Forward great joke about farmer's daughter, travelling Christian missionary, and confused camel to Yasser Arafat.

10:51-11:23--Trim mustache.

11:24-11:59--Take a piss.

Noon-----------Elude capture.

12:01 PM------Remember to put Little Saddam away & close barn door.

12:02-12:40--Meet with Sid Goldstein, my agent, to go over terms of new recording contract with Al-Jazeera. Sid recommends holding out for more money.

12:41----------Realize that if nothing else, Jews make great agents.

12:42-01:17--Working lunch with French government officials. Um, I mean French TOURISTS.... OFFICIAL French tourists.... Official French Tourists from France. Yeah, that's what I meant.

01:18-----------Lunch briefly interrupted when Randall Simon runs into room and inexplicably starts to beat my sausage with a baseball bat. Try to shoot him; gun still empty. Damn.

01:19-01:57--Finish what's let of lunch.

01:58-----------Elude capture.

01:59-----------Elude capture. Make funny faces at pursuers.

02:00-02:47--Take a piss.

02:48----------Call my doctor to get prostate checked.

02:49-03:28--Take inventory of remaining supplies of rocket propelled grenades. Fax order for new supply to Jacques Chirac.

03:29----------Elude capture. I taunt my pursuers.

03:30----------Realize that aid from this morning never came back with more bullets. Note to self: Shoot him twice.

03:31-04:01--Trim mustache.

04:02----------Urologist calls back to cancel appointment. His office has been looted of rubber gloves.

04:03----------Snotnosed kid from mailroom shows up with package from NetFlix.com. Suspect kid may be a CIA spy, so I decide to shoot him.

04:04----------Damn. Still out of bullets.

04:05----------Open package. The movie is Bound. Osama recommended it. Said it's perfect example of the decadence that pervades the west. Said he watches it at least once a week, especially chapters 7 & 9.

04:06----------Elude capture. Drop pants and moon pursuers.

04:07-04:57--Conduct cabinet meeting. Am only one in room. Could be bad sign. Not sure.

04:58----------Bored, I elude capture.

04:59-05:23--Have sex.

05:24----------Farmer shows up. Wants goat back.

05:25----------Receive IM from that crazy Korean, Kim Il Whathisface. Not sure what it says. Can't read Korean.

05:26-05:50--Trim mustache.

05:51-06:27--Take a piss.

06:28-06:59--Go out to Kentucky Fried Camel. Can't fit tank through stupid drive-thru so have to go inside. Order bucket of camel wings.

07:00-07:53--Eat wings. Begin watching Bound.

07:54---------Pause movie. Elude capture. Resume movie.

09:01---------Finish watching movie.

09:02-10:00--Watch chapters 7 & 9 over & over till my wrist hurts.

10-00-10:45--Update blog before turning in.

Epilogue:

10:46-11:14--Trim mustache.

11:15---------Elude capture.

11:16---------Go to bed. Fall asleep to Dixie Chicks CD.

If any of you live in the heart of The Beast (that would be Washington, DC), I suggest you be careful not to get poked in the eye. Apparently a major sandstorm is brewing over Bush's accusation that I tried to buy uranium from Niger, and there is an awful lot of finger pointing going on about who knew what when.

And the reason that there is no evidence I never did that is that I NEVER did!!! Really!!! Trust me on that!!! I have NEVER EVER tried to buy uranium from Niger. Nope. That entire allegation was absurd from the get go!!! I'm every bit as innocent of that as O.J.!

Now let's hope they don't start checking eBay's records.....

-----Mike Luckovich (A funny infidel), Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Now let me make sure I got this straight: In his State of the Union address last January, President George "The Great Satan" Bush declared that my peaceloving nation had attempted to buy uranium from Niger. He did this despite his own Central Infidel Agency saying that the information wasn't credible. Bush, however, made the statement because the British had uncovered the alleged evidence. But the British now say they couldn't verify the information, but they nonetheless believed it because the Americans did!!!

So who ends up losing their job over this collossal intelligence fiasco? ME!!!!!

Forget Bush and Blair. I feel like I'm matching wits wtih Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe.

What in the name of all that is good and muslim is THIS?!?! An article in USAToday says that the Bush administration is pushing to resume nuclear testing so that America can develop a new generation of nuclear weapons!!!! Now excuse me if I'm being a little dense here (think carefully before you agree with me), but wasn't the entire justification for invading my peace-loving utopian nation the prevention of ME building nuclear weapons?!?! Why should Bush be allowed to do something I can't? Or Iran or North Korea for that matter? Don't WE deserve nukes, too, or is that a right that's reserved for peace loving democracies?

Watch your step, people. The irony is getting awfully thick in US foreign policy. And this is REAL irony, not that bogus "I can only find a fork when I need a spoon" irony that Alanis Morissette sings about. That's not irony, babe; that's just poor organization of your cutlery drawer.

Have you heard about this guy, Joseph Wilson, who was sent to Africa to check out reports I had been trying to buy uranium? He wrote a report saying that he could find no evidence of such efforts by me.

HA!! See!?! See!?! I'm innocent!!! Not gulilty!!! Off the hook!!! Pure as the wind driven sand!!!

Any time Mr. Bush is willing to apologize, he knows where to find me.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry.... NO, HE DOESN'T!!!!

Someone please tell him I'd like the carpets in the Oval Office cleaned before I take over. Thanks bunches!!

No wonder there's been a rope shortage in Iraq lately.

I saw some footage of the fireworks that the Americans use to mark their independence. Quite frankly, it's very boring stuff.

You should see Baghdad during an air raid. Now that's some impressive fireworks!!

I see that my latest inspirational speech finally made it onto Al-Jazeera. I recorded that thing last week. And it's getting harder and harder to get studio time these days. All kinds of Arabic musician wannabes are taking advantage of their new freedoms and trying to release albums, so they're hoggin' the equipment. Have you ever heard Farsi rap music? It's not pretty. And then they pull up next to you at a traffic light with their 1500 watt stereo woofers so damn loud you can't hear a mortar shell go off 3 feet away!! What the hell is that about, anyway?!?! These damn kids today.....

But I digress....

Maybe after I retire, I'll hit the lecture circuit. A guy can make good money doing motivational speeches these days at places like board meetings, trade conventions, and bar mitzvahs. Well, okay, maybe I'll pass on the bar mitzvahs.

But the rest of it I should do pretty well with. And if all else fails, I'll pull out a gun and shoot a couple of people in the front row. That should get the REST of the crowd plenty motivated!

Uh-oh. Things are heating up in Liberia. Now President Bush has given Liberian President and former Washington Redskins wide receiver Charles Tayor 48 hours to leave that troubled country.

Yeah, that's a good idea. That deadline stuff worked out really well in my case.

Those of you who still have your long term memories more or less intact may recall that some time ago I complained about some problems the Blogger.com people were having with their archiving functions. In order for the archives to display correctly, I had to reset my time zone to PST even though I'm actually halfway around the planet from there. Now don't misunderstand me; I love the people of the PST. Some of my most loyal supporters in America live in the PST. That hotbed of anti-American sentiment, Hollywood, is in the PST!!! So I absolutely love the PST!! In fact, some day I plan on ruling it! But I'm getting ahead of myself.....

Anyway, they have finally corrected the problem and I have reset my time zone to reflect my true location.... Or maybe not. Who knows? Certainly not the Americans!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Consequently, I have released the Blogger programmers. Well, at least the ones that are still alive.

President Bush, responding to a question about militants in Iraq, yesterday said "Bring'em on!"

Well..... Okay.

The United States of Infidels Hellbent on Wiping Out Islam is offering a $25 million reward for my capture.

I'm insulted. I thought I'd be worth at least $50 million.

Did he just call me a "big fat nuthin'?" I should probably be insulted, but I'm too busy laughing at the Americans' latest effort at nation building.

Now where's that waitress? I need another Margarita over here.

I know I'm going to regret this almost as much as the time I told George Bush to go pound sand (And the idiot totally misinterpreted what I meant by "go pound sand"), but I have decided to add a comments field.

Now don't get the wrong idea: I really don't give a scorpion's ass what you think. But if I can at least make you think that I think that you think that I somehow value your meaningless opinions, then maybe it will take your minds off that stupid obsession you Americans have with freedom, democracy, and that apple pie crap.

Just what is an "apple pie," anyway?

You should try that Stouffer's Camel Hump pie. Now that's some good eatin'!

What, exactly, is a "chevrolet?" Bob Seger keeps saying it's like Iraq.

Something to remember:

You know what the difference is between Vietnam and Iraq?

Vietnam has more trees.

Turns out my Minister of Information was not actually arrested the other day. The American vermin from the bowels of hell did catch him, but all they did was ask him a few questions. Then they let him go!!

Now how insulting is that?!?! The poor slob is so worthless, he can't even get himself locked up!!! That has to be a serious blow to his ego.

Hmmm.... I wonder if I could get off that easy.....?

The New York Times reports that the United States of Evil Invasions State Department and the Central Infidel Agency are at odds over whether those trailers were used to manufacture bioweapons or as mobile ice cream sales platforms.

On the other hand, the story is in the Times, so who the hell knows if it's even true?

For what it's worth, I hate biological warfare, okay? Takes too long for people to get sick and croak. That's why I've always preferred chemical weapons. They're much faster. At least that's what our clinical trials on the Shiites showed. I mean IF we had had such clinical trials (which we didn't), that's what they would have shown. PROBABLY shown, I mean. Because I really wouldn't know. How would I? No way.

This is trully shocking news. My Minister of Information has been temporarily captured by the less than permanent occupiers of Iraq. And apparently that little wuss didn't even try to put up a fight!

In rereading my entry about Victoria Clarke from yesterday, I realized that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea about me. I am NOT some sort of cheater making false promises to women while spreading my demon seed around. Lying to the United Nations is one thing; lying to the ladies is quite another.... Unless I'm trying to get a piece of camel, if you know what I mean. Then her name may as well be Hans Blix.

Granted, I have gone out with the Dixie Chicks several times, and yes, we have engaged in the occasional orgy or seven, but who hasn't? It's not like the four of us are going steady or anything. We're just, you know, "friends...." Good friends.... Really, REALLY, good friends.

Fine, so I have a wife. But don't remind me, okay? I mean, have you ever seen a picture of her? Her mustache is bushier than mine! Sometimes she even braids it!!

And that's pretty typical of women around here. That's why Arab men invented the burqa. And while the wearing of burqas in public is optional in most middle eastern countries, they are absolutely required in bedrooms everywhere.

Besides, I subscribe to the Bill Clinton theory of marriage: It's only cheating if your wife is in the room.

Pentagon Spokesperson Victoria Clarke has announced she is resigning.

This is terrible news, and highly inconsiderate of her!! She really should have cleared her decision with me first.

Now I am left with a vacancy on the Nine of Diamonds in my deck of "America's Most Wanted," which will soon be offered for sale via an intense spam campaign. It's going to cost a fortune to change the order at this late date. On the other hand, I could just threaten to shoot the printers.....

Incidentally, my deck will have 87 cards in it. And you know what that means, right?

Uh-huh: Mine's bigger than theirs!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully Miss Clarke left a forwarding address. I was planning to ask her out.

I will say this for the Americans: They are certainly persistent. Now they're doing DNA tests on human remains from a convoy they bombed last week to see if one of the bodies is mine!

Many of you are no doubt concerned about me.... I am deeply touched by your love and devotion. Now hurry up, finish kissing my feet, and get the hell away from me.

I assure you I am fine. It's going to take more than a silly airstrike to get me!

I hear that there is rising unemployment in the United States and many people are blaming President Bush.

I must agree. After all, I'm out of work because of him as well.

We went to Saddam Mall--or as it's called now, Basra Shopping Towne Plaza--and picked up some essentials: Milk, bread, batteries, rocket propelled grenades, and a copy of Habib Potter and the Odor of the Infidels. I love those Habib Potter books. He's gotten himself out of some pretty tough situations, and for some reason, I tend to identify with that. Sometimes I wish I could just chant a few incantations and turn the invaders into ferrets.... Or Gambian giant rats....

Then again, it's a safe bet that Habib has never watched his beloved Hogwarts School be overrun by 200,000 unwelcome invaders.

Now I understand why Pat Buchanan is always bitching about the illegal aliens invading the US!

I know the United States has one of those election things coming up next year. So to get a better feel for what Americans are thinking, I have added a new poll. Please take it, for I truly care about what all of you thinking COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH GASP COUGH COUGH!!!!!!

Almost choked on my words. But don't worry; I'm okay now!



Here are the top results for the previous "What did Saddam do with his (alleged) weapons of mass destruction?" poll:

548 of you think they are on temporary loan to Syria.

180 of you idiots.... Um, loyal followers actually believe I destroyed them in compliance with United Nations resolutions.

166 of you think I hid them in my shorts. Good guess, but that's NOT the reason it's crowded down there.

And on the question of "Where's Saddam?":

241 of you think I'm still in the Mosul bus station.

149 of you think I'm living in a villa in France, and sharing hookers with Jacques Chirac.

74 of you believe I'm in Russia doing vodka shooters with President Vladimer Whathisname.



I'll leave the new poll up by itself through next week, at which point it will go into rotation with the previous two.

So please do vote. Really. I value your opinions almost as much as I value a big steamin' pile of camel crap.

Have a nice day.

Now there is talk that spam may soon spread to cell phones in the form of junk text messages.

Is nothing sacred?

Why should I have to pay more in airtime charges just to accomodate some idiot who thinks there is a problem with Little Saddam.... Which is just an expression, you understand.... There is NOTHING little about him! Nor does the little guy--I mean BIG guy--have any problems standing at attention for extended periods of time!

So what would I want with more Viagra? Um, not that I have any alleged Viagra in the first place. Nope. Not me. Uh-uh. You must have me confused with a different Saddam Hussein.

In fact, I have never EVER had ANY Viagra, nor have I ever made use of any other forms of Weapons of Massive Erections. And even if I did, which I don't, and never have, I would most certainly never EVER use them on the Shiites.

But if you do happen to hear of any good prices on the stuff, let me know. I'm just, you know, "curious."

People sometimes ask me, "Saddam, how do you propose to defeat your enemies? You are hopelessly outnumbered, and your top officials are being rounded up one by one. Are you mad? Off your medication? Insane with grief over the death of your son Uday, whose eyeball you continue to carry around in your pocket?"

Those are all very good points, indeed. And not to worry: It is all part of my master plan, as is today's arrest of Abid Hamid Mahmud, my personal secretary and most trusted aid. The best part is that the Americans now have over half the people included in their stupid deck of 55 cards.

"How is this good news, Saddam?" you ask. "Are you still coming? I have sold all my Celine Dionne CD's and bought the entire Dixie Chicks catalog in anticipation of your arrival."

Quite simple, actually. I'm infiltrating the enemy from within!! When enough of my people are captured, they shall take over the American hordes from within. Hell, the number of Iraqi prisoners in custody now is almost greater than the number of invading tresspassers! So my plan is obviously sound!

On cue, they will all ask to use the bathroom facilities simultaneously. Then, when the Americans are busy mopping up their bathrooms because everyone flushed at the same time, we'll make our move.

So that's what I tell the people that ask me about my plans. Then I pull out a gun and shoot them for having the unf*ckingbelievable audacity to doubt me in the first place!!

Any more questions?

Well, I've been found out. The infidel American President seems to have finally discovered the source of my Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Wait.... I MUST be getting old!!! What I MEANT to say was ALLEGED Weapons of Mass Destruction, which I no longer have, because I destroyed them so that I would be in compliance with United Nations resolutions, because I'm such a wonderful citizen of the of the international brotherhood of man, thereby making the world place a safer place to live!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be guest hosting Jay Leno's show next week.

The illegal occupiers have noticed stepped up guerilla activity against their forces, and they suspect that someone is organizing it.

Gee, I wonder who that could be...?

You'd think Uday would've sent me a Father's Day card after all I've done for him these last three months, but N-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O!!!!!!!!

Then again, he is dead, and all I have left is one of his eyeballs, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him.....

Saddam will be in meetings all day, so he has asked me to fill in for him. The Great One is busily plotting his comeback and eventual liberation of America. That sort of thing takes up a lot of one's time, as plans must be prepared, equipment ordered, troops lined up, American Dinars printed, and the Dixie Chicks' concert schedules checked so that any invasion does not interfere with their shows.

Saddam also wanted me to let you know that he will soon be reducing the frequency of his posts, probably to several times a week as opposed to almost daily. If do come here, and there's nothing new, Saddam does subscribe to SatireSearch, and those links are automatically updated every day. You can find them at the very bottom of this page.

There's also Lugosi's site, which is updated on a (mostly) daily basis. I really don't know why Saddam reads him; this lugosi is obviously infidel vermin--or is it vermin infidel? Plus, I think his credibility leaves a LOT to be desired.

Many of you have inquired about my well being. Thank you for that. Your love and support means a lot to me, as no one in my own family seems to believe a word I say. Can't understand why they are like that.

Anyway, it is nice to be appreciated, even if it is by godless barbarian infidels who continue to impale themselves by the tens of thousands on the gates of Baghdad. At last count, there were 13,783,437 of you piled up out there. And you're getting a little rank in that hot desert sun, I might add.

I've been staying busy here at the Iraqi Ministry of Information's temporary quarters in a broom closet at a secret, undisclosed location. Unfortunately, I do have to share the space with a balding man named Dick something. He carries a portable defibrillator.

I have, of course, been checking out other job opportunities. Ideally, any new position I accept would make maximum use of my journalism background, eye for details, and world-renown reputation for fact checking.

In fact, the New York Times just called me back for a second job interview, so I'm optimistic about that.

Well, BTW.

Scientists report unearthing 160,000 year old skulls in Eurasia.

Great!! They'll probably try to pin their deaths on me, too!

I am SO out of the loop lately! Thanks to Victor, an alert follower, I have just learned that the desperate criminal occupiers of this great land known as Iraq--which is unfortunately plagued by too many damn locusts, scorpions, and Shiites--have begun printing Dinar notes with MY picture on them!!!!

They say it is because they need to get some kind--ANY kind--of currency back into circulation, but you and I both know that's camelsh*t! The REAL reason is that they are preparing to surrender to my superior forces and are laying the groundwork for my return to power. Little do they know that this time, I don't plan to settle for just Iraq. Or that dinky Kuwait, either.

Does anyone have Alan Greenspan's email address? I want to send him my idea for the new American Dinar which will feature a portrait of George Washington bowing before me. Hopefully we can have those ready to go in time for the upcoming holiday shopping season.....

No, NOT Christmas, you idiot infidel. I meant Ramadan!!!

Far be it for me to tell the Americans how to do their jobs, but IF I were them, I'd be a lot more worried about all the rocket propelled grenades flying by than any alleged WMD's that may or may not exist.

What? You didn't actually think I would tell YOU anything, did you?

Whatever differences I may have with the American President, I must give him credit on one point: He is an eternal optimist.







The infidel invading hordes' search teams can keep looking all they want. They're not going to find anything. My OFFICIAL position is, as I have long maintained, that we long ago destroyed all our mean old weapons of mass destruction in compliance with United Nations resolutions. But between you and me, they're actually

Many of you no doubt remember Salaam Pax, the Baghdad blogger. I have personally met him several times. Very nice guy. He had to stop blogging for a while during the war after I stole--I mean "permanently borrowed"-- his laptop (I love this keyboard!), but then he started up again a few weeks later. Guess he bought a new computer at CompIRAQ.

Anyway, there was a lot of speculation about whether he was real or the figment of some overzealous New York Times reporter's imagination. And even though I referred to him several times, people continued to doubt that he existed. I really don't understand why. I mean, it's not like I would ever tell a lie, right? I said RIGHT!?!?

That's better.

Here is independent confirmation of Salaam's existence from a reporter at Slate.com. It's actually quite interesting.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go trim my nose hair.

A special thanks to Rogue Element, who writes, I read your diary on a daily basis, and note that you mention the Mobile Weapons Labs. They were in fact Ice Cream Vans. The Ice Cream Vans were abandoned by Iraqi fighters, in case the US troops caught them eating the ice cream without paying for it. They are strictly NOT mobile weapons labs.

Thank you for your unflinching loyalty in the face of overwhelming odds, Rogue. I like your thinking. It shows originality, audacity, and the all-important "Who? Me? WMD's? Nope. Not I" attitude. So the question now becomes: Will the Americans fall for it? Michael Moore certainly would. Hell, he'd fall for ANYTHING containing the words "ice cream!!!" Throw in a slice of cheesecake and a couple of donuts, and Michael will swear that General Motors is the finest company on the face of Allah's green Earth!

But I'm not so sure about the CIA. Their standards for proof are a little higher. Then again, they did think my people would actually welcome an invasion by an army of heavily armed English speaking infidels, so maybe I'll need more cheescake after all.

At any rate, I have forwarded your comments and email address to the White House, so the officials from the Department of Homeland Insecurity should be coming by any day now to talk to you.

Have fun in Guantanomo Bay. Oh, and be watch out when Abdul drops the soap!

I see that a couple of innovative companies have decided to honor my supporters by putting their pictures on decks of cards. The first, NewsMax.com, has a picture of Dixie Chick Natalie Maines on the six of hearts. Unfortunately she is fully clothed BUT she does look quite sexy in that Republican Guard beret. The cards from NewsMax also feature inspirational quotes which have served to give me hope in these dark days.

ThanxForNothing.com is offering a similar deck, but without the quotes and berets.

I highly recommend this film. It's hilarious.

The American trespassers are running around, changing the names of various places named after me. By now everyone knows Saddam International Airport became Baghdad International Airport (what kind of name is that for an airport?). Basra's Saddam Hospital is now something called Public Hospital. Saddam City is Revolution City. Is it my fault that my people love me so much that choose to repeatedly honor me by naming hospitals, shopping malls, schools, and highway interchanges after me? Is it my fault that they have no choice BUT to love me or else face ten years in prison?

No, of course not!

Don't the infidels realize that they are only creating more work for me for when I return to power? The longer it takes me to restore the proper names of all the landmarks that have been defiled, the more tired I will become. And when I get tired, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I invade surrounding countries. So the Americans, if they know what's good for them--and Kuwait--better lighten up on the renaming business.

Speaking of business, I'm getting tired of listening to people do theirs. I need to get out of this bathroom.

Which brings me to my next point: What is it about men and public bathrooms? Is their aim that bad at home as well? Seriously, people: The object is to get the stream INto the porcelain fixtures. That's why they're called URINALS, for Allah's sake!!

I'm tempted to let loose with my Sarin gas--Uh, I mean, uh, I WOULD be tempted to let loose with my Sarin gas IF I actually had any, which of course I don't, because I would never do anything sneaky like hide my forbidden weapons in baseball bats--the next time someone uses the facilities without flushing. The only problem is that the existing stench of human waste would probably overpower the Sarin.

Maybe I can bottle the air in this room and ship it to the Shiites.

Uh-oh..... Baseball great Sammy Sosa was ejected from a game last night for putting cork in his bat. I just hope the American inspectors looking for my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction don't start chiecking the bats at Saddam Stadium. No telling WHAT they might find!

But it certainly wouldn't be corks.....

If there is one person in this world I feel truly sorry for (besides myself, I mean), it is that American wench Martha Stewart. Have you heard the latest on her? As you probably know, her name came up in some insider trading scandal--whatever that means--last year. That stock was for a company call ImClone, which has had supposedly come out with some great anti-cancer drug. Then it turned out the drug wasn't that great, and their price went in the toilet. The company's President, who had no doubt been dipping his brush in Martha's paint can, tipped her off just before the stock plunged.

Got that?

Well, NOW comes word that ImClone's drug DOES work against some types of cancer! But do you hear the Securities & Exchange Commission apologizing to Miss Stewart? No, of course not! But this really shouldn't surprise anyone, because the Americans NEVER apologize!! Have you heard Bush go on national TV and say, "Good evening my fellow Americans. We were wrong. May God bless Saddam Hussein. Good night." Nope. Hasn't happened. Probably won't either (and don't EVEN get me started about poor O.J.).

So I know just how hard it must be for Martha to have had her good name wrongly dragged through the mud, only to have no one care once it is cleared.

Now I know what some of you are thinking: Here's comes the part where that flirt Saddam starts hitting on Martha Stewart. Well, you would be wrong, Infidel-Breath!!! While I admire her as a take-charge type person, I do have my standards. And at 61 years old, well, she's a little past her prime. Besides, I'm soon going to have my hands full with the Dixie Chicks.

Dixie Chicks or Marth Stewart....? Dixie Chicks or Martha Stewart....? Do you really have to think about which to woo? I hope not.

This is in no way meant to disparage Miss Stewart. She is a very talented woman, and I can still make use of her talents. Allah knows my palaces are in SERIOUS need of work!!!

My knowledge of English vocabulary may be somewhat limited, but I'd say "desperate" is putting it mildly.....

Oh great..... Now that fruitcake of a psychopath Kim il Chung is giving me advice...? Then again, he does seem to be in firmer control of his country at the moment than I am of mine.

A temporary situation, of course.

Now Bush is claiming that yes, the United States HAS found my alleged weapons of mass destruction. His proof? Those two trailers that were supposedly used as mobile laboratories.

Firstly, I can explain those. Really. I swear. They're.... Um..... Let me get back to you on that.

Secondly, even IF they were mobile labs, was it worth invading an entire frikkin' country for TWO lousy trailers!?!? Wouldn't it have been simpler to just hire a couple of Tony Soprano's goons to hijack the damn things? But N-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O!!!!!!!!! Let's get 200,000 troops, 1500 tanks, half a dozen aircraft carriers, 3000 planes, dozens of Tomahawk cruise missiles, and piss off the French in the process, just so we can seize TWO TRAILERS!!!!

And the worst thing about this little miscalculation....? I get stuck for a month sitting on a urine soaked toilet seat in a stinkin' bus station!

This is an absolute outrage!!! A British soldier has been arrested for torturing Iraqis!!! How dare he?!?! I want to see this man hauled before the World Court, tried for war crimes, and then executed for the morally repugnant acts he has perpetrated on my people!!!!!

After all, torturing Iraqis is MY job!!

Newttheboot, presumably no relation to gingrichthegrinch, writes: Dear Saddam, Fox News reports that your dead son Uday is attempting to negotiate his surrender to the US forces. More distrurbing, however, is their statement about you where they say: "the deposed leader is in questionable mental health." Of course, we are all very concerned. Would you care to comment? Best regards, Newton (Not a Shiite).

Yes, Newt, I am aware of those erroneous reports. They actually originated with the the New York Times, which explains why they are completely false. I would like to assure all my many supporters and fellow members of the Michael Moore Fan Club that Uday is still mostly dead, and that there are no problems with my mental health. I'm every bit as insane as I ever was, and still prone to violent outbursts of anger during which I kill everyone around me. Perhaps you are confusing me with another evil murderous despot, Idi Amin. Now he IS crazy SOB. It's that Syphillis of his, which has been eating away at his brain for decades now.

Now let ME ask YOU a question, Mr.Newttheboot: What in Allah's name are you doing watching Fox News?!? Are YOU crazy. or are you going to blame your unforgivable actions on Mad Cow Disease caught from eating Canadian beef?!? Unless you IMMEDIATELY correct this aberrant behavior, I shall have to come over to your house and dump a bucketful of scorpions down the front of your shorts. Those people on Fox are all warmongers!! Especially those psychopaths Geraldo and Bill O'Reilly. I don't know what their problem is. Maybe they have Syphillis.

I will admit, however, that I do sometimes sneak a peak at Fox when that Greta Van Susteren is on. Now she's one HOT babe! Maybe I should get the number of her plastic surgeon.... Anyway, she's hotter than a flaming pile of Shiites in the desert under the noonday sun! But I bet Greta smells better.

So please, PLEASE.... Only Al-Jazeera from now on. Okay?

The Americans keep harping on the fact that they have brought liberty to Iraq. HA!!! Here's a perfect example of how the Shiites plan to handle liberty if someone doesn't hurry up and do something about them NOW, before it's too late:







That Liberty chick's a rather hot lookin' babe, if I might say so myself....

HA! HA! HA! I'm laughing so hard at this story I'm going to pee my pants! HA! HA! HA!

Donald Rumsfeld, the American Secretary of Invading Hordes, seems to think I destroyed my many millions of (alleged) weapons of mass destruction!

DUH!!!

I can see how this military genius has earned his reputation! Can't pull anything over on him!!

Of course, this is by no means an admission that I had such weapons in the first place, which maybe I did or maybe I didn't. I'm not saying one way or another. I'm just putting forth a wacky hypothesis that IF I had HAD WMDs, then I destroyed them the afternoon of March 16th. Er, of course I mean I WOULD HAVE destroyed them the afternoon of March 16th.... IF I had them.... Which I didn't..... Maybe.

I will admit, however, that I find it WILDLY ironic that the US army has been unearthing the exact same items at its Fort Dietrick in Maryland, including Anthrax, vials of bacteria, and assorted nerve agents. Apparently the army "forgot" they had buried those items there back in the early '70's. They blame the oversight on "sloppy paperwork."

Excuse me?!?! I tried using that "sloppy paperwork" thing as an excuse, and it got me invaded! Talk about a double standard!! Where's Hans Blix when I really need him?!? And sanctions! I want sanctions imposed!

If you think about it, it would be highly amusing to see international sanctions imposed on the US. Someone would have to keep an eye on the French, though. They may be lovable, but you can't trust 'em worth a damn. They'll kiss you on both cheeks, hug you, feel your butt, & then turn right around, have sex with your wife, and sell banned weapons to your enemies.

But what most disturbs me about this story is that the army is now destroying the items they're digging up. What a waste!!!! They're going to need that stuff to bring the damn Shiites back under control.

Well, at least the Americans' search for Weapons of Any Kind of Destruction has not been totally fruitless.... And I do look rather dapper in that photo, if I might say so myself.

I told you that the supposed surrender talks between Uday and the United Satan army were nothing more than a vicious rumor, no doubt fabricated by the evil zionist controlled New York Times. That's why I trust only the Weekly World News to keep me informed. Now that's a newspaper!!!!!!!

Apparently there is a rumor floating around that my son Uday is thinking of surrendering. HA!! This just goes to prove that you can't believe everything you read on the internet!

Uday has been dead for the last two months, and most parts of his body fell off piece by piece when I fled Baghdad.... Um, I mean, uh, when I, er, voluntarily decided to regroup elsewhere. Yeah, that's it! I'm "regrouping."

Anyway, about all I have left of Uday now is one of his eyeballs.

I keep it in my pocket.

Have I shown you my favorite bumpersticker?







All I need now is a bumper to put it on.

And if you're thinking of saying what I THINK you're thinking of saying.... DON'T!!!!

Well, well, well. Still no weapons of mass destruction, eh? Now the Central Infidel Agency has launched an investigation into whether they may have been given faulty intelligence about my having WMD's. Well, DUH!!! Who was their information source? Jaysen Blair?

I have maintained all along that I'm every bit as innocent of these heinous charges as O.J. was of his! Plus, all my gloves are accounted for!!!

I have maintained all along that I'm in compliance with all UN resolutions. But is anyone listening? No, of course not! They keep getting hung up on the fact that I've killed hundreds of thousands of my own citizens. Well, okay, yeah, sure I have! But what despot worth his weight in plundered riches hasn't? Does that make me a bad man? No, of course not! Besides, gassing 'em is the only way to make the dang Shiites shut up!!

The American trespassers are slowly learning that little lesson.

The Americans are very, very, VERY fortunate Ruben won. Otherwise I might have gotten upset.

Bruce S. writes about a site offering dolls--um, "action figures"--of my former Minister of Information: Looks like Mo and some of your companions signed a sweet marketing deal. Although they make a talking version of Al Sahaf and not you.

An excellent observation, Bruce, and one that highlights your intellectual inferioririoty.... Inferiorness.... Inferier.... Your dumbness.

There ar a number of reasons my doll--er, "action figure"--doesn't speak. First, it is being marketed with infidel American consumers who will soon be burning in hell in mind.... Except for Michael Moore and the Dixie Chicks, of course, who will eventually be rewarded with virgins. Not sure how the virgin thing will work with the Dixie Chicks, though. It could just 72 virgins that three of them will have to share among themselves, OR it might actually be 3 X 72 virgins, which equals, um, a lot. At any rate, you can bet I'll be hiding a webcam in THAT bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael Moore, though, can have all the privacy he wants. I have NO desire to see his fat naked butt parading across my moniter.

Where was I? Oh, right, dolls--I mean "action figures...." Anyway, the reason my doll--um, "action figure"--doesn't talk is that I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, you ninny!! I mean, I'm sure you spend hours each day watching the same inspiring news footage of me over and over and over, right? I said, RIGHT?!?! And every time you see me gesturing wildly, flapping my arms like an epileptic chicken, aren't I always ranting in Arabic? Has it occured to you that perhaps there is a good that you've never heard me rant in English? Has it also occurred to you that perhaps there is a good reason you always hear TRANSLATORS talking on my behalf?

So if you want to hear my doll--um, "action figure"--talk, you'll have to buy the optional translator doll--um, "action figure"--for an additional $39.95, plus shipping & handling.

I guess you've heard by now that White House Spokesinfidel Ari Fleisher is stepping down. He's says it's to spend more time with his wife (which I wouldn't mind myself) and to pursue "job opportunities in the private sector."

Between you and me, that's a crock of camel crap. The REAL reason he's stepping down is that he's heard I'm coming, and he he doesn't want to end up as the Jack of Clubs in MY deck of most wanted cards!!!

I hear my former Minister of Information has already emailed his resume to the White House.

A gmurray writes: Dear Saddam, I hate to tell you this (for the obvious reasons), but you have gotten a lot more boring since we blew you into little tiny pieces. Somehow, your words of wit and wisdom just don't seem very relevant anymore. Sorry.

This is a perfect example of how otherwise well-intended actions can lead to unintended consequences. A few years, the infidel suicide Doctor Kevorkian (Oh, how I'd love to get hold of his recipe book) was jailed by the state of Michigan. Consequently, people like gmurray are left with no where to turn when they get tired of living. So what do they do? They insult ME, thinking I will put them out their miserable little puny lives.

You would love that, wouldn't you Mr./Miss/Mrs./Ms gmurray, wouldn't you? Well, no such luck for you. Instead I wll stick you in the same jail cell with Geraldo, Bill O'Reilly, and all the other obnoxious loudmouths from Fox News Channel who dared speak ill of me. There you will slowly suffocate as the air in the room is slowly displaced by their enormous egos.

Oh, and as to me being in "tiny little pieces," I draw your attention to this article which says I am already plotting my return to power.

In closing, let me assure you there is NOTHING tiny about me. The Dixie Chicks can attest to that.

For those of you interested in TRUTHFUL updates on my valiant struggle against the invading infidel hordes, I urge you to visit my Ministry of Information's website.

Apparently the United States of Satan army teams searching for my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction are becoming frustrated. In one instance, after breaking into a building while checking out a promising lead, they found a cache of..... Vaccuum cleaners!!! Well, I bet that really "SUCKS!!!!" HA, HA, HA!!!!!

Get it? Vacuum cleaners..... Sucks.....

When this little "misunderstanding" between our nations is cleared up and I go on to win the Democratic presidential nomination, eventually defeating the current incumbent, I will take my act on tour. I'll play comedy clubs in all the major cities under my rule, such as Baghdad, Tikrit, Mosul, Basra, Chicago, and Los Angeles. You, my most loyal suckers--um, loyal "followers," I mean--are cordially invited to attend. I guarrantee you'll "die" launghing...... Literally!!

Have a nice day.

Once again I'm getting blamed for something I had NOTHING to do with! Now it's land mines blowing up little kids. You think I'm happy about this? No, of course not! Those damn mines cost money, even if the French government did sell them to us at a substatntial discount shortly before the war....

Wait.... Was that supposed to be a secret? Do me a favor and don't say anything to anybody about that till I have a chance to check with Jacques Chirac. He's supposed to coming by with fresh hookers later.

Wait....

The United Soon to Be States of Saddam Federal Trade Commision has announced a crackdown on internet fraud. This includes tracking down those respnsible for sending out deceptive spam, auction site fraud, and any number of other online scam operations. Apparently this is a problem which has really gotten out of control, much like the Shiite population here in Iraq.

This really does sicken me. The next thing you know, people will be going online, setting up fake websites, and pretending to be someone they're not!! I mean, what kind of sick, depraved, worthless, lying piece of crap vile vermin would do something like THAT?!?!

Here is some most excellent news for those of you who may be deeply concerned about my health and well-being: According to my doctors, I can be expected to live for many MANY more years!!! They also say I am HIGHLY intelligent!! Unfortunately, I don't have the names of these highly perceptive doctors, so don't yet know which families to release.

I'm sure this word comes as a relief to the Pentagon officials who continue to hunt me. I know Iraq like the back of my hand, and I don't need no sissified GPS system to find my way around.

I hear that US military officials have authorized their soldiers to begin shooting looters. That's very clever, shooting the people you are trying to save. Kind of like throwing a drowning man a cinderblock.

Which, incidentally, is what I used to do when I worked summers as a lifeguard.

A Heidi F. asks: Just wondering how you feel about this new song. And, should you begin creating music of your own, how do you feel about the world of file-sharing?

Well, Heidi, I continue to be amazed by my multi-talented former Minister of Information. I am glad he is keeping himself busy with various projects, provided he understands that he will have to come back to work for me once I resume power in Iraq, put those uppity loudmouth Shiites back in their place, and launch my invasion of America.

As far as the file sharing is concerned, it is the same as stealing. Those who do it are no better than common thieves, much like the looters that continue to roam the streets of Baghdad. I would never, ever engage in such a practice, just as I would never build never build weapons of mass destruction or gas entire villages of Kurds.

In an unrelated matter, has anyone seen my MP3 player?

Now everyone's in an uproar over the 3000 bodies found in a mass grave outside Mahweel. Well, DUH!!!! Has it occurred to anyone that maybe if they would just stop digging holes all over the damn place, then just maybe they would stop finding bodies?

Besides, isn't it a crime to disturb a grave? Especially 3000 of them!?! Someone needs to report this to the UN.

Oh, and before I forget, congratulations are in order to my former Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. As I'm sure you know, the cowardly weasel has been quite busy since he dropped out of sight. The latest word is that he and former New York Times reporter Jaysen Blair are going to start their own newspaper.

A resourceful sort of infidel calling himself akipnis has uncovered a music video I did back in my younger days. It played briefly on MTV. Hope you enjoy it.

Oh, puh-LEEZE!!!!! Now the Americans are saying that they have successfully abolished my Baath party! Yeah, right.... Didn't Bush say that about the Democrats last fall? And I think we can all see how that little prediction turned out.....

Tax cuts, anyone?

Now the unholy ones have captured Rihab "Dr. Germ" Taha. She would have been in charge of my principle bioweapons research lab, had I actually had one, which I don't and never did. Not I. Nope. Don't know what you're talking about. No idea. None whatsoever. Really.

They say mail delivery has finally resumed throughout most of Iraq. Guess I better get down to the post office and fill out one of those forms with my new forwarding address.

In my ongoing and oh-so-difficult quest to pretend I care what you, my loyal followers, think, I have come out with a new poll.

But first, here are the results to the previous poll, "What did I do with my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction?"



1) The hands down winner with 55% of the total (496 votes) was the answer, "They're on temporary loan to Syria."



2) 16% of you (144 votes) thought I hid them in my shorts. Well, you're close. That's where I keep my "Weapon of Mass Pleasure." And if the Dixie Chicks play their cards right, I'll let them take turns "launching" it.



3) Another 16% (143 votes) of you thought I "destroyed them in compliance with United Nations resolutions." Coincidentally, that was the same 16% of you that still believe in Santa Claus.



The rest of the questions ended up with single digit percentages. A total of 907 votes were cast.

So what does this poll mean? Well.... Not a damn thing. What do you think this is? A democracy? Grow up!!

I will eventually bring this poll back and rotate it with the new one.

Oh, and for the 16% of you that still believe in Santa: It IS true that there USED to be a Santa, but that is no longer the case.

I shot him last Christmas.

Oh, my.... Excuse me, but I've been laughing so hard that I hyperventilated. But don't worry; I'll be fine.

I was just reading about this nutcase Ayatollah Mohammad Baqir al-Hakim who has now returned to Iraq after 23 years in exile. There's a reason I threw him out of Iraq: HE'S A WACK JOB!!!!!!! The guy's nuttier than a squirrel!! He wants nothing less than to turn Iraq into another Iran, which means the Americans better start changing the locks on their embassy in Baghdad NOW!!

Obviously I going to have my hands full when I finally return to power. I just hope I have enough gas left in my non-existent stockpiles to bring the Shiites back under control. I mean, really... What were the Americans thinking? The Shiites aren't capable of handling democracy. That requires thinking for oneself, which they are not capable of. Shiites need someone in authority to set parameters for them and to show them the boundaries to their outrageous bahavior. They also need to be periodically disciplined with a firm hand. Otherwise they will run roughshod all over you.

Kind of like teenagers.

Have I mentioned that I'm a big basketball fan? Oh, yes! In fact it's been a longtime goal of mine to land an NBA team for Baghdad! That's kind of hard to do, however, when you have work around unjust UN sanctions.

I figure the team could be called the Baghdad Camelbacks, or maybe the Iraqi Clouds of Sarin Gas Killing Our Opponents and Their Helpless Gasping Families. I personally like that last one. Kind of intimidating, ain't it?

Of course, I don't know a whole lot about running a major league sports franchise, so I'll have to go out and hire a topnotch management team that does.

I hear Michael Jordan's looking for work....

What is the big deal with this mountain climber who had to amputate his own arm in order to save his life? Everyone seems amazed by it. Big deal!! I do that kind of stuff all the time, and no one seems terribly impressed!

What? No, of course I don't mean my OWN arm, you ninny!!!!! That's stupid!!!! Why would I chop off my own perfectly good arm!?! I meant I'm always chopping off OTHER people's arms!! Legs, too. Occasionally other appendages, but we won't go into that just now.

But at least I always give the parts back to the owners when I'm done. Idi Amin, on the other hand, used to eat them.

Raw.

Now I'm sure many of you think I'm boring old fuddy-duddy who doesn't know how to have fun unless it involves spraying aerosolized Anthrax over large concentrations of Kurds. But the truth of the matter is that I'm quite an accomplished musician. And lately I've been perfecting my rapping technique. Oh, would you like a sample?

I should warn you that depending on your connection, it may take a few minutes to download (Thanks be to Allah and vainpeach for this link).

Word is that Salam Pax is blogging again. He had to stop after I commandeered his laptop six weeks ago.

Did you know I spent a year at Yale back in the '60's? Sure did. In fact, George and I were roomies for a semester.







I look back on those days and can't help but wonder where our paths diverged....

An inquisitive infidel known only as y2niko asks: First off, belated happy birthday (how many camels did u have to "do" for your birthday?). Ok, to my main question,I've been hearing rumors about this, but is it true that the beloved iraqi information minister(M.S.S.) is trying to negotiate his surrender to americans for quite a while now? it's just too bad that M.S.S. hasn't seen any american soldiers in Baghdad so he can't surrender to anyone. Don't you feel jealous of all the attention/publicity M.S.S. is getting that should be aimed to you? Come on, he's a well known celebrity now, and you're still a tyrant... not fair, eh?

HA!! Au contraire, as my beloved French friends would say. I am beyond such petty emotions as jealousy. Jealousy implies insecurity, and I have no reason to be insecure. Well, okay, I have been holed up in this stinkin' bathroom stall for some ten days now, but that's a totally, completely, and absolutely temporary situation until I return to power, conquer the world, and marry the Dixie Chicks.

y2niko also implies--rather insolently, I might add--that being a celebrity is somehow better than being a tyrant. Nothing (with the possible exception of my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction, I mean) could be further from the truth!!!! Being a celebrity is meaningless! You have no actual power. Can Brad Pitt invade a neighboring country? NO! Can Britney Spears launch missiles at Israel? NO!! Can Leonardo DeCaprio gas the damn Kurds when he gets bored? NO!! So what good it is being a mere celebrity?

But being a tyrant, on the other hand, carries all the benefits of celebrityhood--fame, fortune, fine hotel rooms, free sex, appearances on magazine covers, getting away with murder, etc) PLUS you have real, honest to goodness, actual POWER!!! You can do so much more when you're a well respected and widely feared tyrant! Provided, of course, you don't screw up by misjudging the resolve of your enemies.

Look at Khruschev.... 40 years ago he makes an appearance at the UN and bangs his shoe on the table. You think Jennifer Lopez could get away with that kind of behavior? Well, yeah, I suppose with that ass she could get away with anything....

But that's not my point. What I'm getting at is that being a tyrant guarrantees one fame AND power. Being a celebrity merely brings empty, meaningless fame.

So I wish my former Minister of Misinformation well. I know he's keeping busy with his two blogs, which you can find to your left. And if he wishes to surrender to the Americans, that's fine by me. He's always been something of a wimp. In fact, back in high school, I used to steal his lunch money. Besides, his imprisonment would only be temporary till I once again march triumphantly through the streets of Baghdad.

Besides, being the center of attention is NOT all that it's cracked up to be. Believe me; I should know.

A loyal reader has alerted me to what is allegedly an interview with me. It is mildly amusing. Rest assured that when I invade the soon to be United States of Saddam, I will track down its author and have a word or two with him. We'll discuss the weather, and then talk about how he gets his ideas. I'll compliment him on his wit and sense of humor.

Then I'll shoot him for being a smartass.

Some people are raising eyebrows over the one billion dollars I withdrew from the bank the day before the Americans began tresspassing on my property. Was it really that much?!?! I had meant to only take out $100, but I must have written a couple of extra zeros on the withdrawl slip. Good thing I just happened to have three tractor trailers with me. A hundred here, a billion there. Who's counting?

I'll have my accountants at Arthur Andersen look into it.

The invaders are picking up chicks now? They must be getting desperate.

What's the big deal about all the mass graves? I thought the US was supposed to be looking for my weapons of mass destruction, but instead they're getting all hung up on the various atrocities I've committed over the years. Gimme a break!!!! I was--and will be again--a despotic dictator!! Controlling your populace through mass murder goes with the territory, okay? It's part of the job description! Get over it, for crying out loud!! Stalin did it, Hitler did it, Pol Pot did it, and Mussolini did it! So don't single me out. I was merely carrying on a proud tradition!

Besides, it's the only way to get the damn Shiites to shut the hell up!! Just wait. You'll see.

Sorry for the interruption, but someone came in to use the bathroom. Can't be tapping away on a keyboard when no one's supposed to know where I am!

But get this: The guy was in here for about 10, 15 minutes doing his "business," then before leaving, he washed his hands!!!!!! How disgusting is that!!!!! Makes me want to puke, but that might give away my location.

Anyway, as I started to say, one of my first orders of business will be to abolish horse racing and replace it with something far more civilized, like camel racing. Now that's a sport!!! One of my favorite ways to relax on my days off from gassing Kurds and Shiites was to head down to the track. Took me a while to get the hang of it, but eventually all my camels were winning. And it only took about 17 management changes at the track to get to that level!

Of course, I'll keep the Kentucky Derby around. It's an annual tradition. But NO HORSES, okay? It will showcase only the finest three year old camels in the empire--MY empire--and they will be ridden by UN inspectors. And instead of calling it the "Run for the Roses," we'll change the name to the "Run for the Weapons of Mass Destruction."

Today is the 129th running of something called the "Kentucky Derby." If I understand it correctly, this Derby thing is a horse race. How barbaric!!!!!! Oh, the hypocrisy!! Americans claim to be civilized, but then they go out and watch a horse race?!?!

I honestly do not understand the appeal. One should not force horses to run; The practice is inhumane to the extreme, and a horrible way to treat such a wonderful, gentle, animal. One needs to pamper our equine friends, treat them well, feed them only the finest hay, provide them with shelter, knock them in the head with an iron mallet, skin them, properly roast the meat over an open pit barbecue, and eat them. Making them run only serves to make the meat tough.

And what's this about Jockeys riding them? How bizarre is that? Jockeys are designed to be worn by people, for Allah's sake, not animals. Personally, though, I wear Haines underwear, when I bother to wear any at all. What's their slogan? "Gentlemen prefer Haines."

But ba

People sometimes ask, "Saddam, don't you ever get tired of living in a bathroom stall, squatting on the toilet to keep your feet off the floor so no one realizes you're in there?"

Well, no, not when you consider the alternatives. I mean, yeah, it gets montonous at times, but then you start listening to the various noises that people's bodies are capable of making, and it's really quite fascinating. Besides, I'm not leaving here till they bring that SARS thing under control. I mean, that's some scary sh*t. Now they think it can be spread by feces!

Between the constant threat of JDAMs, Tomahawks, Predator drones, and viruses, this job just isn't what it used to be.

I mean he really REALLY gets around!!!!

I must admit that my former Minister of Information certainly gets around!!







---------------------------------------Thanks be to Allah (and Franz Dierick) for the pic.

When I finally do take over the United States and move into the White House, one of my first orders of business will be to auction off that old presidential limo on eBay and replace it with something better suited to me, like an SUV. Now I know that many people hate those things, and for a while some people opposed to SUV's were asking "What would Jesus drive?" Their argument is that the son of their god would NOT drive an SUV because they are harmful to the environment.



So what!?!? I mean, if his dad really is God, he can just make a brand new environment if the old one gets screwed up, right? Am I the only one thinking logically here, or what?



Besides, the REAL question for me is: "What would Allah drive?" And the answer is obvious: A Porsche Cayenne. That's right, the world's top manufacturer of four wheeled chick magnets has come out with an SUV!! And they are beautiful!!



But they are also in high demand, and I expect that dealerships are pricing them accordingly. And I think all you know how much I hate negotiating. Doesn't matter if it's about forbidden weapons or new car financing, I just hate negotiating.

It's a vile ritual, but one I'm willing to do in the case of the Cayenne. But so help me: If the salesman tells me he needs to go check with "My sales manager," and he comes back with some guy in a loud checkered sports jacket, and they start beating up on me to buy the rustproofing for an extra $1500, I'll shoot the both of them right there in the middle of the showroom. Rustproofing, my ass. You don't try to scam a scammer. At least not when he's a heavily armed homicidal maniac.



I just hope they come in my favorite color, Desert Sand.